From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Kali (Sanskrit: काली) is a major Hindu goddess associated with empowerment, death, violence and time. But, still, she is a hottie. However, she is very rude, as she sticks her tongue out at everyone. Kali is married to Shiva. She has killed him many times, but as a supreme god he always resurrects her victims.
The word kali is the feminine form of kala ("black, dark coloured"). From this point of view, it means that Kali has dark skin, even though she is Indian. Thus, many theologists believe that Kali is an African woman, who migrated to Kashmir. On the other hand, in better light, her skin might be blue instead and she might come from Na'vi.
According to an old rig veda, Kali looks like that:
Kali is of terrible countenance, armed with a sword and noose. Bearing the skull-topped khatvanga, decorated with a garland of skulls, clad in a tiger's skin, very appalling owing to her emaciated flesh, with gaping mouth, fearful with her tongue lolling out, having deep reddish eyes, filling the regions of the sky with her roars.
Most of her victims say that Kali is over 6ft tall with light blue skin. Her tongue is always out and her big brown eyes are constantly bulging. She wears a necklace of fifty human skulls, a girdle of human arms and she has four arms.
edit Birth and marriage
According to the myth, Kali was born in a cave of the Himalayas. It is not specified who her parents are, though we know she grew up in a family of snow leopards. Hence, she became very aggressive and tough. She was very beautiful too and god Shiva, the most powerful god of Hinduism, wanted to marry her. But Kali wasn't an easy chick. While Shiva was trying to kiss her, Kali stabbed him with her sword. She laughed loudly and threw his body off a cliff.
Sooner or later, Shiva revived and went back to kiss Kali. The goddess was horrified, but she beheaded him. Shiva resurrected again and Kali killed him once more. Shiva came back to life again and this time, Kali cut him in pieces and threw them in the sea. Finally, Kali succumbed to his pressure and they married after Shiva revived for the fifty-second time.
edit Against the Demons
In Kali's most famous legend, the demon Raktabija calls her "a little girl". Full of anger, Kali wounds him in various ways and with a variety of weapons in an attempt to destroy him. She soon finds that she has worsened the situation for with every drop of blood that is spilt from Raktabija, he reproduces a clone of himself. The battlefield becomes increasingly filled with his duplicates and Kali doesn't know what to do.
She quickly searches a solution in Google with her IPod. To cut a long story short, she finds out that she must suck the blood of her enemies. Thus, she buys hundreds of drinking straws and starts her awful task. Pleased with her victory, Kali then dances on the field of battle, stepping on the corpses of the slain. Her macabre dance of death would later be developed into modern Break dancing.
Kali plays an important role in the study and practice of Tantra, and is as central to discerning the nature of sex as are the male deities. For example, Kali is called the goddess with "the highest sexuality or hottest of all deities". The fact that she is sexy and dangerous at the same time, amplifies the libido for men who like to "live on the edge."
Another old text suggests that women should be painted blue to resemble Kali herself. Also, a newer text encourages women to scream and bathe themselves in blood during sex, as Kali does while in combat (and sex).
edit See also
A nation united by virtually nothing, please
|States: East Bengal • Kashmir • Kerala • Maharashtra • Mizoram • Uttar Pradesh • Tulu Nadu|
|Cities: Bangalore • Chandigarh • Pune|
|Religions: Buddhism • Hinduism • Jainism • Tantra • Zoroastrianism|
|Funny guys: Amitabh Bachchan • Bobby Deol • Barkha Dutt • Mohandas Gandhi • Nathuram Godse • Guru Maharaj Ji • Rudyard Kipling • Daler Mehndi • Narendra Modi • Manmohan Singh • Rabindranath Tagore • Mother Teresa • Zoramthanga|
|A zoo-full of deities: Ganesha • Hanuman • Kali|
|A menagerie of Bhagavad-gita articles: Bhagavad-gita • Bhagavad Gita • à la Rushdie|
|Languages: Engrish • Hindi • Sanskrit • Telugu|
|Other stuffs: BJP • BSNL • Bollywood • Border Gavaskar Trophy • Brahmin • CIPET • Curry • Football • Ganges • Holi • Indian hippies • Indian Institutes of Technology • Iyers • Jat • Kamasutra • Mango • Ramayana • Rock • Rupees • Taj Mahal • The Times • Turban • Urumi • VJTI|