John Muir was a Scottish-American crime lord who weaponized squirrels, elk, deer, wolves, bears, and other wildlife animals. He is best known for creating National Parks which are really underground animal mafia bases. He is currently hiding among the Redwoods of Yosemite, where he plans to ruin Christmas, so he can defeat his bitter rival, who outdoes him in holiday themed winter clothes. The United States government funds him through the super-secret National Parks program. The United States government claims that he is "a respected environmentalist", along with those cronies at Wikipedia, the government controlled superstate evilness organization.
John Muir Watching For Police Helicopters

John Muir watches for helicopters owned by park rangers and police

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about John Muir.

Early Life

John Muir was born a simple Scottish boy. He drank a lot like a true ethnic slur and had worn kilts over kilts time after time again. Once he became seven, he discovered his love of nature. As a boy, he always liked how plants are green and also how dirt is brown. He played with a raccoon he named Bill, who stole his clothing and sold it for airplane tickets, as John Muir was not a dainty playmate. Eyewitnesses claim that John Muir "chucked FUCKING ROCKS, yes, GODDAMN ROCKS" at the planes he saw leave the airport, hoping the raccoon would be very badly hurt. By the time he was eight, he started bonding with Deer instead. He often recalled how they "grazed peacefully" and how they "looked like Bambi. He followed his deer friend into a local street, and got run over three times. Regretting his decision to act like a deer, a local had once said that John Muir had decided "eat my fucking lawn and get run over by my car", he looked for new animal friends.

As a teenager, he quit nature and he soon discovered the art of war. His first attempt at creating a war machine was when he made a bagpipe grenade launcher and created a kilt origami machine gun. He became fascinated by nature again shortly after his inventions. He related with squirrels as a teenager, inspired by how they have no job, life, money, or responsibilities. He joined a local squirrel gang after being attacked a few times. As a squirrel gang member, he often made strange screeching noises every single time he saw a person.
Teenage JohnMuir Makes Stupid Quotes

John Muir published this image as a teenager, thinking that being like a squirrel is a good idea.

John Muir had done a large variety of odd jobs during his childhood. As a child running low on cash, he was a gun for hire, an Amazon Alexa, the Governor of Texas, and a lawnmower. However, none of these jobs fulfilled his destiny and he resorted to begging while repeating lines from "Annie".

John Muir's Father

John Muir's Father was a religious man who joined the Campbellite revolution in an attempt to create a Campbell soup-themed cult. Shortly after being arrested for suffocating many people with Campbell soup, he escaped prison and immigrated to America. He was disgusted by the large amount of burgers in America, so he decided to introduce the soup. He became leader of the Campbell Soup Cult and founded the Campbell Soup Company. It is thought that he was the inspiration for John Muir's crime lifestyle.

Experiencing Yosemite

After moving to California after discovering his father's evil plan to sell him for soup, he settled in Yosemite National Park. He was reportedly "madly in love" (according to an asylum worker) with his new found squirrel gang. Shortly after preaching about the benefits of Squirrel Rabies to the locals, he was put into an asylum. Using the ancient art of "Squirrel Power" (as described by him in his book), he broke out of the local jail using a crowbar. An asylum guard had said that he heard John Muir "scream like a squirrel very loudly".

As he was a young teenager at this time, he decided to spray paint random boulders with "funny drawings". These drawings are now hailed as artifacts from the Late Ice Age by top scientists and historians, leaders of their field. Geologists say the "Earth just did that".

He also liked climbing trees, some say he clumb the the Fucking Giant Tree using only his Fist and his Face. How he did this is unknown, some professionals such as five year old theorists from the History Channel say that "he is an alien", with super Jumpman (C) (TM) (R) abilities.

Some even say that he halfed Half Dome with the super power of Fractions, "an ancient unknown art", says uneducated teenager.

Later on in his explorations, he found out if humans were able to loiter on the park, they would find his "funny drawings".

Creation of the Yosemite Park

After assaulting several dogs chasing squirrels, he sat on a bench and thought a while. He decided that a squirrel cult was just like his evil father's Campbell Soup Cult. He decided to be a benevolent soul and decided to sell disturbing criminal products by using a National Park as a front. As Law & Order once said, "You may want to close your eyes, viewer discretion is advised".
Loser attacked

One of the reasons why he quit the Squirrel Cult

You have been warned

Some criminal products include winter clothes (shudder), hipster wood walking sticks engraved with (more shuddering), and even worse, postcards. He also mass-produces roleplay forums (extreme amounts of shuddering).


To found the National Park of Yosemite, he usually protested peacefully.

John Muir usually peacefully protested by throwing rocks, hard objects, blunt objects, metal objects, ballistic missiles and practicing acupuncture on people. He usually wrote long essays on the benefits of not finding his "funny drawings". He often gave speeches about how the government is one big lie and that Obama is a [Hologram|hologram]. After his short peace spree, he was elected as Master of the Universe

Scientific Contributions

John Muir theorized that icebergs had created Yosemite park. He said that icebergs threw a bunch of rocks around because "they mad[sic]". He said nothing else about this.

Other Criminal Activity

John Muir is convicted of arming several animals in an attempt to reduce the amount of competitors by destroying jacket factories and hipster sweatshops. In fact, every single funny animal fighting video that is mass-shared on low-quality sharing sites is really one of Muir's men. They are traveling. They are coming. They will destroy your winter clothes and sell you the Muir kind, with a print of a national park on it. They are coming, I repeat, they are coming.