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“WOW, She's a hot chick I had one day, straight off the barbeque.”
“Nothing's hotter than a honey badger that hates on Kathy Griffin.”
“Well I do declare, Wynonna Judd has lost a lot of weight!”
Kathy "Carrot Top" Griffin (born Kathie Lee Gifford) is a former actress, stand-up comedian and silicon-based lifeform, best known for nothing. Her jokes and
grating voice won her 10s of gay and heterosexual fans across the known universe. Despite this, Griffin is still unknown to most people except on the planet Pluto where she is considered the Queen. Her aliases include "Kathy Gizzle" (baptized by Paris Hilton), "Nancy Griffiths," and "Wynonna Judd." She is the current mascot of Burger King and mortal enemy of Kathie Lee Gifford.
edit Early life
In an early 90s interview with People Magazine, she revealed that for fun she would fart in boxes and send them to Ryan Seacrest. Unfortunely for her, he enjoyed these fart packages and therefore considered her to be his dearest friend for many years.
Kathy got her first big break when she met Kathie Lee Gifford at 7/11, at that time Kathy Griffin also possessed that name. Gifford, unhappy with the fact that Griffin (then also known as Gifford) stole her name, the two bitches got into a brawl. The fight lasted for several years until Kathy Griffin pushed Kathie Lee Gifford into a black hole and was never seen again. Although it has been reported that Kathie Gifford might be staging a comeback in the other dimension, this has yet to be proven. Due to her phobia of names of dead people, she was forced to change her name to Kathy Griffin. She is the 2nd cousin of the late King Peter Griffin of Quahog.
edit Near-Death Experiences
Griffin has had countless near-death experiences in the past half-century, which is a hell of a lot older than you young, hot twinkies. Once in 2000, she walked in front of an oncoming bus. The bus narrowly missed her, causing The Iranian Missile Crisis. It is rumored this incident indirectly started the conflict in Iraq.
Several years later in 1602, the people of Salem accused Griffin of being a witch, and planned to burn her at the stake. Fortunately for her, the only fire around at the time was her crotch.
Her most recent near-death experience was during her stand-up tour of North Korea in 2012. It was named the Imperialist Redhead Pig-dog Funny-lady Tour (or the IRPF tour for short) as a way of endearing the North Koreans. At a state banquet Griffin ate some kimchi and farted in the presence of Kim Jong-un. Rattled by her rudeness (and resulting 8.5 magnitute earthquake), he strapped her to a missile and she landed 4km away in a nearby Costco. Fortunately for Griffin, the missile failed to explode and she was able to continue her stand-up tour of North Korea. Human Rights activists around the world stated, "Haven't the people of North Korea suffered enough without adding this fire-crotch into the mix?" and called for her to be extradited to a remote island just 2 miles south of the Antarctica.
Despite her fame, Griffin has been the subject of universal criticism for usage of her "Gay" humor at the expense of her "gays." Many Christian organizations have also loudly voiced their opinion that "Kathy is a demonic bitch from hell and the world must be rid of her immediately." At least they are right in that respect.
edit TV Show/Career
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the Z-List premiered on the "Bravo Network" in the fall of 3001. The premiere episode had the best ratings Bravo had ever seen; it was watched by almost 15.2 viewers. The first season was to have only 13 episodes, however due to its unparalleled success in viewing figures, the season was increased to 89. The show was renewed for a second season 12 short years later. She was even awarded "Decent TV Personality" at the 2077 Annual Colgate Toothpaste Awards held annually in Newark, NJ. Tragically for Griffin, the second season failed to carry on the success of the first, averaging three viewers per episode. The show was abruptly cancelled. It was revived 23 more times and cancelled 40 more in the following months. It is rumored that FOX is currently interested in picking the show up (but with American Idol on, is that really going to happen?).
In the fall of 2012, Griffin wrote several messages in lipstick on a TV executive's bathroom mirror pleading for a new show. Due to a total lapse in judgement and one margarita too many, she was given one. After several months of juggling ideas, it was creatively named "Kathy". Upon airing just 4 episodes, the TV executive tracked her down to a nearby Wendy's and shouted "SIKE!", then proceeded to tear up the contract. Kathy was disheartened but immediately gave interviews to all the student newspapers she could find. She gushed that she was so "pleased" to have had 4 whole hours of air-time. Guests on her show included local pizza delivery men, her dentist and her ex boyfriend. She peaked at 15.9 viewers per episode.(That was a whole .7 more viewers than "My Life on the Z-list"!) Griffin, despite setbacks, still pushes herself to get as much air-time as possible. She does not even sleep. As such, she is currently working 22 hours a day with a troupe of dogs to perform a dance routine on "America's Got (some mediocre) Talent" due to air this September.
Currently, Griffin is busy filming a commercial for Lay's Potato Chips and is in talks to work on Broadway doing janitorial tasks. In her spare time she worships her Emmy she uses to stir her Preparation H with.
edit Fun Facts
- Griffin was born a boy. At age 7, she decided to become female. This would last until age 11 when she was diagnosed with ugly, where, from then on, the exact nature of her gender would remain a mystery. Reports indicate early drafts of Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code revolved around this mystery, instead of the religious themes in the final version.
- Is currently in talks to play Anna Nicole Smith in the upcoming all-star disaster epic Anna Nicole: We Hardly Loved You.
“I said GIVE ME THE FUCKING SIERRA MIST OR I'LL SHOOT!”
“Suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now!”
“Hi there, I would like a quarter-pounder with cheese and a coke.”