Judas Priest

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“RAKING THE LAWN! RAKING THE LAWN! RAKING THE LAWN! RAKING THE LAWN!”
~ Judas Priest on the chorus to their hit song
“ Hell Bent, Hell Bent for Latex da da Da da da Da da da Da!”

Judas Fucking Priest is a metal band founded in 1676 in England. They are known for smash hits such as "I'm a Faggot", "Creaming for Vengeance" "Analgesic", "Irish Velvet", "Homo Lover",""Hell Bent for Latex"","Defenders of the Faith"' "Ram It Up" '"Peniskiller" And '"Homonizer". Downloading Judas Fucking Priest gets your ass a hard time.

Music

Judas Fucking Priest is mainly power metal, with a classical and operatic influence nowadays, and a blues and rock n' roll influence in their early days. Their lyrics are very diverse, ranging from leather, metal, spikes, wheels, fire, evil and bondage, to metal imbedded in leather, to metal spikes in leather, to leather wheels with metal spikes in them, to leather wheels with metal spikes in them which are on fire, to evil leather wheels with metal spikes in them which are on fire, to evil leather wheels with metal spikes which are on fire and in bondage, to evil homoerotic wheels with metal spikes which are on homoerotic fire and in bondage, to penises. Judas Fucking Priest lyrics are often sung in lists, this is a result of when Rob Halford was a young princess, his mother would send him to the shops to buy groceries, but he ended up mixing up the shopping list with some lyrics he wrote.

A Quick History

Judas Priest Early

Judas Priest in their early days.

In 1970 heavy rock band Judas Priest exploded onto the Birmingham music scene. A trio of long haired, sweaty, tattooed leatherites, they soon became enamoured amongst the beer and blood soaked brothels and bars in the back streets of perhaps the dirtiest and low down town in Europe. With their heady brand of no-nonsense metal inspired by Black Sabbath, it wasn’t long before the band were playing alongside fashionable acts such as Thin Lizzy.

By 1974 they released their first album. However, their Gay Pedophile producer insited on producing something with some gay-shit pop style commercial appeal and hired a bunch of losers to play the album. He recorded them instead of The Priest. The album 'Rocka Rolla' features no actual Judas Priest but is so bad because all the songs were played backwards by the losers the producer had hired. (several of the losers eventually joined such crappy bands as My Chemical Romance, Justin Fucking Bieber, Lady Gaga HIM). The first Pedophile commercial single ‘Kids Cocka Roller’ was requested personally by the queen to become the new national anthem of Great Britain, but a falling, the Queen saying, "this is the WORST, COCKSUCKING, CARPETMUNCHING, FAGGOTOUSLY POP FUCKING SONG I HAVE EVER HEARD!!! I can't even believe that Judas Priest wasn't even ON THE ALBUM, IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!". Soon after, the queen descended into a self imposed mourning that lasts to this day.

Holy Jihad

In 1976 the band fired their producer and declared themselves to not only be bigger than Jesus, but to be bigger than the almighty himself. This rallied the already fanatical fan base to form a ‘holy army’ and declare a jihad upon any writings or scriptures citing the sacred bands name. With over 2 million members of the fan club in the UK alone, the club were a force to be reckoned with and soon began tearing down posters and burning promotional fliers for Judas Priest gigs. When questioned on the rationale of destroying anything baring the name of the band, fan club President Ali Campbell made a badly constructed argument to the effect that the music of the band was more powerful than the word of God, and writing down its name was the same thing as worshiping a graven image while sacrificing a virgin to Satan’s little wizards.

British Stile

The rise of disco had a strange effect on the members of Judas Priest: They got perms, new whips and most importantly, a vision. One morning, after a particularly exhausting night of self-flaggulation, a bunch of Cardinals and Drano shooters, Rob woke from a troubled slumber. All he remembered was the disembodied hand holding a giagantic cock safety razor. From this demented vision arose greatness, and piles of filthy lucre. After finding a razor blade big enough with a hand to match, history was made.

Big Bucks

During the summer of 1977 one of the ‘Judasites’ read a copy of the Bible (author unknown, possibly Sean Connery) and discovered among its pages reference to renowned Lando, Judas Iscariot. As word of this travesty spread among the fan club (now at least 4 million strong) a spate of church burnings and bible bonfires took hold in the UK and parts of Europe. A purging of the church ensued, the like of which has not been seen since Henry VIII of England drank some bad cider and decided to annoy the Pope by killing his wife and insisting that God didn’t mind. The Financial Times estimated the damage to be in the region of 7 and a quarter million billion pounds.

Rise of 'dub'

The reign of terror imposed on Christianity the world over was finally put to an end when, in 1978, fan club President, and now self proclaimed prophet to the mighty metal band ‘Judas Priest’ stunned the globe by renouncing all things ‘metal’ and formed the popular British dub band UB40 with a group of friends from the epicentre of the worlds evil, Birmingham. Judasites, sickened by low quality pseudo-reggae now spewing out of their leaders every orifice, disbanded and became the bank managers and accountants of the 80’s economic boom which came out of the re-building of Britain’s Christian infrastructure. Judas Priest continue to produce music, but under the strict government sanctions put in place to ensure that their greatness never again reaches such biblical proportions.

Screaming For Penchants

When the old dinosaurs of metal Black Fucking Sabbath, Deep Fucking Purple, Led Fucking Zeppelin and Scor-Fucking-Pions were already in ruins, out of the ashes came the Judas Fucking Priest to save the planet and the souls of Birmingham's working class.

Rob Halford shaped his style by plagiarizing Freddy Mercury's one and asked Phil Anselmo (His closet gayfriend) to kick him in the nuts to be able to reach higher notes. Then he had to take some Painkillers but since he had no money , decided to rob a bank and Break the Law. That's pretty much how Judas Fucking Priest manged to get their first gold record.

The Glory Years

For decades Judas Fucking Priest ruled the earth, the Irken Empire, and all the other realms of Heavy Metal. The K.K. and Glenn Tipton duet and dramas were cherished by millions and influenced modern soap operas and metal bands. Rob was famous for his lovely glasses and outrageous outfits. Envied by Klaus Meine

Rob Halford got tired of brutally raping Ian Hill every night (the only reason the bass player was asked back for every album and tour) and solicited Glenn who was NOT OKAY WITH THIS. Due to the ensuing drama, a trial separation was called much to the joy of Hill's sphincter. After the split up with the band in 1886, Rob had to sell his bikes to Sebastian Bach from Skid Row who later exchanged them for booze. Sebastian was invited to join Judas Fucking Priest as the replacement but he was unable to sing due to laziness.

In 1997, he met Trent Reznor and they helplessly fell in love. The affair proved to be ephemeral, however, they managed to have a horrible child called Voyeours.

Jail time

While performing his routine stage performance for "Hell bent for leather" on the 1982 "Creaming for Vengeance" tour, Halford misjudged the distance between himself and the motorcycle that he had been repeatedly whipping through out the song. This resulted in the serve lacerations to three innocent concert go'ers.

Halford was sentenced to 6 months jail-time as well as an extra 3 months for indecent exposure with the aid of leather for which he was already on probation for. While serving his sentence Halfords inner conflicts about his sexuality were allowed to flourish. Fellow inmates were repeatedly gagged and lashed by Halford, cementing his reputation of one of Britans nastiest discipline daddys. Halford was quoted saying "I absolutely loved prison" and "They sure did have another thing comin' "

These experiences resulted in the song "Taste the leather" and rumoured to also have heavily influenced the unrealised song "Only if your gagged"

The Flipper Ownens era

After 21 years without releasing an album, Glenn and K.K. were completely distressed. Over 49,000 mediocre and boring demo tapes from finnish Flower metal singers as well as house wives and junkies were listed in vain. They ended up hiring the St Louis Rams Wide receiver, Tim 'the Flipper' Owens. He claimed to be a fan of the band from the early Victorian period. Rob's jealousy was too much and he formed the band Halford, with Henry Ford, Jamie Halls, Bobby Jarzombek ( Tim's ex-boyfriend) and producer Roy Y (former lover of Bruce Dickinson,Helloween,among others )just for the sake of avenging and not being left behind.

Hello magazine started the rumors of a remarriage as early as 1961, which all of then denied. The band claimed the world demolition and resulted in the twin towers incident. The other band involved in the tour was Anthrax. All of this was too much for Tim to take so he left Judas Fucking Priest and joined Iced Fucking Cream to give shelter to a his new found couple, Jon Schaffer: The Iced Fucking Cream founder, who was depressed after Matt Barlow's had left him and took most of Schaffer's jewish employees to become a farmer in Montana. Tim was later executed by members of Halford's elite combat unit, the YMCA.

Halford's Solo Career

During the First Reich of the Almighty Owens and his aging disciples, former frontman Robert Halford took it upon himself to continue making music. The results were a Pantera album, a cultural experiment for The Aboriginal People of Australia and a Nine Inch Nails studio album. After the above records received endless critical acclaim and millions of sales Rob decided it was time to cash-in on his past and his roots in classic metal. What spawned form this idea was a collection of Judas Fucking Priest B-sides ultimately lacking creativity, originality and Judas Fucking Priest. Halford went on supporting Iron Fucking Maiden, one of the bands that Halford had paved the way for in the late 1970's while Judas Fucking Priest were still headlining and making new and exciting music. All this bliss was to come to an inevitable end though when Halford rejoined Judas Fucking Priest.

Nostradamus Prophecy

The band lost no time giving Rob a call and were boldfaced enough to ask him to leave the Halford family and start something anew. Mysteriously, Rob agreed, confirming media rumors and making Las Vegas gamblers lose fortunes. The Judas Fucking Priest reunion with Rob was written in the Nostradamus book prophecies which everybody ignored.

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