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“Want to make a bad situation worse? Add a bear, or Kaptainskye!”
“As Marcel Proust once said, he who walks the way of Kaptainskye is not to walk. Or so most believe.”
“The Kapitol? Oh, yes, I was in that fraternity! Speaking of which...”
Kaptainskye is a deity worshipped by the better part of the Czech Republic, as well as a very small part of Serbia. He is represented most commonly by the image of a blue-skinned man with spiky yellow hair, although nothing is known about his actual appearance. This is mainly because simply looking at the intense brilliance of his blue skin causes the same effect as looking into Paula Deen's eyes for too long. A wrathful, vengeful god, he despises all who do not follow him and often forces painful revenge on them, typically in the form of squirrels destroying their spaghetti crops, or octopuses hidden in cars.
Kaptainskye currently resides in his manor, which is located somewhere near Stuttgart, Germany. There, he sits at a stolen work desk all day, pondering what ge might do next to gain territory, steal money, or simply scare the lights out of someone. He can be contacted by phone, but this has little use, as all the caller will hear are very strange and considerably creepy noises that have led some to commit suicide. He currently works as the owner of an Internet security company, aptly named Kaptainskye Security. The antivirus software that the company produces is quite expensive, uses up much memory, and has been known to fail commonly. However, Kaptainskye will commonly use death threats to force customers to buy his products, one of three everyday tasks that he uses death threats to carry effectively. The other two are buying macaroni and cheese from the local Publix and hot-wiring ATMs.
Kaptainskye very rarely speaks, but it is said that if anyone brings him a baseball cap, he will tell them his life's story. This has been accomplished only once, for reasons you can most likely guess. Thankfully, you don't have to do this, as you won't make history for it. Someone else already has. Besides, this article does roughly the same for you.
Kaptainskye has been said to have first appeared to the people of ancient Sumeria, during which he identified himself and gave them a finely ironed button-up shirt that he himself had originally owned (which would lead them to many victories when carried into battle during the war between Mesopotamia and a group known then as Geoff's Gang). After this, he was generally worshipped as a regular god, topping Marduk as the most widely worshipped deity of the year. This broke Marduk's 73-year winning streak, and made him very cross.
With the eventual fall of the Sumerians to the growing empire of the Bedsheet Ghosts, Kaptainskye disappeared for quite some time. However, fortunately for him, a small group of people in Arkansas, one of which would one day be the grandfather of Lee Iacocca, found a number of ancient relics and performed an ancient ritual dance, in which beer was drunk and the music of Thomas Dolby was played. This brought Kaptainskye back to life, as well as causing the extinction of the rare red Kaibab squirrel.
Since then, common worship of Kaptainskye has spread through the world. The name of Kaptainskye has appeared in many credos and torch songs over the years, and a single bas relief of Kaptainskye (as depicted by the younger brother of then-artist Lenny da Vinci) currently hangs on the wall of a Denny's in Sioux City, just past the Wallaby Hall of Fame. Coincidentally, the owner of said Denny's speaks Serbian, a trait which won him three palladium metals at the 1993 Bedslat Olympics.
Over the years, Kaptainskye himself has been a part of quite a few events that have shaped the world. Here are some of the few still known, having been able to survive the burning of the Public Bedslat Library in 1885.
The Audubon SocietyAt a younger age and with a rebellious attitude, Kaptainskye became a major part of what the world now knows as The Audubon Society. This did not last long.
Topeka Billiards Club
Yes, not only did Kaptainskye, at the time he joined the Topeka Billiards Club (sometimes abbreviated T.E.B.O.W.), have a strong liking for billiards, he loved it. After a successful foray into the extreme sport through this club, Kaptainskye went on to play professionally for the Alberta Drysocks. It was a long trip up, but for the fame and glory he received playing for the Drysocks, it was all worth it.
The New Pornographers
Contrary to popular belief, Kaptainskye did have a small stint with Canadian rock band The New Pornographers. During their tour of New Switzerland, lead singer Neko Case was unable to make it due to a case of the robin flu. Fortunately, Kaptainskye was there to take her place. It went poorly. However, the event was one of the very few public sightings of Kaptainskye ever recorded, and many Kapitolites attended the show just to see him there. Many photographs were taken, but they all self-destructed exactly three hours after the end of the show.
The Nazi Party
Kaptainskye, with the help of his good friend and ever-fan Hitler, established the Nazi Party. He was also the driving force behind the Holocaust. However, contrary to popular belief, this was not because of Kaptainskye's anti-semitism, as he despises all mankind equally. Instead, the events that the world would come to know as the Holocaust were Kaptainskye's way of taking his anger out on a fisherman who had tricked him into giving up a large squash he planned to use in a stew recipe he had just discovered. It was also Kaptainskye who chose the party's name, saying in an interview conducted by Tom Brokaw that he got the idea when he saw a dwarf drop his hamburger onto the tracks of a train in Detroit.
The Turkish Government
In the year 2002, Kaptainskye represented the Republicans in the year's election for president of Turkey. Against all odds, he won, beating his rival Coriolanus Snow by exactly 37.129266 votes. During the time he held office, Kaptainskye passed many laws that still shape the nation we call Turkey to this day. As a way of showing how much of a senseless, uncaring monster he could really be, he banned purse dogs, as well as the then-popular role-playing game Hungry Hungry Hipsters. Several people, their names being Barry, Jolene, Barry, and Barry, rebelled. They failed, and were subsequently executed by watermelon-chucking squad. He also passed a law that allowed any given school bus to drive through highways, mowing down as many cars as needed, on its daily rounds.
The Hunger Games
Under the false name Suzanne Collins, Kaptainskye wrote these novels as a way to envision something he might like to do sometime in the near future, when the advance of soda fizz technology might allow it. Unintentionally, they became famous, essentially making Kaptainskye a star!
The Kaptainskye Kapitol
The Kaptainskye Kapitol is the organization of followers that Kaptainskye has developed over the years. Most of them have joined on their own will or after being persuaded by Kaptainskye that the only logical solution to world problems is violence, murder, and the causing of time paradoxes through the use of a TARDIS, although there are a few who have admitted themselves in purely by accident. If you think the Kapitol is just some ignorant, overaffectionate fan following, you're terribly mistaken. This is no boys' pony club. The Kapitol is a shady organization that spreads the dirty work of Kaptainskye throughout the earth.
Admittance into the ranks of the Kapitol is easy, so easy, in fact, that it has been done by accident many times. In days past, the ritual was conducted by speaking Kaptainskye's name three times in a row in front of a mirror in a candlelit bathroom. However, the scarcity of candles nowadays has made this method an unviable way of induction. Now, most inductees gain admittance to the Kapitol by performing a much more arrangeable ritual. All one must do is speak the name of Kaptainskye two times (notice how one less repeat is needed! This saves even more time) with a cucumber nearby, and the ritual is complete.
Upon the admittance of a new member, Kaptainskye himself will descend from the heavens and grab the cucumber, proceeding to ignite it with a Hounouran Whirl. He will then use the white-hot veggie to brand the crest of the Kapitol onto the new applicant's back. He will then brand the cucumber itself with the face of the applicant. After this is complete, he will politely thank the applicant for enduring a bit of excruciating pain in the name of the Kapitol, give the applicant a free motivational poster to hang in his or her room, and re-ascend back into the heavens to continue his daily work.
From that point on, the new Kapitolite is required to carry his cucumber around with him at all times, as a sort of ID card. Carrying a cucumber everywhere you go is not often an enjoyable task, but it pays off at times. The thing can double as a good hair curler or dildo, and if you're ever hungry and in no way near a food source of any sort, Kaptainskye will surely not mind if you nibble upon it occasionally.
Do you think Chernobyl was an accident? Do you honestly think Kurt Cobain really shot himself? Are you serious when you say that World War 1 was caused by some bogus assassination squad called "The Black Hand"? Does your mortal mind still believe that Michael Jackson was killed because of an overdose of some kind of sleeping drug? Well, I've got news for you. None of those things were caused by what most people believe them to have been caused by, and it wasn't the Illuminati either. The Kapitolites did it.
Through the centuries, the Kapitol has done the work of Kaptainskye on Earth, be it killing people, causing disasters or wars, or curtailing the careers of certain stand-up comedians. There are some times when enemies of Kaptainskye simply need to be eliminated and the Big Man himself doesn't have the time for it. Other times, Kapitolites themselves grow to such power that Kaptainskye feels that his power is threatened, so he sends more Kapitolites to deal with them (Exhibit A: Osama bin Laden.) Either way, whatever their directive happens to be, do not go against the Kapitolites. If you do, you'll wake up in one of several very undesirable places the following morning (namely, Heck, or Jay Leno's pants.)
The Kapitol despises the group of pony-loving, cheese-eating political party known as the Bronies for one main reason: their affinity toward friendship. The Kapitol does not believe in such speak, and preaches only the ways of violence and Spanish techno. Aside from this, they positively hate My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Since the beginning of the show's airing on public television, the Kapitol has attempted to oust it from existence through death threats, riots, airwave overrides, and violent protests. They've also been trying to kill Brony cult leader and all-around root-of-the-problem Lauren Faust in a nasty, horrible way, and rumor has it that they've just succeeded! We won't discuss this, since you probably read about it in the paper.
Need we even explain this? Is it not obvious why the Kaptainskye Kapitol hates Skye Electra? This girl has committed so many crimes against Kaptainskye and the Kapitol in her sorry life that she's almost considered deadly. In fact, many Kapitolites carry guns everywhere they go just so when they see Skye, they can shoot her. First of all, she's a complete Kaptainskye impersonator. She looks almost exactly like him! Besides, she's a complete slut. Not to mention her sister, Carmen. If anything, she's even worse.
The School District of Zamm
Kaptainskye himself has, for quite some time, despised this particular district and wished nothing but to see its destruction. It all started when a man in the district made a comment about his look. Why would anyone ever question the look of Kaptainskye? As one might guess, Kaptainskye became very cross. From that day forward, he began a worldwide quest to achieve the look he needed to truly inspire fear through the world.
Kaptainskye visited many hair salons, apparel stores, public swimming pools, and novelty shops in an effort to improve his look to at least being able to cause fear. But it was all in vain. As soon as he stepped out, a man made a particularly snide comment about the way he looked. Others complained that he looked dazed and confused. His look was not right.
Because of his inability to achieve the look he so desires, Kaptainskye will always despise the School District of Zamm. He plans to destroy it by unleashing an army of locusts to devour the flesh of children.
Kaptainskye and Death
Kaptainskye shares a close, workmanlike friendship with Death. It is said that the two went to kindergarten together and have been friends since, although some claim it was Morgan Freeman's work the whole time that brought them together. Anyway, however it happened, Death and Kaptainskye have become good friends and work partners. The main reason for their closeness is that they can relieve each other of their jobs at any time desired.
You see, there are some days when Death would rather sit back and drink a margarita whilst watching his favorite soap opera than go about his usual business of killing people for whom it's time to die. Since Kaptainskye can kill people just as well as Death can, sometimes he can take over when Death needs a day off. For that reason, you'll sometimes see Death at the beach, and he might just kill you then and there, but not as part of his work. He'll do it just for fun. After all, it is a day off. Death can also take Kaptainskye's place, but this happens much less often. Death can't do Kaptainskye's job nearly as well as Kaptainskye can do Death's. Death can't make Hounouran Whirls. All he can do is suck the life force out of people. And that's just no fun.
But work isn't the only reason the two are friends. They also like to do many types of casual activities together, such as horseback riding and attending Trivia Night at the local pizza parlor. They're actually really good pals. Inseparable, really. What more needs saying than that? Oh, yes, this.
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