Julius Malema

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Julius Malema

Julius malema main
Julius speaking in public
Born: Sadly, Yes
Current age: Stone
Language: N/A
Education: He can reed and rite
Idol Robert Mugabe
Religion Communism
Favourite word Racist
Political Orientation Racist

Julius Malema is the leader of the African National Congress Youth League (ANCYL). This league is for young aspiring South Africans who want to become fully fledged African politicians. He is the reincarnation of many great freedom fighters and revolutionaries from different eras of Africa.

Traditionalism

Julius' multiple soul reincarnation is inconsistent with most theories of single soul reincarnation, but African revolutionaries don't like it when Western mythology, religion, ideas, laws, science, health care or education are forced upon them. The sangoma[1] who facilitated the final stage of the reincarnation said that he believed Julius would be productive.

Julius despises all things Western and firmly believes they should be kept out of African society. Therefore, except for his designer clothes, his Victorian style home and his luxury German cars, he is a very traditional young African man.

Language

Julius malema look Vuvuzela
Julius Malema A vuvuzela

It is uncertain what Julius' mother tongue is; for this reason it was left blank on his matric[2] certificate. Academics usually use his best subject as an indicator, claiming he speaks English. However, most of the time he speaks in what is known in South Africa as "kakpraat."

A team of specialists in the field of linguistics appointed an expert to analyse the noise he makes, which involved the reversal of the sound waves coming from a vuvuzela.[3] There is still no clear indication of his language, despite the team's best efforts.

Rise to Power

Juluis Malema Matric
“You don't have to be educated to be a president.”
~ Julius Malema on education

This is an insert of Julius's matric (High School) results.

Julius Malema won the democratic ANCYL election held at the University of the Free State in April 2008; however, this was not achieved without incident. Upon commencement of voting, both candidates were required to present their student identification, which provided them with a problem as neither of them were registered students. Being the fighting revolutionaries they are, they quickly arranged to be registered for a course at the university. This posed another problem because neither one exactly passed high school. They managed to circumnavigate this blatantly racist technicality by starting at the technical college, where Julius Malema and his opponent could find something to register for that met these essential standards:

  • A valid course, or part thereof, that had an academical ring to it;
  • Admission requirements that could be satisfied by someone with the intellectual ability of Julius and his opponent.

Julius applied for the Corruption Science & Advanced Sinecure 4 year program. Unfortunately, it had the very strict requirements of achieving an F in mathematics or passing woodwork (shop class), an essential subject for anyone trying to make the cabinet. The exact course he registered for is still unclear, but it was something along the lines of playing with clay and cutting on the line. This sounds like a very high standard for Julius, but he didn't have to actually pass the course, or even attend the class. An African student leader doesn't have to be an actual student.[4]

Recent Personal Life

Julius Malema Eating
Julius is a gentleman and enjoys fine dining.

He is single. He says he doesn't yet own a wife/wives for his house in Polokwane. Despite this, Julius is a lady killer, and knows that a woman who has had a "nice time" stays until the morning to request breakfast (stale toast) and taxi fare back to Zimbabwe.

Debating strategy

Julius Malema uses the tried and trusted African debating strategy, also used prominently by Robert Mugabe. He said he won R1000[5] in a high school debating competition, which shows that this strategy pays off. The tactic usually involves labelling anyone who disagrees with anything you have to say as a racist. The word "racist" is sometimes replaced by "Colonialist" or "European Devil", but these terms are seldom used when African countries apply for financial aid from Europe.

Nando's commercial fame

Julius malema puppet
The puppet in action
During the 2009 elections, a puppet portraying Julius appeared in a commercial for the fast food franchise Nando's. The puppet was seen doing basic mathematics and actually answering the question posed by a journalist. These were the only indications that it was a puppet talking and not Julius himself.

The African National Congress (ANC) immediately demanded that the commercial be discontinued. They argued that it was copyright infringement, as they owned the right to a Julius Malema puppet making public statements. They also owned the authentic Julius Malema, unofficially named "Pinocchio". The Nando's puppet was later sold through an SMS auction for R100 000 to an independent business. An ANC spokesperson said this was R99 500 more than the authentic Julius' worth, and viewed the expense as a silly waste of money.

The Many Faces of Julius

Where most Politicians are only two faced, Julius Malema provides more.

Fashion guru

Malema Tired
Julius demonstrating a pose called thinking Malema. Notice that he is not wearing copper.

Julius pointed out that Zimbabwean mines going broke after nationalization had nothing to do with nationalization. It happened because copper went out of fashion; "You rarely see people wearing copper these days." He said that farms going bankrupt, after being seized from white farmers in South Africa, was due to the dying trend of food.

Poet

When confronted about an ANCYL spokesperson saying those who support white rights are racist criminals who should be shot and killed, Julius used his poetic genius to deduce that the spokesperson only meant: "Thou shalt fighteth racism as thou fighteth crime."

Comedian

A large part of South Africa's population and most foreigners who see Julius Malema regard him as one of SA's best comedians. Julius Malema's public statements often takes on the form of a poorly written stand-up act rather than a political affair. Julius formulated the following witticism during the controversy over the sex of athlete Caster Semenya: "Caster Semenya, he IS a woman!"

Revolutionary

Even though Apartheid is now a thing of the past, it is still used as a great resource whenever the new Government makes a mistake.[6]
It was during a display of this resourcefulness that Julius discovered he had to be the reincarnation of multiple Apartheid fighters, as he most definitely fought it repeatedly. He now uses his past wisdom to teach young black South Africans what Apartheid was all about and how to keep on fighting it.

As a revolutionary, he helps his people through the struggle. Exactly what this struggle is, is unclear. In one of his public statements, Julius said that the youth of South Africa, under his leadership, will never let Britain invade South Africa. He shares this goal with the youth of Britain, as many of them are from South Africa and want to stay as far away from it as possible.

Secret Agent

It is speculated that Julius is in fact an agent planted within the ANC by opposition parties, as he possesses the remarkable skill of converting ANC members to the opposition merely by speaking in public. When the leader of the biggest opposition party was questioned on these allegations, she remarked: "Well, we certainly wouldn't want Julius to leave the ANC any time soon."

Controversial statements

Sangoma2
The sangoma who facilitated Julius' reincarnation

Dangers of AIDS

Seeing is believing for Julius and he has never seen a person with AIDS; therefore, it doesn’t exist. He shares this view with South Africa's previous president and many other African politicians.

Support for ANC leaders under criminal investigation

In 2003, as head of Cosas, Malema said that the student union would do anything to protest the jailing of Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, including "burning the prison she is locked in". This statement was not accepted well by many political parties, including the ANC, as the deed would have resulted in them burning Winnie Madikizela-Mandela to death.

In June 2008, Malema made international headlines by vowing that the Youth League would take up arms if the prosecution of Jacob Zuma for alleged fraud and corruption continued. Malema said, "Let us make it clear now: we are prepared to die for Zuma. Not only that, we are prepared to take up arms and kill for Zuma." The remark drew widespread condemnation and complaints from people who condemned it and complained about it. It was settled by an agreement between Malema and the South African Human Rights Commission, facilitated by Madikizela-Mandela, that he would not use the word "kill" in a public statement ever again. Later, in a public statement, Malema said he would follow the guidelines, although it would kill his spirit, resulting in him being somewhat of a party-killer, but that it wouldn't kill him to perhaps change his ways.

Statements concerning ANC members

In February 2009, he was criticized by his own party when he mocked Education Minister Naledi Pandor for having what he termed "a fake American accent" and for being the Minister of Education. He subsequently apologised directly to her after being told to do so by the ANC, since they knew that she was sensitive about being the Minister of Education.

Opinions on the economy

Malema has opined on Jacob Zuma's understanding of the economy, saying that it amounted to "put a bread on the table (sic), we don't want sophistication". He backed this statement up by pointing out that Zimbabwe's unsophisticated economy wasn't influenced to a large extent by the global economic crisis.

Bouncywikilogo
For those who find this article boring and not funny at all, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Julius Malema that may be funnier.

Education

Contrary to popular belief and propaganda, Julius Malema does NOT have an education. However, he did attend first grade but was soon expelled after vandalising the school library, destroying both colouring books. He has also been cited as a "racist" for breaking all the white chalks for being...well, white.

Notes

  1. African witchdoctor
  2. South African equivalent of a High School diploma
  3. Horn used during African soccer matches
  4. Or an actual leader
  5. $1 = about R8. You do the math.
  6. This principle forms the foundation of the ANC, along with the Tokkelosh. He is a small hairy creature found in African folklore, stalking and harming people at night. It is believed that he will come and visit you if you do not vote ANC.

See Also

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