From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Don't make her angry, you don't like her when she's angry”
“mmm nice bun”
“Damn! Why can't I have a bun like that!”
“That's mah great great great great great great great grandaughter! You go get them girl!!!!”
Janeway, Captain Kathryn "Kate" is the eldest of two daughters of Admiral Janeway, who survived The Rapture. After graduating from high school and failing to become Captain Planet, she joined Starfleet to fulfill her desire to get her groove back. Later, she became captain of the famous star ship USS Voyager after only weeks of training. Demonstrating her undeniably womanly driving skills, she stranded the ship and entire crew in the Delta Quadrant. Her surviving crew included Chakotay, B'elanna, Harry Kim, Tuvok, Tom Paris and 5,223 of the original 126,000 red shirts. On the way back, she picked up a few travelers that included Neelix, a mohawk-based life form, as well as a Borg sexbot Seven of Nine (Three through Six of Nine were featured in one episode, titled "B-Orgy").
Kathryn attended all her classes at Starfleet, except for two. During the introductory courses for the Prime Directive, she was in quickie-rehab for her caffeine addiction and was not able to attend her "Keeping Now Now, And Then Then" and "Please Don't Fuck This Up: Avoiding Time Line Catastrophes" classes. Her temporal mechanics professor said she "...had little respect for the time line," yet still had a "...great drive and enthusiasm" for time travel. It is rumored that she attended the "Assimilation, What It Is and What It Means For You" class over nine times.
Her main distinguishing traits are:
- her bun.
- her voice (often described as a dalek chewing on gravel after smoking 50 packs of cigarettes a day).
- her fascination with guns and WMD's.
- her caffeine addiction.
- the ability to vaporize people on the spot with a stare that emits no visible special effects, noise or any tell tale traces of techno babble detectable with a tricorder.
- the inability to remember how many times she's broken the Prime Directive.
- her promiscuity.
She is known for her god-like abilities to survive anything that the Universe throws at her including bugs, Seska, Borg, sheep, Borg, her sex change op, stones, Seska, Borg stones, Richard Nixon, Seska, syphilis, unknown lifeforms, Oprah, carcinogenic tars & nicotine, flatulence, Seska, Borg, and Borg. This ability comes from her power to throw unlimited amounts of photon torpedoes (used 99 out of 40 to be exact). Janeway has the abilty to be called the ballest woman in starfleet because she is the only woman who is captain and thinks she has the balls to live up to Kirk.
BUN UsageDuring seasons 1-3, her Bun got 1510% more airtime than she did. Using the power of the Bun, she could resist all sorts of damage, reinforce shields, and create an unlimited supply of shuttles. Her bun was also able to display Voyager's state of emergency. The more disheveled the bun looked, the more severe were Voyager's problems. A little known fact is that Bun is in fact an acronym for "Better (than the) Ultimate Nose."
Captain Janeway's hair has been discussed by many scholars with experience in the field including Lee Stafford and Ricardo from the UK tv series "The Salon". While some have claimed that Janeway's hair is similar to a bun, mammoth hair expert Tommy Clarke claimed that it is not hair at all, but actually a cottage loaf. A comparison can be seen here.
Recreating the Janeway Cottage Loaf
For all of those who wish to recreate a Captain Janeway cottage loaf hairstyle just follow the simple steps below.
- 400g strong white flour, plus extra for dusting
- 1/2 tsp Salt
- 30g fresh yeast
- 60g Butter, softened
- 250ml warm water
- 1. Place the flour, salt, yeast, butter and warm water in a bowl and mix together to a soft, pliable dough.
- 2. Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for 5 minutes.
- 3. Return the dough to the cleaned bowl and set aside to rest for 1 hour.
- 4. Preheat the oven to 230°C/gas 8.
- 5. Turn out the rested dough onto a lightly floured surface.
- 6. Rip off a third of the dough and shape into a ball. Shape the remaining dough into a ball and place the smaller ball on top, then flatten slightly with your hand.
- 7. Push your finger down through the centre of the loaf, from the top to the bottom, until you can feel the working surface.
- 8. Dust the loaf with flour and cut vertical slashed from the top of the loaf to the bottom with a sharp knife.
- 9. Place the loaf on a lined baking sheet and bake for 30 minutes until golden brown. Transfer to a wire rack to cool.
- 10. Inititate self destruct sequence. Authorization Janeway Pi 110.
Now you will have your own authentic Captain Janeway cottage loaf, why not try wearing it out and surprising all your friends, and anyone else for that matter!
Captain Janeway is known for her uncommon manner of keeping extraordinary calm and having unusually perfect hair during a perilous situation(Even though when the bridge shakes, you see her hair flail out, and then back into place.) While under attack from another ship, Captain Janeway is known just to kick back and relax in her chair, furiously masturbating with a phaser and give out orders like she is giving out an order for a drink. She is, however, known to become downright aggressive if her hair is disturbed in said attack. She is also known to fall asleep during battle, as she needs her rest. Her skin is known to react to any type of physical exertion, as she is hypersensitive to any physical manual labour. She likes to "take it easy," especially with her battery powered "Chakotay".
Janeway is rumored to be God. The evidence according to half a source for this rumor is overwhelming, as Janeway is the only Starfleet captain to:
- Have an infinite supply of photon torpedoes, shuttlecraft and redshirts.
- Evolve into a lizard and have sex with her helmsman. Aka rapey lizards.
- Pretend to be a prostitute to save her crew.
- Legally kill a Q.
- Have shown infinite resilience to Tuvoc's OCD version of the word 'sensors'. Tuvoc: "Our senz0rs show..."
- Have a damn fine bun.
- Find the start button on a Linux machine.
- Smoke 200 cigarettes a day for 7 years without producing a single molecule of second-hand smoke.
- Plus the fact that she is a pool shark. "Chakotay, your stick?" "Solids!"
- Although she a starfleet captain she has also found time to master 23rd century computer programming(she seems to come up with new "algotithums and programmes" in 45 minute time periods that do whatever needs to be done to fix voyager or talk with alien computers), has become an expert at string theory, chaos theory, quantum theory.... just about any scientific discipline and field actually. She can fight like bruce lee. Most normal navy captains have enough trouble learning about psychology, marine physics and commanding a vessel.
And that's only season two.
She was also able to destroy her own ship on countless occasions and still somehow manage to get it back to Earth in seven conveniently timed years.(the same amount of time Picard adventures lasted)
Janeway always starts a battle by going to Red Alert (her euphemism for PMS). This is nothing more than saying: Red Alert!. The message given to the aliens is Want a piece of me, punk?. The next action to do is initiate the Self-Destruct on the ship. At that point, she is invincible. It is now she kicks the ass of the Kazon, Vidiians, or Borg. Normally, to make sure that they endure less pain and humiliation, the Borg will start firing at each other.
Janeway is virtually invulnerable, as her enemies have stated time and time again. Even the venerable Borg Queen tried to give her the mickey once and ended up falling to pieces over Janeway - a testament to how bad she tastes or how emotionally she affects her enemies. However, she does have one weakness. If she has no coffee, she cannot perform any godlike tasks, her photon torpedoes vanish, her hairstyle even collapses into some sort of half-assed housewife setup and she can't even intimidate a simple lifeform such as a Q, or an R, or the rest of the alphabet.
Following an unfortunate incident in a gravel swallowing competition, Captain Janeway's oesophagus became completely jammed, leaving her voice horrifically distorted. Leading Master of the Federation Geological Committee (FGC) Professor Louisa Horner was known to have once led a research team in order to investigate what is now referred to as "Devey Syndrome". Their findings concluded that the only thing to alleviate the pain caused by Devey Syndrome is a constant supply of replicated black coffee and occasional vision quests. Other side effects of Devey Syndrome include:
- Temporal distortions
- Complete disregard for the Prime Directive
- At the first sign of peril, the subjects hair becomes a sentient being
- A tendency to completely ignore all of their crew
- A taste for Cottage Loaf
- An almost compulsive need to find new ways to implement the deflector array to a range of situations
The Voice Paradox
Following on from the research of Professor Louisa Horner, Dr. Mark Galvin has theorized that in extreme cases of Devey Syndrome, the subjects nose (as well as the oesophagus) can also close up. This results in the subject sounding both "gravelly" and "nasally" simultaneously.
Why Janeway is the best captain
Janeway vs. Picard
Reasons why Janeway is better
- After 7 years of being Captain, Janeway became an admiral. Picard has been a captain for 50 years, half a FUCKING CENTURY.
- Janeway becomes an admiral, Picard turns down the chance every time he gets it.
- Two words: "Ablative Armor".
- Two more words: "Transphasic Torpedoes".
- Janeway stays in the Delta Quadrant for 7 years and loses only 17 crew members. Picard can't stay in there for 5 minutes without losing 50 people from a Borg attack.
- She can actually destroy Borg ships. Picard just gets pwned like a n00b when he tries to fight them.
- One word: hair.
- More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
- Has a science background. Quoting Shakespeare two minutes before a warp core breach isn't very helpful.
- Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
- Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
- Mutes the doctor when he gets out of line.
- Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.
- Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
- Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
- Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
- Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.
- Looks better in sleepwear. Just.
- Isn't French with an English accent.
- "Take this cheese to sickbay!" I don't know why this is here, either, but I loved that line!
- Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
- When Janeway lands her ship, it can take off again.
- Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.
- To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song...in French...about a monk...who can't wake up for morning bells.
- The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.
- Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo...ON HIS FACE!
- She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.
- Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.
- Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasle her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.
- 30 episodes without surrendering the ship.
- 30 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.
- Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet again take over the ship.
- She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.
- Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic! In a manly way.
- Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.
- Cheesy dialogue.
- Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to blend in with a primitive planet.
- She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
- Her engineer does not wear a bananna clip over her eyes. Just a stupid forehead.
- Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments. Such as running out of coffee or the latest gossip magazine.
- Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).
- Her telepath only lives nine years.
- Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme but sadly returned.
- 45,000 light-years is one thing. Every point in the universe instantaneously? That's excessive!
- Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force".
- Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail. Or humour.
- The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf could stomach.
- Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off. But what do you expect from a directionless woman?
- Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.
- Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
- Coffee. Black.
- Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
- Has a more manly voice than Barry White.
- Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.
- Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
- Kes, sorry Seven of Nine. Troi. No contest.
- Neelix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.
- At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time she wants something to drink.
- Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles. That's women drivers for you... "oh them? they're meant to fold. Honest"
- Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.
- Her CONN officer can use contractions. However, he can't act. Or carryout multiple complex equations while juggling 38 different objects.
- Her first officer has a halucinogenic device. Sadly, its not heroine, crystal meth or even some weed.
- None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.
- To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get . . . to Risa.(Actually, this one may go toward Picard. Sex for displaying a statue)
- Riker never smiled at Picard that way.(Outside of Fanfics). Thankfully.
- Q asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused. Q asked Picard's girlfriend to run away with him and she accepted.
- She has a faster ship that can LAND on planets. Again, women drivers.... "oh yes, its meant to land. It really is".
- Q met Picard and wanted to destroy humanity. Q met Janeway and wanted to destroy her in bed. Many preferred to do the former.
- Janeway's First Officer is a native American. With a tattoo...ON HIS FACE!...Wait...we already said that...
- She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands...already said that one, too!
- Janeway has shuttlecraft that go waaay faster than any ship Picard had.
- One word: hair...and that one.
- Knows when it's time to break the (temporal) Prime Directive. PMT time!!!!!
- She can destroy Borg Cubes within seconds.
- When two Janeways team up they can take out anything in the universe. PMT again.
- Janeway spent seven years in the Delta Quadrant. Picard wussed out in under 45 minutes... We really should stop repeating ourselves.
- One word, 2 digits: "Warp 10"
- Janeway never had Pinocchio as a crew member.
- Voyager's bridge officers had CHAIRS.
- None of Janeway's crew were perpetually in soft focus like Miss Ellie.
- Not just content with kicking the Borg's arse, she also kicked the arse of a lifeform which had already bitchslapped the Borg repeatedly (Species 8472)
- Janeway was in REMO: UNARMED AND DANGEROUS, ffs
- Janeway's Artificial Being could feel emotion since the moment he was activated. Data could not. (Seriously, htf is an outdated, Mark One Holographic Medical Program capable of grasping emotion while supposedly complex android Data needed a freaking chip??)
- Picard was assimilated by the Borg, Janeway assimilated a borg.
- Janeway can get her ship laid by space bugs.
Janeway vs. Kirk
- Kirk did not have a holodeck.
- Her doctor wasn't human. Hell, he wasn't even ALIVE!
- Jeri Ryan.
- Her Chief engineer was a tepid Klingon, not that dumb fat guy.
- The planets she visited never looked suspiciously like the California desert. Except that one on which they couldn't survive without an environmental suit. (Everyone knows that was Los Angeles)
- Met characters first encountered... By Picard!
- Would you really want to see William Shatner nude?
- Janeway would never, ever tell her fans to GET A LIFE!
- Janeway never ever met Joan Collins.
- Three words: seven whole seasons.
- Janeway has adventures with god-like beings. Kirk did too, but the Q are much cooler than Apollo.
- Janeway never has pretentious episode titles like, "For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky".
- While Kirk did make most of the decisions aboard his ship, this was only because advice from his crew was almost exclusively limited to "That's illogical Captain," "You cannae change the laws of physics," "It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim," "It's life, but not as we know it" and "Klingons on the starboard bow." Small wonder really.
- Half of Janeway's crew were terrorists, but they never dared talk back to her.
- Janeway's helmsman was a hardened criminal as opposed to a Monkees look-alike.
- Kirk nailed everything that moved. Janeway had to create her perfect man on the Holodeck, her standards are that high.
- A network for Paramount failed when Kirk was going to get a show, when Janeway got a show, it started a channel that became (part of) the CW
- Janeway would never let herself get turned into a man, but you know she would have made a better one than Kirk.
- Janeway bitch-slapped the Borg Queen. Kirk would have tried to do her.
- Seriously..........Would you really really want to see William Shatner nude?
- Janeway isn't racist against Klingons.
- Janeway was never raped by a Dinosaur. Or so we think.
- Tim Russ never hosted a ridiculus show called In Search Of
- B'Lanna Torres would never talk to a computer mouse. She would just crush it. With her superstrong Klingon vagina.
- When Kirk appeared in Janeways time period, he was shot by Tolian Soran....BEFORE VOYAGER FIRST AIRED!, when Janeway visited Kirk's era, they never came face to face, but she sorta met Sulu, but he's not Kirk.
- She has a first officer with a tattoo.
- Kirk has one alien on his ship, Janeway has 5 aliens, 2 borg and a hologram.
- Janeway's head of security has Vulcan ears glued to his head. Kirk's security officers die every episode.
- Jeri Ryan. Again. She's THAT GOOD an asset............................boobs.
- Kirk had Slash fics with Spock. Janeway had Femslash fics with 7 of 9. I repaet from the above BOOOOOOBS!
- When Kirk encountered a time paradox he solved it by letting a Woman get killed, a pretty good looking Woman. When Janeway encountered a time paradox she solved it by piloting her ship into it. Janeway had more balls.
Janeway vs. Archer
- Seven of Nine v. T'Pol. Borg drone has bigger tits.
- She is black coffee powered.
- Her father is Admiral Janeway, the only person who survived a fifty hour long game of battleship with Admiral Donald Duck.
- Originally, the character was known as Nicole Janeway, but Kate Mulgrew thought that Nicole was a stupid name and changed it to her own.
- Her father, Admiral Janeway, is actually herself, due to a drunken bet with a Starfleet officer from the 29th century.
- She is the only person alive to be named Janeway. As she has personally killed every other Janeway in existence.
- She has a tattoo fetish.
- She is 5'10 size 6.
- Has a damn fine bun.
- Her Nickname Is "the backhand" gained from her early years playing tennis, she was said to idolize the legendary feisty and somewhat cocky, Jennifer Capriati. It is widely known that Capriati is a Maternal ancestor of Janeways in the early 21st century, a fact Janeway flaunted to all her colleagues at Starfleet Academy.
- Upon returning to the Alpha Quadrant, she proceeded to hunt down the writers responsible for stopping her from getting any action with Chakotay. Said writers were put through her coffee grinder, making the blackest coffee Janeway had ever seen. She promptly invited Chakotay over for some "hot coffee". He refused. Wisely.
- She has also performed many lectures at Starfleet Academy, such as "The importance of Coffee in Command,", "Dress to impress, 47 ways of getting the perfect bun" and "Creating Photon Torpedoes out of Thin Air".
- You can tell what season of Voyager it is by how low her hair is hanging. The lower it is, the later the season.
- She made a guest appearance in Oblivion as Captain Kathryn Renault of the Imperial Starship Tamriel. Again, she got lost and Harry Kim sacrificed himself for the future.
- There is some evidence that she has some of the DNA of Marget Thatcher, possibly explaining her more Nazi like tactics and tendencies to eat the testicles of her own crew.
"I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager!" (Repeat in eternity+1)
"Surrender your coffee or prepare to be destroyed. Resistance is measured in Ohms." (Repeated as long as she will make hails)
"There's coffee in that nebula!"
"Okay Chakotay I give up. Come join me in this bathtub... and bring the soapy frogs."
"Neelix, did I ever tell you you're fucking annoying? I am giving you a direct order to sterilize yourself."
"Seska, you BITCH!"
"I can't allow Starfleet condoms to be stolen from this ship. Think about all children in this quadrant that would NOT be born!"
"Seven, I'm giving you a direct order: Show me Borg sex."
"Does my Bun look big in this?"
"Does the ship look powerful in this Bun?"
"Listen, uhh, Harry, last night was a mistake. Take this red shirt and report to the hyper-guillotine."
"Q, don't touch me there."
"You see, Chakotay, the best thing about being the only Starfleet ship in the Delta Quadrant is that we get to screw over any race royally, then go back and tell Starfleet we went out for groceries for 7 years."
"Another great thing about being 70,000 light years away from the nearest Starfleet vessel is that once we finally get back to Earth, we can makeup bullshit stories. Off the top of my head: "We met Amelia Earhart," "We singlehandedly eliminated most of the Borg fleet." or "Paris and I turned into giant pink lizards and mated,""
"Initiate self destruct program."
"Chakotay, I bet you 10 days of replicator rations that I can convince the next race that I am "Professor Ringading von Longdong of the Federation Starship Coca-Cola."
"I have had enough from you and your temporal prime directive talk... I'll cause paradox as I please."
"Like hell do I have to answer your trivia to take command of my ship. I didn't screw half the Admirals in the fleet to get on a bullshit transporter room trivia show."
"Who's sexy now Bitch" (On the Borg Queen") "'Why dont they ever die? Who writes this show?!'" (On the Borg Queen") "Dammit Piccard! Why didnt you kill the borg when you had the chance!?"
"Doctor, I don't care if he's suffering from renal failure and flatulence. I NEED TUVOK ON THE BRIDGE!!!!"
"Time travel gives me a headache. Tea gives me a headache. In fact, all of you give me a headache. I'm going to bed, wake me for the second reel with some coffee "
|Captain"People named "|
America - Atheist - Autofellatio - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Communist - Hook - Irrelevant - Jack Harkness - Janeway - Kaptainskye - Kirk - Knuckles - Marvel - Morgan - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Planet - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Video