Jon Stewart

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“It's Jon Stewar”
~ Stephen Colbert on Jon Stewart
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Jonstewart

This is the dude who will be talking for a while.

Jonathan "Jon" Stewart (born November 28, 1962) is a Jewish writer, performer, producer, comedian, and penny-pincher. He is best-known as the host of The Daily Show, and is considered America's Most Important Jew. He is best friends with comedy traitor Stephen Colbert, who hosts his own Daily Show spinoff titled The Colbert Report.

Early career

Stewart began as an unsuccessful stand-up comedian. Many claimed that his failure in stand-up was due to the fact that his comedy was too clever for his audience - in fact, Jon was simply not funny. His "unfunnyness" coupled with his "Jewishness" was the perfect combination for the producers at MTV who gave him his own show. They titled it "The Jonathan Aronwitz Davidowitz Stuart Monitz Leibowitz Jewington Schmolritz Show" in an attempt to "Jew-up" the network and help shed its "Moral Christian Network" image. Unfortunately, MTV's plan backfired and the show was soon cancelled. Shortly there after Jon dropped a few names and became, simply, "Jon Stewart."

The Daily Show

“Like the majority of the American people, it's my only source of news!”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Daily Show
“Like the majority of the American people, it's my only source of jews!”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Daily Show
“Up All Night Reading Oscar Wilde Makes Me Giggle Obscenities.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jon Stewart, that suspiously short man from the Daily Show
.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart recruited Jon as host in 1999 as he was the only actor they could find actually named Jon Stewart to fill the title role. The show's main focus is "fake news," or how it's known in the United States - "news." The show's writers, in conjunction with Jon and the rest of the show's news correspondents, have been honored with Emmy awards, Peabody awards, and a painfully nagging case of genital herpes.

Unfortunately, it appears that the show may be cancelled due to its Jewiness and reported communist ties. In response to this so-called "outrage", Jon Stewart had this to say: "AHHH! The Day of the Jew has come. Fear me!" Shortly after this outburst was observed, he spontaneously combusted.

The show is completely carbon neutral: it is powered solely by Jon's huge ego.

Near conquest of Earth

Begining around 1997, Jon began with correspondent Stephen Colbert a conquest of America. He would have succeeded too, especially since Bush came into power, but lost it when Colbert murdered Steve Carrell's stand-up carrer and began a near assasination of Stewart. He then went into hiding, only to return with a new look, and had changed his name to be pronounced like "bear". When asked once about his relationship with Stewart, Colbert shot him.

Colbert went on to successfuly take over North America in 2010 and two years later, created the Colbert Union. Its first act was the hanging of Stewart, but he then escaped. He was not seen again for many months, but by then Colbert had conquered Africa and all of Asia except China, which fell in 2018.

Personal Life

Producing, writing, and performing on a daily basis left Jon with a pathetic excuse for a personal life. It's as if someone also circumcised his soul.

He was our most Precious Jew.

Jon Spends His Time

  • Pwning EVERYONE'S ASS
  • Practicing his telekenesis
  • Playing World of Warcraft online (pwning n00bs)
  • Inventing the solar-powered flashlight (almost finished)
  • Trying to fix the signal in his flux-capaciter so he can finally call down David's star to carry him home
  • Giggling in high tones
  • Reading books of poetry and prose on cool spring nights
  • Tending to his very sensitive armpits. He must use pads to keep his sweat from staining his shirts. It calls for a dampning with rubbing alcohol twice a day.
  • Listening to Demetri Martin
  • Using linux
  • Bringing sexy back for a one night stand.
  • Taking your girlfriend and never calling her again.
  • Selling prescription drugs to David Letterman.

Special Appearances

Hosted the following:

Guest on:

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