Jonas Gahr Støre
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edit Official Biography
Officially, Jonas Gahr Støre was born in 1960, in Oslo. At the moment of his birth, five new stars appeared in the heavens. He excelled in kindergarten and flew through primary school, graduating from Berg secondary school with the highest GPA ever achieved by a five year old.
After this he trained as a naval officer at the Norwegian Naval Academy, and after soundly beating the Spanish navy with only one leaky ship under his command, went on to study political science and sociology at the Paris Institute of Political Studies. At age 14 he enrolled in the London School of Economics where he got his first PhD.
Entering working life, Gahr Støre became a teacher at Harvard Law School for a year. This was followed by three years as a researcher at the Norwegian School of Management, several years as a special advisor to the Office of the Prime Minister of Norway, and later Director General for International Affairs at the same Office. He was later appointed ambassador to the UN, spent a year as the Chief of Staff in the WHO, then became Chief of Staff for Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg's first government. After this government collapsed, he became the Executive Chairman of the think tank Econ Analyse, served as the Secretary General of the Norwegian Red Cross, served as chairman for the European Environment Agency, served in the Mercy Corps, averted an assassination attempt on the pope, and spent three years working in the slum, to take care of underpriviliged children in Calcutta.
In the fall of 2005, he accepted the posistion of Minister for Foreign Affairs in Jens Stoltenberg's second government. In this position, he has averted no less than eighteen wars.
As a member of a cabinet generally doing nothing but fumble, Gahr Støre has proved vital in bringing a certain sense of standard, elitism and elegance the cabinet has otherwise lacked, especially since the much-debated scandal of Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg's improper use of the genetive case in early February 2006.
Gahr Støre is trained in every form of martial arts imaginable from the much-feared Harvardian Discourse to his personally developed combination of the ancient I'm Merely Following Presedence Set By You, Sir-jitsu and the Red Cross Of Doom-technique.
edit Conspiracy theories
Because of his seemingly sudden appearance out of nowhere on the 17. of October 2005, with a impressive record of feats no-one could even begin to match, certain overly suspicious individuals have remarked upon the oddity of nobody ever having heard of him before.
Anonymous sources have revealed to Aktuell Rapport, Norways most respected newspaper, that Jonas Gahr Støre was grown in a secret lab in the Amazon rainforest, using recently discovered DNA from the übermensch of Atlantis. The people behind the project, known only as the A.W.E.-project (Amazingly Wise Elitist), is reported to be a secret illegal branch of the Norwegian Labour Party.
Gahr Støre spent his youth testing out his powers, accidentally causing the Chernobyl-disaster and the death of three cute kittens in Jerusalem, but made more than up for it by destroying two and a half drug cartel and saving both penguins and Africans from an otherwise certain death. However, the details of this period of Gahr Støre's life are vague, perhaps because Gahr Støre is at least three times more intelligent than the world's most intelligent journalists.
The Stoltenberg government has not reponded to these allegations, but a televised series on Gahr Støre's adventerous youth based on these rumours is reputedly in the works. The tentative title of the show is Gahrsville, and Aktuell Rapport reports that Gahr Støre is to be played by Norwegian plumber Kurt Nilsen.
- There is nothing trivial about Jonas Gahr Støre.
edit Other "Trivia"
- There is absolutely no reason to believe that Gahr Støre is the Antichrist.
- There are rumours that there is currently five religious sects who believe that Gahr Støre is the Ultimate Human, and that all other people should be killed.
- Seriously, if he had been the Antichrist, the Heavenly Host would have caved already and there would have been a very eloquently phrased memo.
- In Russia, Støre Gahrs YOU!!
- Despite wide-spread beliefs, Gahr Støre cannot shoot bolts of lightning with his eyes. His death-wielding repertoire of stares is thus limited to fireballs, shards of ice, steel and iron (but not bronze) knives and Chinese marbles.
- Central sources in the Norwegian have disclosed that there is nothing Gahr Støre can't face; except for maybe the USSR.
- 11 August 2009 at approximately 13.00 (GMT +1), Gahr Støre seemingly made his first ever mistake. Announcing the Labour Party´s new plan for the elderly on Twitter, he linked to the song American Psycho by Eminem on Grooveshark rather than the plan. While he quickly claimed it was a mistake, the Gahr Støre cult is currently trying to decipher the meaning of this message from the Enlightened One. The opening words "I'm the devil - if ever there was such a thing" have spurred mixed reactions. Some claim it to support the rumour that Gahr Støre is indeed the Antichrist, others argue that the true meaning only reveals itself backwards and in Elvish: "gnith a hcus saw ereth reve fi lived eht m´I". The Tolkien community is currently debating the correct translation.
- In the time you will have spent reading this article, advanced mathematics shows us that Gahr Støre will single-handedly have saved the bodies, minds and souls of an average of 12,29 starving children. 13,02 if you're a particularly slow reader. Aid Gahr Støre end world suffering; read this article again!