John Lennon

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“Now I'm the biggest!”

~ Jesus on the death of John Lennon

“When was the last time you made a good record?”

~ John Lennon in response to Jesus

“Are you stupid?!”

~ Asuka Langley Sorya on John's tolerance of Yoko

“Was it a millionaire who said 'Imagine no possessions'?”

~ Elvis PresleyCostello

John Winston Christ God The Almighty Lennon, (9 October 1940 – 8 December 1980) John Bummington Lemon The 6th Of The City Of Liverpool was the foremost advocate of British Communism called Bagism or Beatlemania. He is also known as the coolest guy since Abraham Lincoln. John Winston Ono Lennon, (9 October 1940 – 8 December 1980), better known as "Jocko", John 'Lemon', or Joseph Stalin when he was in the Beatles, was conceived October 13, 1932 by his mother, Sexy Sadie and his father , a random walrus. No, wait, John's the walrus. No, Paul McCartney is the walrus. You're both idiots, Yoko's the walrus, GET IT RIGHT!!!!!!!!!... John has a small walrus. About ninety months later Lennon popped out of his mother's womb June 29, 1933 in Paris, Germany. Due to his parent's love affair with popcorn binges and cheap Thai hookers, he was born with 6 fingers and 1 secretary. Tragically, the birth defect was unrepairable at the time, hence "Jocko." As a matter of fact, his childhood friends used to call him "One Foot Idiot" because he only had one secretary. This made One Foot Idiot very angry, so he decided to write an epic poem about how a small boy named Jocko fulfilled his Life Quest by killing himself with sandwiches. Pete Townshend ("The Nose") later stole the idea and created Timmy!! , which eventually became The Who's famous album and later spun off as a character from South Park, which Townshend believed to be the greatest symphony created by a polka band.

John Lennon is also noted for being one of the first celebrities to popularize mail-order brides (examples - Jenny Kee, that Mei Pang concubine and of course, Yoko Ono).

Though it is a common belief, John Lennon did not invent the bicycle.

Contents 1 His Undying Legacy 2 Musical Career 3 The John Lennon Grand Bowling Tournament 4 Tragedy 5 Aftermath 6 Big Daddy 7 From the 90's to today 7.1 Financial Troubles 8 Evil John Lennon 9 Political Activism 10 The death of John Lennon 11 Solo Disgrography

[edit] His Undying Legacy

At age 6, John Winston Ono Lennon, aka God (9 October 1940 – 8 December 1980) was cruelly stolen from his mother and taken to his Aunt Mimi, who was a total square, man. Luckily, Mimi's unbridled lameness fueled young Lennon's zeal for anarchy and blalant disrespect for authority, which launched his music across the universe...

At age 15 (more or less) John Lennon was vandalizing the boys' toilet, oops, redecorating the school washrooms, when the pigs on campus threw him into detention. The groovy part about all this Establishment uncoolness is that John Lennon just happened by fate to take his seat next to a young man his age with gorgeous eyes who was sicced by the School Gestapo for a bit of harmless mischief in his Latin class. Aparently young McCutsie thought it would be funny to conjugate swear words instead of dull Latin verbs (I fvck, you fvck, he/she/it fvcks, we fvck, they fvck, you fvck). Anyway, the two struck up a conversation, and a musical partnership was born. Oh yeah and George was there too....

[edit] Musical Career

At age 19, John Lennon was a young man with a lot of big breasted male Japanese followers who were keen to improve their Spanglish and have lots of un safe sex. If one thing was more important to young Lennon than Communism, it was shagging posh London birds with long hair. If two things were more important to him than Communism, they were shagging posh London birds with long hair and getting pissed at the local pub. If three things were more important, they were shagging posh London birds with long hair, getting pissed at the local pub, and shagging again. But if four things were more important -- and this is key -- they were shagging, getting pissed, shagging again, and the exciting polka music of American musicians like Elvis Presley, Malcom X, and The Monkees. Following his heart, he shagged, got pissed, shagged some more, bought a guitar, and formed a ska band with some other local moppets. The band initially took the name of Bonzo Dog and the Plastic Quarry Pit Elephant's Memory All Armenian Heartattack and Bar Mitzvah Band, later adopting the shorter and more sensible name of Rory Storm and the Hurricanes. It soon became clear to Lennon that he was a far better musician than his bandmates or barmates. A new band needed to be formed, but with whom? Lennon had no ideas until he met Joseph Paul McCarthy (who went by his middle name) at a Communist rave in Nigeria. Communism became a major reason in their touring the world and spreading word about it everywhere. (The other was acid). Drafting two other musicians -- a superb young sirarist (who also played the bong) named Horg Gerrison and a drummer named Ringo coz they liked his name-- they formed a band called Orange Lucifer and the Rising Blood RED Plastic Pep Rally Experience Four-Piece Band Experience, which they later shortened to The Semi-Electric Bonzo Dog Band, then shortened further to simply The.

The quickly became a great success both in England and Iraq. On the success of albums like "Please Pay Me" and Forgot about The Beatles, as well as hit singles like "Dislike Me Don't," "(I Think) She Loves You," and "I'm a Believer," a movement was started to name The as being better than sliced bread. Despite the campaign's initial failures, it was acknowledged that the band was more popular than Jesus (probably because, unbeknownst to the public at the time, John Lennon was God in disguise) and helped a lot of people keep warm in Kentuckistan by burning their records. But the dream was not forgotten, and it would be something The would work toward until tragedy struck a few years later due to their Instant Karma.

So popular were the boys that they starred as themselves in three movies, Help!: Memoirs of Liverpool Louts, "Magical Mystery Mystery" and a porno called a "A Hard Day's.....Sex". During the shooting of the first film, Lennon published a manifesto that would guide British Communism for the next two centuries. Titled "In Our Own Write: Power to the People," it was a seething attack on capitalist class segregation that promoted a spirit of unitedness for the proletariat. It also featured goofy little drawings that appealed to children and made him the richest Communist outside Mother Russia. Going Back to the USSR in his Yellow Submarine, he gave all his money to the Kremlin and adopted a Japanese POW.

With the progression of time, The became bolder and more daring musically. McCarthy and Lennon both became interested in politics and marbles. They received both popular and critical acclaim for being opinionated and worthy. The most successful and polemical result of this collaboration was the album Ringo Needs Some Money, which not only took in more than $450 million dollars but also started a political chaos in the U.S. and got Zinedine Zidane banned from playing soccer.

Paul "Heater" McCarthy himself had little to do with the political controversy of the album, as all of the songs that were considered "obscene" were written by Lennon. In fact, McCarthy was praised by some critics for his experimenting with electronic synthesizers and new styles of pants with only 1 leg. Or was that George? I forget.

Nonetheless, Lennon caused many arguments with his song "Ringo's Being Spied On", in which he warned Americans of automated camera-hobos. When the obscure country of Hoboland tried to act smart and banned the song, the album became more popular than ever and brought McCarthy and his bandmates great success.

In the album Magical Mystery Tour Lennon wanted to succeed his famous "I am the Walrus" with "I has a Bukkit," a joyous scherzo. Sadly, the idea was shot down by the other members of the group. He described the incident later in his solo tune "Nooooo They be Stealin' Mah Bukkit!"

Just when they seemed on the brink of something bigger than anything they had done before — something sure to finally place them above sliced bread — inevitable fate intervened.

[edit] The John Lennon Grand Bowling Tournament

After getting tired of his music career, John Lennon ventured to the lost city of Las Vegas to host the biggest bowling tournament ever, even bigger than Jesus! Many men risked their life for those precious dollars, many of them having wife and kids. After 45 brutal semifinals, two men was competing for the grand prize of 400 dollars, and those two men were Burt Reynolds and Roger Waters Burt was the better bowler, as a matter of fact, Roger can't even bowl. He used his vicious pirate tricks to make his way to the finale. But as everyone know, Pirate technics doesn't work on Burt Reynolds... NOTHING works on Burt Reynolds. Waters lost the finale with over 700 points. Since then, He has never been able to show his face in a bowling alley. But he did indeed try his hardest to win, and that day will always be rembered as "Roggies Last Stand" John Lennon didn't make a single dime on the tournament, and thought "What the fuck am i even doing here?" He returned to New York broke and homeless, But luckily his wife Poko Ono had built them a hut in the woods. John never tried to arrange a bowling tournament again, but he has set up a couple of air guitar competitions world wide, and also a Kazoo tournament in Taiwan. These has since been viewed as his greatest efforts to make the world a better place. As he always said "All you need is cash... and a kazoo to go along with it"

[edit] Tragedy

On June 20, 1966, the night of the Beatles' official wrap-up on recording Ringo Needs Some Money, Ringo attempted to convince McCarthy to sing The Ballad of Paul McCarthy, a mocking song written for him by John. Paul, angered by this, rushed out of the studio in a huff and got into his Austin-Texas. Ringo, having teetered at the edge all those years, finally snapped and pulled a gun on McCarthy. The startled Beatle attempted to get away, but Ringo was hell-bent. He fired off two rounds at Paul, sending the Beatle's car sidewinding into a utility pole. The utility pole, obviously not liking being smashed into, crumpled onto the vehicle.

McCarthy, now disoriented and suffering from a skull fracture and a couple of broken ribs, and having lost his hair, managed to pull himself out of the car, but he didn't notice that the lights had changed, and did not see the banana lorry as it ran him down, fatally wounding him. Ringo, now totally incensed that he didn't get a shot in at Paul, aimed at the desperately crawling Beatle, but John tackled him as he fired. The shot, narrowly missing McCarthy, instead hit a gas main, blowing the beaten Beatle, along with his car and the banana lorry, to Kingdom Come.

The other Beatles, standing in shock as noxious fumes consumed the body of their bandmate, knew that something had to be done. Quietly calling their manager, Brian Epstein, they summoned him to the studio and told him what had happened. Epstein, knowing the press would have a field day with this, decided to dump McCarthy's ashes in a cornfield south of Leeds. The band, excepting John, decided to innocuously find a suitable replacement for the now-late Paul. But, during the argument, John accidentally kicked over the urn containing Paul's ashes, sending everyone into a frenzy.

On June the 143rd, 1966, John Lennon lost to Keith Chegwin in a friendly connect four tournament which did not turn out to be friendly, John shot Keith in his leg several times and was later arrested for assault of a piss drunk Heather Mills McCartney.

[edit] Aftermath

A look-a-like contest was held to find a new McCarthy. The winner assumed the life and place of the original Paul; in the public eye, in the band, in his family. Who this man was before remains unknown to this day, though there are several theories, each unlikelier than the next. The label, using devious Communist tricks, destroyed all records of the man's original identity, removing him from photos and killing anyone who might be able to shed light on his identity. There are only four things that are known about this man:

1) He was a great misanthrope. This made letting the record label kill everyone who knew him a lot easier.

2) He was flagrantly anti-Communist, which brought him immediately into conflict with Lennon.

3) Curiously, he had both Paul's voice and his talent, which has led to theories about the existence of an evil twin.

4) He uses Paul's identity to this very day; writing ever shittier songs, harassing carnivores and shilling for investment firms singing about how it was Yesterday.

The replacement of the old Paul with the new one quickly caused tension within the band. While the music continued to mature and increase in sophistication, John Lennon and the fake McCarthy (hereafter referred to as Faul [Faux Paul]) could not put aside their political differences. Fighting between the two escalated to the point where Lennon spiked Faul's warm beer with phenobarbital before an important concert at Shea Stadium, and Faul retaliated by not sleeping with Lennon (no one ever did). Touring ceased after that disastrous gig, but the rivalry continued.

Lennon grew tired of cooperating with the coverup, but the record company had him bound and gagged, so he had to find ways to sneak clues to the public. He hid these clues in the album covers and in the lyrics to songs, even going so far as to teach himself to hide messages in straight forward vocal performances that would suddenly appear when they were played backwards. Unfortunately, the conspiracy nuts were the first to take notice, and courtesy of their endorsement the clues were simply laughed off by the public.

Needing someone with whom he could relate, Lennon ditched his wife and started shagging Japanese diplomat - and former POW emperor - Yoko Ono. Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad saw photographs of Lennon shagging Yoko Ono on the wall of their mansion at Ascot. Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad suggested that Lennon might like to keep his hand in a little bag for a while and fiddle with some beads. Yoko Ono told Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad a few well-crafted remarks about who should fiddle with whose beads in whose bags. The Swami, a pink blanket salesman and fully-fledged capitalist, did not take kindly to this and flew off to Donovan's house on a swan to co-author "Ride a White Swan" with Marc Bolan.

Ono had a growing interest in Communism, and under Lennon's tutelage she became a full-fledged Trotsky Youth. McCarthy instantly jumped on this as an example of Communist expansion slash the domino theory. In keeping with his capitalist ideologies and to quote "set a good example for John," he married camera heiress Linda Kodak.

With frustration mounting (certainly Swami Bhaktivedanta Prabhupad expressed his frustration at the mounting of the pictures of Lennon mounting Ono on the walls of their mansion at Ascot), Lennon and Ono turned to music -- wonderful music -- to vent their frustrations with McCarthy and the capitalist police state. The records were intended to cause listeners to realize their own frustrations with the system and then work to overthrow it. All they caused was confusion with fans, who loved the Beatles but were wondering whether or not to hate John. In the end, Yoko got most of the blame. Another reason for the frustration was due to Yoko calling their group "The Plastic Lennon Band" when everybody else knew that that was something John wore round his head to stop it exploding into a thousand tiny pieces because of the curse the bad fairy laid on him at his christening.

As tension grew, McCarthy mobilized, banning Lennon's book and decrying everything he stood for. Lennon counter-attacked with his famous bed-in, in which he and Yoko stayed in bed and encouraged everyone else to do the same in the hopes that the gears of capitalism could be ground to a halt and he could get laid. If everyone stayed home and didn't buy anything, they could listen to the Infernal Plasting Beatle Band and increase royalties to fund the extremists like Upton Sinclair and the Pink Panthers. Unfortunately, this only caused more confusion, dirty bed linen, and bedsores, and Yoko got the blame again. To make things worse, Paul, who had started going by his first name, Joseph, had launched a campaign that would ultimately make him a US Senator. The Beatles could not survive the strain, and so after recording a wicked progressive rock album (Abbey Road), the band dissolved as did their marriage to the cult.

The disbanding of the Beatles made a lot of people feel really bad for a long time. This period has become known as the Great Depressionuntil the Sex Pistols sang for the Queen. Though Lennon, who changed his screen name to Willy Wonka, continued to make records and pose nude, they were unable to ease the depression even the slightest bit. It became worse when Yoko posed for Playboy and Playlez and accused John for marrying her for her body and not brain. Consequently, his solo albums aren't essential to the common record buyer or this article, though J. Onanism (named after Yoko and JFK's wife) is.

[edit] Big Daddy

In the early 1990s Lennon, under the alias Big Daddy, become an advocate for zombie rights. George Romero’s right hand man, he was much smarter then the others and instead of using mild political process and brain eating to get his message across, he expanded into near-terrorism, using firearms, explosives, jackhammers and lots of screaming (see first solo album) to get his extremist message across. Some people also think he changed his name to Jay Leno and became an idiot.

After the peace conferences in Fiddler’s Green (Documented fairly well in the George A. Romero documentary, Day of the Dead), he vanished and has not been seen since. Central intelligence points to an arial strike, yet they calmly reassured the public not to worry.

[edit] From the 90's to today

After surviving the numerous murder attempts by Mark David Chapman (similar to wil-e coyote and the roadrunner), Lennon went into seclusion. The only time he would leave his Cleveland, Ohio apartment is when he would go out to get the mail, or go to the grocery store, or take the kids to school, or go jogging in Central Park. He stopped making music, and his legions of fans wondered if they'd ever hear from him again rather than Paul McBarbie who has a 23 year old Jimacian lover boy and lives behind the piggly wiggly in fashion dark shades.

[edit] Financial Troubles

In the mid-nineties, Lennon opened a string of fast food chicken restaurants called Sgt. Pepper's Finger Lickin' Chicken Stand. He was promptly sued by pacman for infringing on trademarks and logos. Now with nearly all of his fortune gone, he was forced to seek other financial opportunities and started a Japanese garbage restaurant for all the wealthy Saudis who came to the US to sell cars, walkman, tvs and inflatable rubber companions.

The UK government also taxed Yoko for war crime payments for the goods lost by train on the River Kwai due to the strike at Heathrow airport, to escape she hid under her dark glasses

[edit] Evil John Lennon

Before there was a John Lennon, there was an Evil John Lennon, or EJL. EJL was in cahoots with Satan and tried to take over the world with communism. However God stepped in and EJL's evil was reversed, thus creating John Lennon. The unfortunate side effect of God's awesome power was that John Lennon had to be born all over again, and became addicted to ugly mail order brides such as Yoko Ono.

[edit] Political Activism

John Lennon and his wife have been very active in protesting against the United States government and their pursuit of Ringo Starr in Iraq. They have organized several rallies and marches throughout the U.S. and have made several concerts to raise money for charity and at the same time fight the power of the man. The most famous of these, of course, was the famous "Great Hot Dog War" which aimed to demonstrate the atrocities of driving on the right side of the road. These concerts, however, have been foiled by martians, who insist on taking a 40% tax cut from the money. Unfortunately for the Lennons, the remaining money has been given to charity organizations, but the directors of these organizations have used it to buy themselves new houses, cars, Daddy Yankee cds, and subscriptions to the Brazilian MFX group.

Lennon told the media recently that Cheney is an insane terrorist that plans to eradicate all of humanity (in fact Cheney wants to kill all humanity with his shotgun and become the sole ruler and owner of the world, but many believe he will eventually die of a lightning strike). Lennon's rallying for an end to Bush and Cheney's reign of terror has been itself labeled terrorist by the United States, who have been trying to assassinate him since the 1980s. Unfortunately, every time the killer comes close to Lennon, Yoko Ono begins glowing, causing the killer's eyes to bleed and eventually rendering the killer deaf and hungry. Bush has expressed an interest in capturing Ono and using her cosmic singing abilities to open gateways to higher spiritual dimensions. Opponents have stated Bush is a fucking idiot, and that if he is allowed to make weapons he will begin accusing other nations of making them too. Bush replied with the following statement: "Of course we will accuse them! Having weapons is a threat to mankind, in fact, it is such a threat to mankind that the U.S, the sole protector of peace, has more weapons than any two countries combined. Only the U.S. can make weapons. We're tough like that, homie." Lennon said in his Myspace page that when he heard Bush's statement, he rolled on the floor laughing. American authorities deleted Lennon's Myspace account, although Lennon said he doesn't care because he's got 10 more. Nonetheless, he has filed a lawsuit against the United States, which will begin hearings in Court later this year. The charges against the U.S. include:

• Deleting Lennon's Myspace
• Attempting to murder him and his fellow bandmates Paul McCartney and Tinky Winky
• Banning gay marriages
• Allowing Billy Joel to exist
• Helping McDonalds to super size American children
• Ending the show The Adventures of Pete and Pete
• Banning games of Lennonball.
• Giving Kelly Clarkson a Grammy.
• Letting Paris Hilton make a movie.
• Banning Lennon's "John Sinclair" song
• Banning Lennon's "Lift the Ban on My John Sinclair Song" song
• Failing to make a decent grilled cheese sandwich.
• That whole "wiping out the native americans" thing
• Going on holiday to Durness, Scotland

The U.S. versus John Lennon is being labeled by many to be the most controversial case in decades. Lennon has decided to cease all plotting and protests until his son's wedding day with Keira Knightlesy . He will collaborate with various artists during the next five months, especially with Elton Jake, Paul McCartney, Eminem, and Paul Simon. McCartney's I'll Never Play in China Again has caused so much controversy that McCartney has had to change his identity to that of the lorax and take up residence in Dresden, France with Johnny Depp and make chocolate with ground beef in it- so John will simply record his part in each song and send it to McCartney by e-mail.

[edit] The death of John Lennon

Actual footage.

On Graduation day of 2009, 5 of the worlds biggest D-Bags - Lee Harvey Oswald, Yoshi, Tony Romo, The Guitar Hero, and George Ksenics - got really really pissed off and brutally raped, defiled, and defecated on John Lennons body, on account of their failure as human beings, their failure of the 12th grade, and their intolerance for others different then them. It was a sad day in the history of the Rhineland and everybody mourned the death of John Lennon. As a result of the death of John Lennon The angered Utahian Mafia Hired Muslim convert Captain Quitin Morgan from the nation of islam to avenge lennons death by killing all four of them. (leaving the guitar hero for his bitch) A Quinten Morgan consists of: 50% man 50% ridiculous and 0% small body. Like Quinten always does before he kills someone he drank his Powerthirst and kicked off their heads with his powerlegs... Quinten died three hours later from a gunshot wound through the testicle by a man known only as Nick Jonas. Help revive John back to life by sending love mail to GKIIIthemovie@tobadhe'sdead.com every email you send is another beat in John's heart.

[edit] Solo Disgrography

• "All I Want For Chrithmath ith my Two Front Teeth" (1946)
• "I'll Probably Get Popped Off By Some Loonie" (1965) (As Old MacDonald)
• "Norwegian Cooch" (With Armin Van Buuren) (1965)
• "John Lennon & The Plasticine Porters Group" (1970)
• "The Naughty Bits of John & Yoko" (with Yoko Ono) (1971)
• "Imaginary Friends came together" (1971)
• "Imagine (A World WITHOUT Paul McCartney)" (1972)
• "Plasticine Porters II: Somewhere in time" (live in Yorkshire with Yoko Ono) (1972)
• "Mindless Games with the innocent little puppies of the revolution" (1973)
• "The Wall and a bridge, too" (includes the iconic cover of Pink Floyd's Another brick in the hole on the Wall) (1974)
• "How do you sleep you cunt?" (with Paul McCartney on backing vocals) (1974)
• "Rock n' Roll over and over" (1975)
• Why did ya leave me(Paul)
• "A Hard Dick's Night" (with Yoko Ono and Gary Ono) (1976)
• "I am a pissed Hippie called John Lennon (has anyone heard of me?)" (1977)
• "Triple Dream" (with Yoko Ono and Ringo Starr) (1980)
• "(Just Like) Starting the Mower" (1980)
• "I Hope (I don't get Shot Today)" (1980)
• "Juice, Honey and Bees" (with Yoko Ono) (1984)
• "Remember that one evening in december" (Live at the Lennon Airport) (1986)
• "#000000000001" (experimental album, mostly written by Fantômas) (1999)
• "Can I borrow a feeling?" (mixed with Paul McCartney and Kirk Van Houten) (1999)
• "I think I'll go now" (2002)
• "The farewell tour, part 1" (2007)
• "The farewell tour, part 2" (2008)
• "Okay, I'm really leaving now" (2009)
• "How are you, mr Lennon?" (album made by Yoko Ono from ancient samples that were recorded by Pete Townshend back in 1945) (2010)

v • d • e The Beatles
John Lennon | Paul McCartney | George Harrison | Grigori Rasputin | Ringo Starr Yoko Ono | Pete Best | Noel 'John Lennon II' Gallagher | Liam 'John Lennon III' Gallagher | Ravi Shankar | Lenin | Michael Jackson
Albums
Thank Thank You (1962) | Beatles For Sail (1964) | Hell! (1965) | Revolter (1966) | Sgt. Lt. Pepper's Only Lonely Hearts Club Bandana (1967) | Ringo Needs Some Money (1967) | Tragical Mystery Tour (1967) | The White Album (1968) | The Beatles: Ecological Number Ones (1968) | Hate (2006)
Related articles
Beatlefication | British Invasion | Liverpool | Paul is dead | McCartneyism | The Revolution: A history | BBC | Beatles About | The Beatles Tribute Band