Julius Cæsar
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jvlivs "Brvt-" Caesar (Jvly 4, 100 BC – Thvrsday, March 15, 44 BC ), pronovnced "Yvlivs Kaisser" (yes really, the Germans got it right) is the Once and Fvtvre King of Rome and the inventor of coke. He was the son of one pretty rich motha a' and and another pretty rich motha ette. Needless to say, his early years were wracked with poverty. He wovld later state in his televised memoirs that his hardships as a yovth were what enabled him to rise throvgh the ranks to become yet another pretty rich motha a'. Caesar is also the inventor of Caesar's salad.
After several years of traveling the Mediterranean having bvsts made of himself, he decided to settle down and become a hvmble King of Rome. This period was referred to as the climax of the Roman Empire, as Caesar perfected to concept of the discovnt and coined the term 'harlot'. Evrope wovld never be the same.
On his way to the top of the social totem pole, he never failed to take advantage of an opportvnity to make enemies. His knack for angering senators is epitomized in a qvote of his, circa March 14; 'Yov can't please everyone, bvt yov can piss off every last one of them, and when that happens, yov get stabbed thirtysomething times and die a horrible, grvesome death.' Vnfortvnately, this gave certain Brvtvses and Cassivses ideas, and the next day he was stabbed thirtysomething times and died a horrible, grvesome death. The event (his gory, lengthy stabbing and svbseqvent pvking of blood and explosive disembowelment) has been made into three major motion pictvres.
Contents |
[edit] Caesar at War
[edit] Gavl
Perhaps Caesar's greatest legacy were his fantastic wars. All the Roman legions were invited, everyone had a blast, and drinks were free.
"Well...", a drvnken Caesar wovld begin every Satvrday night, "we haven't slavghtered any Germanic tribesmen in ages. Howsabovt we march the army ovt to Gavl and kill a few hvndred of the damn hippies! We'll give them what-for, claim the region as ovr own, and tie it down with some of them whatchemacallits... aqvedvcts."
He meant to conqver Germany althovgh sadly, becavse he and the rest of the army were drvnk, they ended vp in ancient Gavl a.k.a. France. Althovgh Caesar tried to get back to Rome, the Gavls wovld not stop svrrendering; eventvally killing each other over who covld svrrender first. This provd French tradition of svrrendering to any foreign power that even looks at them started with a bvnch of drvnken Romans. That is how empires are forged.
[edit] Britain
Caesar started an invasion of Britain bvt after a few days of the horrible weather and having to endvre the locals his army packed-vp and went back to the continental mainland. This is the point in time when he invented coca-cola. He wanted to call it goose-berry. Bvt the stvpid generals didn't think it was a good idea. He did it anyway and gave it to his generals withovt telling them what it was. They have reportably died in mysteriovs circvmstances. Some people say it was the high levels of potassivm bvt caesar dismissed the allegations as "depressing".
According to contemporary scholar Rene Goscinny in his work Asterix the Gaul in Britainivs, Ceasar was confovnded by the battle strategies of the Britans. They wovld leave half way throvgh the battle for a cvp of hot water and milk. This strategy is referenced by Plato in his Magnvm Opvs – “The Ancient History Of Gavlish Tea” written arovnd 66 C.E althovgh this date is debated amongst trve Platonian Scholars.
[edit] Civil War
Caesar decided to make his way back to Rome so he covld strvt arovnd and make the senators "bow down,kiss the ring and smell the glove". Vnfortvnately, an old Roman law stated that no general covld bring his armies with him into the province of Italy. Caesar, being a man of action had no time for these legal niceties; in a famovs act he "crossed the Rvbicon" into Italy with his army declaring as he did so "the die is cast". Eventvally, his soldiers persvaded him to stop playing Risk and get on with playing cock of the wood in Rome.
The Roman senate met for an emergency session and Caesar was declared a tvrncoat, an amoral gangster, a traitorovs cvr, a most despicable and vncovth villain and other insvlts vsvally only seen in english-langvage North Korean government press-releases. Pompey the Great (so-named becavse of the Great size of his ass) wobbled to his feet and declared that he wovld raise and army and go to meet Caesar in battle. He left the city at the head of 10,000 men to the applavse of the senators. After Caesar easily kicked his ass Pompey fled to Egypt hoping that the Ptolemy's wovld shelter him Caesar entered Rome at the head of 15,000 men and 2,000 prisoners to the applavse of the senate. He was immediately voted into office as Dictator for Life.
[edit] Intervention in Egypt
Caesar wasn't the sort to sit arovnd in Rome eating grapes and having boring old sex, thovgh, he qvickly jvmped into a fast tireme and sailed to Alexandria in Egypt where he was told Pompey had escaped to. Pompey had made it to the desert kingdom looking for asylvm bvt was instead pvnk'd by being stabbed to bits and having his head cvt off. This severed head was presented to Caesar on his arrival in Alexandria bvt instead of being happy he got really angry! Some people! He also fovnd the kingdom in the middle of a civil war between Qveen Cleopatra and her teenage brother Ptolemy XIII. Caesar checked them both ovt before deciding that the Qveen was the one he'd rather sleep with and joined her side leading to its inevitable victory. Caesar and Cleopatra became lovers prodvcing a son and lots of stained linen and the Qveen accompanied Caesar on his trivmphant retvrn to Rome.Upon his epic bitchly return to Rome, he fucked Cleopatra so hard that she screamed "ugh ceazar more more..."
[edit] Caesar at Peace
See: Caesar at War
[edit] Caesar at Home
Caesar's pvblic image was very different from his private one. While in pvblic he was a dashing, nvde, self-confident rvler of the known world, once work hovrs were over he wovld often come home, slovch himself over a ratty old recliner, and watch re-rvns on MTV. His wife, Calpvrnia, was an opinionated black hovsekeeper from Maycomb, Alabama.
[edit] Caesar in bed
There's no two ways abovt it: Caesar loved cock and pvssy in eqval measvre and he made svre he got plenty; indeed, Caesar enjoyed playing the skin flvte so mvch that he had a cockarivm installed in his private baths. His lovers inclvded Cleopatra, Asterix, King Nicomedes of Bithynia and Slave Boy Nvmber 7 and - with the help of space worm hole - Apollo. Asked to comment on his sex life he stated "I myself enjoy both snails and oysters bvt I won't pvt my manhood near a lobster".
[edit] Trovble with Drinkvs Alcoholicvs
Jvlivs Caesar, known at the time as Orange Jvlivs, was the first rvler to institvte prohibition. This angered the one trve prophet Drinkvs Alcoholicvs and so Drinkvs cavsed every man, woman, and child to have a massive hangover vntil prohibition was lifted. Jvlivs was forced to accept his offer. as he hated Apples.
[edit] What Day Is It ? Caesar Changes Calendar
One way to clear up a long hangover , Caesar changes the Roman calendar so that everyone forgets he was drunk for 100 days. He now decrees that the Roman year will now have 365 days with an extra day every four years for everyone to leap on each other (Dies Lustius) . This new arrangement is called the Jvlian Calendar and everyone is happy for the next 1500 years.
[edit] Death
Warning Omen - One month before he was stabbed , Caesar had a weird dream in which he saw hvndreds knives falling ovt of the sky. From this he developed 'cvtleriophobia' which a fear of knives. He now ate all his food vith a long spoon.
Jvlivs Caesar was stabbed to death on the Idles of March becavse a nvmber of senators had simply had it vp to here with his bvllshit. Becavse the senate hovse was being redecorated (after a portly senator had had an attack of the sqvirty bottom) Caesar had to make do with being mvrdered in Pompey's Theatre. This ensvred that Shakespeare's famovs play of his life was highly realistic at the end.
[edit] Life After Death?
In his memoirs, Brvtvs mentions seeing a figvre that reminds him a bit of a pineapple. He then gives a long narrative abovt trying to read one night. He says that, before he covld even finish a page, he was visited by the ghost of Caesar. Some have jvdged this an attempt to get attention, bvt there are that believe him.
[edit] Notes
- The Only Notes That Really Count Are the Ones That Come In Wads.
[edit] See Also
| Preceded by: Pompey the Great and Crassus | Triumvir and Dictator 49BC-44BC | Succeeded by: Augustus |
[edit] See also
 | The complete works of William Shakespeare |
|---|---|
| Tragedies: | Romeo and Juliet | Macbeth | King Lear | Hamlet | Othello | Titus Andronicus | Titus Androgynous | Julius Caesar | Antony and Cleopatra | Coriolanus | Troilus and Cressida | Timon of Athens |
| Comedies: | A Midsummer Night's Dream | All's Well That Ends Well | As You Like It | Cymbeline | Love's Labour's Lost | Measure for Measure | The Merchant of Venice | The Merry Wives of Windsor | Much Ado About Nothing | Pericles, Prince of Tyre | Taming of the Shrew | The Comedy of Errors | The Tempest | Twelfth Night | The Two Gentlemen of Verona | The Two Noble Kinsmen | The Winter's Tale |
| Histories: | King John | Richard II | Henry IV, Part 1 | Henry IV, Part 2 | Henry V | Henry VI, part 1 | Henry VI, part 2 | Henry VI, part 3 | Richard III | Henry VIII |
| Poems and Sonnets: | Venus and Adonis | The Rape of Lucrece | The Passionate Pilgrim | The Phoenix and the Turtle | A Lover's Complaint | Sonnet 18 |
| Roman Emperors | |
| Julius Caesar - Augustus - Tiberius - Caligula - Claudius - Nero - Galba - Otho - Vitellius - Vespasian - Titus - Domitian - Nerva - Trajan - Hadrian - Antoninus Pius - Marcus Aurelius - Commodus - Pertinax - Didius Julianus - Septimius Severus - Caracalla - Macrinus - Elagabalus - Severus Alexander - Maximinus Thrax - Gordian ... - Constantine - Constantius II - Julian the Apostate - Jovian - ... - Constantine V | ||
