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Jolt Cola is a popular and only nominally legal caffeinated beverage which most closely resembles a heart attack condensed into a 12-oz. can. Although it was originally intended as an energy drink for computer programmers and grad students, it has recently emerged as a popular alternative to street drugs, a development which has only furthered the question of its already dubious legal status.
Jolt Cola was originally developed and marketed by scientist and zombie statesman Benjamin Franklinstein after he was hit by lightning while flying a metal kite tied to his bicycle. After being rushed to the hospital, he thought to himself, "Hey, wouldn't it be great if that rush of heart-stopping energy could be crammed into a soda bottle?" While Franklinstein was eager to get home and begin experimentation, the shock of the electrical blast caused his head to explode, and it wasn't until almost a hundred years later, in late 1985, that mad scientists were able to collect all the pieces and resuscitate his body so he could resume work. Even then it still was over a year before a loophole (see legality) was discovered which allowed him to actually mass-produce and distribute the potent concoction.
Franklinstein himself continues to remain active in the distribution and marketing of the beverage, including the creation of new flavors. However, there has been concern recently over how long he will remain in this position: While the aging scientist has managed to retain a surprising vitality considering that he is over two hundred and ten years old, the recent death of his close friend and physician, a former physicist by the name of Dr. Đùşśąŀəĥøæß (who has himself been involved in certain controversial energy-drink studies) means that it may not be possible to revive him again – a particularly dark boding, especially when combined with the Doctor's recently failing health. On the bright side, marketing analysts have predicted that even if Franklinstein were to die, it would not have a strong negative effect on sales. A recent article in the Wall Street Journal claimed that it might actually allow the company to have sales in the first place, but Franklinstein was, at the time, unavailable for comment.
While Jolt was originally marketed as having "all the sugar and twice the caffeine" of other leading caffeinated beverages, this slogan was quickly withdrawn from marketing material after chemical engineers discovered that the primary ingredient in Jolt is actually sulphuric acid. Franklinstein himself has yet to reveal the exact list of secret ingredients, but an interview with his good friend Đùşśąŀəĥøæß – recorded only the day before the latter's sudden death – shared the following story of the drink's creation in a rather thick but hard-to-place eastern European accent:
- "Eet vahs vehree eentereshteeng, I fink. He vood call me to da laboratoree at free ay-ehm, zayeenk dat eet vahs unlee a leetle beet longer before da dreenk vahs rehdee... he vood often zend me to zee local mohrk, veeth eenstrucksheens to get da bodees from zee eelectreec chair, vaht he deed veeth zhem, I have no vuhkeeng clue. But eet took vive yeers beefohr eet acshualee deed vaht he eexpected eet to do." (UnNews exclusive interview, Novembruary 5, 2006)
After spending several laborious hours carefully translating the incomprehensible accent (which became increasingly incomprehensible, possibly rehearsed, and almost fake-sounding as the interview progressed), a group of UnNews investigators acting on a hunch decided to check at the morgue to see what they could learn. They discovered that the physicist usually came down several times a week to drain the juices from recently electrocuted felons, purportedly because it tasted good mixed in with moonshine, believing that they somehow would contain a charge that would provide some sort of potent energy complex. Whether or not this has anything to do with the chemical composition of the drink itself, however, is still uncertain, and is a subject of great debate among certain members of the great Jolt cult.
The label on the bottle reveals that Jolt is sweetened using plutonium, although certain flavors substitute different compounds; the choice of sweetener may also be subject to regional availability. It also claims that Jolt contains ordinary sugar, various lengthy chemical compounds, various artificial dyes and colors, and very trace amounts of cat piss.
For the first few years of production, sales were limited due to the close resemblance between Jolt's bottle and that of Coca-Cola, and many of the drink's early addicts actually believed they were drinking the original "original formula," which was made with real cocaine. Although sales picked up in later years after the discovery that Jolt's H2SO4 formula was more addictive, executives at Jolt's parent company Raytheon, nonetheless decided a different strategy was needed.
The main component of the new strategy was the introduction of a new metal bottle which closely resembled a dry-cell battery. Reactions were mixed to the company's early prototypes, which often shocked unsuspecting buyers and sometimes were confused with real batteries (largely due to the inclusion of a pink rabbit and the name Energizer on the original label design), but the currently marketed bottle is considered to be "low-interference" by the FCC, no more dangerous than a nuclear bomb or a can of hair spray by the FAA, and only a minor safety hazard by officials at the FDA.
Jolt is primarily marketed at techies, gamers, and anyone else who needs to ingest dangerously large amounts of caffeine on a very regular basis. Dr. Franklinstein himself once said that he "invented it for [him]self, because it was the easiest way stay up all those late nights developing that damned drink". Some addicts have claimed it was also a direct taunt towards "squares who don't drink caffeine", but the reliability of such claims is highly disputed (Franklinstein himself has denied all such rumors).
Because of its strong addictive content, Jolt is also becoming more prevalent among recovering alcoholics as well as those who abused other sorts of drugs. While arguably this behavior is just as dangerous, if not more so because of the sheer amount of caffeine and other chemicals, proponents of this development have pointed out that caffeine is both fully legal and has no legal drinking age, which purportedly indicates that it is safer for mass consumption.
- Original: Sometimes criticized for a flat and faintly corrosive flavor, but nonetheless the most popular of the many varieties currently available. The original flavor is the only one which is universally marketed in all parts of the world (excepting those where the beverage is outlawed). Although there has been much debate over exactly what sort of drink it most closely resembles, strangely enough, some experts believe it tastes vaguely like ordinary cola.
- Blue: The blue flavor was originally developed for stressed-out wiki administrators, who supposedly would be more welcoming towards a drink bearing no resemblance to hateful red links. It was quickly pulled off the market, however, when Pepsi realized the Jolt people were merely rebottling their beverage with a lightning bolt rather than that stupid ball. Ironically they also later had to pull their own unsuccessful Pepsi Blue.
- Cherry Bomb: Most prevalent in the lucrative Middle Eastern market, and indeed, entirely unavailable everywhere else in the world. The primary difference from other Jolt variants is that "Cherry Bomb" is sweetened using uranium rather than the more expensive, imported plutonium. Noted fan Mahmoud Ahmadinijad has widely praised its "fruity yet explosive nature".
- Red: Like the blue flavor, Jolt Red was plagued with problems throughout its own short life. Not only was it frequently confused with the original and "Cherry Bomb" flavors – indeed, even those who knew it existed at all could hardly tell the difference – but it was also considered an infringement on Coca-Cola's product design. To further complicate its marketing difficulties, the red variant bombed in the wiki test market, as many believed the can's liquid contents to be nonexistent. It was also extremely unpopular among the colorblind who were unable to distinguish it from Jolt Green.
- Silver: The only known beverage made with real sterling silver, and available only to the extremely rich and spoiled. Unlike the original flavor – and the widely misunderstood Red variant – Jolt Silver actually was developed specifically as a joke on those more intellectually challenged than its creators, and the "beverage" actually does contain zero liquid content. Nonetheless it has brought in unforetold profits to the company, with its $15,000 price tag accounting for approximately 99.99% of the company's yearly sales (the average volume thereof being about two bottles per year).
- Ultra: Although the company has yet to sell a single bottle, the Ultra flavor is nonetheless widely marketed and "endorsed" by such well-known individuals as Superman and The Flash, who claim it will endow the drinker with "ultra-super powers". The campaign has recently been challenged, however, as the PowerPuff Girls claim it violates their private copyrights. The original marketing materials featuring Uncyclopedia's own Captain Obvious have since been withdrawn after the latter very blatantly denounced the beverage as a marketing scam.
- Green: Green just sucks balls.
To commemorate the launch of the final Harry Potter book, Jolt launched a limited edition bottle design featuring the boy wizard wearing his wizarding robes and a Jolt T-shirt. It also featured his lightning-bolt scar running through the word "JOLT" to match the logo. Like many of their campaigns, this too was quickly withdrawn, partially because the latter detail did not print as visibly as they had intended, but mostly because J.K. Rowling threatened to sue if Jolt didn't buy her a fourth house.
Jolt Cola has an absolutely enormous cult following, but since most of the guys look like this they generally won't admit it. But you can tell anyway because (1) they all look like the guy in this picture and (2) they usually have a bunch of empty cans lying around their house.
How to handle a rabid Jolt addict
Generally as a Jolt drinker's addiction progresses, he or she will begin developing certain traits and behavioral patterns similar to those of the American horror-movie zombie; the exact physiological reason is unknown, but it may be an unconscious homage to the beverage's undead creator. Among the most noticeable traits include uncontrollable drooling or foaming at the mouth; frequent emittance of low moaning noises; and walking around with the arms extended and the hands grasping at anything that gets in their way. These symptoms are most prevalent when the drinker has been deprived of the substance for an extended period of time (typically about five minutes). If you should ever find yourself trapped by a deprived Jolt drinker, follow these steps carefully:
- DON'T PANIC. Remember, they probably don't want your brains, just your electrically-charged body fluids.
- If you happen to have any Jolt Cola with you, give it to them as quickly as possible. If you don't have any Jolt Cola, brewing them a quick shot of espresso may suffice (if time permits).
- Try talking it over with them. Maybe they just need to share their feelings. Remember, the first step is admitting you have a problem.
- Since you probably won't have any Jolt on you, as otherwise you would be a rabid Jolt addict yourself, PANIC LIKE HELL. They're probably going to kill you anyway. Now may be a good time to write your will (if time permits).
- Relax and enjoy – now you have until the end of eternity to do " ", " ", and all sorts of other fun things like " "!
In most areas, Jolt is only marginally legal, typically due to a loophole in local codes. While no longer considered as dangerous as more popular drugs such as marijuana (which is the best drug ever discovered.) in the United States, it is required to conspicuously display the following SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING:
- Consumption of Jolt Cola may be hazardous to your health, sort of like smoking but without the bright lights and pretty colors. Side effects may include addiction, bugged out eyes, various forms of cancer, severe insomnia, loss of appetite, severe cravings for kittens and other small animals, internal bleeding, obnoxious tendencies to randomly quote Monty Python, acne, a general aura of geekiness, vision loss, hair loss, decapitation, defenestration, diarrhea, severe erectile dysfunction, seeing double, ADHD, loss of social life, and various other things too unpleasant to mention in an encyclopedia article. Do not combine with alcohol or sleep medication. Use only as directed. If in doubt ask your doctor if Jolt Cola is right for you.