Justin Lee Collins
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“There is only one thing in the world worse than being a dog turd, and that is being Justin Lee Collins. ”
“I buoy awl arf muoy t-shurts from Topsharp. You loike? Good Toimes.”
Justin Lee Collins, otherwise known as Justin Lee Cuntface is an English comedian, television presenter and radio presenter who was born in Bristol his mums his dad and his dads his brother, and is often known as 'KFC'. His distinctive West Country accent and "caveman" image are amongst his trademarks. He is the child of Justin Long and Phil Collins, the latter's semen was used to create the child inside surrogate mother Jamie Lee Curtis. KFC has never been formally introduced to any of them.
edit Early life
In 1990 KFC left school aged 15 with no qualifications (or sense) and started working at British Sewage. This is where he met Alan Carr, who was an aspiring turd at the time. He didn't like girls, and he had a medium sense of humour. His favourite joke was: why did the chicken cross the road, to get to the other side. He was a complete idiot.
edit Stand-up comedy
He's not funny. Not even the addition of red streaks in a semi-ironic, late 90's college student that wears flares with a triangle sewn into them, Kelly Osbourne kind of way makes anyone want to laugh at him. It is rumoured that next, he is to try dying his hair white, lying in wait for the eventual death of Roy Wood from Wizzard. He has heard that people 'chuckled at them a bit' in the 70's.
He was kicked off the radio after XFM decided he wasn't alternative enough for them. He only presented one show for 2 minutes and 39 seconds. Urban legend has it that Zane Lowe, king of the 'alternative wankers' scene, burst into the studio and demanded to know why he wasn't on air at that particular moment. KFC started to cry and got Richard Bacon to beat him up. The inevitable happened, and the latter two became friends, leaving KFC friendless and two steps short of joining Virgin Radio. No-one knows what happened, because a) no-one can decipher what Zane Lowe is actually saying. Ever. b) People walking by thought it was the window of a dirty kebab shop.
edit Television work
KFC is the current presenter of The Friday Night Project alongside Alan 'For Today, I am a Turd!' Carr for Channel 4. He has also hosted a clutch of Bring Back... shows in which he aims to reunite groups, normally who are associated with TV or music who then try to run away from him. Usually, this results in the viewers mocking KFC, because he is unaware that no-one thinks that he is ironic or quirky. At all. In fact they're tired of him drawling on in his West Country accent about how "great" 80s TV was like the last student in the union bar. They probably want to throw bricks at the telly, too.
edit TV Credits
Strictly Cum Dancing (2004)
The Frankly Shite Project (2005) Original, and more honestly-named, pilot for the show below.
The Friday Night Project (2006-armageddon)
Bring Back... The British Empire (2006)
Bring Back... Oswald Mosley (2006)
Bring Back... Crusty Bands On The Word (2007)
edit Personal life
His wife Derek, gave birth to their first child, a dog called Dooby. Or at least everyone thought it was a dog. Everyone remarked upon how much hair 'it' had. 'It' was thought to have taken after 'its' father. Later, they discovered its father was Dougal from The Magic Roundabout. KFC doesn't know about this.
His catchphrases include "Good Toimes!" (and occasionally "Bad Toimes!").He is known to be a big fan of caves and can often be seen wearing T-shirts depicting his favourite caves. He offers high fives to small children. Allegedly.He once was quoted as saying "Diana is dead? Good that bitch was hogging the limelight." He has a pink daisy which he strokes every night and sings to the moon. It is an urban myth that he was in fact, engaged to buck-toothed arse tickler Alan Carr. This however, has not be proved yet.
Justin Lee Collins is noted for in fact actually being Tommy Wisea's Clone who was banished away from wherever Tommy Wisea really is from. Think about it, they both have long hair, and they both have odd accents. The only noticeable difference is that Tommy Wisea wouldn't tap that.
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