Johnny Borrell

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Johnny Borrell.
“Somebody just nicked my new white silky trousers! He a real life Dorian Grey.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Johnny Borrell
“He says oh no no oh yeah yeah I said oh no no no yeah yeah yeah yeah”
~ The Libertines on Johnny Borrell


“Do you know who I am? I'm Johnny Borrell! I was at Live 8! What the fuck have you ever done for Africa?”
~ Johnny Borrell on Meeting Nelson Mandela
“OMFG!”
~ Nelson Mandela on Meeting Johnny Borrell
“Johnny keeps feeling my ass”
~ Andy Burrows on on Johnny Borrell


Johnny Borrell is a 14-year-old superhero and inventor from Muswell Hill, London. He is often credited as being the inventor of, amongst other things, popular music.

edit Early Life

Eton4

Borrell and fellow working class hero John Hassall back in their school days

Johnny was born in an exceptionally poor area of London during the 20th century. He was forced to attend Highgate School from the age of 3 years old and it was while he was here that he decided to become a superhero. He dropped out of school when he was 7 with 6 A-Levels and a masters degree in latin with classics. It was later reported he copied answers of Andy Burrows.

Shortly after this Borrell met a poor person for the first time. The experience jaded him mentally and he went into reclusion to recover from the incident. It was during this time that he invented a substance known as "Razorlight".

edit Musical Career

While Johnny was in seclusion in his silver encrusted diamond-palace, he read the popular fashion magazine, NME, to fill his time. The engaging reading material stimulated his incredibly creative and stinking rich mind, and he proceeded to race through ideas and cash. Finally in 2000 he made a breakthrough and invented Razorlight. This innovative new invention combined two of Borrell's innovative and inventive innovations: "music" and "drainpipe jeans".

Following this invention Borrell felt brave enough to go outside once again and interact with poor people. This was still a challenge for Johnny, but luckily he met a group of like-minded scientists in the Dalston Set, which included people such as future "Dirty Ugly Fuckers" frontman Carl Mârx. This proved the beginning of a happy time for Johnny as he met and fell in love with resident black man Pete Doherty. Borrell also found three impressionable 17 year old illegal immigrants - one off whom was English - who were willing to help him promote his incredible "Razorlight" invention in exchange for a one-off payment of 3 smoky bacon crisps (each).

Bribe

A major weekly music magazine receives its promotional copy of the first album

And so it was that Borrell, David Duchovny, Björn Ågren and Andy Peters started to promote Razorlight. Music and drainpipe jeans both immediately took off – occasionally even appearing independently of one another. The band started receiving a multitude of awards and accolades immdediately after their first song was released as a single. These awards include, though are not limited to:
  • Best Cinematography Academy Award 2003 - "Rip it Up" music video
  • Nobel Prize for Shoes 2004 - Johnny Borrell
  • Money
  • Nobel Prize for Chemistry 2005 - Johnny Borrell
  • Best Person Ever - Johnny Borrell

edit Reported Drug Use

Borrell

Borrell caught unaware with a cigarette.

As a prominent figure in the world of rock-and-roll, Borrell is of course no stranger to drugs. It has been suggested that he has, in the past, smoked at least one cigarette. At a Razorlight gig in the Dancing Druid in Gloucestershire, Borrell is quoted as saying to the crowd of 14 people: "Anyone in here like beer? By golly I do. Sometimes I'll drink several in a single evening!" His claims brought scorn from drink awareness groups who described his comments as "mildly destructive".

It is also rumoured that Borrell has taken caffeine pills, drunk coffee, taken a double dose of aspirin, worn sun-block and smoked insulin.

Keith Richards, in a 2005 interview with Rolling Stone Magazine, said of Borrell: "That guy's a nutter. I mean there's having a good time and then there's taking things too far. He'll be lucky if he lives to be 70."

When asked about his reckless lifestyle in an NME interview last year Borrell said "I'm just out to have a darned good time. I mean, so what if I miss the odd pension payment and spend the money on valium and expensive tea instead? It's like in that ruddy great Babyshambles song, Janie Jones: I'm in love with Rock-and-Roll. Yeah."

To say monsiuer Borrell is god could of course be argued to be true, this would of course have to be argued by......... monsiuer Borrell. As a young child the pastimes of this other worldly genius involved Pontificating,Being terminally horselike,scrubbing brown stains from the arse of his favourite "lil white trouse" and occasionally sodomising even younger children.

The name Razorlight originated when a fan was heard to say "youse ur shite" and Mister borrell busy telling the world how great he was heard razorlight and promptly thanked the gentleman and said he liked his style.

edit Imitators

Since Razorlight’s success many sad excuses for musicians have attempted to copy Borrell’s achievements. Most of them have been elderly men, such as Iguana Archibald Soda and Bob Dylan, who have copied Borrell’s public school education and right-wing politics. Dylan, in particular, caused controversy when he publicly described Borrell as "a curly haired twat".

edit Recent Life

Kirsten Dunst Drunk

A drugged Kirsten Dunst is dragged from her home and into the Razorlight abduction-bus

Since the release of Razorlight’s second album – a self-titled magnum opus – Razorlight's success has been growing day by day. The "Razorlight" album met hugely positive reviews in England, the Observer describing it as "the best psychedelic-bedsitter album since Lou Bega's death".

More recently Borrell has abducted famous "Small Soldiers" star – Kirsten Dunst. It is reported that he has cooked her a furniture cake. Borrell remains a vehement campaigner in favour of independent music. He has used some of his personal fortune - reportedly somewhere in the region of a hundred thousand trillion pounds sterling - to help out some of his favourite small-time bands, such as the Kooks.

Borrell and Pete Doherty have separated amiably after an incident backstage at Leeds Festival in 2005 in which Doherty stabbed Borrell in the face with a 1:18 scale model of a 1974 Cevrolet Chevelle SS Convertible. It is said that Borrell’s future plans include inventing painting and touching Tim Rice-Oxley on the hairs.

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