Joseph Haydn

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“I have nothing to declare except WAR ON AUSTRIA”

~ Oscar Wilde on War on Austria

“His string quartets are better than mine? Well ya know what? I'm deaf. So I think it's pretty damn good that I composed so much as a scherzo, not to mention NEARLY TEN SYMPHONIES, AN OPERA, 32 PIANO SONATAS AND A SHITLOAD OF OTHER CRAP I DON'T FEEL LIKE BRAGGING ABOUT.”

~ Ludwig van Beethoven on jealousy of Haydn

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Joseph Haydn.

[edit] Early Achievements

• Writing a Salve Regina in twelve parts
• Inventing the didgeridoo and the synthesizer
• Becoming an expert sight-reader, singer, and player of the clavier, violin, and organ
• Learning to make his voice shake (trill) when bribed with cherries that were ‘’not’’ genetically engineered
• Narrowly avoiding castration

Mike Franz Joseph Ferdinand Prometheus Luxury-Yacht Xavier Bach Haydn (1732-1809)was a German or Austrian composer, hobgoblin, ecstasy addict and practical-joker who was very popular in 18th century Vienna. He was the only son of Johann Sebastian Bach who changed his last name in order to find better luck in the music business. when asked about his parents he would reply that his farther was a wheel and his mother was a bridge support off the M9. Haydn fathered over one hundred symphonies. Before, symphonies were orphans. Some of these include:

[edit] Works

Symphony No. 3, "Saucy Bitch" (1745)

Symphony No. 13, "Wankel rotary engine" (1762)

Symphony No. 22, "Chamber Pot" (1764)

Symphony No. 39, "Maritza" (1766)

Symphony No. 44, "Nightmare" (1770)

Symphony No. 45, "Matches" (1772)

Symphony No. 46, "Esterházy is a nob" (1769)

Symphony No. 59, "Firemen" (before 1769)

Symphony No. 70, "Firecracker"(1779)

Symphony No. 82, "The Chicken" (1786)

Symphony No. 88 "Oxfordton" (1787)

Symphony No. 92, "Monkey Business" (1789)

Symphony No. 94, "Surprise! Surprise! look who shat themselves now" (1791)

Symphony No. 96 "Mozart's dead! How terrible. It shall be named miracle." (1791)

Symphony No. 98 attributed to his brother, Mitch.(1792)

Symphony No. 100, "Aereal" (1794)

Symphony No. 101, "The Witch" (1794)

Symphony No. 102 "Ugly Duckling"(1795)

Symphony No. 103, "Hangover" (1795)

Symphony No. 104, "Live at London" (1795)

String Quartet No. 45 "Toad"

String Quartet No. 48 "Wet Dream"

String Quartet No. 67 "Pancake"

String Quartet No. 73 "Sunset"

String Quartet No. 73 "10ths"

String Quartet No. 73 "quentin tarantino"

String Quartet No. 82 "Electric Shaver"

String Quartet No. 84 "Eastern European Swallow"

String Quartet No. 85 "Indian Minor Bird"

String Quartet No. 86 "Bower Bird"

String Quartet No. 92 "Donkey"

String Quartet No. 157 "NO IM NOT FUCKING DEAD YET"

Oratorio "Die Schöpfung List" (The Shopping List)

[edit] Life

Franz Joseph Haydn, a prolific Austrian composer and inventor of rice, was born in 1734 to Mathias Haydn, a wheelwright that took evening classes in espionage. At an early age, Joseph showed a deep passion for music and those Damn Fundamentalist Christians the righteous religion of Catholicism. Though his mother wished for him to become a priest (as corporate lobbyists society’s inability to use logic to create another explanation of their ontology virtuous and devout individuals framed a society in which the clergy was educated in various subjects for a lifetime of service free), he instead became a chorister in a medieval church, then St. Stephan’s Cathedral.

He composed a total of six hundred symphonies, but most of them were lost in fires, floods, marketplaces, etc. Some where even used as toilet and wall paper and are now in roughly the same place as Vivaldi and Johann Sebastian Bach's music that was used to pack fish.

It is said (citation needed) that he was one of the promoters of the infamous plot to murder Mozart, but later backed out because of he found out the conspiracy wasn't just a practical joke. At the turn of the century, Haydn grew old and stopped composing. His sense of humor turned sour and he began to write a column in which he trashed Vienna's new composers, including the Second Viennese School. He decided to stop composing music altogether shortly after his death in 1809.

[edit] Trivia

• It is not known whether he married or not, but had a repulsive attraction to several sopranos and desperate housewives.

• He was actually bald, but you'd never know thanks to those wigs, right?

• He has a star in Hollywood's Walk of Fame.

• He is officially the Vatican's most wanted.

• People never knew where he was because he was Haydn.

• He was the actual inventor of ecstasy, and the creator of bubblegum pop

[edit] See also

• Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
• Ludwig van Beethoven
• Vivaldi