Julian the Apostate
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Julian the Apostate (Flavius Julius Apostrophe) was Roman Emperor from 361-363. He wanted to be called "Julian the Plumber" or "Julian the Pagan Hairdresser" but the Christians called him 'the apostate' because they couldn't spell apostrophe.
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[edit] Early Days
Julian was a cousin of Emperor Constantius II. He was out in the garden when Roman soldiers sent by Constantine's angry sons killed all his family. They said it was a Christian act so after that Julian decided he wanted to be a pagan like earlier Emperors. He got spots early and said he wanted to be a writer but Julian was never good at sticking to anything for long.
[edit] Get a Job
Emperor Constantius II asked Julian if he wanted to replace his own brother Gallus as Caesar in the Roman Empire. When Julian said there was no vacancy, Gallus's head was delivered to his home by DHL (Dead Head Letter service). Seeing this as an omen, Julian took up Constantius's offer and ran the Roman Empire as required. However he also took time out to hang around with a bunch of seedy pagans who told him about the good old days of cutting up animals to read entrails. Julian was hooked and took a matching pair of bull's testicles to play with on the bus until he got home. He then left his bible in the Vestal Virgins' shower locker.
[edit] Emperor
Constantius was getting on everyone's tits and his 'arianism' thing had made him a very boring person at imperial dinner parties. So a hot footed messenger in Constantinople was told to pop out and find Julian and a spare army. Julian heard the report from burning toed messenger and then threw him in the waste paper basket as he couldn't be bothered to send a formal reply. So Julian headed off to Constantinople with an army to take on Constantius - only to be told that the old git was now very dead after he had been poisoned by bored party guest. Julian now becomes the sole ruler of the Roman Empire. The crowds shouted 'Thanks Julie' - and he became a hero for a day or two with the offer of free wine and it was 'Easy Virtue Week' for anyone who hadn't been doing it since Lent.
[edit] Christians Get Upset
However the Pope got the message that Julian wasn't into all this Christianity business and wanted to reopen the pagan temples. The Christians were very upset and spent time thinking of new names for their bad emperor. Even the pagans were unhappy - they thought Julian spent too much time with funny old men called Phil, Soc and 'Sissy' Rowe.
[edit] Off to Persia
Julian decided that the only way to become popular again was to go to war in the Middle East. He chose the Persians as they looked easy to duff up and wanted to be known as Julian the Conqueror.
[edit] Death
However the Persians wouldn't come out to fight and Julian and his army had to set up a camp in the desert. After running out of songs from the 'Roman Legionary Jokes in Tight Situations' - someone fired an arrow at Julian - wounding him mortally. Julian was upset and didn't see the funny side to this. He blamed everyone and said Jesus had killed him. He lingered on a few days - enough time to finish his tax returns and biography which he buried in the sand for Gore Vidal to find.
[edit] Legacy
Julian had no children and with his death it wasn't funny anymore to be a pagan. The church made sure they bought up all copies of Emperor Julian Was a Really Good Ruler and replaced them with Julie - You Had It Coming! Don't Cross a Christian!!.
[edit] Footnotes
- As all of Julian's work except his school report were burnt after he died - the only writings we have on him are by mean minded Christians.
| Preceded by: Constantius II | Roman Emperor 361-363 | Succeeded by: Jovian |
| Roman Emperors | |
| Julius Caesar - Augustus - Tiberius - Caligula - Claudius - Nero - Galba - Otho - Vitellius - Vespasian - Titus - Domitian - Nerva - Trajan - Hadrian - Antoninus Pius - Marcus Aurelius - Commodus - Pertinax - Didius Julianus - Septimius Severus - Caracalla - Macrinus - Elagabalus - Severus Alexander - Maximinus Thrax - Gordian ... - Constantine - Constantius II - Julian the Apostate - Jovian - ... - Constantine V | ||
