Jonah

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Jonah
Prophet
Jonah and the whale
Jonah Nine West
Reign 40 days – 40 nights
Full name Jonah the Dove
Titles Jinx,
Coward
Birthplace Gath-Hepher
The more you know Book of Jonah
Successor Micah
Royal House Amittai
Dynasty Jeroboam II
Royal anthem My Sharona - The Knack
This article is about the Fish guy, Jonah

There happens to be a lot of people named Jonah, as it is a common name. Even though there are many people named such, most have lived fortunately boring lives and never become famous or infamous for anything other than ignominy anonymity. But there was one Jonah [1], who was an important figure. Though he was so important scholars still debate whether he was swallowed by a whale or not. So either there was only one Jonah, as I already stated, or three, perhaps more. It seems multiple religions have a similar figure, so either it was one influentially stupid guy or three really stupid ones. This article will present all three.

edit Nine West, anciently

Nine West in ancient times was a chain shop located in all the popular shopping bazaars of the day. But they were wicked in their ways of transforming fads into Mass fashion, which moved into the early church, and now the Pope wears that funny hat. Nine West is credited for first pairing sandals with socks. You may see alternate spellings of Nine West - Ninevah was in common use as well. Translating ancient hebrulore into modern english is something for brit pop bands, not scholars.

edit The general theme about God talking to Jonah

God saw what was going on at Nine West, and he called his man Jonah up and said

“Yo Jo, ya gotta stop the sto from mofo the flow”
~ God on the phone with Jonah
“Who is this really?”
~ Jonah on the phone with God

As could be expected, Jonah freaked out, for the most part from the jive talking, but also that God would take the time out of his busy day, to give him fashion advice. He freaked, and left on a boat.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Jonah.

edit The three Jonahs of the book

edit Christian Jonah

The Christian Jonah was said to be swallowed by a whale [2] The Christian Jonah was a saint and spent three days and nights doing something that landed him the holy position. That's Three, just like Jesus, Or at least in God's eyes, though God has too much on his plate and isn't too critical. He is considered a saint in not just Christianity with a Capital C, but in all the other Christian denominations as well, even the crazy ones. Wait, what was that? Oh, yes there is not just one Christianity, you have to choose if you're going to have water splashed in your face, if you're going to have something decapitated, oh wait that's Judaism never-mind. Snakes will not be discussed here. So, back to Jonah, he was a saint and he did something or other to deserve it.

edit Jewish Jonah

The Jewish Jonah was brought back to life by a prophet when he was young, and other than that and being a forgiving guy who hung out at Nine west, there is not much to talk about. Don't forget the Christians with a C, use the Torah with a T as their Testability with an O.

edit Islamic Jonah

CallMeIshmael

Here is Jonah washed up on shore right after God planted him a nice tree. (You can see it on his left. No, his left. That's right...and be nice, you'd look that bad coming from a whale's gut too.)

The Islamic Jonah was really kinda interesting, he was a forgiving prophet, kinda like Jewish Jonah. Really cool, though one day he chickens-out because his job is rough. (whoa, and why can't we all do that and then be famous?) He got on a boat but it happened that the weather was poor. The sailors decided to throw off the unlucky one, and Jonah was somehow chosen for the job. Like, next time do not run away from your job, your next one will be much worse. So he was swallowed by a fish, kinda like Christian Jonah, and thought about God and realized he shouldn't have run away. God then forgave Jonah and the fish spat him out on land, and Jonah was pretty sick. Seasickness? Fetid carcasses? Who knows. God knows!

So God was really sweet and grew Jonah a shade tree to keep the sick dude from getting burned. Then he sent him back to go to his first job. I do not know, but I doubt he left again.

It turns out that when Muhammad came along he was infatuated with Jonah. Luckily for Jonah he was dead, so he didn't have to deal with the young prophet panting down his neck.

edit The Whale, Fish, Nothing, or Something of God's

For such an important figure scholars do not know if Jonah was swallowed by a whale, a fish, nothing, something God made up for fun, or nothing, but the writers thought it was something. Though in the whale and fish interpretations it is a petty fact as both would be bad situations. Whatever it was it turned Jonah back to God, that manipulating old dude!

edit When God Said

When God said Jonah, you need to tell your people to chill[3] Jonah understandably, was freaked out. But during those times, God seemed to talk to people a lot. But Jonah was like No way, am I going to tell those people to chill, they may hate me. So Jonah ran away and jumped on a boat. Hide from God on a boat? Maybe Baal or Jim Morrison, but not GD God! The boat started to toss and tilt, as a storm came out of no where. Remember this was the time before Jesus walked on the water, so the sailors had no idea what to do, other than get rid of the new guy -- Jonah. He must have brought this bad luck upon them, so they tossed him into the sea. As previously discussed, Jonah had a moment. A three days and three nights moment [4]. But the T says he was in the belly of a great sea creature. Be it whale, or giant squid, whatever it was puked him out on the beach after three days[4]and he did what he was told.

edit Clarifications of narrative

  1. or more I really have no idea
  2. (scratch that no-one actually knows if he was swallowed at all.)
  3. or the above quote, ancient sumerian hebulore is really hard to read
  4. 4.0 4.1 By Jewish reckoning, which may just mean Saturday

edit See Also

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