John Key

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John Key
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Political career
Order 38th Prime Minister
Vice President Bill English
Term of office 2008Indefinitely
Preceded by Hal Clarke
Succeeded by John Key
Political party National Party, formerly Rational Party (1998-2003)
Personal details
Nationality New Zealand-American
Date of birth At the end of the day, 9th August, 1961
Place of birth Mauthausen, Austria
Date of death 2061 (will be aged 100)
Place of death Honolulu, Hawaii
First Lady Bro-Nah Key (née Yeah)- m. 1970
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about John Key.
“You know, it is a terrible thing to appear on television, because people think that you actually know what you're talking about.”
~ John Key

John Key (Jonathon Philip Bruce Abraham Key Rothschild) is an Austrian politician and rapper. He is the current elected "Top Dog" (Prime Minister) of the small island banana republic in the south-west Indian Ocean New Zilland (Briefly known as Keytopia, in which it was brought under totalitarian dictatorship by Key during the early period of his first term). During his period as leader, Key is often remembered for smiling, three-way handshakes and his numerous love affairs with Chinese Government officials.

According to Key, his country is a highly volatile land, filled with numerous economic problems that require "tough decisions" such as extending casino gambling licenses, mining in tourist infested national parks and building a national cycleway for his ministers to use to reduce their waistlines (waistlines are a problem within his Ministry). Throughout his 4 years as acting Prime Minister, Key has received numerous accolades, including "Best Smile on a Prime Minister"; "Most Confidence seen in a Prime Minister"; "Most Successful in handling him/herself on Television Appearances" and "Most Attractive Prime Minister to serve New Zealand since 1999". In 2009 he was ranked 1st on 3 News' "100 Sexiest Politicians of the past 200 years" (Surveys carried out by Statistics NZ).

Key appears on the annual list of New Zealand's 100 wealthiest people, having made his fortune using his excellent memory skills on quiz shows like 'Who Wants To Be A Multi-millionaire, then have your wealth managed by a 'blind' trust, while you control the government of a south-sea island'.

edit Early years

John Key II

John Key: "People keep calling me the biggest prick in New Zealand. It's a real compliment, but I'm not sure if it's true...

John Key was raised in Mauthausen, Austria, during 'the dying days of Nazi concentration camps'. His mother fled the country to New Zealand, where she married wealthy locksmith Richard Key. Key states his decent is half Jewish, half Kiwi-as-bro, half English, and half Aryan Steel.

No one really knows whether John Key exists or whether he was created by the National Party as their vote-winning secret weapon. As he himself says, "I might be John Key. I'm not sure. I'll have to check with my department and get back to you."

If he does, or did, exist, young John grew up in a cardboard box and dropped out of school at the age of 8 after flunking Standard One, something that is in no way indicative of his ability to run a country 50 years later.

Until becoming Prime Minister, Key worked as a burger-flipper at maccas but was later sacked after he urinated in an old ladys milkshake. Not helpful to his career at maccas, but it did bring him to the attention of the National Party, which saw in this act a man with the qualities of a future Prime Minister.

In 1991, he married Bronagh, a Thai ladyboy whom he met at Pattaya, after stowing away to Thailand in his mate's suitcase.

Nowadays, many people have defined him as the " biggest prick in New Zealand" Dear John, as demonstrated leftwards, simply can not see it.

edit Political history

edit 2008 election

Key took the reigns of the sheep dominated territory in 2008 from the then Prime Minister Helen Clark. While it was generally assumed Clark was a woman, the real gender of this 9-year reigning PM remains unknown to this very day, listed on her passport as an X. Some believe Key won the election on policy, but polls have revealed that over 70% of those who voted in Key did so because unlike Clark, he was clean shaven, and didn't arrive to the televised leader's debates via broomstick.

edit 2011 election

Challenged next by Helen Clark's twin brother Phil Goff, Key continued to enjoy high popularity, as he swept easily through the next election unsure of what hit him. While a lot of anger had built up in the media of his proposal to sell government assets which included parliament's public toilets, Peter Dunne's Hair and the Wellington windmill, Key simply responded by having a cup of tea. It was something no Kiwi could criticize, holding a high spot in New Zealand society even higher than democratic rights or the right to walk around barefoot in shopping malls. Consequently, Key was voted for in droves.

edit Post-2011

Key continues to enjoy high popularity, although he is still unaware of where it comes from. Numerous telephone opinion polls show his ratings remain steady around 50%, however a university of Otago study questioned the validity of such polls, showing that over 75% of people polled believed they were choosing between a donkey and a shearer, and consequently only those who actually owned sheep did not choose the more popular bandwagon-pulling creature.

Some believe that Key's success in telephone opinion polls lies in the subtle phrasing of the survey questions. Statistics have shown that, instead of the bland "Which party would you vote for if the election was tomorrow?" question, modifying it to read "If you value your future, would you vote for John Key, if an election was held tomorrow?" seems to have a great impact in late-night, random phone surveys, especially with new migrants and refugees, although no-one seems to know why such a minor change to the traditional wording has been such a boost to National's party share.

A primary feature of the Key Government's annual budgets is the focus on improving conditions for the less-fortunate. Along with Paula Bennett, Key knows all-too-well that many people living in State Houses or on welfare are very poor indeed. Answer? Remove the cause, eliminate the effect. By selling off state houses and limiting the ability of people to go on welfare, Key plans to eliminate these poverty traps. No more will they have to suffer the indignity of being "State House Kids" - an image that he is still tarnished with (in a highly-polished way), and 'self-employed' looks so much better on a cv than 'unemployed'. Hayek, watching from beyond the grave, will surely weep a ghostly tear of joy, while the national statistics will be all the better for it. And the government's treatment of public servants will no doubt give the unemployed someone else to feel sorry for, so they'll stop feeling sorry for themselves. As the new mantra goes "Nothing at all is better than working for the New Zealand public service under John Key".

edit 2014 election

Key's 2014 election trail was riddled with scandal and controversy, including his party being the subject of investigative journalist Nicky Hager's 2014 book 'Dirty Politics: How attack politics is poisoning New Zealand's political environment.' Key rejected the publication, stating 'I'm not sure you can call politics an "environment", it's much more of an internal society of people. There are no mountains, rivers or flora and fauna that one would normally associate with an 'environment'. Key continued to dismiss claims of the increasingly familiar term 'Dirty Politics', stating instead that his party 'takes a more pragmatic approach to political hygeine. The term 'dirty' is too black and white and divisive.'.

Opposition leader David Cunliffe was critical of Key's response, mentioning that 'dirty is usually a brown color'.

Key was disapproving of Cunliffe's response, accusing his comment of being 'poorly veiled racism' and has been encouraging members of Cunliffe's caucus to take offence.

There was also the case of Kim Dotcom's appeal to gain residency in New Zealand, and due to the National party's open door immigration policy, allowed the process to go smoothly until Dotcom seeked to formally change his name to Kim Dot Ko Dot NZ, which raised internally strife amongst the National party. Key personally vetoed Dotcom's name change appeal, appearing before the High Court in Auckland. Key stated the reason was to 'protect the branding an intellectual property of kiwi superstar Lydia Ko,' (it was revealed that Lydia Ko was John Key's legal property, and had in fact been branded with a cattlle branding iron bearing Key's official ministerial seal.)

Nicky Hager's follow up book, Dirty Politics 2: Filthier, Freakier, Sexier, revealed that the true reason for the veto was that prior to any knowledge of Dotcom, John Key had impulsively purchased the domain name without any plan of what to do with it, and later he didn't want Kim Dotcom bugging him to let him have it.

Looking back on the case four years later, Key refelcted that 'the better idea would have been to allow Dotcom to change his name, to which Dotcom would be willing to buy the domain name off Key for "a large sum of money"'. Key then stated that he liked large sums of money, and had he taken this into consideration, was sure it would have had a dramatic impact on his decision.

The conflict between Key and Dotcom culminated in the Invasion of Coatesville of 2014, in which a joint force of NZ military and U.S SWAT forces conducted a seige on Dotcom's Coatesville mansion. The battle resulted in the deaths of 15 US/NZ coatlition soldiers, one routed Mrs Dotcom, and the arrest of one Mr. Dotcom, as well as U.S rapper Eminem suing John Key for stealing his rap music as a campaign song, to which Key responded 'it's all Smoke on the Water'. The event resulted in a domino effect of various NZ musicians coming out to complain of the party's illegal use of their music, to which Key responded 'it's all Under the Bridge' before sending said musicians bottles of his own homegrown Pinot Noir.

edit Post-2014

There were as many controversies following his latest election, including the repeated series of attempted rapes of a cafe waitress, Melissa Mannington. The waitress asked him politely to stop, but the act continued indefinitely on a regular basis, until Mannington began dating a Tongan league rugby player, to which Key reportedly 'backed off'. Key has since apologized, and has sent Mannington a box of chocolates, a Get Well card, a bottle of his Pinot Noir, and a postcard of a scantly clad, ample-bosomed Hawaii girl with the slogan 'wish you were her'[sic].

The next incident involved the great New Zealand flag change debate. Key stated multiple times that he wanted to change the flag to something a bit more 'colonial' and less 'blatantly pro-Polynesian'. His proposed design was very similar to the current flag, albeit a significantly larger Union Jack and changing the color of the stars from red to white, in order to form 'a closer bond with Australia.' The bill, rushed through parliament met gridlock when deputy Prime Minister Bill English, who had already lobbied that the Bill be read only in English, and not in Maori, then requested the new flag have something a bit more 'English', to which Key succumbed by adding a golden lion with a face resembling Oliver Cromwell. After noticing Bill English's appeasement, other parliamentarians requested their own additions, with almost every single 121 MP's demanding their signature be added. These additions resulted in many conflicts, to which point they finally decided they should take the flag change to the public.

The New Zealand people produced various designs of their own, but when the first referendum was completed, it was confirmed that 100% of the population was against the flag change, to which Key responded that New Zealanders are '100% full of shit'. The flag change debate rages to this day, but Key hasn't given up, stating on live TV on November 23rd 2015, 'If I can quote Steve Jobs, he said people don't know what they want until you show them.' Shortly after the comment, Key's advisers informed him that he in fact can't quote Steve Jobs, and Key was sued by Apple Inc. for 100,000 USD.

edit Political Views

edit Domestic Policies

When asked about his domestic policies during the 2008 campaign trail, Key responded 'please refer to' but requesting that all websites including his statement do not feature the website URL as a hyperlink, saying he gains 'immense satisfaction knowing that the public must type out the website name manually.'

edit Environment

In a 2015 interview with TVNZ chief political editor Corin Dann, Key stated he does not believe in the validity of the environment. He said 'there is absolutely no empirical evidence that the environment exists', and that the world we see around us is 'a complete fabrication of our own minds, just like how climate change is a complete fabrication of my D.O.C (Department of Conservation) because I haven't given them anything to do, so they are now making things up.' In late 2015 Key replaced the D.O.C with the D.O.C (Department of Conversation) charged with, as the department's slogan reads, "keeping alive the traditional Victorian art of a bloody great conversation.' Minister of Conversation Nick Smith is currently having talks with French President Francois Hollande.

edit Personal life

Key considers himself part Hawaiian, spending countless summers on the Island away from the imperfections of New Zealand. He boasts a live, straight and female wife, regarded as a significant accomplishment for any NZ politician. She is kept in his 22 million dollar Auckland mansion, where numerous guests often stay, some of the most famous including Mitt Romney, James Cameron and Gandalf the Grey. Key is a devout Agnostic, who hangs around in cemetery's drinking methylated spirits and coke with the Goth kids, and is profoundly anti-literacy, stating "Libraries are a burden to our state, and are in no way beneficial to the economy. Just like old people. Oh what, did I just say that? Damn right I did." He supports Mitt Romney and voted Republican during the 2012 U.S Presidential Election.

In January 2013, Key stated that he actually doesn't really like New Zealand, calling it 'Australia's bitch', referring to New Zealand citizens as 'Morlocks' and comparing himself to Margaret Thatcher - stating that he was encouraging self promotion amongst New Zealanders, accusing it of being a country "50% comprised of dirty islanders living off The fat of my wallet." After facing controversy over the statements, Key recommended that the nation "put what he may or may not have said (I can't be expected to remember everything I say) into perspective," before walking off stage.

Key hasn't appeared on television since then, but he still regularly releases blog posts from his mansion in Auckland City.

In September 2013, Key and his family spent an enjoyable weekend, staying with Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth. By some accounts (excluding his own), the impact of this visit was an embarrassment. The Daily Mail newspaper, for example, called him a "Galloping Colonial Clot" for releasing photographs and memoirs of his stay to his country's. national newspaper, breaching Balmoral protocol. Fortunately, Key did not refer to the Queen as a state-owned asset; nor did he suggest that he had a mandate to sell off up to 49% of New Zealand's Government House. Some were concerned he might do so, given his treatment of '...the bottom 99%' of New Zealanders.

edit Interests

Key enjoys cuddling up and sharing loving relationships with many people, while his wife and kids are on the list, so are Warner Brother's pictures, Barack Obama, any ranking member of the monarchy, and the Chinese Government. A senior ranking cabinet minister, Gerry Brownlee, would also be on that list, if it wasn't for the inability of Key (or anyone) to fit their arms around him in a hug. Experts estimate Brownlee's circumference at almost twice the combined height of all the children in Finland who fail high school (20m). "After giving Her Majesty a great big bear hug as soon as I saw her at Balmoral", he says, "I'm never going to hug anyone again",

Key would like to change New Zealand's flag, despite being a groupie of Britain's Royal family. His personal favourite is an all black face, with a white lfeather on it."The white feather displays our national identity", he says. "I tell people it is a fern leaf, not a white feather, but no-one trusts me since I blabbed about my weekend at Balmoral, so I might as well accept it looks more like a feather than a fern leaf. The black flag represents our nation's most popular fly spray, and is symbolic of the fact that many kiwi mums and dads (not to mention Monarchists) consider me to be a pest, and would like to exterminate me from the government. So, promoting an alternative flag is a very personal thing to me".

Key cites an avid interest in managing the nation's growing collective metadata.. "Because I surround mysfelf with suckups, electronic eavesdropping is the only way I can get a true measure of how well I'm doing as PM, and that's important for the people of my country", he says. "And, I know I'm not alone in having a diabolical memory - I can remember things that the previous government said or did, but I have difficulty remembering things that happened since October 2008. My new GCSB legislation will mean that ordinary Kiwi Mums and Dads, who may also suffer major memory loss, will be able to contact my office if they can't recall what was said in a phone conversation, or if they accidentally deleted an important email and want to retrieve a copy. However you look at it, this is a valuable public service. Hmmm, maybe I should introduce a user-pays tax, to pay for it".

Regardless of his lavish lifestyle, Key continues to boast of his innocent humble beginnings in state house. Experts believe it is an overwhelming sense of sympathy towards such a terrible upbringing that voters are still drawn to him today. Other possible factor's could include Key's recent vasectomy (so he could stop producing thousands of chinese babies) and his inability to firmly shake the hand of Richie McCaw.

He looks forward to a time whe New Zealand can be prosperous once more, and toupees can be made available to even those with a Community Services Card, not just the Parnell elite.

John Key V
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