From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Kari Byron (born December 18, 1974) is a redhead Nobel Prize winning inventor and television personality, and well known runner up in the "Perfect Woman" contest six years in a row. Furthermore, she has been declared "the woman most nerds masturbate to" in a joint Popular Science / Playboy survey.
Kari Elizabeth Byron was born December 18, 1974. She is the Test Tube conceived offspring of Lucille Ball and Albert Einstein. At age fifteen, her surrogate parents, noted Fertility Researchers "Bernie and Louise Byron" were killed right before Kari's eyes, in a tragic laboratory explosion, leaving Kari orphaned, yet oddly filled with a strange fascination for science, and a mouth full of vomit. Having just graduated High School, she went on to attend and graduate MIT by the age of 17. She won the "Ms. Quantum Flux" beauty contest both years she attended and was voted "Most Likely to be Cloned"
Kari then went on a journey of discovery. Backpacking for a few years throughout Europe and Asia. She studied Art in all the major museums and while in Italy worked for a few months on the Sistine Chapel ceiling restoration and became a stripper. Her recommendations on stroke techniques garnered her a Blessing from Pope John Paul II. She then headed for the Himalayas, where she spent time with a group of Yeti Researchers before moving onto Nepal, where Kari stayed at the Dalai Lama's Palace, there discussing Darwinism and the floundering career of Richard Gere. Kari spent the next year and a half, studying various forms of Martial Arts (she can kill with a single blow). Finally she concluded her trip with a four month stop in Tokyo where she worked as a "Secret Shopper" for a Japanese liquor company.
On returning to the USA, Kari began to explore a variety of jobs, she has been a maid, waitress, taxi driver, pizza delivery girl, show dog groomer, librarian, and Carnival ride operator (she was fired from this job when it was discovered she had less than 5 tattoos)
Kari finally realized while working as a Rodeo Clown that entertaining was her true calling. She then moved on to such jobs as juggler, showgirl, professional wrestler, Sports Radio talk show host, script girl for Mad TV and currently is a member of the MythBusters (see entry for details) and lead singer in the American punk band Paramore. She got the job at Mythbusters when Jamie and Adam hired her to test the female orgasm myth. As she rode the sybian she loudly exclaimed, "The myth is BUSTED!" and took off her shirt, waving it in the air like a flag. Shortly after, American porn provider HardcoreSexTube™ hired her for a time of about 3.5 months, during which she was on 'parental leave.' Ironically, she became pregnant during her porn career, due to her habit of 'cheeking the pill.
edit As the Perfect Woman
Byron has consistently been ranked high in the annual "Perfect Woman" contests, meaning she is really hot. Byron devotees cite several factors, including her shapely body, sense of humor, her skill with pyrotechnics (she has been known to make men's pants explode), endearing personality, above average personal hygiene, and amazing sex appeal (she has been known to make men's pants explode).
It is suspected that the only reason she has continually failed to win the Perfect Woman contest, is due to her Crab fisting pastime. Although Kari does not openly admit it, it's common knowledge she has an obsession with crustaceans and has frequently been seen doing 'research' with the "Deadliest Catch" fishing fleet. In an interview with her manager in 2006, it was revealed that she has been to Seaworld on three separate occasions for as yet unsuccessful aversion therapy.
Byron earned worldwide praise in 2006 by seriously maiming singer R. Kelly after he tried urinating on her head during a MythBusters special devoted to the singer's claims that he could levitate, (however only with a full bladder).
Kari Byron is the 475th most photoshopped woman on the Internet. Most edited pictures place her head on the bodies of naked women, except in Japan where her head is most commonly placed on the bodies of visibly aroused anime animals. Also common is the photoshopping of her head near decapitated bodies. Some of the photos were the subject of a Mythbusters special, which when originally aired boosted Kleenex sales in North-America by 14%.