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“Grant! Touch the fence for a free life!”
“I really hate that man.”
Jurassic Park is a theme park in the Mediterranean, off the coast of Italy, on the island that is best known as Sicily™. The island and its industry is owned by Google, having bought the rights from Sarah Whatmore in 1985. The general idea is to create ancient animals, known as dinosaurs (or Cloneasauruses) using text extracts from The Da Vinci Code.
First established by Ernest Stravo Blofeld in 1969, he began work to create a chain of dinosaur petting zoos. He was however, interrupted by James Bond. Later, 007's illegitimate son with Robert Plant, John Hammond continued his work. The first park was opened in 1988. However, due to the park forgeting to pay its electric bills, it lost all power. The park was then raped by hungry dinosaurs now hungry for man flesh after living off bulls on cranes for three years.I dont blame them, who wants to eat a big ass mother fucking bull? and as for the great big huge ass mother fucking son of a bitch child raping award winning ass kicking cgi trex, what is he given to satisfy his insattiable hunger (for food)? some scrawny ass hill billys goat? and what is even more upsetting is that unfortunately the trex, in spite of being starved, accidentally didnt manage to eat the goats leg and threw it at the annoying kids when the extra annoying one without a hat askd where the goat is. now they want human flesh! Aaaaaaagggggghhhhhh! WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE HOLY SARDINE WILL WE DO!!! CGI DINOSAURS! THATS LIKE, ATLEAST TWICE AS SCARY AS SNAKES! IM GETTING OUTTA HERE. see ya, mother fucking pussy faced ass wipes who are gay. The remaining survivors escaped the island on a body-copter before it was ultimately destroyed by Operation Shock and Awe. The park did try to reopen in the year 2007, but the dinosaurs in the dinosaur petting zoos kept on biting kids' hands, so it was sued out of existence. This film was directed by Steven Semenberg.
However, as a means of disposing of bisexual dinosaurs, Hammond created a second island as a dump for these animals. This was later visited by many a capitalist in search of creating their own dino-theme park. However most of them died at the hands of the zombie-raptors.
Fatalities of Jurassic Park
The raptor kitchen scene, along with the main T-Rex scene, have both been widely known as "yellow pants" moments, causing people of all ages to spontaneously lose control of their bladders during their viewings. People have also died watching this, due to intense terror, and later on after the movies in nightmares. Raptor Mares are widely known, experienced, but never popular for obvious reasons. The girl who plays Lex also haunts many people's dreams.
Part 1 Of Your Trip At Jurassic Park
You've probably arrived and found out that the mathematician you had come with is a complete jack-ass. Don't worry about it though, he dies in the book. Get in the cheap-ass Jeeps and start driving to an open pasture. Ignore the fact that you didn't ask the old guy that invited you to Jurassic Park what was actually THERE. Idiot. Yeah, so you're at the open pasture, right? That's a big fucking dinosaur, eh? Get that pot out. Throw up in it. This is your dream. You've wanted to see dinosaurs your entire life and here it is in front of you. Jumping around, eating crap off of trees. That's not all: turn on panorama view and look around: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, there's even more dinosaurs! "They're moving in herds... They DO move in herds, now suck ma dick" you'll say.
After about two movies or so of this same old shit, go to the Jurassic Park Visitors Center. Here you'll find two kids, if you had like, I dunno, forgotten to bring some like you were told to. Sit down and watch the movie where the old guy interacts with himself. If you look closely you can see he actually gets turned on after pricking his clone with a little pin. Ha ha, I said prick.
If you've made it this far into the synopsis of this trip, God bless you. You'll need it for the next part.
Little Known Facts
- In the kitchen scene, the moment the first raptor opens the door with its head for the first time, it utters the magic 'C' word. (No, really.)
- The book is actually pretty darn good, too. Some Chinese scientist guy totally gets killed. Or was he Japanese? Korean? Mongolian? Fuck it, moving on. The Grandpa also dies but it's okay, in the book he's a complete jerk. Like, seriously, a complete jackass shit bag who nobody cares about.
- Despite the fact that it was made in 1993, its CGI has the magic ability to still beat the hell out of all new movies.
- When the idea of putting cavemen into the movie came up, Spielberg rejected it, saying "That's retarded." Then he put aliens in an Indiana Jones movie.
- Jurassic Park is actually a Nazi Propaganda Film.
- In the scene where the T-Rex attacks the kids in the car Dr. Grant had a pistol but did not have the heart to kill it. Plus, it was kinda funny how the kids kept farting while they were screaming.
- When Nedry leaves to steal the dinosaur DNA a deleted scene shows he actually stopped by the vending machines afterwards so he would not have to live with a lie. Or without Snickers.
- When Nedry wrecks his Jeep into the sign to the docks was said by some fans as an act of God.
- Some fans believe the raptor trapped in the freezer is presumed dead. Or really, really cold.
- Spielberg said that the T-Rex roar at the visitor center at the end of the film translates into, "I'm king of the dinosaurs, bitches!"
- So basically, the Grandpa sends his two kids out into the wilds with two scientists he barely knows, a guy in leather and a cowardly lawyer. And then things go to hell.
- That scene where the hot chick discovers Samuel L. Jackson's arm? Samuel L. Jackson actually removed his own arm for the shot, then had it sewn back on. This is because Jackson is completely awesome.
- Several apes were harmed during the making of the film. Mostly because they were damn dirty.
- Spielberg considered Chuck Norris for the role of Dr. Grant but gave up the idea fearing he'd be more intimidating than the T-Rex.
- Samuel L. Jackson's line,"Hold on to your butts.", was originally,"Hold on to your motherfucking butts before I pull the switch bitches!", but Spielberg changed the line fearing it would not catch on for an iconic catch phrase.
- Rumor has it there is a deleted science of Dr. Grant killing the archaeological software programmer with his raptor claw for taking the fun out digging. Also there is said to be an extended version of Dr. Grant destroying the computer with a rock after killing the programer.
- The character Dodgson's name was originally 'Hott Doggs', but actor Wayne Knight though it was too unrealistic for him to yell: "Hott Doggs! We've got Hott Doggs here!"
- When asked the question of how the huge bad ass Tyrannosaurus rex managed to enter the building at the end Spielberg replied: "There was a door". Great! I never noticed that! I must be dumber than Jerry Sienfield!
- ARCHAEOLOGISTS DO NOT DIG THE FUCKING DINOSAURS UP.
- The scene where Nedry puts the shaving cream on the pie was suggested by Wayne Knight.
- The piece of pie with shaving cream on it was given to Spielberg as a joke by Sam Neil, but the joke backfired when Spielberg declined because the pie wasn't Kosher leaving Neil confused.
- The reason why Nedry was laughing hysterically at the what the shaving cream canister concealed was due to Knight smoking a joint just before the scene.
- The can of Barbasol Original used to chill the DNA was chosen by Spielberg because he felt Barbasol Beard Buster would be too suspicious looking.
- The scene where John Hammond screams into the phone after hearing gunshots was actually Richard Attenborough receiving news that he wasn't getting paid.
- Dennis Nedry was actually friends with the Dilophosaurus until he wasn't going to share the money that he would get for the embryos so the dinosaur mugged him of his money and took the embryos to the dock so he would get all the money. He is now the richest man,(or dinosaur) in Costa Rica.
- Spielberg wanted to have a scene where the Costa Rican Air Force launch an offensive on the park, but scrapped the idea due to fear of animal rights groups boycotting the film. On a further note the fact is the Costa Rican Air Force was simply fictional.
Part 2 Of Your Trip At Jurassic Park
You've discovered that the old guy "forgot" to mention where your sleeping quarters are. Don't worry about this, since the machines only take dollar bills. Shitty jokes aside, go on the tour you're offered. Don't buckle your seat belt when you get in the Land Rover. You'll thank me later.
A voice over the car speaker system will say "Don't press the fucking buttons". Listen to him. Continue sitting down and don't worry about the big gate: it will open all by itself. After King Kong has been seemingly held at bay, you will be in the zoo portion of the park. Check it out... see that? The Dilophosaurus is missing. He's eating a fat guy who pressed a fucking button. That's why you don't press the buttons.
Stick your hand in a pile of dinosaur shit and get back in the car.
If it's raining, you're screwed. If it's not raining, skip to the last section of this article. That's YOUR reward for not pressing a goddamn button. Watch as the goat gets eaten. Isn't it lovely? That's a rare steak. If you make it back alive you can have something JUST LIKE IT, only Jello. Also, be advised that the bathroom is off-limits when the T-Rex escapes. Not because he'll eat you but it's very rude to get up and leave during somebody's performance, as is screaming "Ian: FREEZE!". This will get you eaten and taken out of the sequel, unless this is the book. If it's the book then Stephen or J.K. or WHOEVER THE FUCK WROTE IT will bring you back to life. It's magic! Like that stupid magician at your 5th birthday, only not as cheesy! However if you happen to find yourself saving some stupid kids because the girl shines a flashlight at the T Rex begging to be eaten, remember to not move a muscle, because the theme park's T. Rex is a mutant frog that can only see movement.
SO! Make sure you avoid the cliff that comes out of nowhere, or it'll swallow you whole. Just like that stupid lawyer. That's why you don't go off to take a shit when someone's performing. Watch as your car gets pushed off the Cliff. Now, go and rescue the stupid kid, because GOD FORBID you leave behind the stupid kid when he doesn't do anything except annoy you. Climb up a tree and get sneezed on by a fucking dinosaur. THAT's why you don't just sit there like an asshole while it stares at you. I told you to bring a fucking gun, so USE IT, GODDAMNIT!
Begin walking back to the base. Remember to run from more of the fucking dinosaurs, But not before standing in front of the stampede to see how much they resemble flightless shit hawks. Note how that stupid kid you rescued comments on the blood. You see that? It's blood. Not ketchup. Remember that. Run away from the Rex. Right across an open field. Ignore the fact that you are obviously visible, because this is a fucking MOVIE! Fuck the laws of physics and all that shit, because in this world there are time-traveling cars! Like I said, it's MAGIC!
Another thing, if you get into a helicopter or a plane, watch out for the pterodactyls, those pesky, fucks, are always trying to get at ya for your food. One chip and they'll be swarming, they're the seagulls of the park. They're are dinosaurs everywhere and stuff, and most of all don't go for a dip in the sea, one toe and your dead, there's plesiosaurs, ichthyosaurs and mosasaurs in thems waters, so you best beware. The movies suck balls because they take so long to show the pterodactyls and they have no goddamn aquatic reptiles like Plesiosaurus! FUCKERS
The End Bit
So while you're out being chased by the dinosaurs, everybody else is back at base sitting around and bullshitting. One of them goes off to fix the damn computers, but lo and behold! A raptor eats him!
So after that, the British hunter I told you to bring goes to fix the power. Now we see just how important is was to bring the guy, because while she's fixing the power, he's saying "Clever girl", and being eaten! Or at least you THINK he's being eaten. THAT's right, thanks to magic, he'll be revived in the comic! Whoopity fuckin' do!
So now you get back with those stupid kids, and you leave them alone. Bring the Queen Latifah, because now you have to run after the kids, because the little shits have met the fuckin' raptors!
AHA! Because you brought along those fuckin' kids, one of them has shown the ability to actually prove useful and trap one of the raptors! Throw Queen Latifah in the freezer with it, and wait. One of 2 things will happen. One, the raptor will eat her. Chance 2: They will breed and produce a new species of raptor/human hybrids! Just like those cars they make overseas, they will be vastly superior to domestic humans!
So, now that total hell's broken loose, it's time to haul your ass outta Dodge! Go to the computer room and get high on that weed. Why? Because at this point, your influence is moot. Watch as that nerd girl fixes the computers. Tell that old guy to send the damn choppers. Make sure he sends for helicopters, and not bikes. If you don't get that, you will die.
Run away from more raptors, and then stand uselessly in the lobby. Throw in the Joker, and he'll have a smiling contest with the raptors (it'll spare u some time.) Then, LOOKOUT! It's the Huge Fuckin' T. Rex That Comes From Nowhere At All Whatsoever To Save Your Pitiful Ass!
So, now you've survived your trip to Jurassic Park. You know, they should have made it more like the book. As it is, you've got a fucking credit sequence to go through, so pull out your Gameboy. Aren't you glad I told you to bring it?