Julia Gillard

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Always moving Australia forward!

“Oh Julia, I think this looks better in your back”
~ Kevin Rudd on cutlery
“When I said there will be no carbon tax, I meant no with a silent "K" so you wouldn't know when the carbon tax will come in.”
~ Julia Gillard on Carbon tax

Julia Gillard (born 29 September 1961) was the 27th, and probably the last-ever Prime Minister of Australia. She rose to prominence as a student politician in the Australian Union of Communists and Neo-Nazis, later serving as the Chief of Staff at John Brumby's Bakery and then becoming Pauline Hanson's senior advisor. Her rise in Australian federal politics was mostly aided by her widely noted political skill and her skillful and dexterous use of a switchblade knife.

Much controversy has been generated by the fact that she is a lesbian, unmarried and a ranga. Politically, Gillard had gone largely unnoticed until the 2010 election, where half the population of Australia decided that they would rather vote for a hairy misogynistic monk than see a woman assuming high office on her own accord, (The Australian Civil War, 2010). Focus group research indicated that many people with 'traditional values' were concerned that Gillard would not have time to cook, clean and decorate the lodge and perform her Prime Ministerial duties. It was later revealed that Gillard did none of these domestic chores, placating the concerns of many.

Gillard became the Deputy Great Internal Leader upon the Communist party victory in the 2007 Australian Civil War, also serving as Minister for Education, Illiteracy, Unemployment, Workplace Relations, Union slush funds and Propaganda . On 24 June 2010, after Prime Minister Graham Rudd lost the support of his party, Gillard became federal Great Internal leader of the Australian Communist Party (ALP) and thus the Office of Great Internal Leader, the first trans-gender holder of the office.

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Julia Gillard.

Julia Gillard shares many popular pastimes with John Howard, including dissing gay couples, imprisoning refugees, and praising Christian values. To everyone's surprise, this did not help her popularity.

edit Early life

Welshpeople

Julia Gillard's family wanted to escape from Welsh parochialism for the Australian version.

Julia Gillard was in 1961 in Barry, Wales, United Kingdom. After she suffered from bronchopneumonia (a kind of speech disease that causes sufferers to over broaden their vowels), her parents were advised it would aid her recovery if they were to live in Australia. The doctor was lying, there is in fact no known cure for bronchopneumonia, but he believed that at the very least she would blend in, making her adult life at least bearable.

The Gillards left Wales in 1970 and migrated to Indonesia were she briefly meet and dated a young 'Barry' (secretly Barack Obama) under the impression he was also from her old home town in Wales. In 1975 The family bought a ticket from Indonesian people smugglers and boarded a boat and sailed south to Christmas Island where our "Great Internal Leader" John Howard sent the United States of Australia warship USS Melbourne to intersect. Juila and her family were then imprisoned in the Australian concentration camp (fully covered in The Sunday Telegraph :boat people story 34,573: Welsh family flee to Australia.

Gillard's father originally worked as a zookeeper in Wales and found a similar position in his newly adopted country. Julia went on to attend Unley High School. She then studied at the University of Adelaide but cut short her courses after failing law school in 1982 and moved to Melbourne to ruin the Australian Union of Students. She graduated from the University of Melbourne with Bachelor of Arts and Bachelor of Laws degrees in 1986.

In 1987, Gillard joined the law firm Slater & Gordon at Werribee where her brief was to fight for the rights of evicted Emus. For a hobby she joined the Australian Communists ("Australian Labor Party") and eventually back stabbed her way up to the Federal parliament. With just the dull Kevin Rudd to embed in the cutlery, Gillard became the first true female Prime Minister of Australia since Malcolm Fraser.

edit Political provenance

Julia Gillard then moved into Kirribilli castle of minions, the ancestral home of all Ostraya's monarchs and reknowned for its wide moat full of saltwater crocodiles. Her policies include upgrading the countries Broadband network to the same level as ethiopia within 50 years and introducing pain killers to the hospital system. She has now introduced the $32 billion broadband network to avoid watching any Rupert Murdoch owned news channel.

edit Rise to power

Gillard is well known for her rise to power using a technique known as "Leadership Spill" in the local language, this roughly translates as "Backstabbing". This simply means that Australia went to sleep on Thursday night and woke up on Sunday morning with a new leader. This is not entirely unprecedented, as Gough 'Cough' Whitlam died to a similar death at the hands of Malcom Fraser. The certain threat Gillard has also imposed upon the world is also a factor in her universal domination over all political matters. This threat is generated by the recent upension of the balance of things in the world which results in catastrophe such as the Sichuan earthquakes, the Auckland earthquakes, Barbra Streisand's sudden impluse to revert to her original form, which in turn brought the reincarnation of Godzilla, the sudden surge of sex addiction in celebrities such as Mel Gibson and David Letterman and finally, Andrew Hansen's haircut.

edit "Nose of the decade"

The most prominent feature of Gillard at first glance is definitely her oversized nose. The size of her nose alone has made headlines in The Courier Mail and The Sunday Mail, and has made the cover page of Woman's Day magazine on several occasions. It is a well known fact that her sense of smell is stronger than that of a normal human, but the extent of how strong it actually is has not yet been confirmed; although, theories and rumours have it that she is able to smell if Tony Abbott is within a 10 kilometre perimeter of her whereabouts.

With her nose being a prominent and influential feature about her, she has been compared to many animals with similar looks. Some of these include: the Anteater, the Pelican, the Devil, a regular Cow or just any Bird species in general. But in August 2010, Gillard stepped forward and revealed the truth about herself, where she admitted being half human, half Toucan – where her father was a Toucan and her mother was a regular human. This confession was easily understood as her massive nose and all other features about her added up.


edit Personal life and views

Julia Gillard Chicken

Ms Gillard during the 2013 Election campaign; the victim of a vicious Liberal high school science project.

Gillard's partner since 2006 is an Orangutan. She has the same problem that Kevin Rudd had; she had trouble telling the gender of her partner. She has also previously slept with union officials Michael O'Connor and Bruce Wilson and fellow Federal Labor MP Craig Emerson.[Girl Power!] She has never married and has no children.[Thank God - less rangas in the world!]

Gillard was brought up in the Baptist tradition, but is a atheist. In a 2010 interview when asked if she believed in God, Gillard stated in typical doublespeak: "No I don't ... I'm not a religious person ... [I'm] a great respecter of religious beliefs but they're not my beliefs." However, she has notably read paragraphs from the Christian bible to the public about "how gays are not allowed to marry here in Australia".

Gillard was recently told her partner Tim was gay by the notorious chump Howard Sattler, but she revealed that she did not hold Sattler's tempestuous love affair with Tim against either of them.

She owns a taxpayer-funded mansion in the southwestern Melbourne suburb of Altona and is a public supporter of the Western Bullshits Australian football club despite their denials to the contrary.

According to Australian Government icons such as Bob Hawke and Harold Holt (speaking from China), Gillard is a closet Lesbian. It has been said that her and cabinet member Penny Wong enjoy ganging up on Gillard's "partner" and fighting over who gets to pegg him.

Gillard was caught doing the shuffle on live television in late June, 2012.

edit Career as a Stand-Up Comedian

Other than her many achievements as a politician Julia Gillard is also known for her various toe-dips into the pool of comedy, most notably with her buddy Tony Abbott. Gillard and Abbott worked for many years to develop their unique stand-up routine, which they eventually presented to Parliament on December 1st 2009.

Many members of the Liberal/Homosexual/Feminist alliance were at first shocked by the misogynistic undertones of the routine. However, they were soon overwhelmed by Tony Abbott's alpha-dog physique and hypnotically-reptillian smile, which turns even fanatical, castrating Germaine Greer fans into the sort of women that wear Australian flag bikinis to all aquatic occasions and become particularly promiscuous on Australia Day.

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