Karl Sanders

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Karl Sanders.
250px-Karlsanders

It is said that this sexy beast emerged from this sarcophagus and not that show-off Tut.

Karl (Double-Chinned Albino Scary Blonde Black Sheep) Sanders is an American musician, most widely known as the main guitarist and sometimes Bison-Hearder for Death Metal band Nile and as the "Ron Jeremy of metal". He was born a Buddhist but converted to the Latter Day Terrorists in 1234 just in time for the invention of gunpowder in Britain. He is known for his ability to hit the brown note, a note so low that upon hearing it, all bowels within a fifty foot radius release their contents. It should also be noted that he is a jerk who will not loan anyone 68 cents. The color of his pubic hair is light.

Karl Sanders as a Deity

Nile has always been viewed as a band that is unknown by many. All Death Metal bands worship Sanders as a minor (or sometimes VERY major) deity. Ever Since Sander's sad demise, he can be seen reincarnated in many metal bassists such as Derek Boyer from Suffocation, ICS Vortex from Dimmu Borgir and Gene Simmons from the transvestite band David Bowie.

Karl and his Father

Karl Sanders is the son of Colonel Sanders, founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken. This may partially explain Karl's recent increase in weight, although it looks like he's eating a whole lot fucking more than just chicken.

Now

As a Metalhead, he needs his daily helping of goat's blood. However, due to his double-chin having a mind of its own, he is down to only approximately 13 buckets a day. Many fans and reincarnated copies of himself dispute this unexpected diet as his silly little band is due to release a new album. Nile's new album is called Ichthyphallic, which is Ancient Egyptian for "I'm a fishfucker". A certain non-existant resource says that in a drunken haze Sanders accidentally spent most of the bands budget on the new band website. While he is not performing, Sanders can normally be seen either scratching himself or grabbing the phallus of the guitarist of the band whom he is touring with (see Sam Totman)
DerekBoyerStory

See? Karl Sanders lives again in Derek Boyer!

His Drinking Problem

(Article is self-explanatory) Oh well. Ever since he was sued for impaling three teenagers at a gig with his rather dangerous Custom KXK Guitar he started to drink his own weight in high percentace spirits. His liver-solidifying diet consists mainly of Gin soup and Tequila pie and has lead to him firing many bassists from the band. Statistically, the band goes through around 17 bassists a month.

I do COCAINE!

Karl Sanders is also known to have a nose like a fucking Dyson Vacuum cleaner, snorting up massive amounts of cocaine and crushed pills while on tour.

Faith?

Nile has made songs with both themes of ancient Egypt and H.P. Lovecraft themes. It is believed that Karl Sanders simultaneously sold his soul to both Ra and Cthulu without either of them knowing. Cthulu was the first to find out and promised to slay Ra in an epic battle....just as soon as he gets out of his watery prison. There have also been circling rumors going around that Karl is a closet Muslim due to the Islamic content of his more recent lyrics.

See also

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