Johnson County, Kansas

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Beige

Typical Johnson County streetscape.

Johnson County is situated in northeastern Kansas, is the most populous, most wealthy and therefore the preeminent community in both the northern and western hemispheres. Its largest suburb, Kansas City, Missouri, is situated immediately to the east.

edit History

Organized in 1857, the county's original function was as a rest area and weigh station for travelers heading west on the Santa Ana Trail. But then pioneer J.C. Nichols discovered the color beige and built the world's first cul-de-sac on a desolate sacred Indian burial ground. Johnson County (also known as JoCo) comes from the Shawnee Indian term for Nouveau riche.

Overland Park is the largest city in Johnson County and was the first city in the United States to be named after a highway overpass. Although people have resided in Overland Park for many decades, the city did not officially incorporate as a city until 1961 when Kansas City needed a convenient scapegoat for its deteriorating condition. Shortly thereafter, Overland Park built a protective bubble over the entire city to protect itself from crime, blight, and dark-skinned people. Overland Park houses some of the finest public schools in the country, it is also home to some of the highest quality ditch weed marijuana sold in the area.

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Olathe (pronouced OH-lat-hee) is the second largest city in Johnson County and is located 17 miles south of Nebraska Furniture Mart, 1 mile East of Rhodes Furniture, and 2 miles north of the Great Mall furniture Outlet. This city is the proud home to a Home Depot, Go Chicken Go, a Sonic, and is also the home of used car salesman and five time Kansas Senator "Hap" Hazard. Not surprisingly this bland beige wasteland is the only city to win the prestigious "Whitest City on Earth Award" 16 times running after the 1992 invasion of Huns, surpassing close rivals in Caucasianosity Des Moines, Iowa and Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Olathe is also the birthplace of popped collars, snuggy shirts, and upside-down visors.

Other Johnson County cities include Fairway, Prairie Village, Leawood, Leawood Apple Store, Roeland Park, Overland Park, Oak Park, Mission, Mission Hills, Mission Woods, Mission Forest, Mission Park, Roeland Mission, Sub Mission, Trans Mission, Mission Impossible, Missionary Position, Just Plain Shawnee, East Shawnee, Northeast Shawnee-Southwest, Crate and Barrel, Lake Shawnee, Bass Pro Shop, Shawnee Mission, De Soto, and Sunflower Army Ammunition Plant.

edit Culture

Johnson County is considered a "mecca" of culture and refinement in Kansas, as evidenced by its overabundance of WalMart stores, strip malls, and chain restaurants. It is home to many different ethnic restaurants such as Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and Olive Garden.

One local hot spot for residents is Rosana Square. It also features an exciting nightlife, including several highly-regulated strip mall bar chains and a Dick Clark's American Bandstand. Usually, the teenagers are just sitting around or standing by the window front, or the ones moving along are the minimum wage employees trying to pay for community college loans.

Johnson County schools often take field trips to the Wyandotte County line, so that the school children can peer across, and see what "those brown people" look like.

A popular leisure activity among non-residents and tourists is to 'Cruise the Fe'. This activity involves driving up and down the ridiculously named 'Santa Fe' Road to look at the culturally significant sites, such as the Olathe Courthouse and the Salvation Army that used to be a Hobby Lobby, and the Goodwill which used to be a Hastings, which used to be a Walmart.

edit Transportation

All citizens are issued one (1) large SUV and one (1) minivan plus one additional vehicle of any type that is never driven. Teens are issued their choice of a Jeep, BMW, or high-performance sports car and they must display either a ku or a JCCC decal in at least two places on the vehicle for it to pass initial inspections.

These vehicles are most commonly found dodging traffic and slamming into barriers on I-35 or I-435, usually heading to or from raids on the cultural attractions of neighboring Kansas City. They are also commonly found in vast asphalt seas in front of strip malls, frequently driven from store to store in the same strip mall.

edit Road Rage Capital of the Midwest

Johnson County is also known as the Road Rage Capital of the Midwest. Drivers are encouraged to flip other drivers off, challenge other drivers to fisticuffs, cut other people off on I-35, speed on I-435, throw garbage at construction workers on US-69, and ignore the stoplight at Metcalf and 119th Street. Traffic signals and signage are meant for those not fortunate enough to live in Johnson County. The use of turn signals is also optional for JoCo residents not to mention disregarded at all times - all others are expected to utilize them, or fear the wrath of johnson counties unruly police dept. It is also common practice for Johnson County drivers to pull out of a strip mall and cut across multiple lanes of traffic to get to a left turn lane. Trophy wives are a common source of road rage as well. Entranced by their phones, they get onto I-435 going ten under the posted speed limit, and proceed to "merge" over three lanes of traffic, without as much as giving a glance to any of their mirrors, in their Escalade/Tahoe/Suburban/other large SUV of choice, and remain going ten under in the far left lane (ten over during inclement road conditions or during construction).

Precipitation is also a major source of road rage, and traffic accidents in Johnson County. Once precipitation begins all drivers are immediately required to accelerate to no less than 20 mph above the posted speed limit and begin ignoring marked lanes, road signs, and traffic signals. It is also common practice to drive into the first vehicle and/or road sign during the onset of a rain storm. During winter storms in Johnson County 4-wheel drive vehicles are required to roll or crash at least once per winter season, especially Tahoes and Suburbans.

Each new school year, the students of Olathe North High School are required make sure none of the lightposts remain standing in the roundabouts near the school. The students must also drive through the flower beds within the aforementioned roundabouts at least once a month.

The largest abundance of these indigenous creatures reside in Blue Valley Kansas. Where every sixteen year old owns at least 4 new cars and get together to talk about whose Mercedes is cooler. Sometimes all the kids who love fast and the furious will drive to the Sonice Drive In at Olathe, KS to show off their rice burners. They will hangout there until the local police come and chase them off.

edit Public Transportation

Johnson County is also home to The Jo, a bus-based transportation system that ranges from Overland Park to somewhere inside Kansas City. The Jo is named after Joe Montana, a former oft-benchwarming first-string quarterback for the seminal Kansas City Chiefs. The system's route starts inside Oak Park Mall and ends in random locations inside the downtown area. Actual stop locations are not pre-listed due to hazardous stream crossings, unnavigable construction terrain, road-side bombs, and anti-bus protesters throwing rocks. Passengers are issued kevlar vests and are encouraged to view non-anglo persons aboard the bus, including the driver, with suspicion. No one ever really rides the Jo, however, since most Johnson County residents own at least four Mercedes Benz and/or Cadillacs.

edit Socioeconomics

Johnson County is a very diverse community where you can find both Anglos and Saxons.

Ethnicity: White (96.73%), Black (3.00002% mostly the ones that trickle over from Kansas City), each city in Johnson County has at least one school where they all attend for the city, Asian (.01%), Hispanic (.2598% officially, more if you count the hired help) and American Indian (where? No wait, they were removed long ago).

JoCo residents were "hesitant to give a number" when asked about income by the latest U.S. Census, due to their well-bred upbringing, making any collected information unusable. However, residents will tastefully boast their salaries to others at dinner parties and almost any other social function. According to the figures collected from these situations, the median household income appears to be $500,000.

Johnson County residents carry an average of $4,202,990.31 in credit card debt. Lowes, Nebraska Furniture Mart, any store within Oak Park Mall, The Apple Store, Home Depot, The Gap, and Target credit cards carry the bulk of this collective debt. Not to mention the billions of dollars the Olathe Police Dept. costs its citizens yearly.

edit Political Disputes

Johnson County has filed numerous complaints about the condition of Douglas County's lawn. Wyandotte County has been asked repeatedly to keep the noise down and has also painted their house an unapproved shade of taupe. Miami County has an RV parked out front that is raising some eyebrows and the height of their privacy fence is of some concern as well due to JoCo's inability to view their every action. Johnson County insists that its property values are being harmed because neighboring Jackson County uses composite shingles rather than cedar shake tiles on its roof. It is also certainly a dirty lie that JoCo is losing value while some neighboring counties are seeing a growth in property values, county funds, and household incomes. Probably started by that jealous old bag Wyandotte County.

edit Jealousy and Disdain

Jealousy is common among citizens from poorer parts of the Kansas City metro area. Likewise, it is common for residents of Johnson County to be disdainful of other locals. This disdain is counterbalanced by young, childless Johnson Countians who are ashamed of their home for its homogeneity, and move away as soon they reach maturity. The jealousy is similarly mitigated by child-bearing Kansas Citians who aspire to suburban bliss, and move South as soon as finances allow. And so, the Johnson County line acts as a semi-permeable membrane, expelling those with more shame than kids, and attracting those with more kids than shame. The end result is a stable equilibrium that benefits all involved parties.

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