UnBooks:The Complete Asshole's Guide to Time Travel
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Time travel for too long has been a hobby exclusively of the rich, privileged, George Carlin, and the BatFuck Insane. Now complete assholes like you -- yes, you -- can enjoy all the fun and excitement of risking creating considerable damage to the space-time continuum, and this book will take you through each step!
Are you ready? You bet your sweet ass you are!
edit The Right Time Machine for You
Time travel is something not to be taken lightly, and neither is choosing the method by which you travel. How you arrive back in the stone age will affect how the primitives feel about you. How you arrive in late 50's Palestine will affect how they want to blow you, and your time device, to pieces. How you arrive in 1920s Soviet Union, time machine won't know what the hell is YOU!!
So be sure to keep the following in mind:
- Look Classy. Showing up in a dweeby customized 1980's car, or a telephone booth, is surely not a good way to help you score some Neanderthal pussy. Stay sleek, and don't hesitate to assert your masculinity. The only thing sexier than your time machine should be your monster, throbbing manliness.
- Don't Cheap-Out, But Don't Be Stupid. Considering buying the time machine equivalent to a Pinto? I certainly hope not, or you're a cheapskate and a fag. This is time travel folks, not your transport between the video store and your mother's basement. Don't let yourself look trashy. But also don't be a jackass and spend ten times more than you need to. Be moderate, and as long as you don't get a pussy hybrid time machine, you should be set.
- Don't Let Yourself Get Scammed. If you don't know much about time machines, bring a friend who does. Loser time machine salesmen often scam retards like you, which could result in your permanence in the age of the black plague, all alone, with a rotting excuse for what you call a "body."
- CD Player. Seriously, only dildos have tape-decks anymore.
Remember to take these recommendations into account, and don't rush yourself into a purchase!
edit How to Choose Your Travels
You've purchased your device of time travel. Now what? Where should you travel? Remember the three H's: Hilarity, Hijinx, and Hellraising. Who wants to be a nerd and travel back in time to see human progress, or the interesting sociological impact of past events? Not you! At least, not if you're totally awesome and worthwhile. The main purpose of time travel is to explore your inner awesomeness, and to be as much of a dick as possible!
The first H is Hilarity. Find places to go where you could allow yourself to get a really good laugh. I'm talking one of those deeply-rooted hearty motherfuckers. Go to the middle ages and "borrow" an iron maiden, and capture random old people to throw into it. There really is nothing more funny than watching old people suffer. Go back to Roman controlled Palestine in the times of Jesus, and set up crimes to get old people crucified. While anything involving pain and old people is fucking gold, don't hesitate to be creative in your own ways, to accommodate your own sense of humour.
The second H is Hijinx. Threatening the very existence of space and time can always lift one's mood. Think of ways that would be enjoyable to severely fuck-up the progress of history. Slaughter Gandhi as a child, sodomize Jesus, give nuclear technology to the 1930s Japanese. Then sit back, and enjoy the results!
The final H is Hellraising. Hellraising serves absolutely no point other than to let off some steam. Had a terrible day at work? Get some AK-47s and a Hummer, and teach the Iroquois tribe a lesson! The girlfriend cheated? Plant land mines outside of Susan B. Anthony's home! Just plain depressed? Paralyze Hellen Keller from the neck down! The possibilities of death and destruction are endless, and are a sure-fire way to make your stay in the past, or future, enjoyable.
edit Why Not to Go to the 1980s
To understand why not to travel to the 1980s, we first should evaluate what good has come from the 1980s, its valuable contributions to humanity, society, and the universe:
As you can see, while it has had its share of positive contributions, the danger of interfering with these contributions is too great. While nobody knows what would happen for sure, without such great products of the 80s as Metallica, MTV, and Ronald Reagan... we could have a society more terrible, more unbearable, than one could ever imagine.
If you hate your life and want to die, however, it is highly recommended to travel to the 1980s.
While traveling back in time to molest your great-grandmother as a child can be fun for the whole family, your actions in the past can cause noticeable and dangerous ripple effects on the space-time continuum. There are a number of theoretical paradox situations that you could encounter, including these more prominent ones:
edit The Grandfather Paradox
The grandfather paradox is a commonly referenced paradox of time travel. The paradoxical argument brings up the following possibility in time travel: Say you go to the past, but bump into your grandfather, preventing him from ever meeting your grandmother. But it's a rainy day out, and his drenched white t-shirt accents the curvature of every moist muscle on his glistened torso. You decide to move in for a soft, subtle kiss, to which he responds with his own, exciting you in ways you've never been excited. His soft lips make your soul tingle with pleasure, his delicate hands explore every inch of your body.
With a deep passion, you rip each others' tight, restricting clothing off, violently making passionate love for hours. This glorious sexual journey is so raunchy that it renders your grandfather sterile, so your father was never able to be born. But in this case, then neither would you have been, meaning you couldn't go back in time to make your sensual, beautifully carved grandfather sterile in the first place. In which case your father would be born, and therefore you would be born and make love to your grandfather, and etc etc. Therein lies the paradox.
The way to avoid causing this paradox is simple. Never have your own grandfather. In fact, if you meet your own grandfather, it is probably safer to shoot him, just to be sure.
edit Predestination Paradox
The predestination paradox is a paradox which exists in conflict with the grandfather paradox. This paradox states that history is unchangeable, and that anything that happened in the past already has - that any changes you make in the past happened before you even traveled back.
With this paradox, it is still possible to have a beautiful love-making experience with your grandfather. But science would state that it would have to be so passionate, and so violently raunchy, that your thrusts un-sterilize him. This would allow that you still be born, to be able to travel to the past to experience your grandfather's pure streaming manliness.
edit Procrastination Paradox
A procrastination paradox occurs when you really meant to get around to time travel, but you just couldn't stop spending hours at your PC playing Duke Nukem 3D. The paradox comes into play in four parts:
- There really is no need to put off that game of Duke Nukem: You've got a fucking time machine, asshole! You can get around to killing your grandfather and having sex with your grandmother whenever you want. As for your moral dilemma involving using your time machine to kill Hitler--is it better to let one man live, while countless others die, the sanctity of life being paramount in this argument--take the middle road and kill some generic Nazis by skipping to number two below:
- Duke Nukem was actually a pretty terrible game. Quake, any version, was a much, much better game. You'll end up using your time machine to go back and buy a copy of Quake instead of Duke Nukem 3D and thus spend hours at your PC playing Quake instead of Duke Nukem. Hence: Paradox!
- Quake pretty much sucked, too. Compared to the games you would have played in the future, at any rate. Get away from the PC!
- My bad, I was actually thinking of Wolfenstein 3D in Part One above. So if you're troubled about killing Hitler and want to shoot some generic Nazis instead, play that game. Which also sucked.
edit Pair a Dykes Paradox
When lesbians enter the time travel equation, look out! Hijinks may very well ensue.
edit Be Sure to Have Fun!
Well you stupid asshole, now you're ready to venture off in time... to go see the dinosaurs, or the effects of fingering your future grandson on your pimped-out hover car!
Make sure to keep a copy of this publication on you at all times for reference, and we hope you have a mediocre time (at best)!