John Petrucci

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“He's a fucking robot”

~ Blues on John Petrucci

John Petrucci, also known as , is a guitar player and extension of Jordan Rudess best known as a founding member of the Lebanese folk group Dream Theater (The band founded their name from the inspirational Canadian rap group known as "Dream Theatre".) He is often ridiculed for his series of unintentionally humourous facial expressions while playing guitar. Jordan Rudess has claimed that the "Petrucci is the finest robot I've ever made through magic."

It is often said that the only person that can match John's power is Chuck Norris, and only just. John can also do a single crap weighing 10 kilograms. He holds the world record, beating God by 7 kilograms in an all out crap war. There were no survivors...

Often criticised for a lack of originality and crap (indeed, Petrucci is renowned for having played only one chord, the infamous Em17dim11sus1200(♭5♭9)/E♭ chord, in his entire career), he is nevertheless an extremely popular musician, labelled by his mother, a Teradactyl, as 'the most talented guitar player' in the history of folk. Those who have protested against this claim, likening it to the statement that Derek Sherinian is the most charismatic person in progressive rock, have since been scarred by the displeasure of Petrucci.

Petrucci was born December 25th, 0 AD to a Teradactyl and Spawn. This, obviously meant that Petrucci was immediately pronounced supreme Dragon Lord. He is also notable for saving the cheerleader,inventing the dinosaur and having the world's first boner.

[edit] History

A painting by Leonardo Da Vinci (circa 1456), where he clearly mistook Petrucci as a model of Jesus.

John and his rabid camel named Quincy took interest in world domination from an early age. Hoping to further his plans, he started to play guitar at age 8 when he discovered the ability to make 14 year old guitar noobs worship and masturbate to him nightly around the world. His father locked him in his basement for fear of John destroying the galaxy. Here, John spent five years practicing guitar using a bit of wood he found and surviving on small mammals. When his supply of small mammals ran out, he was forced to eat his bit of wood which is thought to contribute to his desire to shred so fast people's bodies explode. John soon learned that if this failed to occur, a guitar can also serve as a useful projectile, with the same result of pain.

He began to practice playing guitar with the intention of entertaining people and donkeys in Guernsey, as opposed to killing them, when he was invited into the band of his friend Kevin Moore, who would later become the first keyboardist of Dream Theater. He was a largely self-taught guitarist who developed his skills through attempts to match the skill of his idols, who included Alex Lifeson, Steve Vai, Steve Howe, Stephen V of Hungary, Stephen Harper, Stephanie Seymour, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Weird Al Yankovich, Steve-O, Stephen A. Smith, Al Gore,Al Paccino and Steve Irwin and me jokingly referred to his guitar idols as "the Steves and the Als". Petrucci is also known for looking up to current Berklee College of Music student Word Strickland.

While not on tour, Petrucci enjoys doing his ancestors' job.

John attended the Juilliard School of Music in Mexico with childhood friend Fred Durst, where they met future bandmate Nick Mason (drums). These three in addition to another childhood friend of Petrucci and Durst, Jordan Rudess (Keyboards), formed the band Pink Floyd, which would later become Dream Theater.

John has released a video, "Rock Discipline", which, he claims, instructs the audience on playing guitar ( it is truly a mind control device which he is using to control the minds of orphans which he plans to eat). It covers warm-up exercises, exercises to avoid injury, sweeping, power chords, extension chords and other miscellaneous (but somewhat random) aspects of life.

In 2001 he was chosen by Steve Vai to tour with him and Joe Satriani on their G3 (world domination) tour. Influenced by Vai, he was exposed to a massive number of fans, which inspired him to purchase hundreds of electric fans of his own, which he would place on the floor during gigs to dramatically blow hair from his face.

Petrucci also wrote and recorded two instrumental soundtrack songs for a NES game titled Super Mario Bros. Each track is roughly two minutes long and they are simply titled "Prologue" and "Epilogue". John is an avid fan of retrogaming, and believes that modern game consoles were "fashioned by the Deil's ane hand", holding them responsible for the accidental deaths of thousands of people, which were, in truth, caused by his shredding.

Was recently named "Greatest Living Dream Theater Guitar Player" by good friend Mike Portnoy. He stated in VH1's metal mania that he grew a long beard because of his obsession with Dave Navarro, and also because he wanted to trick Carmen Electra to fuck her. John states in his Rock Discipline DVD that he kidnapped his good friends Mark Snider and Jim Dunlop to build him the "Pedalboard of Death." Similar to what Hitler did to Einstein for creating the atomic bomb. His guitars include his signature pickup which switches from world domination to killzone mode, both similar functions, but the killzone is for more massive death purposes. As an advice to aspiring young musicians he said to go on a strict diet of plants and small mammals as he is a vegan this is so that build your muscles in a way that you will eventually be made out of wood and can shred fast enough to kill people twice over and rape their souls twice.

Fuck the world.

An avid Street Fighter fan, he intensely studied the Dark Hadou and ended up killing his wise Kung Fu master Joe Satriani since his powers, combined with his shredding ability were just too much to handle.

He was recently accused of steroid use for his suddenly massive physique by Rafael Palmeiro, But he responded by saying "My awesome shredding abilities are finally starting to reflect on my body."

Petrucci has never been seen playing with more than 2% of his potential, but has twice used over this self-set limit. The first time was in Japan, in a cave underground.

The only other time this kind of technicality has been performed by John was the time he traveled countless light years west of Alabama, ending up in a fictional world created by John 14 times faster than the speed of light. Seeing it was an indespensible world, he played to 6% of his full potential, and by doing so, created seven hundred and thirteen galaxies, Hitler, the ability to kill Hitler (cyanide), racism, asses, dinosaurs, homosexuality, homophobia, disease, vaccines and sex. To this day, he regrets creating Hitler, but is "just glad he didn't cause the deaths of millions of people."

[edit] Equipment

Vegeta! What does the scouter say about his power level?

As well as playing the Guitar, John Petrucci is highly adept at playing the Flying Trout which he plugs into a 50,000 watt Suitcase as Suitable (har har) amplification Devicings.

His main guitar is the Ernie Ball Wang-caster(The only known guitar that is able to go into World Domination mode), because you know what they say about a man with a Wang-caster... He eats a lot of cheese!

His old main guitar is an Ibanez JPM made by Mr. Ibanez. The guitar was painted by Michelangelo(Not that guitar n00b but the guy that painted jesus on the ceiling) and has pickups hand-wired by Tony Blair.

He switched to Ernie Ball when he found his Ibanez's strings had all melted and lost the ability to kill people sporadically. He switched to Ernie Ball and immediately played so fast that Mr Ibanez exploded and Tony Blair became a hermaphrodite.

Up until this point, Petrucci has also been using a signature model known as Geddy Lee. The Geddy model is held in high esteem in professional circles for its high pitched tone, large nose and lack of testicles.

His other main guitar is the necessatator, which has 78 strings. He is able to play this due to the extra three fingers on his left hand.

He also plays the Exaggerator, which is a Japanese condom, which he usually puts over his head and runs into small children and angry monkeys with.

Mr. Petrucci owns a very large guitar rig, one of the biggest among folk guitar players. It's said that with it he can control the revolutions of the earth, temperature of the sun and the number of deaths world wide. His unique "Pedalboard of Death" has many presets including "TRIAL TEAR" and "ASS MOON", and can also trigger mines placed in the audience, release killer bees from the footrests, and signal Michael Angelo Batio to drop down from the roof with 4 guitars and slice people's faces open. Over 20,000 people are rumored to die in Dream Theater shows, what he describes as "A truly amazing sight to behold." This claim is unsubstantiated as no one has ever come out with their sanity intact after witnessing his brain melting solos. His guitar tech, Yngwie Malmsteen, who he found rotting in a ditch somewhere, also designed a preset book for him which also includes recipes for gourmet Swedish pizzas, cheesecakes, deep-fried pancakes, along with lists of previously killed band mates like the late great Joe Satriani, Norwegian black metal instigator Euronymous and the virtually anonymous Eric Johnson.

His rack, built by Mr. Rackman, consists of several custom made units which no one else can afford, plus a custom tweaked Mesa/Boogie Mark IVC+ on top. All of this ends up in a couple of Mesa 4x12" Cabinets with Celestion V40's speakers in them.