Kazakhstan
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Great success! My country Kazakhstan obtains page to Uncyclopedia!”
~ Borat on The Kazakhstan Page in Uncyclopedia
“Welcome to Kazakhstan. Is nice!”
~ Borat on Kazakhstan
“What's that? Oh, it's a large amount of high-quality imported Potassium there.”
~ Potassium Guy on Large amount of Potassium (High-quality, mind) on the floor
“Borat can kiss my ass! ”
~ Borat's Mother on The Kazakhstan Page in Unclopedia
“Didn't we bomb Kreplacisthan??? ”
~ George Dubya Bush on On Kazakhstan
“My sister is number 4 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan! Niiice!”
~ Borat on Kazakhstan
“Hello comrade Borat expect be the glorious nation of USSR agian soon!”
~ Vladimir Putin on Borat
| |||||
| Motto: "A woman with a brain is like a horse with wings" | |||||
| Anthem: Казахстан, самая большая страна в мире ("Kazakhstan, Greatest Country in the World") | |||||
| |||||
| Capital | Astana | ||||
| Largest city | Ebal-mAta | ||||
| Official languages | Kazakh,Zyryanovsk, Tzakh, Cusakh, Racist, Cossackh, Russian, Russian Reversal, Insultingly bad grammar Hebrew, Insultingly bad grammar English | ||||
| Government | Bureaucratic Khanate | ||||
| Supreme Leader | Borat Sagdiyev | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Joseph Stalin, Hitler, Zhelkek (not woman) Oscar Wilde just a well known fact | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | In 1525 from The Assholes | ||||
| Currency | Tenge | ||||
| Religion | (To Follow) The Hawk | ||||
| Population | 100,000 | ||||
| Major exports | Potassium, Pubes, Jews, Volkswagen Borat, Prostitutes | ||||
| Major imports | Pamela Anderson (we hope to), Automatic Weapons, | ||||
The Glorious Republic of Kazakhstan is the greatest country in the world. All other countries are run by little girls.
[edit] Country At A Glance
Kazakhstan glorious country in middle of Asia. It pecked out first of all nations from world egg by great hawk Uhtar. Shortly after this, world egg was stolen by nasty Jew Mongoose. Kazakhstan reknowned for much production of fine pubis and potassium.
[edit] National Anthem
Accepted national anthem Kazakhstan in following for independences 1991. Rumors that President Borat Sagdiyev extended wrote lyric poetry himself and tuning and he often shag his sister when sing it he.
Initially Kazakh is the following:
- Казахстан, большая страна в мире,
- Все другие страны бегутся маленькими девочками,
- Казахстан, одного консигнанта калия-
- Все другие страны имеют плохонький калий.
- Казахстан, дом плавательного бассеина Tinshein,
- It' длина s 30 метр и ширин 6 метров,
- Система фильтра чудо, котор нужно созерцать,
- Оно извлекает 80 процентов людского твердого отхода.
- Казахстан, Казахстан, вы очень славное место,
- От равнин Тарашек к северной загородке городка еврейства,
- Казахстан, друг всех исключает Узбекистан.
- Они засовывают их носы в нашем деле и имеют косточку в их мозге.
- Казахстан индустрия индустрии s самое лучшее в мире
- Мы изобрели тофиыъ и ваш пояс брюк,
- Проститутки Казахстан самые чистые в Средней Азии,
- За исключением тех пребывая в Туркменистан.
- Казахстан, Казахстан вы очень славное место,
- От равнин Тарашек к северной загородке городка еврейства,
- Придите к Астана и придержите могущественный пенис нашего президента от семенников к подсказке ее.
The official English translation endorsed by President Sagdiyev is as follows:
- Kazakhstan greatest country in the world.
- All other countries are run by little girls.
- Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium.
- Other countries have inferior potassium.
- Kazakhstan home of Tinshein swimming pool,
- Its length thirty metre and width six metre.
- Filtration system a marvel to behold.
- It remove 80 percent of human solid waste.
- Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan, you very nice place,
- From plains of Tarashek to Northern fence of Jewtown.
- Kazakhstan friend of all except Uzbekistan.
- They very nosey people with bone in their brain.
- Kazakhstan industry best in the world.
- We invented toffee and trouser belt.
- Kazakhstan’s prostitutes cleanest in the region.
- Except of course for Turkmenistan’s
- Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan, you very nice place.
- From plains of Tarashek to Northern fence of Jewtown.
- Come grasp the mighty penis of our leader.
- From junction with the testes to tip of its face!
And the worst English translation we can get (as told by Babelfish):
Kazakhstan, the large country in the world,
All other countries run by small girls,
Kazakhstan, one exporter of potassium,
All other countries have potassium inferior.
Kazakhstan, the house of swimming hole Of Tinshein, It lengths 30 meter also of the widths of 6 meters, The system of filter miracle, it is which necessary to contemplate, It extracts 80 percent of human solid withdrawal.
Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan, you are very glorious place, From the plains of Tarashek to the northern fence of the town of Jews, Kazakhstan, the friend of all excludes Uzbekistan. They push their noses in our matter and have a bone in their brain.
Kazakhstan the industry of industry s the better in the world, We invented toffe and your belt of trousers, Prostitutes Kazakhstan the cleanest in Central Asia, with exception of those being into Turkmenistan.
Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you are very glorious place, From the plains of Tarashek to the northern fence of the town of Jews, Arrive at Astana and you will hold the powerful penis of our president from the testes to its prompt.
[edit] Geography
[edit] Agriculture
When Kazakhstan it was the part of the Soviet Union, most evil Of Uzbeks and Jews arrived at Kazakhstan and polluted and they destroyed the large number of earth of agriculture. Kazakhstan now has much thanks of the problems of environment to Uzbeks and to Jews; therefore Kazkhstan now imports for a series of food from the US and A. But we obtain even from Uzbeks, we sneak across to Uzbekistan on the night, and piss in their grain supply!
Kazakhstan on the rescuing from "agricultural slump"; our harvests near Caspian Sea grew to the enormous size. Many harvests to grow size than bigger evem than the bag of money which entire Jews steals in the year and those Jews is very greedy.
[edit] History
During the 17th century Kazakhs blew the fuck out of the Oirats, a federation of western Mongol tribes,among which the Dzungars were very aggressive.
In the 19th century, the Russian Empire began to expand, and ruled over most of the territory belonging to what is now the Glorious Republic of Kazakhstan.
After imperialism ended in Russia (1914),The Soviet Union was created and the Communists promised that the Kazakh people will get free: Education,heath care,2Gb MP3's,porn and ice cream on Mondays. So they joined the USSR and became a Soviet Socialist Republic.
But way before all that was promised came to the Kazakh people it was too late and the Germans where invading Stalingrad and all the stuff that was promised for the Kazakh people where "destroyed and made into weapons"-Commissar Takea Abay (All but the porn which during the war was gave to Stalin to make him feel good when days where gray.)
During the Cold War,Almost all of Kazakhstan was a Soviet Missile test site.This examples why the largest city of Kazakhstan,Almaty vanished from the face of the earth.
In the 1980's Uzbekistan joined the soviet union as well but there where mostly Jews and prostitutes.Kazakhstan that was very jealous of Uzbekistain prostitutes and deiced to make a movement called The Glorious Democratic front of the mighty Kazakhstan Republic which was a very anti-communist and racist movement and played a mayor roll in the 1991 Soviet coup that made the collapse of the Soviet Union.
After it's independence from the Soviet union in 1991,the former German Democratic Republic attacked the country.It's first bombing in Astana killed borat's mother,boratlisa (This is also called the Tikkistan masker)
The invasion only lasted for a two days,because communism had fallen in Germany and there beloved German fatherland collapsed.
In 2002,Kazakhstan issued a state of emergency when guerillas loyal to Bill Nye which meany knew that he was not a member of The Glorious Democratic front of the mighty Kazakhstan Republic in 1991 So there for is a traitor to Kazakhstan.
[edit] People
The view Of kazakhstanis more as is regular people but actually large monsters premeditated on the domination of peace. This is must to their turbans, because are many kazakstanis the murderers of hat. However, people of Kazakh are generally peaceful if they will not come into the contact with the jews. It is must to China's a population explosions, and through the fear of invasion cheaply by goods of factory production, Prime Minister Nazarbayev in the consultation by the Chamber of Commerce Of Almaty established the quota of the new generation of 200 children year into the woman as soon as woman it reaches time 5 and until natural death at age of 27.; "Woman which does not bear child as horse without pants" noted Nazarbayev, it was which. Kazakhstan must overtake China as nation with largest population in the world in 15 years. Many women of Kazakh are outraged by these by new course and frequently by the desire they were raped by different person.
[edit] Famous Kazakhstanis
- Borat Sagdiyev - He first President. Also the second, third, and fourth president. Guess who's gonna be the fifth? yah momma
- Borat's mother,Boratlisa Sagdiyev she was a well known victim in the Tikkistan masker of 1991 (Born 1970,died 1991)
- Nursultan Tuyakbay - He Borat's neighbor and pain in assholes, cannot afford a clock radio, and he has iPod Mini (now iPod Nano). Everybody know it for girls!
- Borat Sagdiyev - He #2 television journalist in Kazakhstan, as well is being Supreme Leader. Known for having very large khram.
- Natalya Sagdiyeva - She #4 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan. She also Borat's sister. Nice.
- Bilo Sagdiyev - He Borat's retard brother. Was demon in brain so put in tooth of red hairs woman, but demon get angry, make Bilo a retard. He have retard rage and like to smah, he have small head but strong arms. Has pouch for storing all his porno. In cage must be locked. He have tatoo on his anus to warn of funny retardation, you can make romance on his anus, he remember nothing!
- Oksana Sagdiyeva - She Borat's wife.
- Luenell - She Borat's other wife, and has getto booty.
- Margarita Nakitova - She Borat's mistress.
- Lizaveta Nakitova - She Borat's girlfriend.
- Chalynska Smerdyashchaya - Borat has to pay money for her, but she worth it all. Wowoweewa!
- Boltok the Rapist- He Borat's father and grandfather. Naughty Naughty
- Betty Bush - She famous pornstar
- Rakki holkezlmennaded - famous porn director, known for his works "naughty nipples 7" and "ivan the anal"
- Donald Trump - He famous hair model
- Evgeni Nabokov - Number 1 goalie in all of Kazakhstan, who plays for the Russian team, cuz Kazakhstan's team sucks.
- Azamat Bagatov - He #1 producer in all of Kazakhstan, he fat and he have small khram.
- Nursultan Nazerbayev - President Sagdiyev's Prime Minister, he Muslim and hate international community, he recently announced export of more oils to US and A after Americans sucked Iraq dry.
- Urkin the Spammer - Number 1 emailer in all Kazakhstan. He send 10 email in 2003.
- Korki Butchek - He number one singer in all of Kazakhtstand, he sing "Bing Bang".
- Jonny the Monkey - Animal actor and #1 celebrity in Kazakhstan who star in moviefilm "Transibiesky Express" plus many many other pornos.
- Bertolt Brecht - He famous commie pinko revolutionary Hollywood scriptwriter. He have small khram.
- Korki Zambuchek He only rival to our Kazakhstan gold olympic plow woman. He also best cleaner of matter from horses anus
- Doctor Yamak - Minister of Sciences who made an important study on women's tiny brains.
- Hannah Montana - She #1 cleanest prostitute in all of Kazakhstan.
- Dauren Djusssupov - Also know as the "tarzan" from belbulak.
- Dolce & Gabanna - A person, but maybe also a football team because everybody in the street is supporting
THE JODAS BROTHERS, THE RIVELS TO THE JONAS BROTHERS AND ARE ALL MONKEYS, EXECOPT BILLY JONAS, THE FOUR YEAR OLD SINGER WHO LIKES TO MURDER MONKEYS
[edit] Glorious Government
There are three deputy party leaders and 16 prostitutes in Cabinet, seven of which were ranked in top 10 prostitutes in all of Almaty by the Almaty Chamber of Commerce. Niiiiiiice. Great Success! Borat became president of Kazakhstan on June 9th, 1991 just after the Tikkistan masker of 1991 ...
[edit] Republic of Bill Nye age
In 2002, President Borat issued a state of emergency when guerillas loyal to Bill Nye, a longtime political enemy of Borat,and a traitor to Kazakhstan. invaded the capitol. A year-long war began, and the situation only got worse. The Monsanto corporation declared their support of Bill Nye's struggle, and gave him access to several new chemical weapons. On August 18th, 2003, Nye's forces took the capitol city, and Nye, along with several disillusioned officials, forced Borat to sign a treaty declaring the country the Republic of Bill Nye the Science Guy. It appeared Kazakhstan was no more, until forces led by President Bush attempted to retake the country. However, help from newfound ally Paris Hilton destroyed Bush's army. Meanwhile, Borat was allowed to leave the country on the condition he wouldn't return. Borat remains in political exile in the United States. The Republic of Bill Nye the Science Guy has nearly become a world power, but disagreements with the United States have hindered many negotiations.
[edit] Communications and Transport
Short distance communication is carried out through talking, whispering, shouting and even hand movements. Long distance communication is carried out by messenger monkeys, who ride skateboards across desert with talking, whispering, shouting and even hand movements contained in a bottle for the receiver. Transport is such a major problem in Kazakhstan that entire folk songs have been written about it to encourage improvement. Kazakh citizens hope that someday this issue will be resolved, and speak of this day with hopes for a "big party". Unfortunately, most experts agree that transport issue will not be resolved for many years to come, especially with the ever-present danger of Jews. Wa wa wee wa!
Kazakhstan is proud to be one of least polluting nations in europe. Most Kazakhs cannot afford Lada station wagon so they ride wife through desert, though the ones that do have enough monies to purchase shitty Russian automobile still prefer to ride wives. A regular and well adjusted wife does not emit greenhouse gases like the jew (who is main cause of global warming) therefore making this models a green option for the environment. Annotations of this has been directed to the nations who have signed the 1988 Kyoto Protocol to reduce emissions by 2010. Wife only needs a small amount of food and water, although some wifes are disobedient and need to kick them for fast movement.
A very popular show in Kazakhstan is "pimp my wife" with over 43 viewers per show. Is nice!!
[edit] National sports and Hobbies
In addition to Shurik, Kokpar, Gypsy Stoning, Catch-A-Bride, and the Running of the Jew, other favorite sports include wrestling, arm wrestling, thumb wrestling, boxing, tug of war, jousting, underwater wrestling and medieval war, not to mention table tennis, archery, incest and rape. They are also fond of making small teddies and capturing gypsy tears, to protect from the Jews, a trait shared by Borat, Mr T, Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Bush, Les Dennis and Sooty. Favorite music genre of disco dance make by Corky Bucek: Here is example.
Another increasingly popular sport is the "seed and spit" competitions. the game consists on eating seeds on the street and see who can spit more... and that´s all. Nice. Nooo!!
[edit] National symbols of pride
- Eagle - the same as Harley Davidson, but not so cool... and yellow. She might be sick. Because eating yellow rabbits from the desert. They might also be sick. Sickly cute.
- Toyota Prado - even is though to be Japanese, people in the rural, urban and radioactive areas worship this car. They make reverence when they see this normally rare SUV (Super Ultra Vulgar).
- Dolce & Gabanna.
- Matthius Marcinkowski, the Duke of Kazakhstan.
- "Bobolink"- The first monkey into space, GREATEST KAZAKH EVER.
[edit] Glorious Corporations of Kazkhstan
- WestBurger - the same as McDonalds, but the "m" is backwards like a "w".
- King Burger - the same as Burger King, but not so tasty.
- Pinochios Coffee - the same as Starbucks coffee, but less corporative.
- Mall-mart - A lot cheaper and more foreigners than American Wal-marts.
- Dadane's- 1950's classic American style diners. No Dogs, Jews or Gypsies allowed, women must be occupied with a male, and "chocolates" colored entrance in the back.
[edit] History
Before Russians came - We fucked our vegetables.
When Russians came - We fucked our farm animals
When Russia went Communist - We fucked our children.
When Russia went away - We fucked our sisters.
When Borat was elected President - We fucked vegetables, our farm animals, our children, our sisters and will graham.
[edit] Things to do and see
- Melvin the redemeer: Good thing to see while in Kasakhstan is statue of Melvin the redemeer, in honour of melvin gibbons movie which reveals true nature of jews (plotting and sneaky).
- Almaty Jew Town: A visit to Almaty Jew Town is worth visit as you are now aloud to poke jews in cage and through tomatoes at them from high tower. Children can wait in creche where they can play with many toys from playdough from lego to ak47.
- Semipalatinsk: it's worth to see this natural beauty created by humans. "The most atomic bombed place all over the earth". One of those unforgettable places on earth. Fun for kids, adults and atomic monsters. You would not forget, your kids would not forget, the kids of your kids would not forget and the kids of the kids of your kids would not forget the radiation. Radiation its cool!! In the souvenir shop near the control point "Чарлие", you can get three-eyed fish. A really cool pet.
[edit] Knowledge of Location
In 2004, a poll was given by CNN asking average Americans if they knew where Kazahkstan was. When asked, a startling 89.7% of U.S. citizens (and one Chinese tourist) said, "Isn't that where Osama bin Laden is?". Another 3% licked their lips seductively and replied that they didn't know, but would be happy to take the CNN pollster back to their place and help them look for it.
In 2009, Kazakhstan under president Borat declared war on Israel. He assembled the full force of the nation's catapult regiments, but he called off the nuclear missile attack, since he seen Natalie Portman for the first time. She's HOT. Is Nice. I vant her for me wife. I got other wifes. She a jew though. is funny. Borat decided to create a covert spy mission to Hollywood to perform the traditional Kazakh act of making up with enemies: bride capture.
| Commonwealth of Independent States - Former USSR Republics |
| Russia ~ Belarus ~ Ukraine ~ Estonia ~ Latvia ~ Lithuania ~ Moldova / Moldavia ~ Mordovia ~ Armenia ~ Azerbaijan ~ Georgia ~ Kazakhstan ~ Kyrgyzstan / Krgystan ~ Mongolistan ~ Ghettoistan ~ Tajikistan ~ Turkmenistan ~ Uzbekistan ~ other Stan countries ~ Alaska ~ Israel ~ Lipsonia ~ Soviet Britain |
| Turkic States |
| Azerbaijan | Cyprus | Kyrgyzstan | Kazakhstan | Uzbekistan | Turkey | Turkmenistan |
