John Mayer
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“I want to sex him up.”
“The boy sure wants to be black, but he aint!”
“He reminds me of myself...only younger”
“He's good... just no Dave Matthews”
“That's enough John Mayer”
“Seriously, what did he just say?”
“Man, he sings like a woman! ”
Sir John Claystone Boromir Darth Mayer XIII is a rock and roll enigma. He's so enigmatic he doesn't have a beard. He used to work with pop, but Snap and Crackle got jealous, so John, defeated, got the blues and had to find a new kind of music.
John was visited in a dream by an angel named Mikaael Jackson. Mikaael told him that women would willingly felate him if he sang the blues. Despite the fact that he has 17 vaginas, he decided fellatio was a suitable reward. Before he even woke up, Mayer was already listening to Elvis and began experimenting with the fellating he was promised. As there was no woman there, he decided he must achieve this himself. He now has a steel pin in his neck and will never quite walk again.
He was speculated to be a part of the Dave Matthews Band but all claims were dismissed in a court of law, under Miss Piggy and Big Bird. John hit big with such singles as "Your Booty Is a Wonderland Bigger than Mine" and "Clearity". He admits his favorite song is "What Is Love" by Haddaway. He likes it better than his own music. He likes long walks in the park and committing perversions of nature.
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[edit] Life on Earth to This Point
John was created in a lab in Connectthedots where he spent most of his days watching Saved by the Bell from his school dungeon until he realized he needed a life. He put away his porno mags, and stopped fantasising about Nicole Kidman and started fantasising about Tom Cruise.
He was granted magical advice from the ghost of Stevie Wonder and picked up a guitar, his weapon of choice. It was an amazing guitar. None could imagine how amazing it was. Guess what came next... He stank. So he took a bath, but played guitar pretty well. After his bath John got to work on a new invention he called the cotton bowl but he later named the Cotton Gin however the patent interfeared with the release of his album so the pattent was given to Madonna for safekeeping.
After inventing the Cotton Gin John decided to get back to music writing the hit song 'Your Booty Is A Wonderland' one night while on an acid trip. Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Australia was babysitting John and overheard the beautiful medley and decided to pursuade Mayer that he was Stevie Wonder and that the song belonged to him.
He always has the wrong pickup on. This causes his drummer JJ Jackson to get pissed that he has to lay down his phat beats twice in a row. God damnit, John Mayer.
Johns most famous song to date 'Your Booty Is My Wonderland' which is loved by all of his adoring female fans was actually written for a guy. He is also the proud founder of his own unique 'F*cking/Slapping' guitar technique of which he his the only person in the known universe who can use it. It is thought that nobody can or will ever learn this technique as John Mayer has the added advantage of being born with two separate hands at the end of his right arm.
John spent many days with his school chums watching girls pass by and playing acoustic lullabies for them. Once he got laid (by a 60 year old man) and he became a much happier lad. When he got laid by a 90 year old woman, he was happier still!
He once had sex with 14 girls onstage, who were all 14 years old.
At one point in time circa 6 AD. He dated Jessica Simpson. they have a child together named Bart Simpson. Everyone knew them as the Simpsons.
Wishes he was Eric Clapton, but doesnt realise that eric clapton is old, useless and wears glasses.
John spends most of his nights recording teenage girls, turning those tapes into hit songs and crying himself to sleep on his large pile of money.
Dylan-Alexandria would like to point out that she loves John Mayer.
[edit] Tree-Oh
John formed a trio with some Chinese black guy named John Legend and a reject from The Who, their work was destroyed in the WTC Attacks on September 11th 2001. One they got laid, they all were happier lads with AIDS. He also loves fisticuffs.. lol
[edit] Music Albums He's Made Sometime Ago
- Whats Inside Your Pants
- Room For Triangles
- Hot Stuff (Johns attempt at disco)
- Livin' with Your Mom
- Sexy Man Continuum
