Johnson County, Kansas

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Typical Johnson County streetscape.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Johnson County, Kansas.

“Them rich motherfuckers can't drive!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Johnson County, Kansas
Johnson County is situated in northeastern Kansas, is the most populous, most wealthy and therefore the preeminent community in both the northern and western hemispheres. Its largest suburb, Kansas City, Missouri, is situated immediately to the east.

edit History

Organized in 1857, the county's original function was as a rest area and weigh station for travelers heading west on the Santa Ana Trail. But then pioneer J.C. Nichols discovered the color beige and built the world's first cul-de-sac on a desolate sacred Indian burial ground. Johnson County (also known as JoCo) comes from the Shawnee Indian term for Nouveau riche. The county seat is Phillip Michael Thomasville.

The county is also the sole source for all urban problems. Deteriorating schools, rampant drug use, decaying infrastructures, poor decorating taste, venereal diseases, and CHUD were solely caused by Johnson County.

Overland Park is the largest city in Johnson County and was the first city in the United States to be named after a highway overpass. Although people have resided in Overland Park for many decades, the city did not officially incorporate as a city until 1961 when Kansas City needed a convenient scapegoat for its deteriorating condition. Shortly thereafter, Overland Park built a protective bubble over the entire city to protect itself from crime, blight, and dark-skinned people. Overland Park houses some of the finest public schools in the country, it is also home to some of the highest quality ditch weed marijuana sold in the area.

Olathe (pronouced OH-lat-hee) is the second largest city in Johnson County and is located 17 miles south of Nebraska Furniture Mart, 1 mile East of Rhodes Furniture, and 2 miles north of the Great Mall furniture Outlet. This city is the proud home to a Home Depot, Go Chicken Go, a Sonic, and is also the home of used car salesman and five time Kansas Senator "Hap" Hazard. Not surprisingly this bland beige wasteland is the only city to win the prestigious "Whitest City on Earth Award" 16 times running after the 1992 invasion of Huns, surpassing close rivals in Caucasianosity Des Moines, Iowa and Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Olathe is also the birthplace of popped collars, snuggy shirts, and upside-down visors.

Other Johnson County cities include Fairway, Prairie Village, Leawood, Leawood Apple Store, Roeland Park, Overland Park, Oak Park, Mission, Mission Hills, Mission Woods, Mission Forest, Mission Park, Roeland Mission, Sub Mission, Trans Mission, Mission Impossible, Missionary Position, Just Plain Shawnee, East Shawnee, Northeast Shawnee-Southwest, Crate and Barrel, Lake Shawnee, Bass Pro Shop, Shawnee Mission, De Soto, and Sunflower Army Ammunition Plant.

edit Significant Events

  • May, 1986 - Arthur S. of Overland Park paints his house a tasteful shade of blue. He and his family are ceremoniously exiled, and the house is restored to its original beige.
  • Febuary 2004 - Jeff was doing multiple.... "things"
  • October, 2005 - Lenexa erects a statue in honor of one of its residents - that of Bohn Jurgat the over-reacting soccer dad. He wears the customary white spot on his head, Wears basketball shorts religiously and MNU t-shirts, and has become used to the presence of European women on a regular basis. He has also had several encounters with women all over the globe spreading from Australia, Hong Kong, Albania, Ukraine, Argentina, Holland, Germany, and other States in America. Those being Tennesse, Idaho, and Virginia among others.

edit Culture

Johnson County is considered a "mecca" of culture and refinement in Kansas, as evidenced by its overabundance of WalMart stores, strip malls, and chain restaurants. It is home to many different ethnic restaurants such as Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and Olive Garden Go Chicken Go.

One local hot spot for residents is Rosana Square. It also features an exciting nightlife, including several highly-regulated strip mall bar chains and a Dick Clark's American Bandstand. Usually, the teenagers are just sitting around or standing by the window front, or the ones moving along are the minimum wage employees trying to pay for community college loans.

Johnson County schools often take field trips to the Wyandotte County line, so that the school children can peer across, and see what "those brown people" look like.

A popular leisure activity among non-residents and tourists is to 'Cruise the Fe'. This activity involves driving up and down the ridiculously named 'Santa Fe' Road to look at the culturally significant sites, such as the Olathe Courthouse and the Salvation Army that used to be a Hobby Lobby, and the Goodwill which used to be a Hastings, which used to be a Walmart.

edit Transportation

All citizens are issued one (1) large SUV and one (1) minivan plus one additional vehicle of any type that is never driven. Teens are issued their choice of a Jeep, BMW, or high-performance sports car and they must display either a ku or a JCCC decal in at least two places on the vehicle for it to pass initial inspections.

These vehicles are most commonly found dodging traffic and slamming into barriers on I-35 or I-435, usually heading to or from raids on the cultural attractions of neighboring Kansas City, Missouri. They are also commonly found in vast asphalt seas in front of strip malls, frequently driven from store to store in the same strip mall.

edit Road Rage Capital of the Midwest

Johnson County is also known as the Road Rage Capital of the Midwest, Drivers are very well encouraged to flip other drivers off, challenge other drivers to fisticuffs, cut other people off on I-35, Speed on I-435, throw garbage at construction workers on US-69, and ignore the stoplight at Metcalf and 119th Street. Traffic signals and signage are meant for those not fortunate enough to live in Johnson County. The use of turn signals is also optional for JoCo residents not to mention disregarded at all times - all others are expected to utilize them, or fear the wrath of johnson counties unruly police dept. It is also common practice for Johnson County drivers to pull out of a strip mall and cut across multiple lanes of traffic to get to a left turn lane.

Precipitation is also a major source of road rage, and traffic accidents in Johnson County. Once precipitation begins all drivers are immediately required to accelerate to no less than 20 mph above the posted speed limit and begin ignoring marked lanes, road signs, and traffic signals. It is also common practice to drive into the first vehicle and/or road sign during the onset of a rain storm. During winter storms in Johnson County 4-wheel drive vehicles are required to roll or crash at least once per winter season, especially Tahoes and Suburbans.

Each new school year, the students of Olathe North High School are required make sure none of the lightposts remain standing in the roundabouts near the school. The students must also drive through the flower beds within the aforementioned roundabouts at least once a month.

The largest abundance of these indigenous creatures reside in Blue Valley Kansas. Where every sixteen year old owns at least 4 new cars and get together to talk about whose Mercedes is cooler. Sometimes all the kids who love fast and the furious will drive to the Sonice Drive In at Olathe Ks to show off their rice burners. They will hangout there until the local police come and chase them off.

edit Public Transportation

Johnson County is also home to The Jo, a bus-based transportation system that ranges from Overland Park, KS to somewhere inside Kansas City. The Jo is named after Joe Montana, a former oft-benchwarming first-string quarterback for the seminal Kansas City Chiefs. The system's route starts inside Oak Park Mall and ends in random locations inside the downtown area. Actual stop locations are not pre-listed due to hazardous stream crossings, unnavigable construction terrain, road-side bombs, and anti-bus protesters throwing rocks. Passengers are issued kevlar vests and are encouraged to view non-anglo persons aboard the bus, including the driver, with suspicion. No one ever really rides the Jo, however, since most Johnson County residents own at least four Mercedes Benz and/or Cadillacs.

  • Also, anyone seen driving anything other than a Mercedes, Cadillac, or over sized SUV of any brand will be viciously beaten over the head by skinny police officers using potted shrubberies as weapons. Who will then proceed to file every charge they can find in the book on you and will then take you to their SUPERMAX jail located in Gardner KS where johnson county will then bend you over and have its way with you....... repeatedly

edit Socioeconomics

Johnson County is a very diverse community where you can find both Anglos and Saxons.

Ethnicity: White (96.73%), Black (3.00002% mostly the ones that trickle over from Kansas City), each city in Johnson County has at least one school where they all attend for the city, Asian (.01%), Hispanic (.2598% officially, more if you count the hired help) and American Indian (where? No wait, they were removed long ago).

You may find a few A-rabes, Hindoos, I-ranians and Pakis own a convenience store or two. They are usually greeted with drive by robberies made up of angry white males with memberships to the one fraternal club KKK and the ones who paint swastikas to honor their "Aryan" heritage.

Income: JoCo residents were "hesitant to give a number" when asked about income by the latest U.S. Census, due to their well bred upbringing, making any collected information unusable. However, residents will tastefully boast their salaries to others at dinner parties and almost any other social function. According to the figures collected from these situations, the median household income appears to be $500,000.

Johnson County residents carry an average of $4,202,990.31 in credit card debt. Lowes, Nebraska Furniture Mart, any store within Oak Park Mall, The Apple Store, Home Depot, The Gap, and Target credit cards carry the bulk of this collective debt. Not to mention the billions of dollars the Olathe Police Dept. costs its citizens yearly.

edit Political Disputes

Johnson County has filed numerous complaints about the condition of Douglas County's lawn. Wyandotte County has been asked repeatedly to keep the noise down and has also painted their house an unapproved shade of taupe. Miami County has an RV parked out front that is raising some eyebrows and the height of their privacy fence is of some concern as well due to JoCo's inability to view their every action. Johnson County insists that its property values are being harmed because neighboring Jackson County uses composite shingles rather than cedar shake tiles on its roof. It is also certainly a dirty lie that JoCo is losing value while some neighboring counties are seeing a growth in property values, county funds, and household incomes. Probably started by that jealous old bag Wyandotte County.

edit Jealousy and Disdain

Jealousy is common among citizens from poorer parts of the Kansas City metro area. Likewise, it is common for residents of Johnson County to be disdainful of other locals. This disdain is counterbalanced by young, childless Johnson Countians who are ashamed of their home for its homogeneity, and move away as soon they reach maturity. The jealousy is similarly mitigated by child-bearing Kansas Citians who aspire to suburban bliss, and move South as soon as finances allow. And so, the Johnson County line acts as a semi-permeable membrane, expelling those with more shame than kids, and attracting those with more kids than shame. The end result is a stable equilibrium that benefits all involved parties.

One disdain-filled previous Johnson Countian, Deron "D-Rev" Dentain, was so moved to help those "of color" in the less developed nations that he got a job writing tear-jerking letters describing conditions of abject poverty in countrys such as the Dominican Republic about how it would only take one Johnson Countian to donate the funds they spent at StarBfucks in a week to feed a family of 20 starving Dominican Republicans for a year. D-Rev later admitted it would make more sense in this economy to feed the Dominican Democrats who would actually eat the food, whereas Dominican Republicans tend to save food given to them with little food available for trickle-down. Unfortunately, this campaign ended in failure when D-Rev realized that Johnson Countians generally don't give a shit about people who are not themselves.

edit Famous Johnson Countians

Some famous Johnson Countians include the Stepford Wives, Darren Sproles, Cara Freie, Blondie Bumstead, Kaiser Wilhelm and don't forget the guy who runs the grocery store on TBS's 10 Items or Less. The county was named after a great name and follow.. Joe Johnson, one of the greatest guys in the land...incredibly handsome, drives a super mini van.

  • One guy in Olathe that flipped off a cop and told him to fuck off, and then the city gave him money.

Also, Paul Rudd is from Overland Park, or he stopped there for a Red Bull or something.

Waluigi was once an official skinny Police officer for the Olathe Sheriff Department until leaving to accept a job with Nintendo. He has since been heralded as one of the skinniest and best video game characters of all time.

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