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June 5: Vampire Appreciation Day
- 1452 - At the age of 21, Vlad III the Impaler (also known as Dracula), conquered all of Europe, half of Asia, and parts of Africa in less than 4 hours. He then received the Nobel Peace Prize for this in 1452 and in every other year until his death in 1476 out of the UN's fear of being impaled.
- 1548 - An army of zombie Beavers invade's planet earth, in a short time they conquer every piece of our planet. Two years of beaver domination later the beavers leave to begin a new life on the moon.
- 1632 - Dracula becomes "The Tyrant Formerly Known as Vlad the Impaler".
- 1783 - The Hot Air Balloon, powered by Oscar Wilde, successfully tested.
- 1851 - The band Warrant releases anti-slavery song "Uncle Tom's Cabin".
- 1878 - Professor Van Helsing declares that vampirism might be prevented by eating huge amounts of shit. Shit prices raise to values never seen before.
- 1878 - Huge pandemic of tiphoid disease develops in Europe after millions of people followed the advices of Professor Van Helsing. Shit prices drop to the lowest values ever seen. The phrase "ain't worth shit" is coined.
- 1879 - Politics are invented. Price of shit skyrockets once again.
- 1943 - The Second Great War is being fought in Europe and it comes to the allied forces attention that Adolf Hitler had made a deal with David Bowie and Count Dracula to help him in his war effort. Later it was discovered that this deal was for his soul, now he is rotting in hell for his sins with David Bowie drinking his Bone Marrow.
- 1955 - Percy, the promiscuous cat, begins his debut in West End Theatre and remains startled at the volume of the live orchestra throughout the 3 acts.
- 1956 - Walt Disney dies after being stabbed in the heart with a stake in the heart in a hilarious incident where he was mistaken for a vampire. Later that day his body was frozen and his head, incinerated, in another series of funny mishaps.
- 1973 - Henry Kissinger mistakenly orders the CIA to overthrow the government of Chile. The original idea was to overthrown China's government. Later that day, Kissinger declared "Oops" to the media.
- 1988 - Steve Urkel becomes the third president of Zimbabwe only to be overthrown by every person in Africa.
- 1989 - With the fall of the Berlin Wall the people of Germany rejoice only to later be killed by the future president of the United States Arnold Presidentator, when he began filming his final film, Plan 9 from Mr. President.
- 1992 - The start of the "Nukes Means Goals" campaign, when the Southport FC manager stored nuclear weapons in his team's changing room and threatened to detonate if they lost.
- 2001 - God sues Google over Google Earth because it is breaching copyrights. Google lose $3 million and change Google Earth to Google Moon. The lawsuit against Google Moon has not been resolved yet.
- 2003 - Postman Pat was caught breaking into a Soho Sex Shop.
- 2007 - McDonalds start one-day special offer, giving away a free Emo member of staff with every Big Mac meal. Vampires come in their millions. MacDonalds make the offer perminent and also stretch to give away Chavs. Vampires everywhere cringe.
- 2009 - Twilight movie is released, millions of vampires commit suicide
- 2030 - A time machine is invented and sent back in time to destroy the Twilight movie. It all goes horribly wrong and instead the X-Men Trilogy is destroyed, millions of mutants commit suicide.
- 2031 - You wake up. The Vampires were all just a bad dream.