From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
It's Spain's fault.
“I ate there once, I never want to go back.”
'Jollibee was denied by the Philippine JolliGovernment and JolliCatholics, PUTANG INA SI GOLEZ NAGJAJAKOL! is
one of the biggest Cannibalistic fast food chain in the Philippines. It was founded by Tony Tan Caktiong, some Filipino-Chinese faggot who severely despised McDonalds, in the 12th century AD, a hundred years after McDonalds was founded by some foul druids from Celtia.
Tony Tan swore to that day that he will destroy McDonalds, so he established his own fast-food business somewhere in Cebu.
The Jollibusiness flourished and spread throughout the Philippines faster than people could build basketball courts and computer shops in every imaginable street. People flock to the Jolliestablishments, wasting their money on Jollitasteless foods that are over 9000 times fattier than McDonalds. I love you Glicerio!!!
JolliProducts and JolliServices
- Chickenboy - a badly-named brand of fried chicken that contains more cholesterol than yo momma's girl parts. Available in 1 piece, 2 pieces, or a bucket filled with a shitload of these pieces of crap.
- Yuck! - don't be fooled by its name! Yum! burgers are not at all delicious! They're filled with mayonnaise (which by burger law is illegal), and the meat used during its production is always double-dead earthworms.
- Champ - same as the Yum!, but on steroids. Contains brain bits, child balls, and old men's penises. It smaller than a Big Mac, but not as big as yo momma!
- Palabok Fiesta - based on the nauseating Filipino delicacy. Its primary and essential ingredients include fresh Texan cow poop, Chinese semen (molded into noodles), and the customer's vomit collected yesterday.
- Burger Stick - a failed attempt of recreating steak by substituting the actual meat with processed African child meat. Also added with poisonous mushrooms straight from the Mushroom Kingdom and brown-colored semen. Produced with Soylent Green.
In addition to serving
disgusting delicious delicacies, Jollibee also caters to kids or adults acting like kids by hosting kiddie parties and children's play zones. It keeps children occupied and safe while their parents are out stuffing their faces with fat.
Like McDonalds have Ronald McDonald, Jollibee has...err...Jollibee. Jollibee is some crazy pedophile, a close second cousin of the famous Pedobear. Jollibee was originally a JolliBear, just like his second cousin, however, there were no bears in the Philippines, so naked children don't know what the fuck he actually is. So he dressed himself as a queer
clown bee in bright red, wearing white gloves and hat, and oversized yellow boots. The disguise appears to be a success, and now most retarded children who does not have an IQ of -90 to wear clothing were easily lured to Jollibee and had a quick impromptu rape session. Those children with actual intelligence, however, never go near Jollibee, or the establishment for that matter.
Jollibee is also accompanied by his bitches, some of them the following:
- Yum - an INVENTOR WHO LOVES BOOKS AND GADGETS and Loves to eat burger
- Hetty - a blonde female whore who loves SPAGHETTI all down her vagina.
- Popo - sportsminded jerk who likes to f**k trannies.
- Twirlie - a performer who likes sperm all over his sundaes.
- Charles Gamboa- the forgotten mascot who endorsed the cocaine-filled "Chickenjoy" isa pa isa pa isa pang titijoy. He introduced the hit dance craze..FUCK IT
The DANCE OFF
JolliRivalry with McDonalds
JolliTactic was to create life-like JolliStatues of him in front of every JolliEstablishment to defend the JolliBusiness, but it turns out that Ronald carried out the same tactic long ago. Jollibee then installed several 105mm JolliCannons and 55mm JolliMachine guns (that fire steel JolliFrench Fries as bullets) on every side of a Jollibee JolliEstablishment to protect them from McDonald's burger tanks. Ronald countered this by using airships carrying bombs to destroy Jollibee JolliEstablishments. The battle went on and on. It is rumored that both entities have reached the point of nuclear warfare, but all rumors have been called otherwise and utter bullshit.
“Sa Jollibee, bida ang betlog!”
“He's a good cousin of mine.”
“In Soviet Russia, Jollibee eats YOU!!”
“Your burgers suck!”
“Not as much as your mom sucks my cock!”
“Your burger tastes like my ass.”
“Tang ina niyo!!”