Juan Pablo Montoya
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| Boy, You are a Terrible Driver Noy! Is your name by chance uhhh <insert name here>? Heh! Heh! Heh! I'm on Fire! Help Me I'm on Fire! |
“NASCAR is the new Formula One and Juan Pablo Montoya is the Latino version of Joey Logano”
Juan Pablo "Mexican Bastard" Montoya is the little Mexican bastard owns a five-star restaurant in Farmers Branch, Texas and insists on every third Sunday of month being Latino night. Montoya insists that Barack Obama finally realizes that basketball will never replace soccer or car racing when visiting his millionaire's crack house in Miami, Florida (purchased from a certain Mr. Tommy Vercetti on September 10, 2001). He likes his mother, I Love Lucy, Christianity, Colombian crack and Colombian coffee (for which he simply calls 'caw-feeee'). After leaving the McDonald's racing team in the middle of 2006, Juan entered the Bush (now called the Notion Wide) series of NASCAR. Much to his surprise, his excellent racing skills were discovered to be crazy enough good enough to take him to the highest level, where he gets to race alongside the rednecks who consider him as the "brother" that they couldn't have because he wasn't already "in the family."
The only places where Juan Pablo Montoya is a hero are Japan, any Spanish speaking country, and (oddly enough) in Italy where they like anyone who can drive more than 200 miles per hour without getting a speeding ticket. Despite his incredible image, the unlicensed and totally pirated Super NES game Juan Pablo Montoya's No Fear Racing only sold 250 copies (and got banned in Iowa for teaching that science is more important than religion). People knew that it was NASCAR Racing 2003 except it was in Spanish and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. was replaced with Juan Pablo Montoya driving in his #42 Department of Homeland Security Honda Civic with his crew chief being called I. Willdeportya.
Montoya is married to Connie Freydall, who cooks American-style roast beef and mashed potatoes for her husband after every race (trying to get him to eat American as opposed to Mexican). They have two sons, Rey Mysterio and the Spanish announcer that always does those fútbol football soccer matches on Gol TV. In his free time he is enjoys blogging about professional wrestling, which he insists is a real sport. Montoya was a full time racer on the Potato Chip Grease racing team, where he learned to release his inner redneck and become one with the beer. When Teddy Ruxpin bought 50% of the team, the name changed to Potato Chip Grease Racing With Foreigners. By foreigners, they meant anyone who wasn't born in the United States or Canada. Dale Earnhardt Senior's widow purchased the team in 2009 and turned all the Dodge vehicles in the world into Chevrolet vehicles.
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[edit] Career
[edit] 2007
Juan's first racing gig of 2007 involved him driving a race car for 24 hours straight with his teammate Duran Duran. This extremely long and boring practice exciting session was an actually an unsanctioned race against John Andretti. After the race, Andretti got a carburetor stuffed down his lungs by Montoya afterwards for being a drunken loser. Duran Duran eventually did the post-game entertainment show; with free beer for anyone who spoke to the bartender in Spanish without using a word of English.
At the 2007 running of the Daytona 500, Mr. Montoya was stopped by some INS agents. They asked for a Mr. Juan Pablo Montoya and when he pitted at the 200th lap, they had "confidential government information" that the only dirt racing Mr. Montoya had done was smuggling drugs through Central America, and that he was in the country illegally. However, after showing them his passport, a $100 Wal-Mart gift card, and a bribe that consists of a bible, a Playboy magazine, and a $500 gift certificate at Sears, the investigation was terminated and the government personally apologized to him (realizing that they made up everything just to avert media attention from that war in Iraq).
After winning the Bush series race in Mexico City, Juan Pablo found Prince Albert in a can and ran for dictator in British Columbia. Unfortunately, he lost the election and his racing has suffered recently. After doing badly at the race in Talladega, Juan was notified that he will never will a race in an oval track. While this upsetted Montoya at first, he realizes that Jeff Gordon will never win a road course, things returned back to normal and he went to his trailer to masturbate to Jennifer Lopez.
On June of 2007, Juan Pablo Montoya finally won his first NASCAR victory at Infinite Speedway in Silicon Valley, California. The rest of the summer was spent fending off death threats from Ricky Bobby and Darrell Waltrip, so he summoned the dark arts and created a television so that he would watch Pokemon. Meanwhile, his evil twin was making him lose races, so when Superman released him from the curse, they was no way to win the championship. Therefore, Montoya's goal for next year (2008) is to end the season in 13th place so that his little wife can make a trophy for him. That would be a big improvement from 2007 for him.
[edit] 2008
After being given award for being NASCAR's resident greaseball, wetback, and spic, Juan Pablo is focusing on eventually winning an oval track. He is training himself by playing Gran Turismo 4 and Pole Position. At the Daytona 500 this year, he actually finished the race. He is expected to finish all 40 races this year while filming his new advertisements for Taco Bell, Tourism Mexico, Spike Lee's Nike sneaker commercials (featuring Air Juan Pablos), and the newest Batman movie all the same time. In the Batman movie, he plays the Joker while Heath Ledger does his voice from beyond the grave. Since Juan Pablo Montoya is a racer and not a "real celebrity," Heath Ledger would get the Oscar by default. During the 2008 season, it was revealed that Juan Pablo Montoya uses heroin. While racing at the Wizard of Oz 500 at Kansas City, he used heroin to go faster. NASCAR disallowed his fastest lap time of 15 seconds and made him go to the back of the pack. Since cheating is not allowed in NASCAR (neither is Cheat-O-Matic on NASCAR 09), Juan Pablo was put in the "Hall of Shame" in Kansas City along with the Wicked Witch of the West, Osama bin Laden, Bill Clinton, and the 1978 Paramount Television logo.
Prior to the start of the 2008 season, he had sex with Casey Mears' girlfriend. Using the skills that he learned on MacGuyver (the show he used to learn how to understand English), he got the NASCAR world to believe that Casey Mears is going to have a bastard child in October. With the special DNA manipulation gear that he bought from a defunct genetics lab for a buck, he extracted Casey Mears' DNA and applied to his sperm before putting his big olive dick inside the pussy of Casey Mears' female companion. By the time Casey Mears returned to his unwed better half, Juan Pablo took his flying motorcycle and flew off to Talladega.
[edit] 2009
As of 2009, there has been some merging of racing teams due to the Second Great Depression. Potato Chip Grease Racing With Foreigners officially become Potato Chip Grease Racing With Foreigners and Teresa Earnhardt on January 1, 2009 at 12:01 in the morning. Juan Pablo will have new white friends to race around in circles with 500 times including Martin True-ass Junior (his ass has not been surgically implanted). Where there were rumours on the blog sites that Juan Pablo Montoya's new ride was going to be the the #42 Barney y Sus Amigos Chevrolet Aveo, there was never deal to use 80-horsepower piece of shit in its NASCAR debut. It's going to send that bastard back to Mexico where he belongs instead someday because he's certainly not American. General Motors went bankrupt because he kept wrecking all these Chevrolet Impala SS vebicles.
Recently, Juan tried to read "The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas" but found it too hard because there was no pictures and none of the words were in Spanish; just English and German. NASCAR declared him illiterate and made him do a 30-page essay on the history of NASCAR in order to get his "literate Mexican" status back. Otherwise, he would have been stripped of his license and booted back to Mexico. Juan has never had swine flu and will never go back to his homeland of Mexico just for the swine flu experience. The swine flu did cancel the Mexican Grand Prix for the next 30 years and Juan is a bit pissed off about that because he used to eat fresh Canadian pork after the race. Montoya has also signed up for Wikipedia and frequently writes about himself. He also vandalized pages about Kevin Harvick and Jimmie Johnson. As a Wikipedian, Juan has improved his literacy skills (but in Spanish). He can still not read books without pictures or Spanish in them. Here is the secret: Juan Pablo Montoya used Spanish Wikipedia; not English Wikipedia. Instead of using the worl "bi-otch", Juan refers to people who attempt to revert his "fine work" as mi hija.
Juan's latest project is to read all 1,001 chapters of La Singularidad está Cerca by Raymond Kurzweil (all of them in Spanish without a word of English to confuse old Juan Pablo). People did not realize it was a cover-up to frame Kyle Busch by buying cannabis with Kurt Busch and placing the illegal drugs in Kyle's locker (causing a Mr. Mike Helton to get angry and kick him out NASCAR indefinitely).
[edit] Strengths
- like fast cars (he's been to Formula 1)
- likes women is married to Connie Freydall former hottie model
- like fast music
- will wreck other cars
- speaks decent English but can hardly read a word of it
- knows what one plus two plus negative three in both Spanish and English
- has three pet chupacabras
- weighs just a bit more than his NASCAR automobile
- has a cool paint scheme
- likes to take out pompous jerks like Kyle Busch and Kevin Harvick
[edit] Weaknesses
- can't drive American vehicles unless inside a track that turns left AND right
- believe that FTA satellite television is better than digital cable
- he still says baseball as two words (base ball as opposed to baseball)
- applied to be a member of The Justice League of Jesus but was denied because he refused to accept English as the official language of the League
- Books without pictures are too hard for him to read (unless they're in Spanish)
- Juan has 16 real teeth and talks like Skeletor from He-Man
- His great-grandfather was turned down admission to America for having AIDS (100 years ahead of time). Instead, he ended up going to Mexico where people never cared.
- His kind were proud of the jobs that got through American/Canadian companies outsourcing all those years until the recession of '08 came. They even lost all their jobs in Mexico anyway and they still worry about them 16 years later in the year 2025.
