Jules Verne

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Jules Verne

Jules Verne's beard 'ad it's own gravity.

Monsieur - 'ow do you say - Jules Gabriel Verne (February 8, 1828 – March 24, 1905) was a French writair. 'E was k'nown for 'ees wonerfeul stories about ze fiction scientifique, particular 'ees famous Voyages Extraordinaires series, n'est pas? Alors, 'e was also une of the least sexy writairs ever to work in la belle France.

edit Early years

Monsieur Verne was born een ze town of Nantes on ze banks of the Loire in western France. As a boy, 'e would look at the ships een ze port and dream of ze travel, while his schoolfriends were making ze chitchat weeth the girls. 'Ees père - eh, how do you say in English - 'ees fathair, was not pleased by zees, believing zat ten year old French boys should be sneaking into cancan shows instead.

One day, Verne tried to leave town on a ship headed for the India. His father caught and punished him severely, and made yong Jules promise not to hang out with sailors any more run away to sea.

“I shall from now on only travel in my imagination.”
~ Jules Verne on prophetic statements
“Good. You shall need a hobby then. How about mistresses? They can be fun.”
~ Papa Verne on being French

edit Early Career

Jules Verne sitting

Verne enjoys 'ees favourite pastime - sitting still.

Aftair 'e feenished his schooling, M. Verne went to Paris, where 'ees fathair wanted 'eem to study ze law an' become, as you say in English, a law to be makinger/to do. 'Owever, Verne began writing librettos for light opera.

When Verne's fathair discovered that 'is son was working in ze opera 'ouse weethout shagging the chorus girls, 'e cut off his son's - 'ow do you say - allowance. Unable to study law and lackig ze reputation needed to make a living as a full-time writair, Verne was unwillingly forced to take a lucrative job as a stockbroker, zereby making a mockery of the plot of ze feelm The Pursuit of Happyness.

Een 'ees spair time, M. Verne worked 'ard to try to set 'imself up as a writair. 'Een zees, 'e was 'ampered by ze fact that ze other writairs all used to go to ze brothel to - 'ow do you say - socialise, but M. Verne did not know where ze brothel was. Een fact 'e did not even know what a brothel was, and assumed eet was a sort of 'ot air baloon.

edit Les Voyages Extraordinaires

In 1857, M. Verne married a widow with deux children, assuming zat zees was the ususal way to reproduce. 'Is wife encouraged 'eem een ees writing, while she occupied 'erself een 'elping ze gardener to achieve - 'ow do you say - a well tended garden.

Een ze early 1860s, M. Verne finally 'ad som success, when 'e met the publishier celebrè Pierre-Jules Hetzel, 'oo was coming out of a strip show. M. Verne showed 'im his manuscript Five Weeks in a Balloon.

M. Hertzel patiently explained the difference between a balloon and a brothel, and requested that M. Verne rewrite ze manuscript. And so une collaboration colosal 'eets nativity 'ad. Over ze decades ahead, M. Verne wrote a series of books under the heading of Les Voyages Extraordinaires, wheech were all about travel, science and adventure.

Ze French reading public were immediately attracted to the strange novelty of a series of books with no sex, nudity or sex in zem. Ze closest M. Verne evair came to a sex scene was in Around the World in 80 Days, in which Phineas Fogg and the lovely Auoda hold hands for nearly twenty seconds.

edit Selected Highlights

edit Five Weeks in a Balloon

"Then do you not see," asked Kennedy, "That if the elevation of this plateau is 650m above sea level, whereas the elevation of the Nile is at 700m at the third cataract, then we must be mistaken. This cannot be the source of the Nile."

"Of course!" said Fergusson. "How foolish I have been! I must make a note of it, as soon as we get out of this enormous cast-iron cooking pot."

edit Journey to the Center of the Earth

"As you can see, Axel" said Professor Lidenbrock, "The rock at this depth is neither neomorphic, nor is it paleocamberic. I believe that we have reached a hitherto unknown section in the archeohistory of the Earth!"

"That's great, Professor! Now help me wrestle this pterodactyl into submission."

edit 20000 Leagues Beneath the Sea

Nemo

Captain Nemo was abnormally fond of glowering.

"Intriguing, is it not, Conseil?" said Prof. Arronax "At this depth of the Atlantic Ocean we can see all sorts of fish - pteronotes, and whose snout is white as snow, the body of a beautiful black, marked with a very long loose fleshy strip; odontognathes, armed with spikes; sardines nine inches long, glittering with a bright silver light; a species of mackerel provided with two anal fins; centronotes of a blackish tint, that are fished for with torches..."

"Is he talking about fish again?" asked Ned Land.

"I'm afraid so," replied Conseil.

"Long fish, two yards in length, with fat flesh, white and firm, which, when they are fresh, taste like eel, and when dry, like smoked salmon; labres, half red, covered with scales only at the bottom of the dorsal and anal fins..." continued the professor.

Land and Conseil suddenly stood bolt upright in fear, as the dread Captain Nemo strode into the observation lounge.

"Is he talking about fish again?" demanded Nemo.

"Chrysoptera, on which gold and silver blend their brightness with that of the ruby and topaz; golden-tailed spares, the flesh of which is extremely delicate, and whose phosphorescent properties betray them in the midst of the waters; orange-coloured spares with long tongues; maigres, with gold caudal fins, dark thorn-tails, anableps of Surinam..."

Nemo drew his chrome plated Desert Eagle. "I swear, if you don't shut up about motherfucking fish I will put a motherfucking cap in your motherfucking ass!"

edit Around the World in Eighty Days

Phileas Fogg

'Een addition to winnin 'ees bet to travel around ze world in 80 days, Phileas Fogg also won awards for "Biggest Hat, 1870" and ze "David Niven Lookalike Competition" three years running.

"On September 22nd, 1842, British civil engineer Charles Blacker Vignoles, submitted a Report on a Proposed Railway in India to the East India Company," said the Station Master. "By 1845, two companies, the East Indian Railway Company operating from Calcutta, and the Great Indian Peninsula Railway (GIPR) operating from Bombay, were formed."

"How very interesting. Two first-class tickets to Calcutta, please," replied Mr. Fogg.

"The first train in India was operational on 1851-12-22, used for the hauling of construction material in Roorkee. A few years later, on 1853-04-16, the first passenger train between Bori Bunder, Bombay and Thana covering a distance of 34 km (21 miles) was inaugurated, formally heralding the birth of railways in India. Prior to this there was in 1832 a proposal to build a railroad between Madras and Bangalore and in 1836 a survey was conducted for this line."

"Two first-class tickets to Calcutta, please."

"The British government encouraged the setting up of railways by private investors under a scheme that would guarantee an annual return...

"TWO. FIRST. CLASS. TICKETS. TO. CALCUTTA. PLEASE."

"...Of 5% during the initial years of operation. Once completed, the company would be passed under government ownership, but would be operated by the company that built them. Robert Maitland Brereton, a British engineer was responsible for the expansion of the railway..."

"Oh, sod this. Forget the train Passpartout! We shall travel by hot-air brothel."

"Balloon, sir," said Passpartout.

"Yes, yes, balloon."

edit Later life

Jules Verne underwater

Early news reports wrongly suggested zat Verne had drowned in 'ees fishpond.

Een 1870, ze Prussian Army came marching across ze bourdeurs of France, marching towards Paree. In ze finest traditions of French heroism, Verne valiantly joined ze Coast Guard.

From 1888 to some time later, Verne served as a town councilor een Amiens. During zis time, 'e instituted many valuable public reforms, such as installing pneumatic sewers and radium-based street lights. 'E also 'ad ze gendarmes' vice squad crack down on ze local ballooning festival, to ze confusion of one and all.

Een 1905, 'ee was accidentalment shot by 'ees nephew. Unfortunately, ze lad was armed weeth a cannon gigantique designed to fire a spacecraft to the moon, and M. Verne was severely injured in ze - 'ow do you say - entire body. 'E was buried in Amiens Magelene Cemetery, ze Brussels mortuary, ze 'Ighgate Cemetary in London, and ze Necropolis of Egypt.

edit Trivia

  • Ze fastest bird in ze world is ze European swift.
  • James I was ze only man to have been a king before becoming King of England.
  • What? Only trivia about Jules Verne?
  • You could have said something.
  • Verne ees kernown for 'aving predicted submarine warefare and space travel. Less well kernown 'ees zat een 'ees book Paris in the 20th Century, he correctly predicted ze skyscrapers, ze Internet and ze Emo.
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