From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
It's Spain's fault.
Jollibee is the biggest Cannibalistic fast food chain in the Philippines. It was founded by Tony Tan Caktiong, some Filipino-Chinese faggot who despised McDonalds and thus set up a perfect imitation of it.
Tony Tan swore to destroy McDonalds, so he established his own fast-food business in Cebu.
The Jollibusiness flourished and spread throughout the Philippines faster than people could build basketball courts and computer shops in every imaginable street. People flock to the Jolliestablishments, wasting their money on Jollitasteless foods that are over 9000 times fattier than McDonalds.
JolliProducts and JolliServices
- Chickenboy - a badly-named brand of fried chicken that contains more cholesterol than your mother.
- Yuck! - don't be fooled by its name! Yum! burgers are not at all delicious! They're filled with mayonnaise and earthworm meat.
- Champ - same as the Yum!, but on steroids.
- Palabok Fiesta - based on the nauseating Filipino delicacy.
- Burger Stick - a failed attempt to re-create steak by substituting the actual meat with processed African child meat, which adds poisonous mushrooms straight from the Mushroom Kingdom and is colored with Soylent Green.
In addition to serving
disgusting delicious delicacies, Jollibee also caters to kids or adults acting like kids by hosting kiddie parties and children's play zones. It keeps children occupied and safe while their parents are out stuffing their faces with fat.
As McDonalds has Ronald McDonald, Jollibee has...err...Jollibee. Jollibee is some crazy pedophile, a close second cousin of the famous Pedobear. Jollibee was originally a JolliBear, just like his second cousin, however, there were no bears in the Philippines, so naked children don't know what the fuck he actually is. So he dressed himself as a queer
clown bee in bright red, wearing white gloves and hat, and oversized yellow boots. The disguise appears to be a success, and now most retarded children who does not have an IQ of -90 to wear clothing were easily lured to Jollibee and had a quick impromptu rape session. Those children with actual intelligence, however, never go near Jollibee, or the establishment for that matter.
JolliRivalry with McDonalds
JolliTactic was to create life-like JolliStatues of him in front of every JolliEstablishment to defend the JolliBusiness, but it turns out that Ronald carried out the same tactic long ago. Jollibee then installed several 105mm JolliCannons and 55mm JolliMachine guns (that fire steel JolliFrench Fries as bullets) on every side of a Jollibee JolliEstablishment to protect them from McDonald's burger tanks. Ronald countered this by using McAirships carrying bombs to destroy Jollibee JolliEstablishments. The battle went on and on. It is rumored that both entities have reached the point of nuclear warfare, but all rumors have been called otherwise and utter bullshit.