Justin Timberlake (attorney)
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Justin Wallace Timberlake III (July 11, 1897 – June 26, 2003) was one of the nation's most notorious attorneys. Not to be confused with the former *NSYNC singer, Timberlake served in some of the most famous cases in U.S. history, including but not limited to Brown v. Board of Education, Roe v. Wade, Kramer v. Kramer, Kramer vs. Predator, People v. Kramer, People v. Larry Flint, Kramer v. Godzilla, Godzilla v. Rodan, Freddy v. Jason, The OJ Simpson Trial, The Homer Simpson Trial, the Jessica Simpson Trial, and the Ashlee Simpson Trial. A right-wing Republican all his life, Timberlake was known to be a conceited, racist pig, who would go up to the roof of his house and fire two blasts from a cannon whenever his client won a case.
edit Early years
Justin Timberlake's parents, Alabama residents Alistair and Martha Timberlake, were British immigrants, former slave owners and white supremacists throughout the 1860s before the American Civil War. Alistair became bipolar when President Abraham Lincoln had freed the slaves in 1863 with his Emancipation Proclamation, and was institutionalized in 1901, when Justin was only 4 years old.
Alistair lived in seclusion for the rest of his life. Nobody is exactly sure when or how she died, but she was about 69 when he was committed. Justin Timberlake never lived a normal life: Her mother was a bigot. Her stepfather, Justin Wallace Timberlake, Jr., was a racist Satanist who was half Martha's age. Young Justin III was a student of Aleister Crowley by the age of 9.
Martha and Justin, Jr. divorced in 1912, citing irreconcilable religious differences. Justin, Jr.'s whereabouts since are unknown. But I'm sure he's dead... or else he's really, really old. Martha Timberlake died of old age in 1964.
edit Political history
Justin Timberlake attempted to run for President in 1940, but lost to that old guy Franklin D. Roosevelt. It was Roosevelt's third and final term, because he died of a stroke during sex. Timberlake ran again in 1944, but lost to another old geezer, Harry Truman. Timberlake ran for the third and final time in 1948, positive that "three time's the charm." Unfortunately, he lost again -- this time to Dwight D. Eisenhower.
Timberlake had given up on running for president and had decided instead to run for Governor of Mississippi, where he was living at the time. Timberlake had previously worked at a hot dog stand that would later become the first McDonald's. He won the 1952 election by a landslide, with 75% of the vote compared to This Guy's 25%. He served only two terms, as he resigned due to a sex scandal and tax evasion charges.
edit 1950s Communist Trials
The 1950s Communist Trials, which predate similar trials by Joseph McCarthy, sparked criticism and earned Timberlake such nicknames as "The King of Torts," "Bull," "Bulldog," "Shark," "Big Brother," and "Bob Saget." The first to be accused of Communism were popular television stars William Frawley and Vivian Vance, who played the lovable wacky neighbors, Julius and Ethel Mertz, on I Love Lucy. This 1952 incident nearly got the classic show canceled, but Lucille Ball put her foot down. She said, "I will not let some right-wing Communist bastard sabotage our show," while Desi Arnaz belted out "Babaloo" for the eight hundredth time.
Ironically, Timberlake himself was exposed as a Communist in 1957 by Sen. McCarthy, whom Timberlake had previously accused of being a Communist. Timberlake killed McCarthy in 1955 by running him over with a DeLorean time machine that he got from some guy in Hill Valley in 1985.
edit O.J. Simpson Trial
While Johnnie Cochran defended O.J. Simpson, Simpson originally turned to Justin "Bull" Timberlake, but Timberlake was reluctant to defend a black man. "He was like another Archie Bunker," OJ said at the time. "He was very rude to me, and used racial epithets in my presence, and behind my back."
Timberlake, however, did defend Kato and served as judge during this historic trial, billed as the trial of the century. The jury had threatened to dismiss Timberlake if he didn't give The Juice a fair trial. However, Justin had drank the entire 2-liter bottle of orange juice, and the case was dismissed until it was revealed that OJ Simpson's nickname is "The Juice."
When the case was reopened, "the King of Torts" decided to let Timberlake off the hook, on the condition that he "wear two pairs of gloves next time." This was a very controversial case, because everybody knows that OJ did it. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar! A liar I tell you!
After the OJ Simpson trial, Justin Wallace Timberlake III retired from law, though he did return for an occasional case or two that interested him. Doctors ordered him to step down when his health deteriorated in 1993, but he refused, reasoning, "I can't retire yet! I'm planning on doing another case and then going on tour with my grunge band In Sink."
Justin Timberlake was battling colon cancer in the summer of 2003. He suffered a stroke on June 25, 2003, and then died of a heart attack the next day, after finding out that there was a singer with the same name as him that sounded "awful" in his opinion. He was 105. He had been in poor health for the last ten years of his life. Few people actually attended his funeral, but the ones who did were black protestors and Commies, who criticized Timberlake's bigotry.
Timberlake's death flooded CNN and Fox News. Talk show hosts and political commentators had a field day with "Bull" Timberlake jokes. Jay Leno even joked, "Justin Timberlake, the lawyer, has died at the ripe old age of 105. I saw this photo of him before plastic surgery, and you know, he looked an awful lot like me. I think I should play him in a TV movie or something."
In February 2007, Timberlake's namesake, singer Justin Timberlake, denied rumors that he is related to the controversial lawyer. He also denied rumors of an *NSYNC reunion. Unfortunately, the mainstream news publications never picked up on the story, so you never got to hear it.
Justin Wallace Timberlake III is survived by a son, two grandsons, four great-grandsons, and a daughter. They have since gone into hiding, reportedly living with J.D. Salinger or Syd Barrett or Elvis.
- episode, "And the Children Shall Lead"... as Gorgon
- as Bull
- Episode, In Sink... as himself/In Sink
- episode, March 4, 1995... as himself/In Sink
- Zodiac (2007)... as himself (archive footage)
edit See also
|This article is an increasingly hilarious attempt at Conservative humor.|
|Defend the sanctity of humor by passing a Constitutional Amendment that Bi-Partisanly Outlaws Whining.|