Judas Iscariot
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“He wasn't such a bad guy. Without him, there'd be no MR. T. Think about it.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Judas
“I don't believe you! You're a liar... play me fucking loud!”
~ Bob Dylan on Judas
“Of course he was a Jew but he had a massive ****!”
~ Hitler on Judas
“What did Jesus drink at the last supper? Juadas's carry oot. Get it?”
~Anonymous
“I never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories”
~ Judas on his betrayel
“Was crucifixion an inside job?”
~ Apostol on crucifixion
Judas "Fudge-Cakes" Iscariot (also known as Clive Lennard) was the ship Gunner of the Apostle,also a douch bag that no one liked.
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[edit] Life
Judas Christ was born in 5 A.D. a Captain in Zuno evil space fleet after jesus had a massive space battle that end with the Zuno fleet retreating Jesus crashed on earth.(the fallion star was the space pod). Judas said he was the engine worker and quickly tried to get into Jesus groupbut was teased for being a Douche. after several years jesus found his team who had also crashed on earth. With their help they repaired the Space Pod.But under orders from Zuno Judas(AKA Douche Bag) he told on Jesus. Then jesus was taken when they put him on the cross his Last words were beam me up scottie. Judas was then beaten in a Lightsaber battle by Jesus who escaped his death. Judas is now Darth Vader after being Burnt by a joke. He is also currently married to a HP Laserjet 1200 series printer.
Judas changed his surname after being frequently confused with the boy down the street, another "J. Christ" to whom he was unrelated. He gave his reasons for the new name thus:
- Tell me Iscariot doesn't sound a damn sight harder than that Christ shit: (singsong) "ooh, look at me, I'm little Judas Christ." But Iscariot is hardcore. Iscariot is old school. Iscariot is (gestures with thumbs, hips) gouge your eyes out and fuck the sockets, you know? Plus I like that echo of "carrion" in there. All in all, it's got a nice doom-and-gloom feel to it. Sounds like the kind of guy who'd sell you out and nail you to the wall if you crossed him. (laughs) But don't get me wrong, I'm not like that, that's just the metalhead talking. I'm a nice guy, a loyal friend, you know? "Love thy neighbour as thyself, that's what I say.
- Anyhow, it was that or just change the first letter, maybe to "Priest".
Ironically, Judas later became good friends with his homonymic neighbour.
On his first name, Judas remarks:
- Look, you stress both syllables. None of this JUDE-as. Both syllables. Do you know any prosody? It's a spondee. That means you say them both equally. Like chewed ass. Say it. (pause) I said say it, dickhead. (grabs interviewer by throat) Listen to me! It's like chewed ass. Say that. CHEWED ASS. That's my name.
[edit] Nat loves Judas
Nat Stephenson IS A BIG GAY POOF THAT LOVES JUDAS. HE EVEN HAS A SHITTY BELT THAT HAS HIS NAME ON IT.
(The Writer of this message has since apologised. He admitted he didn't understand what humour quite was.)
[edit] How it All Began
Judas always hoped that he'd be part of the Holy Band, Slayer , even before Jesus picked him for his lineup. Jesus hardly sang about himself, although after some sweet loving from Judas, they did released a hit single, titled "Jesus Saves" as a single, with "Moses Invests" on the flip side. Judas was immediately appointed chief drumming officer and financial advisor to the band. As such, he could procure to procure the best quality drugs, weed, and vitamins for his fellow band members at reasonable prices.
[edit] Judas Notices Things Getting Sou-ou-wah
Within a few years, after playing several successful road trips throughout Southern California, Judas noticed that the band leader, Jesus, was beginning to get really depressed and seemed to be somewhat out of it. Jesus kept mumbling incoherently about how his estranged middle-aged Mexican father was trying to get him arrested. Also, Jesus would occasionally go berserk for no apparent reason, and would often accuse the Apostles, especially Judas, of plotting behind his back. This petty squabbling took a heavy toll on Judas' limited song-writing abilities.
[edit] Judas Tries to Go Straight, But for Naught
Finally, Judas decided enough was enough. after being hiltered by jesus the night before had created a blaster whish he then shot Jesus in the leg before taking him to the police.
[edit] Canonization
After Judas' death, he became the central figure of the Christian religion. For his role in saving Christendom from Jesus and his irresponsible parking practices, Judas was hailed as the Christ and Messiah. At midnight every December 25, on Judasmas, Christians celebrate the arrest of Jesus by filling the parking lots of their local churches with oversized SUVs. Catholics refer to Judas as "Saint Judas the Awesometastic, Patron Saint of Rockitude and Strict Liability."
