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Sophia Loren as Justa Grata Honoria: The Kim Kardashian of her era.

“Every woman needs a Hun in her life”
~ Justa Grata Honoria
“I tried to be good but Rome wasn't built on love but lust”
~ Justa Grata Honoria

Think Justa Grata Honoria. Think bosoms. And hips, and the biggest arse in the Roman Empire. Kim Kardashian? No. Sophia Loren. And moreover, add in a big dollop of hairy Hun called Attila and I have summarised all you may need to know about this Roman princess.

The reason I mention Sophia Loren is that she played Justa Grata Honoria (or simply 'Honoria') in an Italian film titled Attila: Scourge of God back in the 1950s. Some may go for Anthony Quinn's version of 'Zorba the Hun' (a performance to go along with Zorba the Arab in Lawrence of Arabia) but all eyes will look at Sophia Loren as the love hungry Honoria. More curves than the Grand Prix track at Monaco, Sophia/Honoria is the type of woman a man like Attila would cross Europe for..and did.

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Justa Grata Honoria.

Origins

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Mother and daughter.

The real Justa Grata Honoria was the eldest child of emperor Constantius III and Galla Placidia. She had a younger brother Valentinian who would later become an emperor. She herself was granted the title of 'Augusta' which made her an empress as well but without the benefit of a husband to go with it. It was that frustration that would eventually lead to Honoria offering herself to Attila and a wedding present the size of Western Europe. It would have made an interesting wedding, imagine a church full of Huns in full fur and animal skins! Talk about mixing the rough with the smooth...but alas that didn't happen. Plenty of scandals did though!

Frustrations

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Saturday evening fun at the palace.

Honoria grew up in the Roman cities of Ravenna and Rome. The Roman empire at this time was split into two. The Western half was ruled nominally ruled by her brother - though in effect Honoria's mother and the Roman general Aetius controlled it. The Eastern half was under the control of her prim cousins emperor Theodosius II and sister Pulcheria. What was missing for Honoria was a suitable marital match, not that she seems to have been keen to have married anyone that was put forward.

Naturally, Honoria looked elsewhere for comfort and flattery. An unlucky court chamberlain called Eugenius (one of the few on the staff who were not officially castrated and re-employed as eunuchs) returned her interest but they were caught naked together in the steam room. Eugenius offered up his bollocks in a hope of a 'second chance' as a eunuch but he had defiled 'the imperial sacred goods' and was executed. Honoria got off by being banished to Constantinople where her cousins confined her to a nunnery for a severe re-education.

Return to Italy

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Justa Grata Honoria got her own money to play with.

How long Honoria was forced to stay there isn't clear but perhaps she put on enough of a performance to convince Theodosius and Pulcheria she was a reformed character. She was allowed to go back home and resume her status as a Roman lady but one that had been thoroughly sullied.

Her mother Galla had been meanwhile looking to see who she could marry Honoria to. Eventually she chose an ancient, rancid senatorial bachelor called Bassus Herculanus. Honoria refused the suggestion and was banished to the coldest wing of the imperial palace.

You want to marry a Hun??

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'Huns are the Horse Cocks of the 5th century!'

How and why Honoria got the idea to marry Attila the Hun isn't recorded. It isn't likely she would have seen him beforehand but perhaps she fell in love the exotic danger of it all. Somehow she got to know where Attila was hanging out and sent a messenger with a scroll and one of her rings to ask if the Hun minded to come to Italy and rescue her from a marriage-worse-than-death. Attila wrote back and said 'Ta!' and set off with his horde to Italy. Rather shamelessly, Attila also sent a letter to Valentinian informing the emperor of the offer made by his sister and that he was coming over to collect his share.

Honoria was summoned to a meeting with her brother, mother, Aetius and other officials. The emperor wanted to have her 'dead! dead!! dead!!! - and was only stopped from stabbing her by Aetius. Honoria for her part gave back as good as she received, blaming her family for making life difficult and why she wanted to make out with a barbarian. After arguing, Honoria was given the choices of permanent imprisonment, death or marriage to Bassus. Honoria may have been brave but she wasn't an idiot and reluctantly married Bassus and retreated to one of his estates outside Rome. Valentinian gave strict instructions that if Honoria was to come back again, she would be executed as a traitor.

Aftermath

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'Now you have seen my tits Honoria, let me see yours'. (Joke censored by the Evil Empire Nipple Police.)

Attila the Hun reached as far as Rome but got spooked by Pope Leo predicting the wild man would die if he set foot in Rome. Attila retreated and died shortly after an almighty bender 'with the lads'. If Honoria had sent any secret messages to her wanna be Hun lover, none got through. She was stuck in her crap marriage to Bassus.

Regretfully, like a novel where someone has torn out the last pages, we don't know what happened next to Honoria. Her mother died not long after Honoria's second banishment and Aetius was killed by Valentinian who in turn was killed by assassins in the pay of Petronius Maximus. It's suggested that Honoria was already dead by 455 when the Vandals hit Rome on the basis that she wasn't one of the classy hostages shipped off to Carthage. Perhaps she managed to slip out of Italy and went looking for Attila. If so, what happened next is not recorded.

Honoria in films

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Attila was resting his loins until Honoria popped by.

Sophia Loren's cantilevered performance as Honoria remains the best on screen. In the film at least she gets to have 'Hun Fun' but dies on a battlefield. In a television mini series she was played by Kirsty Mitchell. Here Honoria gets to know Attila as he once worked in the Roman army as one of their barbarian allies. A visit to Rome was a reward for victories and this how Attila met Honoria for a sweaty session in the pool. Gerard 'Shouty' Butler was Attila in this production. Co-incidently both he and Kirsty Mitchell are Scottish so there love scenes in the tv series had to be subtitled for American audiences.