Lost (TV series)/characters
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"Lost" is well known for being one of the few shows left on TV today to use characters in its plots. Most of these characters are documented below.
edit Main Characters
The token lovable yet sadistic blonde. Vincent is the main character of Lost, with most of the show's storylines revolving around him. He is presumably evil and seems to have some hand in the deaths of several others on the island. It is not known what his true intentions are, and whether they include the islanders or not. Walt was his best friend, and he has been getting rather depressed ever since Walt was stolen. It has been confirmed repeatedly by the writers of the show that Vincent is Jake Ob, even though everyone had already guessed it.
- Origin: New York.
- Catchphrase: ""Man, do I miss Walt. But I sure am glad that bitch Shannon's dead.""
- Trivia: He is a Scientologist.
- Played by: A girl, actually.
- Best friend: The psychic black kid.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org.
edit Jack Shephard
The token spinal surgeon. He spends his time on the island harrassing Kate or hitting on what he calls "Sexy Sawyer Pants". Jack manages to save all the main characters using nothing more than water, aspirin, and duct tape. There's a malpractice suit waiting for all the redshirts that he didn't save because of the island's six-month waiting list. Locke likes to keep him around to patch people up so he can try to kill them several times. He cries in approximately 97% of the scenes he's featured in. He graduated medical school early, but failed anger management class 17 times after losing his job as a repo man.
- Origin: Hospital.
- Played by: Matthew Fox.
- Trivia: He's named after the stars of the two Stargate television shows, Jack O'Neill and John Shephard.
- Catchphrase: "Locke, as leaders of the island, I think it's our duty to keep everything a secret from everyone else, and to hope they don't kill us in their quest for the truth."
- Best friend: Kate.
- Email: email@example.com.
- Token brunette serial killer. Kate is intended to be a parody of your ex-wife who seduces and manipulates you and then spits you out while wasting your better years with titillating but unfulfilled innuendo. As the center of the island's love tetrahedron™, Kate has already slept with most of the cast and the ABC television film crew. In one episode, Kate and Jack were spotted walking through the jungle holding hands! In response, Sawyer decided to sleep with Ana Lucia. Kate's mother is aunt Zelda from Sabrina the Teenage Witch and so, presumably, she can perform magic.
- The decision was made to have Sawyer give Kate the nickname 'freckles', after studio bosses rejected the idea of casting a more buxom actress in the part and having her referred to as 'jugs'. 'Blacky', 'cyclops', and 'monoped' were also rejected, for fear of complaints from various organizations.
- Origin: Chicago
- Played by: Angelina Jolie
- Trivia: Despite her notorious sexual escapades, Kate will never ever sleep with you.
- Catchphrase: "If that's just a banana in your pocket, I'm going to have to kill you. If not, I'll be waiting in my hut..."
- Best friend: Jack the doctor.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Token piece of hot male ass. Sawyer spends most of his time rejecting sexual advances from Jack. He also has a deep hatred of frogs. This probably stems from his time spent living among them, after his parents were turned into frogs by a disgruntled fairy godmother. A self-confessed kleptomaniac, Sawyer also seems to have everything anybody needs on the island, including: suntan lotion, the flight manifest, Shannon's inhaler medicine,
the rest of the water, nicknames for everybody, poker chipsfruit, and books about bunnies. At one point he decides to seduce Ana Lucia in a attempt to show the world he's not trailer trash, but Ana Lucia turns out to be token trailer trash.
- Origin: Jail
- Played by: Himself
- Trivia: Sawyer single handedly proved that chicks are attracted to racism and intolerance.
- Catchphrase: "Well, Freckles, where I come from, the horn dogs just keepin' me sane are jumpin' with my hillbilly crap YEE HAH!"
- Best friend: Freckles the notorious serial killer
- Email: email@example.com
- Token mysterious guy. Locke enjoys the odd game or two, flirting with Oscar, and chatting on the snowglobenet. In fact, he's hardly ever away from his computer. He also may very well be Jesus Incarnate himself. He's stricken with on-again-off-again paralysis and male pattern baldness. He also likes to entertain the other islanders with his patent "Wacky Island Head Paste!™". "Wacky Island Head Paste!™" is actually mescaline which Locke at one time smuggled inside the walls of cardboard boxes. Upon being fired from his job at the box factory for shoving Risk figures into his boss's orifices, Locke cut off his legs and replaced them with hollow wooden legs as a means to continue with his mescaline operation. Upon waking on the island, Locke found his legs mysteriously returned. In his free time Locke enjoys blowing shit up that would help the castaways get off the island including: Mikaels communication centre, the submarine and Miles (he sneezed)In season 3 It is revealed that John Locke is actually a super baddy boy ninja and In the season 3 finale he buries a shuriken so far into Naomi's head that she became a human pinata and Jack, Vincent and hurley all had a jolly good time hitting her with golf clubs. However when it was revealed she didnt contain sweets Hurley ran into the jungle and drove his lambourghini into some udders. John Locke watches from the trees, as he enjoys a sirloin steak. He is currently writing his autobiography entitled Don't Tell Me What I Can't Do.
- Origin: England
- Played by: Sir Stephen Hawking
- Trivia: Named after 17th century snooker champion John Locke.
- Catchphrase: "Don't you dare tell me what I can't do!"
- Best friend: The Island. Hmmm...what would their kid look like?
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
John Locke recently brought a musical side project, entitled, "Locke Up Yo' Daughters", and has finished on his latest album, "Back Up In Yo' Ass With Zee Resurrection!". The lucritive album was released at apporximately 2am this morning, along the release of his hit single, "Im A BAD DADDY! (Amma' cut you up bitch)". A live performance of his hit single can be seen at this location:
At the grand opening of the album Lil' Jon had this to say about the album.
“AWW HELL MutherFUCKUH, THIS SHIT IS DOPE!!"”
John locke's next single will be entitled, "I Fought John LAWKE, and John LAWKE WON", followed by another single entitled, "I AM!....THE LAWKE!", stated in a recent interview with "Omniscience" magazine. The album also features a guest appearance on the album from President Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln, who recently released his solo album "Four Score And Seven Shreds Ago...", appears on the title track to John Locke's album, performing a guitar solo that lasts for approximately 24 minutes and 17.48729238 seconds. Lincoln had this to say on the recording of his guest solo:
“Four score...wait...umm...Four score and seven, wait shit sorry...I'll get it right this time. Four score and seven ye-”
edit Tom Hanks
- Token insane FedEx worker. Crash-landed on the island after trying to rape a stewardess in the bathroom stall. Vin Diesel was aboard and ate him then shat him out in the stall, making him land on the island. He dates a mermaid that lives in the beach's reef, although this romance was short-lived as he did not inform the mermaid that he has the clap. He later finds Wilson in the jungle and the two instantly become best friends. They constantly smoke hardcore opium, the kind of which only grows on the island, during which they are surrounded by thick black smoke. During this time they go berserk and sometimes attack the other losties. So far this has caused the death of Mr. Ekonomikz, Boone, Jesus, Mary, Todd MacFarlane, Andy Dick, and a zebra.
- Origin: Hollywood
- Played by: Andy Garcia
- Trivia: Enjoys eating laxatives
- Catchphrase: "This could work!"
- Best friend: Wilson the Volleyball
- Email: email@example.com
- Token volleyball with a heart of gold. Also a love interest for Kate. Wilson is the island's resident therapist. If any of the characters have a problem, they go to Wilson and he'll listen to their problems and offer a shoulder to cry on. You never see his face (because he has none).
- Origin: Japan
- Played by: Tachikara
- Trivia: WIIIILLSSOON!!!!
- Catchphrase: "Hi ho good neighbor. "
- Best friend: (crying)"I don't have any friends. Everyone just unceremoniously hits me over a net."
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Token funny fat rich guy. Hurley is part Hutt and is said to be a clone of Hagrid. Back in the real world, he's worth over $42 trillion and change. This he has made from his kitten empire, which specializes in rare and exotic breeds. He has not lost any weight since arriving on the island, which has led many people to hypothesize that he is in fact absorbing other islanders. Also goes under the alias "Notorious B.I.G." In his previous life, he and his hetero-life partner Jay sold fireworks, ate children, and stole from (other) lottery winners.
- Origin: Mr. Cluck's Chicken Shack
- Played by: Jabba the Hunk
- Trivia: His nickname comes from a magical purple unicorn the writers saw when "planning the series".
- Catchphrase: "Dude. I'm fat. Dude."
- Best friend: Dude. Just about everyone.
- Email: email@example.com
edit Charlie Hobbiton
- Token druggie. Charlie is British, from a small Shire village in Middle Earth, and a nephew of the Queen. He is also particularly small. Though it takes him a while to get used to the idea of no second breakfast, elevensies, lunch, luncheon, or tea, Charlie eventually turns out to be just a lovable and cuddly heroin addict. He was also a member of the rock band Suck Shaft. A bit of a legend. Steals from poor orphans and eats babies. As a result is a very good friend of Hurley's. He regularly puts on one-man rock concerts in a heroic effort to keep "The Udders" away. Possibly could be the vessel of the possibly deceased Locke, and possibly wants everybody dead. Charlie's backstory involves a ring, feet reduction surgery, and being axe-murdered by Kate, but how the incidents are related is currently unknown. Charlie recently drowned in a secret underwater hatch for heroic reasons, but will return to life Mikhail-style, stating that the water was not at a lethal level, and thereby thwarting the survivors' rescue. It has also been revealed to Jin in a dream (after eating the island's dog, Vincent) that Charlie is going to be killed off in season 108 (for the 4,815,162,342th time) when he tries to snort The Monster. On a side note, Charlie is often seen playing his guitar and singing the Bilbo Baggins song, which makes him sound very high even if he isn't at the moment (but that's unlikely).
- Origin: London
- Played by: Elijah Wood
- Trivia: Height: 4f2.
- Catchphrase: "I was in Suckshaft, you know. Remember Suckshaft? I was in that band. Famous. Me. In a band, Suckshaft, you know it? I'm famous."
- Best friend: The girl with the baby turnip named Frodo.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Token lord of everything, much to Sawyer's dismay. Locke secretly plans to kill him. It is highly likely that he is a Scientologist, sent to the island in search of the Golden Thetans.
- Origin: England
- Played by: Jesus
- Trivia: Is the guy that says "Previously on Lost...".
- Catchphrase: "This is not an actual quote by me . . . or is it? Yes. I mean, no."
- Best friend: Henry V, even though he mocks him.
- Email: email@example.com
edit Jin, Azn & Sun
- Token Asian pop group. Jin finds out during the series that his wife Sun is hiding a secret. She is on "the game." They mostly enjoy breaking up, getting back together, and stealing Ring-Questing plotlines from Charlie. One of the biggest shocks of the show came when it was revealed that Jin was pregnant. It is unknown how this will affect his pop career. Sun later dies of SARS in season 37, which has a major effect on their music career. Their child, Kim-Lee-Soo-Kwon, becomes a figure skater.
- Origin: Pyongyang, Best Country in the World of North Korea
- Played by: Daniel Day-Lewis, Ayb & Juliet Lewis
- Trivia: All hail the Dear Leader Kim-Jong Ill, may no one ever question his perfect leadership.
- Catchphrase: (singing) 애국가...!
- Best friend: Hurley, because he's the only one who will happily join them in their roast-dog luau.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Token Arab. Also known as Muhammad Al Jazeera Ali. He is, of course, a terrorist. In his spare time, he confuses the Americans by not firing sub-machineguns in the air, shouting "!تلنايناينتاسمبهخقثالد," burning down embassies, hating freedom, eating babies,cutting testicles and oppressing women. Sayid is in love with Shannon and is planning to marry her corpse after they've been rescued. Sayid is currently enlisting most of the minor characters to wage a Jihad against the Udders. Upon escaping the island, him and kate get married and go on a massive killing spree together.
- Sayid was a soldier in the Iraqi army, specialising in interrogation. This, apparently, means that he has received significant training including, but not limited to, advanced electronics, hand-to-hand combat, weapons tactics, and assassination skills. It's a wonder they lost, isn't it?
- Origin: Fallujah
- Played by: Osama Bin Laden
- Trivia: Born in Dirkadirkastan.
- Catchphrase: "Shannon! Shannnnnnnon!!"
- Best friend: "Shannon! Shannnnnnnon!!"
- Email: email@example.com
- Token pregnant Australian survivor/musical actress. Claire was pregnant upon her arrival on the island, and gave birth to Walt soon after. She wasn't too happy with Walt though, and soon swapped him for Michael's son, Aaron. Her new child is secretly the Messiah of Drugs, as pointed out by the resident Irish fellow. Also melded with the bodiless spirit of Cher, which makes her go crazy making her later turn into something similar to the crazy french bitch although shes now the psychotic aussie bitch, Claire's enigmatic son Walt was undoubtedly named Chastity before being handed over to kate. in which is raised to grows up to be the new ed gein off the island.
- Origin: Sydney
- Played by: Bonnie from Family Guy
- Trivia: Is not only related to Jack, but in some way to everyone who has ever visited Australia.
- Catchphrases: "They tried to take my baaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyybbbeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"
- Best friend: The hobbit with the drugs. So romantic...
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Token child of Satan. Claire's new baby. Charlie openly plans to kidnap him, and guarantee him entry into heaven through baptism to lead a rebellion against God. Aarons first words were the numbers.
- Given his heritage, he has a constant fear of dingos.
- Origin: Claire
- Played by: Danny De Vito
- Trivia: The Harbinger of Death.
- Catchphrase: " Yo-- get at me."
- Best friend: Little Hitler.
- Email: email@example.com
- Token painter-monk-soldier-bombtechnician-prisoner-sailor-timetraveller. Desmond was locked inside the hatch for three years, forced to watch Cloverfield every 2 hours alone after his "partner" Kelvin died. After the Survivor Squad broke into his precious hatch, he put some mystery objects in a sack and ran into the jungle. He then later came back to his hatch; he almost died without its company. After the hatch exploded he got his clothes blown off, as it was fanservice time, and then he was able to see the future for some reason. He also has the illusion that everyone is his brother, which knowing this show, probably isnt far from the truth. After flying through a cloud he had an identity crisis and kept on appearing back in Vietnam, meeting his brother. Then his nose started bleeding. At that point it became obvious that he is hallucinating about himself dying. What a vain prick. His constant has been revealed to be a pen, which he has been seen talking to.
- Origin: God only knows
- Played by: Sir Charles Woodgang, GBE
- Trivia: Can "foresee" all the castaways having sex, just chooses not to stop it.
- Catchphrase: "I am not your fucking brother, brotha..."
- Best friend: PENNY!!!!!!!! I knew I'd see ya in another life!!
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Token omniscient African-American. Could be mad, may be keeping a diary. Searching for Bernard and for a washing machine. She was on top of the world until her idiot husband brought her down under, where she was promptly cursed by a native less-than-redshirt, or at least, this is how most fans interpret the scene. Ended up on the airplane after she confused it with the TARDIS. After most of the survivors leave without her and Bernard on purpose, she helps Mel Gibson create and run The Matrix. She revisits all the survivors who abandoned her and her daft husband by doing so and cuts off their testicles.
- Origin: New York
- Played by: C. Scott King
- Trivia: Her character will die, as foreshadowed when she told Jack "Everything that has a beginning has an end".
- Catchphrase: "Bert is alive. Or was it Barney? Or Bernar... no, definitely Bert."
- Best friend: Neo
- Email: email@example.com
- Token Tailie who does not drink and drive. That's the only reason he's still alive. Rose's jive-turkey husband, or maybe not.
- Origin: New Jersey
- Played by: Richard Dean Anderson
- Trivia: He walks around with a chair on his backside, claiming it's stuck there. In truth, he's just hiding the fact that he has a 50% bonus in that area: whereas most people have two, he has three.
- Catchphrase: "Is my wife dead? Oh, shucks, no life insurance."
- Best friend: Some black chick in her 50's.
- Email: specialsurprise@nadler_dental.com
- NOTE: Rose and Bernard together are the token interracial couple that is required to exist in every TV show.
- Token "been there all the time, just not bothering to talk to anyone of importance" girl. She has a natural ability to spot obvious plot points the other islanders are too stupid to have noticed. She also excels in standing around looking pretty. She watched Mr. Ekonomikz die a painful death, but decided to stand around and do nothing, as there more important people there and she felt it wouldn't be her place to do anything. She and Paulo always wear matching red shirts. She and her boyfriend were finally buried alive when everyone finally got to fed up with them.
- Origin: New Zealand
- Played by: Dirty Sanchez
- Trivia: aka Razzle.
- Catchphrase: "Powaaaa...lines..."
- Best friend: That Brazilian dude with the red shirt.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Token "been there all the time, just not bothering to talk to anyone of importance" guy. Before landing on the island, Paulo was a secret agent whose main skill involved being able to blend into any background, and become completely unnoticeable. He can, however, be rather slow at times. He loves to play golf, though he doesn't quite get that the balls have to stay on the golf course rather than ending up in the sea. For some reason he hates the 5 iron club; though many people are confused as to why he doesn't hate the 4 or 8 iron instead. Paulo is a copy-cat act of Paolo Nutini, the Scottish musician from Scotland. He and Nikki were buried alive when everyone else finally got too fed up with them.
- Origin: Brazil
- Played by: Tom Jones
- Trivia: aka Dazzle.
- Catchphrase: "The...toilet still works."
- Best friend: That chick in the red shirt with the poisonous spider and the diamonds.
- Email: email@example.com
edit Mr. Ekonomikz
- Token rapper. Mr. Ekonomikz is the island's resident rapper. He has a Jesus stick, with which he beats off the halflings and upstart philosophers upon the island. He likes to mark his property, especially trees, and is rumored to be building his own crib somewhere in the forest, and plans to hold some "mad partiez" there. He once faced down the island's monster, but saved his own life by using his "mad skillz" to defeat it in a rap battle. This battle was won with his newest style, Hiphoprah. Gunned down by the monster in a drive-by, Mr. Ekonomikz warned Locke that the monster would murder him next, but unfortunately Ekonomikz uselessly told him this through the medium of dance, and of course Locke can't ever use his legs, so the dance was a waste of time. Of course, Ekonomikz let the monster kill him by drinking and driving, just as any loyal Tailie would. His hobbies include hitting people with his rhythm stick. he hits them. he hits them. he hits.... THEM!
- Origin: Nigeria
- Played by: Mr T
- Trivia: His posthumonus album "Trapped in the Hatch" went triple platinum.
- Catchphrase: "Ye man, I chill right to de core..."
- Best friend: John Locke, who, to everyone's surprise, is actually an avid rapper.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit Ana Lucia
“I Knew you ain't dead.”
- Token bitch. As a former police officer, Ana-Lucia enjoys shooting people and sunbathing, and she can often be found on the beach, firing random shots at anyone who tries to come near her. She occasionally guests on Mr. Ekonomikz's rap songs. Driving drunk like most Tailies do, Ana Lucia and Libby were both killed crashing into Michael's car, though Michael survived. However, Ana Lucia and Libby, drunk as they were, are under the delusion that Michael shot them to death. Also put 6 bullets into a man because he "fucked [her] up." She recently slept with Sawyer, but "not to prove anything" but rather to make sure "the parts still work." Did we mention that she likes shooting anything that moves (we forgive her, that bitch Shannon had it coming).
- Origin: Texas
- Played by: Michelle Roadrunneriguez
- Trivia: This role marks Michelle Rodriguez's 500th movie playing "that angry Latino gal with a gun and an attitude."
- Catchphrase: "Argh! I've been shot!"
- Best friend: The redneck and the psychotherapist who got drunk wit' me.
- Email: email@example.com
psychicpsycho therapist and potential future redshirt. She successfully implanted false memories in Claire about her abduction by the Udders using her powers of hypnosis. Hurley has confessed to having an urge to eat her. Gets shot by Sawyer's gun, which was held by Michael, who was being manipulated by the Udders. Walt is held responsible. Survived that only to be killed drunk driving, ironically in a car accident with Michael. Of course, she and Ana Lucia, who was in the car with her, were so drunk that they both thought Michael shot them. This was described by Libby as "deja vu".
- Origin: The Funny Farm
- Played by: Cynthia Nixon
- Trivia: Good call whoever came up with that "token".
- Catchphrase: "Argh! Me too!"
- Best friend: The funny fat rich mentally insane dude who pushed me off a cliff with his imaginary friend.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit Michael Dawson
- Token old school "black." Michael was MIA in the forests of Britain. He claimed he was trying to rescue his son, but it was later revealed that he was just bored, and wanted a change of scenery. He has just returned from unemployment, and wants his job back. His vocabulary consists only of calling out "Walt!" and "YOOOOO!" Feels responsible for the deaths of Ana Lucia and Libby, despite the fact that they were the ones drinking and driving. (Of course, the producers are really responsible for their deaths. They forced Ana Lucia to drink and drive so they could finally write their fuckin' characters off the show.)
- Origin: Maybe New York
- Played by: Eddie Murphy
- Trivia: "WAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
- Catchphrase: "WHERE IS MY BOY?!?!
- Best friend: "WAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
- Email: email@example.com
- Token psychic kid. Walt is only coincidentally African-American despite the fact that both of his parents are African-American. Not magical at all. Walt is currently MIA due to too many steroids and growth pills. Occasionally kidnapped and coming back to Shannon in "visions" to sleep with her and tell her to spike all the drinking the drinking water. Walt has been known to have a secret crush on his dog, Vincent. They enjoy long walks on the beach. He enjoys chatting on the snowglobenet.
- Origin: Obviously the Island.
- Played by: Gary Coleman
- Trivia: Can age a year in only a few weeks.
- Catchphrase: "Michael Jackson? Hey, I slept wit' you?!"
- Best friend: Man's best friend. Wait, does that mean I'm a man? I'm only--wait, how old am I again?
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Token blonde bitch. Shannon is a total bitch, but she makes up for it by selflessly absorbing all the sun's rays so the other islanders don't get burnt. Her hobbies include not speaking French, dancing, and sleeping with her dead brother, Bono. Or Sayid, depending. Occasionally dead also, due to the fact that drunk Ana Lucia's car hit her shortly before being involved in a car "accident" with Michael.
- Origin: Quebec
- Played by: Maggie Smith
- Trivia: Her favorite song is Revolution 9.
- Catchphrase: "Do you want to pay to sleep with me or should I just let you?"
- Best friend: The terrorist with a weapon of mass seduction in his pants.
- Email: email@example.com
- Token Bounty Hunter. Ilana is said to be a Latin Russian woman who claims to be a bounty hunter. Obviously we all know she is secretly working for Stalin, however the other characters are too oblivious to notice this. She had brief affair with Sayid when he wasn't off shooting innocent people. Her best friend is named Bram. Upgraded to a major character in the final season, but of course, as all shows, do, they killed her off when she blew up the island. However, the island appears in the next episode, because it's fucking invincible, duh. And to think, she died before she even got the chance to be a badass.
- Orgin: Some sort of mysterious Latin Russian country.
- Played by: Origa
- Trivia: She doesn't know how to handle a stick of dynamite.
- Catchphrase: "Только так все Вы островитяне знают, я трахал Sayid, Джекоба, Бена, Мили, и Базисный библиотечный метод доступа."
- Best friend: Why, Jacob of course. What, you expected me to say Bram?
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Token Irish rock star and philanthropist. Brother to Shannon, Bono had a deep rivalry with Charlie over whose band was better. He is now dead, after learning the hard way that planes need the engine to be switched on before they can fly. In a flashback, he slept with Shannon, which makes him an incestuous bastard.
- Origin: Ireland
- Played by: Ian McKellen
- Trivia: Born Boone Hewson.
- Catchphrase: "Think about the starvin' children!"
- Best friend: My sister, until she slept with the terrorist. Then she came to meet me in the afterlife, where we became friends again.
- Email: starvingchildren@U2.com
edit The Udders
Token Ex-Bovine body parts. Each having split off from their respective cows, they sought independence on Gilligan's island, only to become enraged when the cast of Lost crashed there and didn't take off their shoes. The rest of the surviors know Locke really wants them dead, but they don't realise that they're all Others to Locke. The Others presumably live in the sky or on a spaceship. Scotty was last seen beaming them up from the docks after the Michael hijacked their boat.
Sadly, all the pregnant udders died of spontaneous combustion.
edit Henry "Ben Franklin" V
- Token official King of the island. Was once a commoner known as Ben who liked to fly kites. He has the best room service including cereal and Judy Blume books. He also has a king-sized bed along with his own personal trainer, Sayid. He rode in on the island on his ":<" shaped balloon and crashed landed into an inauguration and became King Sir Mr. Henry the Fifth, because that name is just so much cooler than Ben. Constantly pesters others for milk, and has a fetish for beards, which he makes all the other Udders wear. Having recently undergone major spinal surgery, Henry is no longer able to continue his once extensive physical fitness routine. Instead, he tries to compensate by doing three hundred sets of five hundred reps of eye bulges, an exercise that involves putting as much effort as possible into trying to make your eyeballs pop out of their sockets.
- Origin: Portland, The Island
- Catchphrase: "I lied."
- Trivia: Has seen The Great Pumpkin. His name "Henry Gale" is actually the name of Dorothy's uncle in "The Wizard of Oz"
- Played by: Stewie Griffin
- Best friend: Jake Ob, who gives him random orders.
- Email: email@example.com
edit MC Hoboface a.k.a. Tizzom
- Token hobo rapper who lives on the island. He's had dozens of rap battles with Mr. Ekonomikz, but has lost every time. He "allows" the survivors to live on the island, although he has a boat that he could just give to them to get them off it. It was recently revealed he does not have a beard, so many suspect that he may not in fact be a hobo, but rather just has a hobo fetish. In the season two finale it was revealed his name was "Tom", so he's not so cool anymore. In the season three first episode, it was revealed he doesn't like watching Kate take showers, so he's obviously gay. Sawyer finally shot him, saying, "That's for takin' the damn psychic kid off the frickin' cheap raft you set on fire."
- Origin: Alabama
- Catchphrase: "Welcome to da hizz'ouse. This is not your island. This is our island, mothafucka'."
- Trivia: George Bush doesn't care about MC Hoboface.
- Played by: Eminem
- Best friend: Sawyer, who shares his passion for "the hillbilly way of life".
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Token bad chick who may later become a good chick, then go back and betray everyone, then have a random changing personal revelation in which she becomes permanently good again. In all of this she never lose her perpetual evil deadpan "almost a grin" smile. Most fans of lost pay attention to her nicely shaped tits. Actually, that pretty much sums her up. At the end of season 3 it has been hinted of her lesbianism with Kate, Claire and Sun where Hurley witness the 4 women participating in a lesbian orgy is Sawyer's hut. Also puts way too much effort into her cheeseburgers. Is no longer hot for Jack. Once dabbled in lesbianism and erotic photography with Angelina Jolie when she went by the name "Gia". Once turned horny drunk when sighted by a half-naked Sawyer. Recently got sucked into a giant babe sucking vacuum cleaner.and then in her last breath she "banged" a nuclear bomb until it climaxed creating a rip in the space time continnum.
- Origin: Miami
- Catchphrase: "I wanna go home! WAA!"
- Trivia: Dude, she's married to santa claus!!.
- Played by: Angelina Jolie's nameless lesbian sex slave
- Best friend: Doctor Jackass and later that dumb redneck.
- Email: email@example.com
- Token teenage rebel. Alex, hand-in-hand with her boyfriend Karl, is known to rebel against absolutely everything that everyone else does. She helps the survivors battle the Udders by randomly killing off her co-workers, but also likes stealing the survivor's food and men. Is also known world-wide for taking Emma Watson's place as every single fat balding man behind a computer's #1 e-stalked teen celebrity.
- Origin: Danielle Rousseau
- Catchphrase: (whispering)"Sshh! If you don't follow me, they'll kill you."
- Trivia: Only says above catchphrase not because they'll kill whoever she's talking to, but because they'll kill her precious Karly-baby.
- Played by: Sophia
- Best friend: Her half-brainwashed tree-dwelling boyfriend. She loves him so much that she will willingly skin a live rabbit to keep him alive.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Token half-brainwashed, tree-dwelling teenage rebel. Has been confirmed by the producers in podcasts to be the premarital son of Kate Austen and Roger Linus from their summer fling in the Dhesktop Initiative in 1977, though this was unknown to all parties involved. Since his mother was constantly on the run from everything conceivable that was out to get her and his father was busy being a skeleton, he grew up in Room 23 watching his favourite movies such as "A Clockwork Orange" and "The Parallax View". Occasionally likes to wear 3D glasses. Enjoys helping Alex help the Survivor Squad, and has a mortal fear of television after bad childhood experiences. A few times he was caught being the gullible victim of a creepy brainwashing device known as High School Musical, but Alex rescued him before he became fully possessed.
- Origin: Island
- Catchphrase: "What the hell is the Brady Bunch?"
- Trivia: Only fools are enslaved by time and space.
- Played by: Malcolm McDowell Jr.
- Best friend: Alex, obviously.
- Email: email@example.com
edit Richy Richard
- Token immortal bad guy. Lulled Juliet to "The Island" with his sultry charms. Also lulled Ben into killing his dad RogerWorkMan. Ben's right-hand Udder, Richard was present during Locke's birth and is now the model for the island's range of anti-aging creams "Hostilicious". Doesn't remember birthdays due to the creams many side-effects.
- Origin: CBS's Cane.
- Catchphrase: "That Juliet is something!"
- Trivia: Is 4,815,162,342 years old.
- Played by: Jesus
- Best friend: John Locke (but don't tell King Henry!)
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit Ethan "Burning" Rom
- Token bad guy. Occasionally dead. Was once killed by Charlie, which surprised everyone. Locke revealed he will kill him in the future in an 'island dream' fueled by mesacaline which he smuggled in his wooden legs. Ethan loved to play practical jokes on the islanders, often involving killing people or stabbing unborn babies with huge needles.
- Origin: Canada
- Catchphrase: "Don't worry, Claire. This will only hurt for a second."
- Trivia: Was an excellent surgeon/janitor/plumber/whatever.
- Played by: Hitler
- Best friend: Claire, but only when she's high and won't remember what I did to her.
- Email: email@example.com
- Token confused Udder. BadGoodwin, who enjoyed sleeping with Juliet, was originally on the plane with the tailies, but after finding out that Nathan was an Udder, decided to kill him so he could join their gang. Now hangs out with Ethan, Ekonomikz and Ana-Lucia in purgatory. Although, due to the stake protruding from his chest, he is not very popular.
- Origin: The GoodBadlands
- Catchphrase: "I-I think Nathan's one of them!!"
- Trivia: Is the only Udder not immune to being impaled through the heart.
- Played by: John Kerry
- Best friend: Ana Lucia, who apologized as soon as she saw him naked in purgatory.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit Miss Klugh
- Token board game champion. Her hobbies consist entirely of playing the board game with the same name. With all her free time on the island, she has become so skilled that she is an undefeated champion. She also enjoys "testing" new Udders recruits by, you guessed it, testing their playing abilites at Clue. Of course, she was so depressed after losing a game to some redshirt Udder that she ordered the immortal Soviet guy to kill her. He was happy to.
- Origin: Haiti
- Catchphrase: "I think it was Colonel Mustard in the dining room with the lead pipe."
- Trivia: Enjoys Connect4.
- Played by: Whoopi Goldberg
- Best friend: Professor Plum
- Email: email@example.com
edit Wilson Pickett
- Token Red shirt Udder. Was Ethan's best friend and enjoyed sharing his hobby of stabbing people with needles. He has a large collection of all the blood he has stolen over the years in "The Room".
- Origin: Hell
- Catchphrase: "I will kill him, Kate."
- Trivia: Has a bad habit of murdering the wrong people.
- Played by: Some pyro-psychopath who is also obsessed with other people's blood.
- Best friend: Ethan, of course.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit Isabel/"The Sheriff"
- Token butch dyke. Likes long walks on the beach and getting paragraphs out of a small amount of Chinese handwriting. Is extremely creepy.
- Origin: China???
- Catchphrase: "You walk among us, but you are not one of us."
- Trivia: The author of "The Arzt of War".
- Played by: Mao Zedong's white girlfriend
- Best friend: The guy who stood in front of a tank in Tiananmen Square. She claims to find the friendship "a bit ironic".
- Email: email@example.com
- Token undead immortal. Distantly Related to Kenny McCormick, of South Park Colorado. Has been killed in over two thousand ways including numerous variants of the methods described in HowTo:Commit Suicide. Since he cannot die, it's been confirmed that he will be back occasionally during future episodes only to be blown up or shot with every single weapon in the list of weapons that don't exist, but should, eaten in turn by bipolar bears, grues, xenomorphs, the Smoke Monster and the Natives (all in different episodes), buried alive, poisoned by a lionfish, sacrificed to Cthulhu, sliced in half by Jason Voorhees, mauled by Vincent, possessed by Pazuzu, decapitated by a shuriken, pushed off two different cliffs and be sat on by Hurley (before the weight loss). However, he mysteriously reappears at the beginning of every new episode, the official explanation being that "<insert "death" cause here> wasn't set to lethal levels". This is to go with the producers wishes to turn Lost into a comedy series.
- Origin: Soviet Russia!!
- Catchphrase: "The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated."
- Trivia: The character survived the season finale explosion, only to be eaten by the Dhesktop shark (and survive that).
- Played by: Yakov Smirnoff
- Best friend: Joseph Stalin, who is also immortal. Scary, isn't it?
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit Jake Ob
- Token shadow with a wide eye. Jake loves being invisible sometimes. He also likes throwing shit. Usually at Locke. He makes a living out of catching red herrings. Lives under your mom. Is a recovering alcoholic and is seeking help.
- Origin: The Beginning of Time
- Catchphrase: "The way I feel I don't expect to go to sleep for a year. I'm on fucking fire!"
- Trivia: God loves you as He loved (you guessed it) Jake Ob.
- Played by: Kris Kristofferson
- Best friend: Locke, whom he trusts to help him for some reason.
- Email: Doesn't have one due to his abnormal fear of technology.
edit The dirty, muddy, patchy, funny, filthy Udder red shirts
- Token multiple Red shirt Udders. There are about twenty of them, they aren't armed except maybe two guns and live in tents and teepees, they're worse off than we are! These scraggly background characters have roughed it for so long their red shirts are stained brown with dirt.
- Origin: Ben stole them.
- Catchphrase: "Hey, Ben. Did you see? The redneck finally screwed Austen. Yee-haw!"
- Trivia: They love you.
- Played by: Random members of the Honolulu SPCA
- Best friend: Probably Richy Richard. He's always a nice guy.
- Email: email@example.com
edit Mildred Derbyshire
- Token northern lass 'udder' usually seen with arms folded over voluptous breasts, fag in mouth, and with curlers in her brassy blonde hair. Usually seen with Henry Ben Franklin (in these scenes, she often wears a beard and a nice frock as a disguise), and less frequently with Henry 'The Fenry' Gale, leader of the 'other udders'. A popular 'udder' amongst fans, Mildred was killed during the Season 5 finale flashforward (Locke and Anthony Cooper centric) episode 'Live alone, then die in a wheelchair', which memorably also featured a Jack/Kate/Sawyer 'flash-upwards'.
- Origin: Blackpool.
- Catchphrase: "Alright Pet?"
- Trivia: Very similar in appearance to Jacks wife, Ana-Lucia, except with curlers in her brassy blonde hair.
- Played by: Myra Hindley (season 3) and Peter Falk (seasons 4 and 5).
- Token woman with a tacky misspelled name. Naomeee may be working for the Dhesktop Initiative. Locke killed her by (you guessed it) throwing a knife in her neck. Her last words were an expression of love for her lesbian lover.
- Origin: Oceanic idiots
- Catchphrase: "There were no survivors! You're all dead! You're all fuckin' supposed to be dead!"
- Trivia: Understands every single language in the world.
- Played by: Some bitch with an obnoxious accent.
- Best friend: A retarded person named Minkowski who is under the illusion that everyone is alive.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit Daniel Faraway
- Token autistic. Daniel is a mentally retarded, socially awkward physicist who remarks on light scattering in the trees. He did some experiment with a rocket, and after noticing that his watch was 31 minutes off, warns ThePenis that the chopper must be flown through a certain gap in the universe. A flashback of Dan is also shown, in which he goes all emo while watching Cloverfield. Was a professor at Oxford university where he sported a mullet and killed mice with radiation is his free time. It has recently been revealed that Daniel's brain damage came from his residence in Essex, Massachusetts, where he was exposed to both dangerous levels of Massholes and New Hamsterites.
- Origin: The Brain Bus
- Catchphrase: "Uh...er...uhm, it's...ah..."
- Trivia: Is named after some other "Faraway" physicist, who thought light had something to do with electricity.
- Played by: Autism Awareness!!!
- Best friend: Eloise, his mouse who he killed by raping her brain
- Email: email@example.com
edit Miles "Tails" Scream
- Token ghostbuster. Hurley refers to him as the new Sawyer. Miles will do anything for large sums of money, and he makes a deal with Ben (Insert joke here). In his flashback, Miles goes busting ghosts, and magically changes a picture frame while doing so. When he finds out that Oceanic 815 had survivors, his face took on a liking to the "Scream" painting. Later, Locke goes ninja and sticks a whole pineapple in his mouth, but it's likely to be a mind game, since Locke is becoming Ben.
- Origin: Sci-fi movies
- Catchphrase: "Who you gonna call?!"
- Trivia: Has some obsession with the number 3.2 million.
- Played by: Seung Hi Cho
- Best friend: Casper the Friendly Ghost
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Favorite food: nades
edit Charlotte "Stapler" St. Lewis
- Token polar bear expert. Before landing on the island, Charlotte was digging up some polar bear bones in the African desert and found a Dharma logo! OMG WTF DHARMA!!!1!1! Although it appears she's an ordinary British scholar, she was actually born in 1979 at a stapler factory in Essex. After Team Locke found her skinny-dipping on the island, they shot her in the chest. Miraculously, she survived, and she wasn't even wearing a bulletproof vest. she then died of a massive brain hemorage from eating too much chocolate.
- Origin: Staples
- Catchphrase: "screw dinner i want my chocolate!!"
- Trivia: Her name is a reference to the author C.S. Lewis, who wrote stories about magical lands ruled by godlike lions while majorly high.
- Played by: Stapler
- Best friend: the autistic kid
- Email: email@example.com
edit Frank Thepenis
- Token drunk hippie pirate. Frank, who was supposed to be the pirate on Flight 815, was on vacation in the Bahamas when he was watching Cloverfield on a cheap TV. He noticed that the pirate they were showing was not the real Chuck Norris, so he got a spot on the helicopter team. After landing the chopper on the island, he takes Sayid and Desmond back to the boat, but Daniel tells him he must impossibly go through a black hole in the island's atmosphere.
- Origin: Polly Parrot's Flying Circus--I mean Flying School
- Catchphrase: "What kind of pirate do you think I am?"
- Trivia: Is located next to the testicles.
- Played by: Dick Hertz
- Best friend: Chuck Norris
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit George Min-Cow-Ski
- Token gay voice on Naomeee's iPhone. He thinks he's so cool, but he sounds like some robot gone wrong. Often tells Jack to let Naomeee talk, but she's always busy getting really big bundles of firewood. George responds to this by going to get firewood himself, leaving Vagina to operate the communications. Finally, he gets ahold of Naomi, who dies after using George's stupid code about loving sisters. He went insane after visiting the island. He was just on a ferris wheel.
- Origin: You know, those tiny little dots on your TV?
- Catchphrase: (sarcastically) "Where's Naomi? What's going on out there?!", "It's happening to you too isn't it?"
- Trivia: May or may not be working for the Widmores.
- Played by: Jon Stewart's cat
- Best friend: Vagina
- Email: IHearDeadPeople@freeple.org
- Token female genital part. Is heard on the iPhone when Minkowski is out getting firewood. When Danny asks her to shoot a payload rocket through the black hole, she accidentally releases it 31 minutes after she said she did.
- Origin: The Facts of Life
- Catchphrase: "Ten seconds to climax...five seconds to climax...zero seconds to climax...you don't feel it? That's weird."
- Trivia: May be the R.G. on Naomeee's bracelet, which would make her a lesbian vagina. "That's far more than weird."
- Played by: Jon Stewart's vagina (yes, you heard me correctly)
- Best friend: Frank ThePenis
- Email: email@example.com
edit Matthew A Bad 'Un
- Token creepy tall black guy with creepy wide eyes and a creepy flaring nose. Matthew pretends to be an attorney for Oceanic Airlines, but never has identification. He appears to Hurley in the future, and asks if THEY are still alive, leaving Hurley to wonder who the hell THEY are. Matthew also hires Naomeee to take the headcase, the ghostbuster, the anthropologist, and the drunk (who, to be fair, is actually a pretty good pilot) on a secret mission to find King Henry the Navigator. Naomeee asks what they should do if they find 815 survivors, but he gets it in her head that they are all fake zombies being covered up by the government.
- Origin: Smokey's off-island lawyer
- Catchphrase: "Are THEEEYY still alive? Huh? Huh? You gonna answer me Mr. Reyes? Huh? Ya want an upgrade?" *nose flare*
- Trivia: Is probably Walt.
- Played by: Taller Ghost Waaalt
- Best friend: Al Hanso/Chucky Widmore
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit The Widmores!
- Token sitcom crossover. All the Widmore family wanted was a normal life, but money changes people! After winning the lottery, this dime a dozen family of WASPs has struck is rich(er), but learn riches come with a price! Penelope, angsty daughter of the bunch, disobeyed her father's orders not to go out with that Scottish scoundrel Desmond, and soon lost him to the sea. Recently however, she hired some illegals to track him down. Locke wants each and every Widmore dead.
- Origin: Ithaca
- Catchphrase (Charles): "You're not suitable for my daughter. Get LOST!!
- Catchphrase (Penelope): "Hey. All you people. Go find this guy Desmond, and I'll pay you big money!"
- Trivia: The very rich Charles Widmore actually funds The Dhesktop Initiative, because he needs help with his poor dying office plants.
- Played by: The Brady Bunch
- Best friend: The Brady Bunch. Who the hell is Karl?
- Email: email@example.com
edit Not-so-major Characters
edit Ezra James Sharkington
- Token man eating great white shark, sometimes simply refered to as the "Dhesktop shark" (which he doesn't like and will eat anyone who refers to him so impersonally). A commonly featured character in the show's numerous Vincent centrics, Ezra is known to be in cahoots with Vincent, and if the dog for some unfathomable reason does not succeed in mauling his usual episode-by-episode victim on island, Ezra will course correct this out at sea for anyone who tries to escape. He has been refered to as "that toothy son of a bitch" by Sawyer. Ezra can be identified by his Dhesktop Initiative tattoo which, of course, will most definitely be the last thing you'll ever see if you do see it.
- Origin: Escaped from the production set of the film "Deep Blue Sea", then swam over to Thailand to get his tattoo and ended up on Lost Island on his way back
- Catchphrase: "I need to brush my teeth"
- Trivia: Got his Dhesktop Initiative tattoo at the same tattoist, Achara, that Jack got his at in "Stranger in a Strange Land". Unlike Jack, Ezra did not have sex with her afterwards but, to the rejoice of Lost fans worldwide, merely bit her in half when he became annoyed by her awful acting.
- Played by: Sharkey "Big-Tooth" Jawson (son of the eponymous antagonist in Stephen Spielberg's film "Jaws")
- Best friend: Vincent (partner in crime)
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit Danielle Rousseau
- Token Crazy French Castaway. Rousseau crash landed on the island with Captain Hook's ship 16 years ago, and has survived on the island since then. There were other pirates on the ship with her; however their red shirts kept attracting unwanted attention, so she eventually flipped out and killed them all, to save time. In her defence, it was her time of the month. Former member of the "Grey Council" and lover of various "Babylon 5" commanders.
- Origin: Yugoslavia...wait, sorry. I mean France.
- Catchphrase: "Le douche! Oh to hell with it, I don't really speak French. Now what are you bastards doing on my fucking island?"
- Trivia: The reason she hasn't found anything on the island is because she stood completely still the last 16 years.
- Played by: Some crazy from Yugoslavia. Rousseau defends her accent by claiming that if you are alone for long enough, your accent drifts off to Eastern Europe. Shannon tried to prove her wrong, but she couldn't stay alive long enough.
- Best friend: The pirate in the Black Rock. He always gives me dynamite when I need it.
- Email: email@example.com
edit Dr. Arse
- Token annoying arse. Dr. Arse was a high school science teacher and was blown up when accidentally handling dynamite. All reasons for death point mainly to a mix of retardation and being a twat, a highly volatile concoction when mixed well. There appears to be pieces of him stuck to most of the characters and due to the fact that they never wash their clothes this smells like shit. See also Red-Shirted Ensign.
- Origin: Someone's arsehole.
- Catchphrase: "Be careful, dynamite can be very temperamen--BOOM!!"
- Trivia: It's too bad. He really was smart. He just wasn't smart enough not to dance around with dynamite.
- Played by: Charles Darwin
- Watch out, that thing's gonna a splode!
- Best friend: The Medusa Spider. This little critter will paralyze you for eight hours, causing your "friends" to bury you alive, but they would have done that anyway, because you are just obnoxious redshirts, but then again so am I, but I already got blown up anyway. Ta!
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit Resident Security Island Cerberus Smoke Monster System Thing
- Token Monster. It likes to eat people, and also has a special hatred for CGI trees and actors on a short contract, which it will destroy on sight. This has given it a rather bad reputation. It feels it is misunderstood, and is particularly stymied that so many people seem to think it's a dinosaur or a pissed-off giraffe. It is planning on eloping with Locke, who is madly in love with it.
- Origin: Possibly the smoke from Dhesktop brand marijuana.
- Catchphrase: (*mysterious whispers in the jungle*)
- Trivia: Its true nature will be revealed in a future Kate-centric episode entitled "Smokey and the Bandit."
- Played by: Smokey the Bear
- Best friend: John Locke. He called me "beautiful"! (*sigh, blushes*)
- Email: email@example.com
- Token identity-confused red shirt. Scott has a multiple personality disorder, and at any time may think he's called either called Scott or Steve. One of the two is dead. He is one of the show's favorite, yet least seen characters.
- Origin: Your Mom
- Catchphrase: "No, my name's Steve."
- Trivia: Was born as Steve and changed his name at 15.
- Played by: Steve
- Best friend: Steve
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Steve is dead. Or is that Scott?
- Origin: Your Mom
- Catchphrase: "No, my name's Scott."
- Trivia: Was born as Scott and changed his name at 15.
- Played by: Scott
- Best friend: Scott
- Email: email@example.com
- Token Dead Ex-ghostbuster-boyfriend. After rescuing Desmond from his crashed boat, Kelvin brings him down into the hatch and teaches him how to operate the ghostbusting equipment. After several failed attempts, Desmond finally learns, and in doing so they bond and eventually become gay lovers. However, after a violent marathon of Hungry Hungry Hippos (the only board game in the Hatch) Desmond went insane from the torment and smashed Kelvins face into his skull. Their relationship was never the same. Kelvin also tried to obtain immortality by cutting off the head of Buckaroo Banzai, but failed when, in reply to Kelvin's request for help, Desmond said "Talk to the hand, bitch.".
- Origin: army
- Catchphrase: "Who you gonna call? Ghost-BUSTERS!!"
- Trivia: He ain't afraida no ghosts!
- Played by: GHOSTBUSTERS!! wtf
- Best friend: Poor Radzinsky. He didn't appreciate this wonderful place.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit Edward Mars
- Token dead U.S. Marshal. A running gag on the show, every week Edward contracts some new illness and one of the characters is forced to kill him. Except they always fail, leading to much hilarity. He is always somehow better by the next episode, no matter how soon after the last it takes place.
- Origin: Mars
- Catchphrase: "You have the right to remain silent, Ms. Austen."
- Trivia: He founded the Mars candy company, and manages to keep his stash of M&Ms safe from Sawyer (and Hurley!!).
- Played by: The same cop who arrested Ana-Lucia, Libby and Eko.
- Best friend: Mikhail, who has similar powers.
- Email: email@example.com
edit Bobo the polar bear
- Token Jungle Polar Bear. Appears from episode 6 when the polar bear's mother is eaten, Bobo jumps out from its hiding place into Walt, to a happy welcome. He also now sports a melted face, which are apparently all the rage with young polar bears these days. Locke plans to kill him for a nice fur rug in his hut. It is rumoured that the rustling in the bushes is Snow Patrol hunting bobo to take him back to there station in the past, as snow patrol are commanded by Penelope who is Desmond's (who is Scottish) beatch and they are also a Scottish militia (disguised as a band with dodgy French accents and trying to look like Jack), Penelope ordered them because she wants to make a rug before Locke.
- Origin: Alaska
- Catchphrases: (*growl*), It's frothy, man, There’s a bear on Fox’s Glacier Mints because they’re so clear and cool and minty
- Trivia: Was supposed to land on Sawyer, but he got scared.
- Played by: Mel Gibson in a creepy costume
- Best friend: Vincent. I love playing games with him. Sometimes we even switch bodies just for fun!
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit Dicky Snapples
- Token dwarf who hides apples. Locke secretly plans to braid his hair, and kill him with it. ((Too bad, since Locke doesn't have enough experience with hair to know how to braid. Oh, right, he's the magic boy scout. I'll bet he learned how to braid in knots training.) Little is known about this character as he hides in bushes, therefore his face is only visible when stealing apples.
- Origin: Hogwarts
- Catchphrase: (*snicker-->giggle*)
- Trivia: Happens to be a Quidditch world champion.
- Played by: Oompa Loompa
- Best friend: Charlie the Hobbit. He's the only one who understands me.
- Email: email@example.com
edit Expendable Crewmen
- Token disregarded crew members. They are there to die because the writers were too bored to write stories for them. Locke secretly plans to clone them, then kill them. Most of the show's special effects budget goes into using CGI to digitally remove their red shirts to help maintain suspense in the absence of a coherent plot.
- Origin: Hollywood
- Catchphrase: (whispering)"Now slowly pan the camera to the right...that's the spirit."
- Trivia: Have no idea how to use a camera, so they just use special effects. This is the real reason there are so many special effects. Of course, they haven't figured out how to get rid of Ben's eye bulge illusion.
- Played by: Random members of the Honolulu SPCA.
- Best friend: They don't have any. They are Emo.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit The Hatch
- Token metal hatch in the ground. A trusted friend and mentor throughout the first series, got the best dialogue until the second series, where it was shunned for the newer and shinier door. Hasn't been seen since, most likely due to friction between the hatch and the show's producers. Was recently quoted that he refuses to work with the producers ever again.
- Origin: The Dhesktop Initiative
- Catchphrase: "System failure. System failure. System failure. System failure. System failure."
- Trivia: Has showers, and Locke enjoys watching Kate's showers in the secret Pearl monitoring station. The hatch also has something to do with the island's strange electromagnetic properties, which most likely also has to do with the sight of Kate without any clothes on.
- Played by: Some really awesome, mysterious underground structure.
- Best friend: Desmond, who now sincerely misses it.
- Email: email@example.com
edit The Black Rock
- Token Pirate of the island. The Black Rock was sailing along with his crew who were filled up to the brim with WKD having a banging time, as they were chavs. They were on board until it crashed... halfway onto an island. He is now found wandering in Spooky Land of the Dinosaurs Dark Territory. He is now currently holding sweating dynamite in his cargo for the Survivor Squad to blow up trees. Once, Kate ventured into the ship, thinking it was the Black Pearl and looking for some hot sex with Johnny Depp. Instead, she was blasted with dynamite and almost died.
- Origin: PIRATES!!
- Catchphrase: "Arr, shiver me timbers, I've got scurvy!! Now where's the rum?"
- Trivia: Johnny Depp once actually appeared on the island, in disguise as a polar bear.
- Played by: the Black Pearl!!!
- Best friend: Elizabeth Swan, who sometimes visits in the form of Danielle Rousseau.
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
- Token Prawn. This was one of the islands prawns but was killed by mass prawn murderer Locke who threw his limp prawn body on the sand because a fly landed on it.
- Origin: Pacific Ocean
- Catchphrase: "Um, I'm a prawn. I'm not supposed to talk."
- Trivia: Didn't mind being killed. He was depressed because his brother Don had been eaten by the Dhesktop shark.
- Played by: A random prawn Jin caught in the ocean.
- Best friend: Ah, poor Don. I will kill that shark, you just wait and see!
- Email: email@example.com
edit Neil Froghurt
- Token processor of everyone's favorite frozen yogurt (That's good!) He spends his time on the island concocting new ways to add potassium benzoate to the Survivor Squad's daily meals (That's bad.) He may be sleeping with one of the female survivors (That's good!) ...She may or may not be alive (That's bad.) Will become a very important character in season 3 (That's good!) He gets killed in the season premiere (Can I go home now?)
- Origin: Dannon Company
- Catchphrase: "Hey, Freckles, want some 'fruit-on-the-bottom'?"
- Trivia: Actually believes that the above quote sounds like convincing sexual innuendo. He's wrong.
- Played by: Dannon "Danny" Activia
- Best friend: Freckles "Yoplait" Austen
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Also known as Mr. X, Man in Black, Blackshirt Guy, Blackie, fake-Locke, unLocke, anti-Jacob, Jacob's nemesis and a number of other pseudonyms. Is the major supervillain of the show but wasn't content with his natural looks. Therefore he underwent plastic surgery to look just like John Locke, who conveniently had recently passed away. Has a grudge against Jacob. Has a long list of people he wants to kill, and the chances are you're on it. He swore to Jacob that one day he would find an asshole, and eventually found one in the form of the fatherkilling, mischievous, mass murdering Benjamin Linus. Due to his relentless and unmotivated anger, he manipulated Ben into stabbing Jacob in the heart with a red herring then pushed him into the fires of Hades.
- Origin: Hell
- Catchphrase: "One of these days, sooner or later... I'm going to find an asshole, my friend."
- Trivia: Likes to use plastic surgery to turn into other people.
- Played by: John Locke
- Best friend: Caesar
- Email: email@example.com
Token self-proclaimed sheriff in the town who turned out to be nothing more than a redshirt. Thinks that everyone is his friend (including "Esau"). Blew up after Ben pulled a prank on him and stuffed his bag full of firecrackers, exploding him.
- Origin: Redshirtistan
- Catchphrase: Et tu, Ben?
- Trivia: He wants to be your friend.
- Played by: Osama bin Laden
- Best friend: Everyone
- Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
edit Roger WorkMan also known as Natalie and Nathan AND michaela Workman (yes we added one) there are also several other workman that have not been introduced
- Token hippie and slag on the island (despite being dead, they have had everyone including the hatch, the polar and the smoke). Roger, aka Oleary Lad, died by drinking and driving (and wanking dirty bastard) in the island's labyrinth of trees. Mr + Mrs. Smith (Workman) wwere driving his hippie van one day when he came across a plane. and big dave pondering about. In this plane was a heckuvalotta pot. This explains why dave was there. Being a hippie, he took a few hundred pounds of the stuff with him while he kept driving (while drunk). Anywho, he smoked the heckuvalotta pot that he took and died of a heckuvalotta OD. This is believed to be the cause of the island's mysterious "smoke monster". You see, all of that smoke from the heckuvalotta pot was hanging around when Roger died. Now, Roger's spirit was not settled. It was angry that the heckuvalotta pot killed him. He still had beer for heaven's sake! Anyways, his spirit, being angry, inhabited the heckuvalotta pot's smoke and is now terrorizing the islanders. Poor Ekonomikz...
- Origin: 32 miles away from Potland.
- Catchphrase: "Kinda hard to celebrate on the day you killed your mom."
- Trivia: Contrary to popular belief, Roger is not Ben's father. Ben was immaculately conceived.
- Played by: Uncle Reiko
- Best friend: Another hippie named Horace, who is also a mathematician. I don't understand him, though: all "pi" means to me is something to eat with beer. BEER!! That's my best friend. And pot. A heckuvalotta pot. Happy birthday, Ben.
- Email: drunkworkman@dhesktopinitiative.POT!!!
edit Derek 'Buffy' Von-Nemo (retired)
- Retired RAF pilot who was desperately seeking to discover the whereabouts of the island for reasons not yet explained. His biplane, nicknamed 'Thunderbird six' by the castaways, was discovered in the Dhesktop 'Halfway Hatch', hanging upside-down, during season one by John Locke and Bono. Ekonomikcz wrongly identified the corpse of Derek to be his brother, Yummy. This situation was resolved later when Derek's corpse, cunningly pretending to be Yummy, smashed Ekonomikz to a pulp against some trees due to his unwillingness to 'confess' to stealing his line for his last dig. Of course, Ekonomicz had the power of rap, and thus, survived, but the Monster still gunned him down five episodes later in the drive-by shooting.
- Origin: Cosford, UK.
- Catchphrase: "Bombs away!."
- Trivia: Derek's biplane can be seen briefly hovering over London in Charlie's flashforward episode 'Greatest spits'.
- Played by: Arthur Lowe