Jose Mourinho

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Look deep into his eyes - you want to play for him. You need to play for him. Feel special.

José Mário dos Santos Félix Mourinho is a football manager - in the same way that the Mona Lisa is a portrait. He has enhanced the status of clubs of Porto, Chelsea and Inter Milan with his very presence. He has also enhanced the status of the Champions League competition by winning it^[1].

[edit] Early Career - The Formation of a Legend

José Mourinho was born a tactical genius to a large family in Portugal. He spent his formative years playing strategic games with anyone who would dare oppose him, in order to refine his tactical prowess. Although he was largely successful, it was many years before he got the hang of chess, as he never fully understood why he couldn't employ the offside trap with his pawns, or play his Queen as a muscular lone striker.

Always destined to enhance the sport of football, the young José embarked on a nascent playing career in his homeland. Unfortunately, he failed to have much of an impact, largely due to the fact that he quickly realised all of his coaches were incompetent, and he therefore tried to impress his own unique tactical vision on the games in which he played. However, his team-mates failed to recognise the true majesty of his thinking, and stuck to their manager's existing plans, leading to the intriguing sight of ten men playing in a 4-4-2 formation, while José himself worked in a 4-2-3-1 formation. Needless to say, José was made the scapegoat for the poor tactics of his managers, and he quickly became disillusioned as a player, and turned his focus to becoming a manager in his own right.

To this end, he got a job working as translator for confused former England manager Sir Bobby Robson at Sporting Clube de Portugal, FC Porto, and FC Barcelona. This was a successful period of Robson's career, and this has led some to claim that Mourinho learned much from this wise football sage. The truth is, of course, that Mourinho was able to ignore Robson's senile instructions, and instead impart his own tactical knowledge and instructions to the team - dropping in the occasional blunder on purpose, so that people wouldn't notice the subterfuge. In this way, he was able to gain the experience of working directly with the players, while having his own scapegoat in Robson, in case those players failed to implement his tactical vision successfully. From this, he quickly came to embrace the scapegoat as a crucial part of his methodology.

[edit] Later Career - Burning Brighter than the Sun

Although José was well rewarded for his work, he quickly grew tired of having to watch the plaudits for his achievements all be placed at the feet of a lesser man, and he decided the time had come to show the world the true extent of his talents. He started by dipping his toe in the water with S.L. Benfica, where he lasted just nine games, making the chairman the scapegoat for this departure by blaming him for not extending his contract. He then moved to União de Leiria, a team supported by even fewer people than can correctly pronounce their name.

He led União de Leiria to un-dreamed-of glory^[2], but yearned for a challenge and a transfer budget worthy of his talents. Using the lack of funds and ambition at União de Leiria as his scapegoat, he returned to Porto, using a combination of his local knowledge, his charismatic interview style and several interesting photographs of the chairman to secure the manager's role. As one would expect, this was the moment at which he cast aside the dull grey garb of a mere caterpillar-like interpreter, and instead donned the much smarter grey garb of a management butterfly.

Within two years, the Mourinho effect had transformed Porto utterly. He had won the club its first and only Champions League trophy^[3], won the league by a record-breaking margin, won the darts tournament in his local pub, healed the sick of the town, and brought all the young (but legal) virgins of the town to their first climax. Satisfied that he could achieve no more for Porto, he decided to leave for pastures new, making the chairman the scapegoat due to his unreasonable lack of ambition to spend obscene sums of money.

Fortunately for football, there was one man whose ambition to spend wads of cash matched Mourinho's - Roman Abramovich. José bravely made the decision to move to Chelsea, keen to embrace the challenge of a new project - making himself a ubiquitous presence in all forms of media in England. And trying to win some trophies.

[edit] Management Style

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jose Mourinho.

Mourinho does not merely coach or manage teams - these are such insignificant words when compared to the effect that he has on the very fabric of the club, from the humblest car park attendant to the most elevated muscular lone striker. Mourinho inspires them all! A team talk by Jose Mourinho has been likened to the Gettysburg Address, but without the dull bits. The intensity and sheer charisma of Mourinho is sufficient to extract 15% more effort and ability from any player, even before he has started to work with them. Mourinho does not build teams - he sculpts them, moulding them effortlessly and inexorably to his pure will and pristine vision.

It has been said of Mourinho teams that they are more functional than entertaining, but to say that is to miss the point. There may appear, to the untrained eye, to be a ruthlessly effective machine in operation - and one that places the emphasis firmly on securing a result at all costs ahead of entertaining as a priority at that. But to say such things is to reveal the staggering depths of your ignorance of the true art of football. Those who can appreciate the depth of Mourinho's tactical vision are able to enjoy the game on a level un-dreamed of by those who crave such trivialities as "flair" or "verve". Is there not more beauty in the pristine arc of a single lofted pass over midfield for a muscular lone striker to chase than there is in a haphazard "dribble" by a "winger", or some showy flick that may or may not reach its intended target?

[edit] Personal Life

Jose Mourinho does not spit, he projects holy water from his person

Little is known of José's personal life, as he is careful to protect his family from media intrusion the same way his defence protects his goalkeeper from opposition attacks.

[edit] Footnotes

1. ↑ He won it precisely once - a talent such as his requires fresh challenges, and rarely returns to the scenes of old triumphs
2. ↑ Comparatively speaking - finishing in the top half of the league being un-dreamed-of success for União de Leiria
3. ↑ No, the European trophy they had won before was the European Cup. No, it's not the same thing - it's a totally different competition; they have different names for a start.