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Hi, kids! Welcome to Military Training with Joseph Kony! I'm Joseph Kony, the one and only, "Kony The Ugandan Hero". And it's so very splediwonderiffic to have you with me today! Before we begin, I just want to let you know that you shouldn't pay any mind to those guards by the door. They may look big and scary, but they've been instructed to shoot you only if you misbehave. Second, I don't want those chains on your feet to any way hinder your ability to have the utmost fun in this session. You can clap and cheer and sing praises to my name all you want!
Yep. All you want, anytime you want.
No clapping or cheering or praises? It's all right. I'll
force encourage it from you later.
Now, the first and most important thing you need to know about before you join my team is the golden rule of forgiveness. It might have been a little dickish for me to kill your families and burn your villages down, but I'm human. I make mistakes, and making those mistakes several thousand times without any sign of remorse shouldn't make it any harder for you to say "I forgive you" when I apologize. So, let's try it out right now. I'm sorry.
You're... a quiet bunch... aren't you?
Sergeant Charlie, break it down for these niglets.
Yo, yo, yo. So, I love you. You love me. Let's march around in our insurgency!
The government is bad. We are not. And so we must fight them 'til their atrocities stop!
What is an atrocity? Oh, that's easy. It's when you mutilate and murder for no good reason.
When you burn down private property and pillage without a care. Yes, we've done most of that ourselves, but we're the good guys, I swear!
So with a great big slap and a threat from me to you... Won't you say you'll join the crew?
Now that you all have been inspired by Charlie's wonderful rhymes, we can finally move on to the first step of becoming an official Kony-trained soldier! Hooray! I can see that some of you have already wet your pants in excitement! No? It's from the fear of having a purple dinosaur point a gun at you? Well, we all have our stimuli. Let's move on.
Now, as we all know, the most joyously fun aspect of warfare is the thrilling sensation you get after blowing the brains out of your enemy! You need special tools for that sort of thing, however, and being the generous guy I am, I plan to provide you with those tools free of charge! You heard me right! I'm giving them away out of the kindness of my big beautiful heart!
Still not sure where I'm going? Let me put it in more familiar terms!
You get a gun! You get a gun! You all get guns! Grenades, knives, we'll have the whole shebang available to you, my lucky elementary-age audience! Don't bother asking your neighbor to pinch you! This is not a dream! This is the real motherfucker! Isn't this the most grand day of your entire life? Judging by the awkward silence, I'm going to assume it is!
Though I know you must be anxious to try out your new presents, I must warn you that despite what you might think, weapons can be very dangerous when used improperly. They're like those small toys that your parents tell you not to swallow, only if you swallow your grenade, having it stuck in your throat will be the least of your worries.
I repeat: DO NOT EAT YOUR GRENADE. We've lost too many men to those shiny little bastards.
Otherwise, though, go nuts! These are your handheld means of destruction from here on out, and once you're in combat, they'll grow to be your best friends, even bestier friends than me.
Just kidding. You'll never have bestier friends than me.
edit Warfare is Magic
So, come on! We're going on an adventure through the battlefields of Uganda! Isn't that lovely? Now, now, don't cry. You're a soldier now. Soldiers don't cry. I SAID DON'T CRY! You don't want me to have my guards give you boys a reason to cry. That wouldn't be fun now, would it? There. That's better.