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I am Armand D. Geyman, a major Internet user, downloader of online pornography and the operator of the highly popular IRC channel "TessasFavs", a chat room for discussions relating to actress Tessa Allen's favorite things and hobbies. Due to recent Chrismas turkey-related mishaps occurred to Uncyclopedia.wikia.com's regular legal advisors (with one currently suffering from a severe case of turkey overdose while the other sustaining injuries from a frozen turkey launched from a cannon usually reserved for clowns and stunt actors), I have assumed the privilege to represent the aforementioned website regarding to your allegations against the content as displayed on http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/John_Scherer, which is accused of portraying the CEO and Founder John W. Scherer "in a false and defamatory light". "[S]everal pieces" of said content also purportedly "infringe on Video Professor's intellectual property rights and are being used in violation of the law".
Due to the severity of the above allegations, I consulted several of my colleges, who were subsequently seen passing a print-out of your complaint letter to each other in ecstatic amusement. Since I cannot obtain proper feedback from them as they are still recovering from stomach spasms, I have sought advices from a renowned legal expert, which was also, as it turned out, one of our active website administrators' 4-year-old daughter, who promptly pointed her index finger at a television set displaying an image of Paris Hilton and instantaneously responded with three words, "That's hot!" (Note that the word "is" was abbreviated at the time of pronouncement.)
Additionally, I have researched on subjects relating to your complaints and obtained the following findings:-
an incriminating photograph picturing the image of a red pair of laced thongs from underneath a skirt worn by a female,
that your case against Uncyclopedia.wikia.com is weak and will unlikely succeed at a court of law, and
that the color of an orange is indeed orange.
Since I am not a professional painter or artist, I can only present you my best attempt of illustrating an orange using the "Paint" program that came with my computer. Yes, it seems unsightly but nonetheless gives you a decent perception of the texture and consistency of the actual fruit.
Nothing in this letter should be construed as a waiver, relinquishment or election of rights or remedies by I, Armand D. Geyman, or of Uncyclopedia.wikia.com, which I do not truly represent. Both Uncyclopedia.wikia.com and Mr. Geyman expressly reserve all rights and remedies of drawing poorly constructed images of oranges under all applicable laws.
Armand D. Geyman
Your Internet Attorney