Kaaba

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 12:53, November 17, 2013 by SPIKE (talk | contribs)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
Kaaba-dice
Muslims push and attempt to roll a six without any success. Contrary to Einstein, God does play dice with the Universe

The Kaaba also known as Beit HaKnesset HaRachok BeYotair (Hebrew: הבית כנסת הרחוק ביותר, The farthest Synagogue) or HaBayit Hakadosh HaSlishei (Hebrew: הבית הקדוש השלישי, The 3rd Sacred Synagogue), is the holiest shrine in the kabbalah sect of Judaism. It is an abbreviated form of the word Kaaba-allah, meaning Oh my God, (Kabba meaning "Oh my"). It is to commemorate when Madonna flew on her magic vibrator from Michigan across the pond to London in order to get gang banged by guy richie, a midget, prince Charles, and Britney Spears. (Oh my!) The dried midget jism and some grease from a BLT Britney was eating became the original bricks and mortar.

Originally the site was not declared holy, and was actually considered pretty gross, but it soon began attracting Madonna's gay fans who added their own fluids to it (Oh my!). And thus the Kaaba became a magical living tribute to kabbalah.

Physical attributes and location of the Kaaba

Kaaba
Pilgrims waiting for a ride on the Kaaba

The Kaaba is a large structure made from blocks dried jism sealed with bacon fat as mortar. Because of its structural instability, it is wrapped in red yarn to hold it all together.

Its black appearance is mostly attributed to mildew.

To the naked eye, the Kaaba appears to be cube shaped, but in fact, part of it is made of anti-matter and can only be viewed through beer goggles, it resembles a carousel. Its rough dimensions are 22 feet in diameter by by 6 meters tall. Although the jism bricks swell and change shape depending on relative humidity so an exact measurement cannot be attained.

On the southwestern corner of the Kaaba, the petrified vagina (Oh my!) of Madonna is located. It it encased in silver to protect it from becoming impregnated by the dried jism. Pilgrims lick the vagina to bring good luck, but most often they just get cold sores.

Supplicating Pilgrim at Masjid Al Haram. Mecca, Saudi Arabia
A Muslim praying to Allah to help him loose his virginity.

Because of the anti-matter properties of the kaaba, it has no fixed location. Instead it appears in random places at random times. One of its most notable appearances was in Mecca in 2000. The city of Mecca sought to increase tourism revenues so they began a ritual of getting drunk and masturbating to goats (Oh my!), camels, and other animals, using bacon grease as lube, as an attempt to attract the Kaaba. Their efforts eventually paid off when the Kaaba appeared in the centre of Mecca on May 14th, 2000. The Kaaba subsequently left on November 28th, 2000, and the Arabs have been pissed off ever since. The kaaba has also appeared in Graceland, London, the North Pole, Uranus, and New Jersey, among others.

The current location of the Kaaba is in Moncton, New Brunswick, Canada.

Kaaba-basketball
Attendance in the Hajj from young Muslims has increased since this alteration of the Kaaba's west wall

The cleaning of the Kaaba

Tradition states that the Kaaba must never be cleaned. It contains trace amounts of several substances, such as pig feces (Oh my!), teeth, heroin, and cone bras. It is believed that upsetting this balance could make the Kaaba disappear forever.

See also

Personal tools
In other languages
projects