Kate Bush

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“Up yours Babooshka, ya ya!”

~ Kate Bush on mushrooms

“I'm not particularly enthralled with the idea of Kate's bush - but I'm certain her tradesman's entrance would be lovely!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Kate Bush

“Fank gawd for Kate Bush, or no one would accidentally buy my music.”

~ Kate Nash on Kate Bush

Kate W. Bush is the 43rd President of the United States, although she is more renowned as an eccentric singer-songwriter.

Kate W. Bush (the W being for Wardrobehound) can move at the speed of light, as seen in the video for Wuthering Heights. She is also responsible for preventing the Nazi invasion of England. Adolf Hitler is quoted as saying: "Out of respect for Kate Bush, a true Nordic princess of the Fatherland, I cannot occupy the land she considers home. And anyway, I want to propose to her next month, I've got the ring ready and everything."

Kate Bush is known for her abundance of pubic hair, which has won many awards (including the 2005 Nobel prize in economics). She has a personal fortune estimated to be in the region of £300bn, along with other cash deposits placed in various banks scattered throughout the Milky Way.

Contents 1 Biography 2 Music 2.1 The KT Band 2.2 The Kathi Demos (10,000 BC - AD 1973) 3 Albums 3.1 The Dick Inside (1978) 3.2 Lionchuff (1978) 3.3 Never For Ever (1980) 3.4 The Dreaming (1982) 3.5 Dogs D'Amour (1985) 3.6 The Sensual World (1989) 3.7 Kate Bush and the Great Earth-Mars War 3.8 The Red Shoes (1993) 3.9 The (almost) "lost songs" (1982-1996) 3.10 Ariel (2005) 3.11 Present 4 Miscellaneous 4.1 Running up that hill 4.2 Top 10 Selling Albums 5 Baseless Rumours 5.1 Kate Bush on writing 5.2 Television Appearances 6 See Also

[edit] Biography

The original Kate Bush was not a bush at all, but a tree of the genus Pretensuosa. The tree was found on the border between England and Wales in the mid 14th Century and became renowned for its large pink flowers which represent the vagina in popular mythology of the time. It appears on the coats of arms of the Amos, Rhodes and Nash families.

The current incarnation of Kate Bush was born to Havabig Bušh, a Czech afterlife psychic, and her husband, Irish-Kenyan Barack Obama, a physicist. She has a twin sister named Jenna and another twin sister named Barbara. Her twin brothers, George and Jeb, died at birth.

Bush is a wretched mess of flesh and meat, not unlike Alan Titchmarsh/Toxic Avenger if he also had wonky breasts and a more noticeable boss eye.

Kate is considerably less productive and talented than her mother. Her last album took exactly 10,000 days to make. Her most popular song from that album, entitled Holy Cornhole, was Gabooshka Fuck You, in which she portrayed comic book character Red Sonja's fantasy of watching Rocky and Rambo doing each other with dildos. Brigitte Nielsen later sued Bush for intellectual property theft, saying that she had thought of it first. Nielsen's case collapsed, however, when ex-husband Sylvester the Cat failed to arrive at court to give evidence; the American press later reported that at the time, he was held hostage in the English county of Kent by a pair of obsessive Bush fans.

Kate Bush's life is a well-documented affair, featured by H. G. Wells in his biographical film Alien 3. In the film, Bush is made to choose between her own life and that of the human race; this is now known to be inaccurate: Bush was in fact made to choose between the life of some pigeons nested on her clothesline or the clothes that were constantly being soiled. She chose the former and spent much of her life indoors, fearing public shame. On the odd occasion she did leave the house Bush would usually cover herself in vines to hide the stains. Bush's subsequent obsession with laundry and household tasks was described in her song Slooshy Sloshy Slooshy Sloshy, from the album Ariel.

Unfortunately, the outer surface of Kate Bush's body was far too permeable to the planet's atmosphere, what with it being inside-out and all. Thus, she was only able to survive for 27 seconds after being born before being infected with X-mas and scratching her genitals to death. Unhappy with the brevity of her brief life, Bush fled to the moon on a rocket-ship. On the moon, Bush gave birth her first child Bert, before meeting Bert's imaginary friend Buzz Lightyear and marrying him. Kate had her first child with Buzz and named him Bert. After poisoning the Toast King by putting arsenic in his coffee (which smelled of bitter almonds), Kate proclaimed herself King of the Moon and wrote an album about metrosexual Inuit.

The album was a failure and Kate's fame rocketed back down to earth where noone cared any more. Kate has since changed her name to Catherine Earnshaw and weighs 400 pounds. She roams her Cheshire mansion by night; in daylight hours she is often sighted singing up on the roof, accompanied by an elderly Puppini Sisters tribute act named the Tree of Bulgarwheat.

[edit] Music

Kate Bush's music is very eclectic in its inspiration, and is generally held by the British public to be the best fucking music ever, which is an appropriate sentiment given that Kate's music seems to be mostly about fucking. It's either about fucking, or it's about something related to fucking, or it's erotically-charged and makes you dream about fucking.

The late George Carlin said of Kate Bush: "This is what's wrong with America; you can't make an album that has anything unsavory, for instance drugs or blowjobs, because, God forbid, it's a bad influence on children. Fuck me, over in Britain they have a singer called Kate Bush. Ever heard of Kate Bush? All of her songs are essentially, about fucking!"

[edit] The KT Band

Between the years 1975 and 1979, Kate Bush was accompanied by her own troupe of musicans called the KT Band. These individuals are thought to have originally been a band of Knights Templar warrior-monks transported to contemporary Earth via a wormhole. They encountered Bush while scavanging for food on a rubbish tip just outside of Lewisham three weeks after their arrival; Kate becoming their leader by defeating their original Prior-Marshall (Roger Du Coursy) in a magical duel. Their input to Bush's musical compositions is highly disputed - but several commentators have remarked on the numerous references to Freemasonry, hidden Templar treasure and medieval heresies appearing in Bush's songs throughout the 1970's. Their logo is thought to represent the activation panel of an ancient Martian super-weapon buried under Mons Olympus - which they had been venerating as a sacred relic. The original was lost through Bush accidentally leaving it on the table of an Ealing wine bar - its present wearabouts is presenty unknown. Kate Bush is thought to have given her band the name "KT" as a promotional gimmic for her 1978 "Lionheart" album; which was to be marketed with the bi-line -"Lionheart! -here comes KT KT KT!". This was scrapped due to its feared detrimental impact on the U.K's mental health.

Despite their role as backing musicans for Kate Bush they still remained an active Templar unit - one of their training videos being put to music by Bush and released in conjunction with her song "Army Dreamers (here come the Templars)!" The bracketed sub-title was dropped from later editions due to pressure from the Vatician. Many commentators have linked this to their official absolution from heresy charges (outstanding since AD 1313) five months after this "editorial correction". The reasons underlying this chain of events remain obscure to this day. After almost 4 years with Bush, the KT band vanished suddenly in December 1979 while waiting for a bus in central London. Their rumoured involvement in the 1989 Great Earth-Mars war, particularly in the bloody assault on the Temple-Castle of Aurrrah Almarrada, High Tryant of Mars is presently unconfirmed. In his book And still they come!....a popular history of the Great Earth-Mars War, the military historian Trebor Eroom speculates they perished heroically while successfully laying the anti-matter bangalore breeching charge that demolished complexes' adamantine walls. However, it should be noted that various Internet sites have featured numerous sightings of several band-members after 1990, many reports claiming they are often accompanied by Elvis, Gurdjieff, Wilheim Reich and/or Catherine Earnshaw.

[edit] The Kathi Demos (10,000 BC - AD 1973)

Much secrecy surrounds the mysterious Kathi Demos marking the inception of Kate Bush's career, which she compiled over the space of a dozen previous lifetimes. It is said these songs lead to the discovery of Bush by Kidd Knapp, bongo player for the Space Acid rock group Orange Harry; first hearing them while streaking outside her house sometime in July 1973. Knapp was sufficently impressed to make a demo of these broody, deep and intense but also uplifting and optimistically pessimisitic ditties on a wax cylinder recording device placed within a bucket of water. After three years of intensive lobbying, Knapp managed to get Bush a recording contract with EMU records. However, six months later Knapp was killed by a low-lying UFO while streaking on Clapham Common. In thanks for his support, Bush recorded the song Running Down That Common (Now He Deals With God!) in his honour.

These hard-to-discern but significant songs have since become valued collectors items among Bush's fan-base - and also by her admirers not mounted on rotary cooling devices. They have nonetheless remained notably obscure, due to an unfortunately high mortality rate among their collectors. Police have yet to apprehend the killer - the prime suspect described by various surviving eyewitnesses as being 5 foot 3.5 inches high with long dark hair and wearing a flowing white dress.....

The actual composition of the Kathi demo canon is highly disputed - a factor not helped by the high homicide rate suffered by collectors. However, most agree they consist of the following:

• Not Much Of A Song: A tuneful uplifting melody that runs for only 22.3141 seconds; it has been compared to Bush herself - talented, but short!

• Surrender unto the Romans: Recounts the last days of Boudicca, spent hiding in her potting shed.

• Frightened Ayes: The crew of the Mary Celeste slowly realise they aren't going home....

• Queen Edmund: A tragic love ballad about the first openly gay king of England - who hangs himself in grief when his boyfriend runs off and joins a vampire clan.

• Cussy-Cussy (Bushy Bushy): Bush imagines life with Tourette's syndrome.

• The Craft of Death: (also known as Grey Matter): A musical rendition of Mac Brazil's discovery of a crashed UFO at Roswell, New Mexico.

• Passing Through Ayr: Kate Bush embarks on a musical journey through Scotland.

• Fired inside a snowball: The sad story of an unemployed eskimo human cannonball.

• Orgasmic Alkaline: Represents a doomed love affair based mainly on the mutual consumption of non-acrid substances. It contains the immortal (and maybe immoral) byline "....by the third week of the relationship they were orgasmic on alkaline..." The song is notable in being co-produced with her brother, the supersting theory poet John Carter of Mars-Welling.

• Deli: Details the day in the life of a Bexleyheath sandwich bar.

• Way-too-Close - baby: A change for Bush, as she deals out the rejection in this song - in this instance to her first boyfriend, Darth Vader.

• No-show Angel: Recounts the moving story of a guardian spirit who becomes sceptical of his own existence, due to being the protector of Richard Dawkins.

• Lionhearts - arrrhhh! where be they, then?: An early attempt to cash on the popularity of English West Country dialect songs popular at the time.

• Falling Off A Heathy-cliff (It Hurts Me - Not Sooo Soft!): A song of failing relationships and falling great distances onto hard surfaces. A rewritten version of this song may have been the basis for her breakthrough hit Withering Looks.

• Strained Outside The Moonbase: Celebrates the first hiatus hernia acquired by a lunar colonist during the mid-21st century.

• While Davy dozed, the Gipsy solved!: Envisions Davy Crockett and Urrakka the Gipsy as a crime fighting duo, Crockett here represented as suffering from dropsy, leaving Urrakka to do all the work.

• That's Really Scary (Let's Get Going!): Bush dreams of meeting herself in a parallel universe identical to our own...

It is also suggested that further melodies should be added to the Kathi Demo canon; namely Unknown Song, The Other Unknown Song, Unknown Song II (or Forgotten Melody), Yet another Unknown song (sometimes known as Sunrise Over My Piano)and This Might Be A New Song - Or Just Static - Or Maybe An Actual Song Called "Just Static". There may be a further recording - but some commentators believe this is only Unknown Song and The Other Unknown Song spliced together by Bush while high on wholemeal bread accidentally contaminated by ergot.

[edit] Albums

[edit] The Dick Inside (1978)

Kate Bush's first album was called The Dick Inside, and for the most part is about fucking. The title, in conjunction with the video for the song Wuthering Heights, is regarded a clever marketing ploy to boost sales with teenage boys pretending to be straight.

The album opens with 20 seconds of whale orgasms, leading into the first song which is about making love to complete strangers. The next track, The Saxophone Song, is a ballad about a girl listening to her hot German saxophonist boyfriend ramble on while she dreams about him going down on her using the fluttertongue technique. In Strange Phenomena Kate sings about the magnetic pull of the moon on her breasts to indicate which direction Pink Floyd guitarist Ian Gilmour is walking in.

Kite is about being at the climax of an orgasm, featuring the memorable lyrics "Beelzebub is achin' in my belly-oh, my feet are heavy and are rooted in my welly-ohs!" which is of course a euphemism for wanting hot filthy sex. The Man With A Child In His Eyes tells the story of a woman whose husband is a pederast and is molesting a boy he met at a local beach, though he is under the delusion it's romantic. Feel It describes the awkward transition between coming inside for a coffee and coming inside, if you get my drift. The last track on the album, The Kick Inside, is about a girl who is pregnant to her brother with classical allusions thrown in - essentially the very first nerd porn, which briefly attracted a heterosexual male fanbase.

Arguably the album's most notorious track is Withering Looks, in which a young Yorkshirewoman named Catherine Morland suffers from night frights and a delusion that she can talk to Cliff Richard. The song is a tribute to 19th century writer Charlotte Brontë, who died of contortions (now called TV) along with the rest of her family. In the lyrics, Bush complains about the cold Yorkshire weather and declares that she has only one dream: "to go to Rome for the night". The song attracted controversy in Eastern Europe and is the reason that Bush has never toured overseas. In 1979 Leonid Brezhnev had recently decreed that fish were communal property, and Bush's lyrical plea to "Let me have it, let me grab your sole away" saw the song banned in the Eastern Bloc, a prohibition which continues to this day in Russia and Belarus. Bush continues to face arrest in 28 European territories which have extradition treaties with Russia.

Absolutely all of the other songs, however, are definitely about fucking.

[edit] Lionchuff (1978)

Lionchuff is largely a sequel or B-side to The Dick Inside, being released later the same year and in the same sort of style. The cover depicts Bush in her feline form, as a lion; fans were disappointed when she did not take this form for the thirtieth anniversary of the album. The songs are twisted songs about burning cats, cutting up hand towels and playing in enchanted gardens with harps playing in the background.

Having displayed her willingness to confront boobies, fertility and muff-diving on The Dick Inside, Bush's second album is considered utterly obsessed with homosexuality. Highlights of the album include In Search of Peter Mandelson, in which a young man declares his wish to meet and emulate his political hero, and Wow, where a camp actor dreams of greasing up his bottom ready for Dennis Waterman, star of contemporary police drama The Sweeney. In The Warm Room is about a gay sauna where all the participants are referred to by female pronouns, whilst Kashka from Baghdad is a celebration of the widespread acceptance of homosexuality in Saddam-era Iraq. Bush's ability to communicate subconsciously with gay men was most firmly established, however, when North London gay serial killer Harry Nilsson declared in police interviews that he had been "killing for company", a line contained in the lyrics for Coffee Homeground, a track on this album.

The album did not do well commercially but, like all of her albums, some fat emo kid will find that it fills some huge blank in their blank, meaningless, consumer-driven lives.

[edit] Never For Ever (1980)

Kate Bush's third album is notable for containing two of her biggest hits up to that point. Babooshka, which tells of a heart-breaking case of mistaken identity arising from a woman's inability to correctly pronounce her own name, and Breathing, an up-tempo number originally written as an advertising jingle for CND. The song was not accepted, but Bush did find commercial success with Army Dreamers after British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher insisted that it be used in recruitment campaigns by the British armed forces from 1981 to 1985.

In the song The Wedding List, Bush sings her bridal registry to thirty-three decimal places and in thirty-four octaves. Other tracks include The Infant Kiss, an ode to the innocence of youth, whilst Night-Scented Stock boasts perhaps Bush's finest lyrics. Also there's something about a sad band manager and a violin that might actually be a machine gun, but honestly it's pretty much gobbledegook. Bush does, however, manage to shoehorn the word "pussy" into the track Egypt, again proving that all of her music really is about fucking.

Sonically, the album is notable for being Bush's first to credit her as one of the producers. The production is heavily inspired by the work of the Angel Gabriel, with whom Kate had collaborated in the past. Notable decisions Kate made in this role include utilising a wide variety of ARP and Fairlight synthesisers, and replacing Oliver Reed with Max Von Sydow in the part of the cook.

[edit] The Dreaming (1982)

Seeking a move away from the Roxy Music and David Bowie-inspired sounds of her earlier albums, The Dreaming saw Kate assuming sole producer credits, and eager to further develop the world music influences she had incorporated from the Angel Gabriel.

Her initial plan had been to construct a seven-part progressive folk suite about a woman drowning at sea, but she abandoned this idea permanently after people laughed at her and called it silly. Instead, at the urging of her record company Kate set to it and produced the most focused and accessible set of songs of her career. This new, more overtly "pop" Kate alienated much of her fanbase, but at the same time it led to her work being exposed to a much wider, mainstream audience.

Bush's new and welcome positivity resonated strongly with the record-buying public, and the album features songs such as Pull Out The Pin, the heart-warming ballad of an American GI and a Viet Cong soldier who learn to put aside their differences when one of them loses his LBJ inauguration commemorative button and needs help looking for it, and Suspended in Gaffa, about Kate using tape to hold her stockings up before a show. Sat In Your Lap tells the story of a happy-go-lucky young woman who takes up lap-dancing to fund her legal studies as she declares: "I want to be a lawyer, I want to be a scholar", whilst Night of the Swallow, later in the album, picks up the same woman's tale as she performs fellatio for pennies. Get Out of My House, with its punning title and strong Chicago influences, even became a minor dance floor hit.

Critical response was rapturous at the time, but over the years the tide of opinion has turned against the album, and it is now considered by most of her fans to be a minor and largely inessential recording.

[edit] Dogs D'Amour (1985)

Considered by many people to be Kate Bush’s masterpiece, Dogs D'Amour was the first album ever to feature a free puppy with every copy bought. In August 1985, on the BBC's evening chatshow Wogan, the single Running Up That Hill (Deal or No Deal with God) was played for the first time. As Bush sang her last note, Terry Wogan immediately burst into flames, and his show was cancelled; this gained Bush seven million more fans, and Hounds of Love galloped into the UK pop charts, knocking Madonna's I'm A Virgin, No Really I Am from the number one position. The album is split into two sides, with the first side, Hounds of Love, containing five "accessible" pop songs, including the singles Blockbusting, Dogs D'Amour and Fuck Me, Look How Big The Sky Is, I Mean, It Goes On Forever.

The second side is entitled The Ninth Snark, whose title is taken from a work by the former Poet Laureate Alfred, Lord Snooty. The songs fit together to tell the story of a woman who wins a cruise on the lottery, falls overboard and is swept out to sea, facing death by drowning, and the tortured night she spends bobbing up and down in the icy water. This story was later copied in an episode of Postman Pat and several of the tracks also feature in the hit film Titanic starring Kate Middleton and Lionel Blair. The song Watching You Without Me features a backwards vocal which, when played the right way round, reveals Bush’s shopping list for the date 09-12-85. She can be heard saying:

Potatoes, crisps, toothpaste and cheese,

I’m off to Tescos to buy all of these.

I might buy a carrot or maybe a leek:

Whatever I get has to last me a week.

As a result of her lyrical brilliance, Bush was named Top Bird 1986 at the prestigious Brit Awards, beating fierce competition including Petula Clark, Betty Boo, Janice Muppet and the late Gracie Fields.

The video for the 1986 single Blockbusting, her celebrated duet with Bob Holness, features Bush and Hollywood star Donald Neilson as contestants on an edition of the popular TV quiz show Top of the Form. The video climaxes with Bush completing her fifth and final Gold Run and winning a yo-yo which she subsequently buries in the garden, before Holness's son comes out.

[edit] The Sensual World (1989)

The Sensual World is considered by Bush as her most "masculine" album and, in a radical departure from her previous work, is all about fucking. With songs like Men Do It So Much Better and I Wish I Was A Man, Kate muses about her childhood fantasy of being a boy and playing football or date-raping young, vulnerable girls at parties. In her video for the single This Man's Work Bush can be seen playing at a piano with a cardboard cut-out beard. This is believed to be the result of a misunderstanding between the video's creative director and Bush, who had asked that she, rather than the piano, get to wear the beard.

The album is also notable for its radical modernist and post-modernist lyrical experimentation. The lyrics to opening track The Sensual World, for example, consist of a sexually passionate monologue in the style of William Joyce, while Heads We're Dancing displays a bold flair for metafiction, telling the story of a young Adolf Hitler who dances all night at a party with a charming stranger only to find out in the morning that the woman he had been dancing with was in fact Kate Bush. Deeper Understanding is the story of a geek who preempts the internet by talking dirty to a Commodore 64 image of Samantha Fox until he ejaculates over his keyboard (which he believes to be his girlfriend). In This Man's Work Bush declares that she has just had enough of being a woman and wants to become a bloke so that she can belch, fart and scratch her arse in public, although Lennie Bennett, host of 1980s gameshow Punchlines, caused controversy when he stated in a 1992 interview with Nicaraguan Vogue that Bush was in fact an accomplished farter, attributing the deadliness of her rectal gas to her vegetarian lifestyle.

Following the release of this album, a survey in 1991 found that all but three of Bush's male fans are gay. The survey caused controversy since, from 1984 to 1991, males who had claimed to like Kate Bush would easily get laid by hippie chicks. In order to root out imposters, Kate Bush fan conventions since 1991 have required men to prove that they are fans by:

• showing their Stonewall membership card; or
• reciting the hanky code; or
• completing randomly-chosen sentences from Acorn Antiques or from Boy George's autobiography Take It Like A Man [sic].

Women continue to be admitted to fan conventions by wearing an ethnic-patterned skirt or an item of Celtic-design jewellery.

[edit] Kate Bush and the Great Earth-Mars War

Much has been written of Kate Bush’s involvement in the Earth-Mars War of 1989 – unfortunately mostly fiction with the odd fact thrown in shock effect. The subject of several anime cartoons (most notably Bushgirl Provisional Hero Rocket Squad), numerous washing powder adverts and three highly exploitive and poorly-casted TV movies, it represents the most well documented but also the most poorly presented - war in human history.

This conflict involved Earth Rocket forces vs. Allurah Amarradar (Tyrant Queen of North Mars) and Garayha Huldadix Lady-Castellan of South Mars). During one notorious broadcast, Amarradar taunted Earth by being filmed with an object suspected of being the Mons Olympus superweapon activation key; its authenticity remaining a matter of intense speculation even today. Still riding the wave of popular support generated by The Hounds of Love album, Bush was made Commander of Earth Rocket Ship Forces. Prior to formally enlisting she carried out her famous Tour of WarRockets world show; debuting the songs Rocket Man and Rocket’s Tail as a tribute to all the enlisted servicepersons soon to be under her command.

Following her formal enlistment the song Christmas Will Be Magic Again (once we’ve kicked Martian butt!) was released onto the UK charts on the 7th November 1989. This melody is associated with a seemingly inoffensive video of Bush acting very oddly in a wicker chair. While SHAPE HQ put out a cover story that this behaviour resulted from an allergic reaction to excessive caffeine, this video was actually a coded military signal relaying the planned attack on Mars. The location of secret weaponactivation panels within the Earth Rocket pilot's flightseats was demonstrated by Bush racking the wicker chair at strategic locations; combined with her indicating the correct use of anti-laser particulate sprays. Various attack code words were oncealed within the lyrics - most notably Husky; St. Nicholas; Oscar; Mr. Wilde; Bing Crosby; White City; Cover the Much Up; White Christmas and Parachute. The precise meaning of these code words retain a Top secret classification. Admonishments were also added; the two most significant being “Don’t you wake them up!” = keep under their RADAR and “Don’t let the mystery go”! = take them by surprise!. It is also notable that Bush wore her Martian flight suit on this video (disguised as loose-fitting pyjamas but composed of a fabric 20 times tougher than Kevlar). This was dyed a subtle red as camouflage in the instance of any combat on the Martian surface.

The Great Earth-Mars war consisted of three main actions: the Slaughter at the “Happy Void” L5 space service station, Battle of the Red Moons and the Siege of Mons Olympus . Bush lead all three actions in her customised spacefighter, The Big Sky. During the Battle of the Red Moons, Lt. Tori Amos almost lost her life in a vicious dogfight with the elite “Martial Martian Mars Squadron" – Bush saving her by taking out three Martian rocket ships in rapid succession. Amos was later recovered but suffered oxygen starvation; resulting in the incurable delusion that she had been given a new cloned body composed of stem cells taken from Bush. She was promptly invalided out of the Rocket Corps and thereafter assumed a modestlysuccessful career as a Kate Bush impersonator.

The Siege of Mons Olympus resulted in total victory for Earth. It is thought this was aided by a protracted covert guerrilla campaign conducted by the KT band - who had engineered their disappearance 10 years previously due to a tip-off relating to a secret attack by Mars. Sadly, all or most of the band are believed to have perished in the final assault – although this claim may have been a ploy to enable mopping up operations against Martian insurgents. Allurah Amarradar and Garayha Huldadix are also widely believed to have died in the same action – but several conspiracy theory websites claim Amarradar resurfaced as the proprietor of a West London winebar several years later, and that Huldadix also fled to Earth - taking up a succession of high-ranking positions in the UK financial sector upto 2008.

Bush, devastated by various personal losses during the war, released the song “we’re still waiting” to raise money for dependents and surviving veterans and then retreated to Saturn in grief.

[edit] The Red Shoes (1993)

Following the Great Mars-Earth war of 1989, Kate Bush retreated to Saturn to contemplate its rings for artistic inspiration. Throughout this time she was haunted by visions of the powerful Venusian Goddesss CrossLineHeart. Inspired by them, she put together a new concept album named after her last Harrods purchase before her self-imposed exile to the outer solar system. During this time the reporter Undead Kennedy attempted to photograph her while performing a Martian mind-meld with rocket-ship captain (and Blakes Seven member) Del Darrant. This resulted in a powerful hallucination in which Kennedy believed he had been imparted with arcane wisdom from an ancient race of aliens- returning to Earth to establish the "The Kick Backside" sect.

Following this altercation she returned to composing to her album "Red Shoes" (originally called "The Dead Shoes" in memory of the animals utilised to make her iconic "Wellioes" footwear). It is notable for utilising the creativity of various artists from throughout the solar system. Among these was the Neptune-based band "The Quad Burgerchiks", famed for their use of instruments constructed from unstable nuclear isotopes.

Among the songs included on the final CD was "Ruboutband Girl" which tells the story of her rampage through the solar system with a group of female assassins. Bush's famous hallucination of turning into a bowl of fruit is celebrated in another track entitled "Eat the Music Muse". Another song, "Moments of displeasure", recounts all the bad experiences within her life and runs for 24 hours. It also includes the love ballads "And so is love (another frigging letdown!)" and "why should I love you...wait a moment I'll have lots of things to sing about when it all goes pair shaped". The song "You're not the one (again)" continues the Bush theme of rejection celebrated through high-pitched vocals and obscure lyrics. This song was jointly composed with the Prince of Mercury(now known as "The Symbol"); never meeting during the process and communicating only via bursts of tachyon particles and space-time disturbances induced via quantum entanglement.

The two most controversal songs "This isn't a White Witch ritual, honest - it only sounds like one!" and "Love song from the Martian Bible" indicate to many commentators Bush's dabbling in the ancient magical arts of the Witch-Masters of Saturn. The album's title song "The Red Shoes" only appears on the first CD run - Bush having it removed from later copies for reasons of national security. Following the album's release on Earth in 1993 Kate Bush returned to her homeworld and bought a decommissioned nuclear bunker located outside of Berkshire, which she later named "Wuthering Lows". She retains ownership of this structure to the present day - the reason underlying its purchase being the focus of numerous conspiracy theories.

[edit] The (almost) "lost songs" (1982-1996)

Between 1982 and 1996 Bush released a number of singles notable for only being commercially available for ludicrously short periods of time. Those caught attempting to buy or sell them after this time-frame elapsed were liable for a fine of £1m or six months' imprisonment, due to formally contravening the Fraudulent Mediums (and Restricted Kate Bush Songs) Act 1981. In the instance of the particularly coveted "Restricted Release" tracks the penalties for illicit possession were even more extreme. The reasons underlying this madcap marketing policy is probably unknown even to Bush; with those few brave souls attempting to discover the truth being found several weeks later wandering the streets with chronic amnesia. Nonetheless, due to the pioneering investigation work of the late Johni ThreeLuv-Clap, a list of these singles has been complied - albeit at great personal cost.

The first "lost" track (released in 1983) is a song detailing the long-rumoured July 1981 meeting Bush had with the messianic alien-chrononaut P-Tur Ga-br-Al where she formally turned down a proposal of joint galactic domination, entitled Not This Timelord! This was followed in 1984 with a lyrical composition advocating better care for retired beasts of burden, The Vacant Donkeyshed - with Rot-Gut Waltz (evoking the hazards of prohibition era liquor) on the B-side. It's Under the Ivy! (1985) reputedly gives directions to a hoard of Templar treasure deposited by the KT band, which seemingly remains unclaimed to this day. In 1987 Bush released One Final Look Around The Studio I've Been In For Eight Months Before I Frigging Blow It Up!, a short piano solo detailing Kate's artistic frustrations with her protracted approach to composition.

The most valued - and notorious - "lost" track, however, was the infamous "restricted release edition" 1988 song, whose original name remains a source of intense controversy to this day. This song was only available for 10 minutes; after which time anyone caught with a copy were formally rounded up and shot by the authorities. Some claim it was entitled Newt - Tinnitus Puss and describes a cat attempting to dislodge a bird from a cliff, aided by a playfully malevolent passing angel. Another faction reputes this, proposing it was named Taunt-Free Pass, and actually recounts the vision of a far-future inter-European war involving neutron bombs, x-ray lasers and anthromorpic cybertanks. In any event, the original title was later discovered to be spelt incorrectly and the song re-released as Nowt Tount-Free Puss; which - due to prior consumer complaints (and a mountain of adverse un-fanmail from various bereaved parties) - was made available for sale for a much longer period; over an hour in this instance.

This was followed by Warm.... Smoothing (I'm High!), a 1988 song extolling the virtues of sitting around smoking various illicit substances; seemingly one of her "third person perspective" sonnets. I'm Waiting - Still was released in the same year, this melody recounting the sad story of a gay bartender who is badly let down by his callous boyfriend. At the end of 1992 Bush offered up the single Man-Nun H'hallireann: sung in High Betelgeuse, it follows the typical Bush formula of featuring a gender-confused character - in this instance a Bene Geserette nun who dreams of becoming a Greek Orthodox monk, while "Hoard of the Seedy Lake" (about a swan discovering a stash of hidden porn) was used as the B-side track. Her final "lost" song was released in 1996 and is a stark piece of social realism entitled You Want Alchemy? Tough, It Doesn't Work!, written to commemorate the launch of the British Sceptics Association.

It should be noted that a number of spurious songs (which, while being songs, are not actually sung by Bush herself) have foolishly been allotted to the "lost track" canon; most notably Mongolian Swamp Donkey (1996) and the mysterious country and western ballad - Keep That Bloody Sun Out! (date unknown), sold on in a 2008 eBat auction for £1m.

[edit] Ariel (2005)

Bush's most recent album is Ariel and comes in two versions, although both contain equal numbers of oblique references to fucking. The first is based on Disney's notorious pornographic debut The Little Mermaid. Her first album in 27 years, it was released as a 27-disc set to help make up for lost time. One million copies of the album were produced but promptly pulped due to a fatal typographical error, the nature of which remains undisclosed by Bush. An alternative release entitled Aerial 2, Washes Whiter was released six months later.

Ariel is a concept album which celebrates the contribution of the Shakespearean laundry fairy of that name, and includes Bush's ode to washing machines and other cleaning products Mrs Wotserface, and Pie, celebrating Bush's baking skills. Bush describes her unsuccessful attempts to be in several places at once in another melody entitled How I Became Indivisible. The sonnet Cheep Cheep In My Garden At Sunset is a musical tribute to her garden (designated by UNESCO as Earth's official memorial to the 1989 Earth-Mars war), in which various birds and other native wildlife take turns singing duets with Bush. The album's final song Getting Up The Aerial Onto My Roof is the source of intense controversy among Bush's fans: some insist that it was recorded in memory of Emu puppeteer Rod Hull, whilst others believe it to be autobiographical, recounting her secret life as a satellite dish installer. One in every 1000 discs also contain the bonus track Painting Joanne, where Bush represents Joan of Arc as escaping from custody during the 15th century and living as Rolf Harris for the next 600 years.

The most personal track on Ariel is Bert and Ernie. Sung in a madrigal style, it celebrates the world's first ever gay couple, as featured in the popular TV show Sesame Street. It was revealed in 2007 that Bert is Bush's great-great-great-uncle and was responsible for the purchase of her first musical instrument, a pink oboe.

[edit] Present

Kate Bush is reportedly working on her next album, an album of 5 tracks but according to her fan club is "taking longer than anticipated" and will be released in 2045. It is as of now still untitled. By contrast, Duke Nukem Forever, a game based on the life of Kate Bush's grandfather, is scheduled for shipping in late Fall of 2052.

[edit] Miscellaneous

George Bushes

George Bush George W. Bush John McCain George Dubya Bush George H. W. Bush George H. W. W. H. Bush George W.W.W. Bush George W.W.F. Bush George W.T.F. Bush George W.W.J.D. Bush George W.W.2. Bush George W.W.3. Bush George W. Bush II: Champion Edition

Other Bushes

Adolf W. Hitler Barbara Bush Jeb Bush Laura Bush Kate Bush Pubes Burning Bush Reggie Bush Gyfford Bush

Related Links

George W Bush Chronicle

[edit] Running up that hill

Singer/Songerwriter/Musician/Contortionist Kate Bush (born 1958 and again later in 1969) became famous for her musical interpretation of the work of the Bronte Sisters and Jane Austin. In more recent aspects of her career she has created a mime working of the 1957 "classic" "Attack of the Crab Monsters". The latest news is that this has been canceled indefinitely, as it was deemed crustacean defamation, and therefore blasphemous by Lobster Jesus.

Kate Bush is seriously hot. Or she was, anyway, and still is on her album covers.. She was a witch before Fiona Apple and a piano prodigy before Tori Amos. She is the original - the rest are imitators.

[edit] Top 10 Selling Albums

• Northanger Abbey
• Pride and Prejudice
• Oh Shit I Can't Take These Red Shoes Off
• Hay Guise I'm A Furry Lolz, Check Out My Lion suit!
• Ghostbusting with Aborigines
• Suspended In Jaffas (NOM NOM NOM)
• Miming The Attack Of The Crab Monsters (The Album)
• Running Up That Bill (A Deal With Vodafone)
• Get The Fuck Out Of My House!

• Soundtrack to The Lion King
• Soundtrack to The Never Ending Story
• Indi Cred part 1
• Hey Fido did we just do it? Cos if that's sex, I like it.
• The Special Olympics
• Lycra (for the 2007 movie "the spandex encompass").
• The rest

[edit] Baseless Rumours

Contrary to rumour, Kate Bush does not have a daughter named Tori Amos. She is, however, the real father of Kelly Osborne.

Kate did pen a song that led to Emily Brontë writing a classic novel of the same name.

[edit] Kate Bush on writing

Like any self-respecting artist who respects herself, Kate Bush approached song-writing in her own unique way. Over the years scientists eventually cracked the her music writing code using the bible and a compass. The formula is as follows:

[edit] Television Appearances

• Kate made a brief appearance on Final Fantasy IV.
• Kate appeared as Barney the Dinosaur for 7 episodes.
• Kate was crowd member #1376 at the 1996 Super Bowl.
• Kate tried to moon Rotikian leader, Prime Minister Ritchi Konghi on national TV, but an international consensus voted not to be forced to see her "area"

[edit] See Also

• The Queer Red People
• A shrubbery
• Tori Amos
• 10,000 days