Juggernaut

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“I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!!”
~ The Juggernaut on who the Juggernaut is, Bitch!
“In Soviet Russia, YOU'RE the Juggernaut, BITCH!”
~ Russian Reversal on the Juggernaut, bitch.


Juggernaut
Jail reloaded

The only time Juggernaut was ever captured is shown here, when he was imprisoned in a wall of plastic and cardboard for more than 45 minutes. His brothers still make fun of him.
PublisherNone
First appearanceAll Hitler Funnies #147
Created byMumsy and Pops
Statistics
Real nameHe's the Juggernaut, bitch!
StatusBoth acting as a train, running people around, and running around with people, "doing the train"
AffiliationsMagneto
Previous affiliationsDr. Phil
Notable aliasesThe Little Teapot, Jugs, Jugsy, Little J, Big J, Jugger-Naughty and Big Momma
Notable relativesProfessor X (stepbrother), possibly Solid Snake
Notable powersIs a professional criminal. That's pretty cool. He can run through walls and mess stuff up. He tilts paintings so that they're never hanging straight. He hates taco-fish and nuts. He also shits gunpowder.

An "irresistible force", once he begins moving in a certain direction, no power on Earth can stand in his way, except the lure of a good pasta, or a kick ass heavy metal concert, or a painting that he can tilt, or a leprechaun. Or a nap.

There's no object he can't move. Except for a planet, because everyone knows that it takes a comet to move a planet (or a Captain Planet), and he's a juggernaut, not a comet.

It is possible to kill Juggernaut, but one would have to play the Waka Laka song in order to do so (it's Jug's weakness). Of course, the song is so lethal that it kills everyone within a 5 mile radius, so nobody has attempted this feat as of yet (although Jimmy Neutron has stated in numerous interviews that he plans to try this experiment one day).

In his spare time, he creates custom made suits.

History

Showing an aptitude for mayhem even at the spry age of two and a half, Juggernaut brought new meaning to the phrases "The Terrible Twos" and "Holy Crap!". Growing up in a non-abusive family, he surprised everyone who was near him, especially his nanny, Professor X.

The professor (not a real professor, just a creepy old guy who happened to be related to him), always poked fun at the youth. Transcripts stolen from Juggernaut's shrink detail his earliest memories: potty training. Back in those days, he had already garnered a reputation for being an "unstoppable force", prompting his family to hire a live-in master plumber.

After potty training came pre-school and kindergarten. It was during September of his kindergarten year that his family, at the principal's request, began making Juggernaut wear special clothing to school so as not to endanger himself or other students. The so-called "special clothing", as it was, consisted of a football helmet (sans face mask) and a mattress strapped around his body. Ironically, those clothes slowly transformed from a fluffy, non-dangerous outfit to a red metal bodysuit built for only one purpose: destruction.

After elementary and Rafferty's School of Hard Knocks, Juggernaut (now a post-pubescent killing machine), entered college for business administration at Aaker's Business College (found in all fifty states... and Puerto Rico). Sadly, none of the doors of his particular school (or any others, for that matter) would accommodate his "husky" stature, and he smashed through them all. This would lead to his timely expulsion. He was mad.

After Juggernaut's college years (weeks?), he worked as the stunt double for an aging Kool-Aid Man. While Juggernaut was happy with his new career, it would not last for long. After Kool-Aid Man's untimely death from skin failure he was replaced with a terrible CGI duplicate, and Juggernaut was replaced with a CGI stunt double.

He later served in the U.S. Marines, and, at the end of an eighteen-month tour of Baghdad, found it to be to his dislike.

Coming home, he picked up petty theft and, soon after, Burglary, grand theft auto, bank heists and jewel thievery. He pretty much stole every goddamn thing in existence, and if there was a movie about it, he stole it twice. Juggernaut, being extremely wealthy, finally decided to cut down on destroying a bit and divert more of his attention toward mating.

Soon thereafter, a tragic toe-stumping would serve as a turning point in Juggernaut's storygenic life.

Criminal Record

Seriously. He hasn't been arrested for anything. Anything, bitch! He even tried to steal from Chuck Norris, and succeded, amazingly and Chuck Norris woke up in jail after being knocked unconscious. Somehow, he survived Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick, which is a rare occasion. He also raped Chun-Li over 9000 times. He is also wanted of saying "I'm the Juggernaut Bitch" seven times in public.

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