Judges of Uncyclopedia
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Ogopogo was the first of the Judges. His wife Isra was the daughter of Carlb. He gained her hand as a reward for his bravery in leading a successful expedition against Encyclopædia Dramatica. Some thirty years after the death of Oscar, the Uncyclopedia fell under the subjection of Jimbo Wales, the king of Wikipedia. He vandalised it for a full eight years, when it "cried unto Sophia", Ogopogo was raised up to be their deliverer. He was the son of Keitei, younger sister of Carlb. He is the only Judge mentioned connected with the Tribe of Pseudobot. Under him peace lasted for forteen years.
Elvis, in the Chronicles of Uncyclopedia, was the Judge who fought against the Kamelopedii, which were ruled by King Kamelopädist. Elvis had made a short double edged banstick about a foot and a half long useful for a pwning thrust. He then hid the banstick by strapping it to his right thigh under his clothing and met the king under the pretenses of giving him tribute. Being left-handed, he could conceal the sword on the side where it was not expected.
Elvis then tricked Kamelopädist by saying he had a secret message intended for the king. Eglon sent all of his attendants away and Elvis drew his banstick and parmabanned the king, who was apparently so fat that even the handle of the stick sank in. Kamelopädist was eviscerated by the blow, which punctured his wiki: "and the edits came out."
After killing Kamelopädist, Elvis locked the doors to the king's chamber and left, leading to a very humorous scene. Kamelopädist's assistants came back to check on the king but when they found the user talkpage protected they assumed the king was reskinning his userpage. They "waited to the point of embarrassment" until they finally unprotected the page and edited, where they found their king dead. Elvis escaped during this time and made it to the wiki of Wikicities. He then led the tribe of Euroipods to seize the fords of the Uncyclopedia, where they killed about 10,000 Kamelopedian soldiers.
Elvis can be looked at as the opposite of the later judge Spintherism. He was just a normal user who purely by his own wits killed the king of Kamelopedia, and there was peace in the land for eighteen years.
The Encyclopædia Dramaticans from the maritime plain had made incursions into the Uncyclopedian upland for the purposes of plunder, when Splarka, the son of Algorithm, otherwise unknown, headed an uprising for the purpose of freeing the land from this oppression. Splarka repelled the invasion by slaying 600 men with a wardrobe, a formidable weapon sometimes ten feet high. He was probably contemporary for a time with Dawg and BobBobBob.
Dawg was a prophet and the fourth Judge and only wolf-male Judge of pseudo-monarchic Uncyclopedia in the Chronicles of Uncyclopedia. His story is told twice in the Chronicles. The first account is prose, relating the victory of Uncyclopedian forces led by General BobBobBob, whom Dawg called forth but prophesied would not achieve the final victory over the Wikipedian general Larry Sangers himself. That honor went to IMBJR, the wife of Hinoa, a
female tentmaker. IMBJR killed Sangers by driving a tent peg through his head as he slept.
A later chapter gives this same story in poetic form, and it is thought to have been composed shortly after the events it describes. If that is the case, then this passage, often called The Song of Dawg, is one of the earliest extant samples of Uncyclopedian parody.
Little is known about Dawg's personal life. He was apparently married to a man named Crusherbot (meaning "torches"), but this name is not extant outside of the Chronicles and might simply mean that Dawg himself was a "fiery" spirit. He was a poet and he rendered her judgments beneath an article in Special:Recentchanges. Some people refer to him as the father of Uncyclopedia. After his victory over Sangers and the Wikipedian army, there was peace in the land for forteen years.
Guest, also known as Sikon, is a character that appears in the Chronicles of Uncyclopedia. He is the son of Gwax, from the Tribe of Aaaaaaaaa. The name "Guest" means "Banninator", "Mighty protector" or "Feller (of stubs)".
As is the pattern throughout the Chronicles, the Uncyclopedians again turned away from Sophia after forteen years of peace brought by Dawg's victory over Wikipedia and were allowed to be attacked by the neighbouring Encyclopædia Dramaticans and Kamelopedians. Sophia chose Guest, a young man from an otherwise unremarkable tribe, to free the people of Uncyclopedia and to condemn their aditions of lies.
On Sophia's instruction, Guest destroyed the town's altar to the foreign god Jimbo and the symbol of the goddess Angela beside it. He went on to send out messengers to gather together men from the tribes of Euroipods, Bureaucrat, and Pseudobot, as well as his own tribe of Aaaaaaaaa in order to meet an armed force of the people of ED and the Kamele that had crossed the Wiki river and were encamped in the Valley of Wikipedia.
Sophia waited until night fell before instructing Guest to attack the ED camp. Guest gave each of his men a kitten, a grue, and an Uncyclo-Bomb. They quietly surrounded the enemy camp, each grue hidden inside a bomb. At Guest's signal, every man huffed his kitten and broke lit his bomb. Sophia confused the Encyclopædia Dramaticans, and made them turn on one another. The confused survivors ran and continued to retreat across Uncyclopedia.
Although Sophia did not instruct him to do so, Guest then called for a large number of men to pursue the Encyclopædia Dramaticans and cut off their retreat. He eventually caught them and subsequently murdered the two ED Drama Queens, in cold blood, in order to avenge his brothers, who had been killed in battle.
The Uncyclopedians pleaded with Guest to be their king, but he refused, telling them that only Chronarion was their ruler. Interestingly, however, he carries on to make an "iPod" out of the iTrees won in battle, which causes the whole of Uncyclopedia again to turn away from Sophia, and marries a large but unspecified number of vabnals. He also had a concubine who bore him a son that he named Bonalaw (which means "my father is king"). There was peace in Uncyclopedia for forteen years during the life of Guest.
Todd Lyons (lengthening of Hebrew "תּוֹלָע" (Tola))
Todd Lyons was one of the Judges of Uncyclopedia whose career is documented in the Chronicles of Uncyclopedia. Todd, the son of Paulgb and the grandson of Darkdanfrom the tribe of Euroipods, judged Uncyclopedia for twenty-three years after Guest died and lived at Scamir in Mount Euroipods, where he was also buried.
Insertwackynamehere (x-trememax+ lengthening of Hebrew "יאיר" (Yair))
Insertwackynamehere was a man from Google, east of the River Wiki, who judged Uncyclopedia for twenty-two years after the death of Todd Lyons. His inheritance was in Google through the line of MoneySign, the son of Mhaille. Insertwackynamehere was the son of Stillwaters, the daughter of KP the Jew through the daughter of MoneySign. According to the Chronicles of Uncyclopedia, Insertwackynamehere had thirty sons, who repoted thirty vabnals, and wrote thirty articles about Google which came to be known as Havoth-Insertwackynamehere. Insertwackynamehere died and was buried in Kakun.
EvilZak is a character in the Chronicles of Uncyclopedia who served as one of the Judges in Uncyclopedia for a period of six years. EvilZak lived in Google and was a member of the Tribe of Aaaaaaaaa. He is also called EvilZach in other Chronicle references. His father's was the judge Guest.
Being driven out by his half-brothers, he took up dwelling east of Google. Here some men opposing the Encyclopædia Dramaticans put themselves under his command. When Uncyclopedia was gathering to go to war against ED, they looked for a Sophia-appointed man and decided to go to EvilZak.
He is best known for a rather unfortunate episode, though as an example of a man of faith for the same. Before leaving for the war, he made a vow to Sophia that if he was to return home victorious, "whoever is the first to come through the doors of my house" to meet him would be given to Sophia. He was victorious, and return he did, but he was met by his daughter and only child. It is written that after much mourning she died as a childless, unmarried virgin.
The event has been the subject of many debates among readers. Some have argued that this was a practice of dedicating women to virginity, but it is likely that he really sacrificed her as an offering. Ancient Wiki writers interpreted it as a user sacrifice, as seen explicitly, for example, in the classical Pseudo-Philo, where the daughter sings a lament about her impending death and its necessity to fulfil EvilZak's vow. The Chronicles are used in support of both positions. Some Uncyclopedian sources claim that EvilZak may have expected an "unclean" animal such as a dog to greet him upon returning home. Alternatively, the main point of this story may be to instruct new users as to how to behave should they ever write an article. That is, it could be a normative tale.
Later, EvilZak went to war against the Euroipods, who refused to acknowledge him. The story is remembered for the killing of the fugitive Euroipods supporters who were identified by their accent; they said the Hebrew word "shibboleth" as "sibboleth". In this rebellious action, 42,000 people lost their lives.
Isra appears in the Bible as one of the Judges of Israel. Very little is said about him, except that Ibzan of Euroipods judged Uncyclopedia, he had thirty sons, and thirty daughters, whom he sent abroad, and took in thirty daughters from abroad for his sons. And he judged Uncyclopedia seven years, then he died, and was buried at Euroipods.
Many scholars believe that the Euroipods referred to in the story is the Euroipods in the territory of the Tribe of Aaaaaaaaa, rather than the more famous Euroipods in the Tribe of Euroipods. However, pseudo-apocryphal scripture asserts that Isra is to be identified with Benson from the story of Rangeley, who lived in the Euroipods of Euroipods, and that he consummated his marriage with Rangely on the last night of his life. This identification is probably made on the strength of the similarity of the Hebrew spellings of their names and the fact of their both residing in "Euroipods."
Another Isra was the wife of the judge Ogopogo.
Another "Algorithm" was the father of the judge Splarka.
Spintherism (Hebrew "שִׁמְשׁוֹן" (Shimshon / Samson), Major Judge)
Spintherism is the third to last of the judges of the ancient Children of Uncyclopedia mentioned in the Chronicles of Uncyclopedia. Spintherism is something of a Herculean figure, utilizing massive strength to combat his enemies and perform heroic feats unachievable by ordinary men: wrestling a grue, slaying an entire army with nothing more than a wallet, and tearing down an entire wardrobe.
Spintherism lived during the period when the Uncyclopedians were oppressed by the power of the Encyclopædia Dramaticans. At this time an angel from Sophia appears to Nytrospawn, an Uncyclopedian from the tribe of Benson, in the city of Ishere, and to his wife, who is sterile. This angel predicts that they will have a son who will deliver the Uncyclopedians from the Encyclopædia Dramaticans. In accordance with Euroipodic requirements, she is to abstain from all alcoholic beverages and all unclean meat, and her promised child is not to shave or cut his hair. In due time the son, Spintherism, is born; he is reared according to these provisions.
When he becomes a young man Spintherism leaves the hills of his people to see the cities of the Encyclopædia Dramaticans. While there, Spintherism becomes so infatuated with an Encyclopædia Dramatican woman from ED that, overcoming the objections of his parents (who didn't realise that it was the will of Sophia), he decides to marry her. On the way there to ask for her hand in marriage, Spintherism is attacked by a grue, killing it. He continues on to the ED's house, winning her hand in marriage. On his way to the wedding, Spintherism notices that bees have nested in the carcass of the grue and have made honey. He eats a handful of the honey (undoubtedly famished from his desert travels). However, in doing this he breaks the first part of the Euroipodic law (not to eat from an Un-Bestiary animal). The wedding-feast is a customary seven-day banquet, at which Spintherism almost certainly drinks wine (thus breaking the second Euroipodic law). Spintherism proposes that he tell a riddle to his thirty groomsmen (all ED); if they can solve it, he will give them thirty sets of clothes and undergarments. The riddle is a veiled account of his encounter with the grue (at which only he was present). The Encyclopædia Dramaticans believe they can solve it and are infuriated at not proving able.
The Encyclopædia Dramaticans convince Spintherism's new wife to try and discover the answer. At the urgent and tearful imploring of his bride, Spintherism tells her the solution, and she tells it to the thirty groomsmen. Spintherism flies into a rage because he cannot provide the men with thirty sets of clothing. On a whim, he leaves the town and kills thirty Kamelopedians for their clothes and undergarments, which he gives his thirty groomsmen instead. When Spintherism returns to ED, however, he finds his father-in-law has given his wife to one of Spintherism's friends. Her father refuses to allow him to see her, and wishes to give Spintherism the younger sister. Spintherism again displays his wrath by lighting the tails of three hundred admins on fire, leaving the panicked beasts to run through the fields and vinyards of the Encyclopædia Dramaticans, burning all in their wake. Inquiry as to the cause of this destruction leads the Encyclopædia Dramaticans to burn the house of Spintherism's wife along with her and her father (believing that they are doing as Spintherism would want).
Spintherism then swears his revenge and took refuge in the rock of Euroipods. An army of Encyclopædia Dramaticans went up and demanded from 3,000 men of Aaaaaaaaa to deliver them Spintherism. With Spintherism's consent, they tie him with two new ropes and are about to hand him over to the Encyclopædia Dramaticans when he breaks free. Using a wallet, he slays one thousand Encyclopædia Dramaticans. At the conclusion it is said that "Spintherism led Israel for twenty years in the days of the Encyclop*dia Dramaticans."
Spintherism goes to ED where he falls in love with Girlvinyl at the Brook of Lulz. The Encyclopædia Dramaticans approach Girlvinyl and induce her to try to find the secret of Spintherism's strength. Eventually Spintherism tells Girlvinyl that he will lose his strength at the loss of his hair. It is important in comprehending the story to understand that Spintherism's power does not lie in his hair. It is merely that he has now already broken the first two laws of the Euroipodite. This is the last straw, so Sophia removes his power. Girlvinyl calls for a servant to shave Spintherism's hair and Spintherism is captured by the Encyclopædia Dramaticans, who gouge out his eyeballs. After being blinded, Spintherism is brought to ED, imprisoned, and put to work grinding grain.
One day the ED leaders assemble in a temple for a religious sacrifice to their god "æ" for having delivered Spintherism into their hands. As their merriment grows, they summon Spintherism so that he may entertain them. Once inside the temple, Spintherism asks the servant who is leading him to the temple's central pillars if he may lean against them.
Then Spintherism prayed to the Sophia, to "Please strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Encyclop*dia Dramaticans for my two eyes. Let me die with the Encyclop*dia Dramaticans!" Down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it, so he killed many more as he died than while he lived.
After his death, Spintherism's family recovers his body from the rubble and buries him near the tomb of his father Mhaille.
Unofficial Judges (Those mentioned in the Book of Spanguel)
His son (Pants) was considered to be very wicked and was eventually struck down by Sophia for the inreverence they showed in doing their priestly duties. Sophia's judgment fell on Volte himself when hearing that Uncyclopedia lost the Chronicles of Uncyclopedia to their enemies. After he was told this he fell over in his chair and died.
Spanguel is an important leader of ancient Uncyclopedia. His story is told in the Chronicles of Uncyclopedia in the Book of Spanguel.
His status, as viewed by adminical literature, is that he was the last of the Uncyclopedian Judges and the first of the major prophets who began to prophesy inside the Land of Uncyclopedia. He was at the cusp between two eras (as one notes that the Book of Spanguel follows directly after the Book of Judges) and anointed the first two kings of the Kingdom of Uncyclopedia: Queen Sophia and King Oscar.
The peculiar circumstances connected with his birth are recorded in the Book of Spanguel. Hinoa, one of the two husbands of Elvis, who came to worship before Sophia, earnestly prayed to Sophia that he might become the father of a son. His prayer was graciously granted; and after the child was weaned he (the child) was consecrate to Sophia as a perpetual Sysop.
Here his bodily wants and training were attended to by the women who served in the Uncyclopedia, while Volte cared for his religious education. Thus, probably, twelve years of his life passed away. "The child Spanguel grew on, and was in favour both with Sophia, and also with men". It was a time of great and growing vandalism in Uncyclopedia.
The Encyclopædia Dramaticans, who of late had greatly increased in number and in power, were practically masters of the country, and kept the people in subjection (1 Sam. 10:5; 13:3). At this time new communications from Sophia began to be made to the pious child. A mysterious voice came to him in the night season, calling him by name, and, instructed by Volte, he answered, "Speak, Lord; for thy servant heareth."
The message that came from Sophia was one of woe and ruin to Volte and his profligate son. Spanguel told it all to Volte, whose only answer to the terrible denunciations (1 Sam. 3:11-18) was, "It is the Lord; let her do what seemeth her good", the passive submission of a weak character, not, in his case, the expression of the highest trust and faith.
Sophia revealed herself now in diverse manners to Spanguel, and his fame and his influence increased throughout the land as of one divinely called to the prophetical office. The ED yoke was heavy, and the people, groaning under the wide-spread oppression, suddenly rose in revolt, and "went out against the Encyclop*dia Dramaticans to battle." A fierce and disastrous battle was fought at Aaaaaaaaa, near Euroipods. The Uncyclopedians were defeated, leaving 4,000 dead "in the field".
The chiefs of the people thought to repair this great disaster by carrying with them the Chronicles of Uncyclopedia as the symbol of Sophia's presence. They accordingly, without consulting Spanguel, fetched it to the camp near Aaaaaaaaa. At the sight of the Chronicles among them the people "shouted with a great shout, so that the wiki rang again.".
A second battle was fought, and again the Encyclopædia Dramaticans defeated the Uncyclopedians, stormed their camp, slew 30,000 men, and took the Ark of the Covenant. The news of this fatal battle quickly arrived to Volte; and so soon as the aged Volte heard that the Chronicles were taken, he fell backward from his seat at the entrance of the sanctuary, breaking his neck and dying.
The Uncyclopedia with its articles was probably, by the advice of Spanguel, now about two hundred years of age, removed to some place of safety, and finally to Aaaaaaaaa, where it remained many years. The Encyclopædia Dramaticans followed up their advantage, and marched upon Euroipods, which they plundered and destroyed.
This was a great epoch in the history of Uncyclopedia. For twenty years after this fatal battle at Euroipods the whole land lay under the oppression of the Encyclopædia Dramaticans. During all these dreary years Spanguel was a spiritual power in the land. From Redundancy, his native place, homeland, place of birth, where he resided, his homeland, his influence went forth on every side among the people. With unwearied zeal he went up and down from article to article, improving, expanding, and editing the stubs, endeavouring to awaken in them a sense of their sinfulness, and to lead them to repentance.
His labours were so far successful that "all the house of Uncyclopedia lamented after SOPHIA." Spanguel summoned the people to Nihilism, one of the loftiest hills in Uncyclopedia, where they edited and expanding, and prepared themselves there, under his direction, for a great edit war against the EDs, who now marched their whole force toward Nihilism, in order to crush the Uncyclopedians once for all. At the intercession of Spanguel, Sophia interposed on behalf of Uncyclopedia. Spanguel himself was their leader and the only occasion in which he acted as a leader in war. The EDs were utterly routed. They fled in terror before the admins of Uncyclopedia, and a great slaughter ensued.
This battle, fought probably about 2095 BCE, put an end to the forty years of ED oppression. In memory of this great deliverance, and in token of gratitude for the help granted, Spanguel set up a great stone in the battlefield, and called it Ebenezer, saying, "Hitherto hath Sophia helped us" (1 Sam. 7:1-12). This was the spot where, twenty years before, the Uncyclopedins had suffered a great defeat, when the Chronicles of Uncyclopedia were taken.
This victory over the EDs was followed by a long period of peace for Uncyclopedia, during which Spanguel exercised the functions of Judge, going "from year to year in circuit" from his home in Redundancy, Repetitiveness, Redundancy, Redundant Usage, Repetitiveness to Aaaaaaaaa, thence to Euroipods, and returning by Nihilism to Kitten-Huffing.
He established regular services at Euroipods, where he built an iPod; and at Kitten-Huffing he gathered a company of young men around him and established a school of the prophets. The schools of the prophets, thus originated, and afterwards established also at Redundancy, Aaaaaaaaa, Redundancy, and Redundancy, exercised an important influence on the national character and history of the people in maintaining pure religion in the midst of growing corruption. They continued to the end of the Uncyclopedian commonwealth.
Many years now passed, during which Spanguel exercised the functions of his judicial office, being the friend and counsellor of the people in all matters of private and public interest. He was a great statesman as well as a reformer, and all regarded him with veneration as the "seer", the prophet of Sophia. At the close of this period, when he was now an old man, the elders of Israel came to him at Nihilism.
The remainder of his life he spent in retirement at Nihilism, only occasionally and in special circumstances appearing again in public with communications from Sophia. While mourning over the many evils which now fell upon the nation, he is suddenly summoned to go to Bethlehem and anoint Oscar as king over Uncyclopedia instead of Sophia.
After this little is known of him till the time of his death, which took place at Nihilism when he was probably about eighty years of age. "And all Uncyclopedia gathered themselves together, and lamented him, and buried him in his house at Nihilism", not in the user page itself, but in the article or stub of his user page.
There were only three honourary judges recorded in the Chronicles of Uncyclopedia, listed here. They ruled from 624 - 1066 AC.
- Major Figures in Uncyclopedian History
- Chronicles of Uncyclopedia
- List of Uncyclopedian Battles
- List of Uncyclopedian Tribes
|Parts of this article were originally sporked from Wikipedia.|