John Hick

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Hick IS The Real

“Hickie in the sky with diamonds”
~ The Beatles on John Hick
“In America you philosophize pluralism. In Soviet Russia pluralism philosophizes YOU!”
~ Yakov Smirnoff on John Hick
Bultmann This page has been demythologised by Rudolf Bultmann and therefore it is safe for mere mortals to view.

edit Overview

ProPhessor John 'He-who-must-not-be-named' Hick (Programmed AD1922), the man, the legend, the philosopher, The Real. He is the author oPh such works as 'John Hick-my liPhe as a Hick' and the singer/songwriter oPh the hit amongst all the uncool philosophers 'Hickory, dickory, dock'. He is most Phamous Phor the stuPh what he made up outta his head about pluralism and epistemology (There is no evidence of this being an actual study of anything,in fact it was almost definitely just made up to boost his CV(Philosophers are allowed to lie FYI(For Your Information(Philosophers are allowed to use abbreviations excessively as well FYI)))). He is also a member of the CSER (or Committee for the Scientific Examination of Religion for short). The CSER is extremely pretentious and anything but interesting and they regard other people as being highly inferior and they often drink tea laced with cocaine and come to no conclusions.

edit Early Career

Johnathan G Hick 1.0 (The Real) was born at around 9.00am on the 17th October 4004BC - 7 days later he had already created the earth, sky, seas, animals, the earth...and Adam!, but not dinosaurs-they came later, or earlier, or something. His early works include the great Phlood which pretty much wiped out everything except a couple oPh bearded people on a wooden boat, raining Phire and brimstone on the immoral cities oPh Sodom and Gemorrah (although nowadays he is oPhten philosophically criticised Phor doing this), killing all Egyption Phirstborn, and arguably his most Phamous work - Kenosis. The Phuture ProPhessor Hick emptied himselPh oPh all his power and came to live on this mortal world as a man named Jesus (little did the jews know, around 2000 years later, he would carry out kenosis again and come back as a handsome University ProPhessor (Hick 2.0)). Although this is not widely known, John Hick had a secret love child (or just love)...all we know is that this child has a PhD and wrote an 80000 word thesis on religion and subjective truth,we also know his name, but that ruins the fun of it.

edit The Swingin Sixties

Things were pretty wild Phor the proPh in the sixties. Drugs, women, men, booze, materialism, pluralism, satanism, absolutism, abstractionism, panentheism, deontologisman, archo-syndicalism and men were all prevalent in these crazy years. That is all except Phor Drugs, women and booze. He worked as a teacher between the years oPh 5964AH and 5965AH, and did a Ph.D. in his spare time dont ya know. He also subverted the idea oPh good with the release oPh his semi-autobiographical novel 'Hickman 2.1:The Revenge oPh the Hick', which received a panning Phrom both critics and Jonny Vaughn alike. Notable reviews included:

Tree of life

This was drawn when Hick was only 3 years young and he first realised that spirituality was inherent and that it was just like a tree of life, from which denonimations of sprirituality branch off, in their own direction. They are not aeshthetically, but spirituality connected, as are their respective deities. As, a young hick realised, culture is the predominant influence in adjudicating the protagonists religious conviction and belief.

“This is I have ever read”
~ Mark Kermode on Hickman 2.1:The Revenge oPh the Hick
“John Hick's career is dead”
~ Friedrich Nietzche on Hickman 2.1:The Revenge oPh the Hick
“I would recommend this to anybody with masochistic tendecies”
~ The Real on Hickman 2.1:The Revenge oPh the Hick
“I don't know about this masochistic tendecies stuff but I liked it”
~ Kakihara on Hickman 2.1:The Revenge oPh the Hick
“About as enjoyable as being blapped in the face:By Michele Foucault”
~ Rudolf Bultmann on Hickman 2.1:The Revenge oPh the Hick
“Resorted too quickly too innuendo and double entendre”
~ Graham Norton on Hickman 2.1:The Revenge oPh the Hick
“Reading this book was the single most horrific thing I have ever been through”
~ a murder victim on Hickman 2.1:The Revenge oPh the Hick
“If X is the number of pages, Y is whether I believe God to be totally benevolent and if Z is whether I like John Hick's hair the I apply this to the formula X1+(Y1/Z4)^2\times(Y4\frac  Y {1.618033} )/ \frac{-b}{2a} + i \left ( \frac{\sqrt {4Y - 2Z^2}}{2a} \right )=P(B+Z=G1) then this book is officially 92.379% bad”
~ Robert Winston on Hickman 2.1:The Revenge oPh the Hick
  • for more info visit www.robert.winston'
“It sucked more lingam then Shiva”
~ Brahma on Hickman 2.1:The Revenge oPh the Hick
“I loved it”
~ Gary Glitter on Hickman 2.1:The Revenge oPh the Hick

It also saw the release of his second debut record:'Get Hick or die trying'. It was over indulgent and crap.

edit Broadcasting Career


Dirty Hans:Dirty Hands

APhter having spawned Walt Disney Phrom his own metaphorical, though at the same time sickeningly literal, womb, he went on to help create inspiration for Mickie Mouse, which had it not been for a poor telephone connection, would actually be Hickie Mouse, as Walt Phirst intended. Also, he has worked on the Lost television series, with ABC, and the main theory oPh the island is that it is inherent, as is religion, and Hick controls all on and near it, and even some stuff which is not even related to the island.

edit Radio

He broadcasts a bi-annual eleventy hundred minute show on Philosophy Phm ("The philosophy Phrom the 80 BCs, 90 BCs and tomorrow"), which is on air between the hours oPh 3 and 2pm, and called Hicks Happy Hour, which included the now legendary Hicking Forecast. BePhore he undertook the ardrous task oPh presenting this show he worked as a tea boy Phor Dirty Hans, the Phamous inPhamous German existencialist.

edit Philosophy PhM Schedule

Philosophy phm

Philosophy Phm-so philosophical it hurts

0400:0700 Nietzche's Niblet Phun and banter with the king of tashes includes David Hume's half hour the best in drum and bass from around the philoshophy world, with the turban meister himself laying down some heavy beats
0700:1000 The God Show Ha who has the primetime slot now Nietzche?, who's dead now?, apart Phrom your career you German Phool
1066:1300 Jo Whiley She spouts some pretty philosophical shit on that show of hers
0000:0000 Dirty Hans Nothing has meaning
1500:1400 Hick's Happy Hour Crazy beats from the Prince of Pluralism
1707:2006 Theo Joneses Jovial Japes the natural philosopher keeps you up to the minute and right on time with all the latest clock news
2000:2400 Kinky Kierkegaard Late night erotic existentialism from the K man
2400:0400 Schopenhauer's shizzle Perfect for Saturday nights out - Philosophising while we're completely Schopenhaured


It's Ministry of Mayhem without the intelligence, incisiveness or biting satire

edit TV

edit Alive and Hicking

Currently broadcasting on sunday mornings his show Phor evangelists and pluralists alike but not for quakers because he basically rekons that they're tits. Phun, banter, philosophy and Phun are all sadly absent, but there is innuendo applenty in this show, which is oPhten described as five's answer to Dick and Dom in da Bungalow. Segments include: What's in my pocket?, True or Foulcalt,philosopher's conundrum ( This often remains unawnsered), The great philosipher phone prank game, and The confession-'How I violated Sofie's World'

edit Notable Works


edit Quotes on Hick


Both Nietzche AND God are dead, and ProPhessor John Hick is alive. Who is the bestest philosopher in the world now?

“God is dead”
~ Friedrich Nietzche on John Hick
“"The Real" is dead, Freddy, the term 'God' excludes the deiteis of other religions such as Allah and Brahma and Noel Edmonds”
~ John Hick on Pedantism
“If you're going to Hick authority in the teeth, you might as well use two feet”
~ Keith Richards on John Hick
“Foshizzle, Hickie Bear”
~ Huggy Bear on John Hick
“Free Craig Charles”
~ The collective conscious on John Hick
“John Hick...what a pr...agmatic pundit of pluralism”
~ Mark Lamarr on John Hick
~ John Hick on Glossolalia
~ Charles Foster Kane on John Hick

“I am so sorry for the circumstances that have caused shame and embarrassment for all of you.... The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality, and I take responsibility for the entire problem. I am a deceiver and a liar. There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I've been warring against it all of my adult life.... The accusations that have been leveled against me are not all true, but enough of them are true that I have been appropriately and lovingly removed from ministry.”
~ Ted Haggard on why he's a pathological twat

edit Lyrics To His Best Tunes

We all know that every great philosopher needs to chill out, and listen to some pumping rhythm and bass aPhter a hard days philosophyzing, but Hick, being way above great in the philosopher ranking chart, Phound makes his own "phat tunes", with a little help Phrom his Phriends such as Dr. Dre†, Snoop Dogg††, Jack Black†††, and many more lesser mortals:

“I sit back with this book oPh Hick-hacks and this bag oPh this weed that gives me the knowledge needed to be the most keenest Phd on this earth and since birth ive been cursed with this curse to just think and just blurt this bezerk and bizarre shit that works and it sells and it helps in itself to relieve all this tension dispensin these theories gettin this strength thats been eatin me up recently oPh oPh my brain and i rest again philisophically. respec'”
~ John Hick on The Way I Think

“Hume let the dogs out
(woof, woof, woof, woof)
(woof, woof, woof, woof)
(woof, woof, woof, woof)
(woof, woof, woof, woof)
Hume let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Hume let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
(woof, woof, woof, woof)
When the philosophysin' was nice, the think tank was jumpin' (Hey, Yippie, Yi, Yo)
The empiricists havin' a brawl (Hah, ho, Yen Yuan Yo)
I tell the fellas "start the soul makin'" (Yen Yuan Yo)
And the realists report to the call
The poor Hick show down
Hume let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Hume let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Hume let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Hume let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Say, A Nietzsche is nothing if he don't have a tash, All Nietzsche hold ya' tash, all Nietzsche hold it
A Nietzsche is nothing if he don't have a tash, All Nietzsche hold ya' tash, all Nietzsche hold it
Wait for y'all my dogs, the think tank is on
I got my theory I got soma pneumatikon
Do you see the rays comin' from my eye
What could you be friend
That Bacon man that's thinkin' them down?
Me and My unwhite dirty shorts
And I can't think a lot, any cognition will do
I'm figurin' that's why they call me freud
'Coz I'm the man of the (dirty) hand
When they see me they doah-ooooo(howl)
Hume let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Hume let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Hume let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Hume let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)

~ John 'J Dawg' Hick ft. Dave 'MC Philizzle' Hume on Hume Let The Dogs Out

A sample of this track, released by Philosophy Records is avalible Here

  • †Not Technically a qualified doctor
  • ††Not Technically a dog
  • †††Not Technically black

edit Life as Mickey Mouse impersonator

Ye, um, that, er... never actually happened. But iPh it did then it would be good 'cos then I could say Hickey Mouse -punbelievable. Oh well, life must go on, still, it would have been good though. Never say never.

edit Arcthick Monkeys

The Arcthick Monkeys were a Pop Will Eat Itself tribute band, Phormed by Dr Prophessor Jonathan Hick B.S.C. PhD D.Phil. Dr.Phil MSci MBiochem MEng MMath MPhys MDes MPhil MB BS or BM BS MB BChir MB BCh BAO MA (Cantab.) MA (Dubl.) MA (Hons) MA (Oxon.) EdS NuclE PsyD FdTech MBE CBE OBE, in the year 6000AH.
They released their inaugral debut single in the year 5999AH it was called 'Perhaps creationists is a bit strong but...' but was known as 'awful'. The Right Honourable Hick Phormed it with some oPh his philosophy buddies Phrom Philosophy Phm. Unfortunately they were unable to release their second AA side due to the Phact that animosity grew between the band which culminated with a disagreement about the metaphysical nature oPh being, which lead to Schopenhauer, in his rage, vehemently shouting out 'Ill hick you to death, you...'. The band did later rePhorm and release a Christmas single which reached No.1 in Bethlehem. The song 'Abi Titmuss, and a Happy New Year' was John Hick's last major work and, although he was still a social butterfly, he could never finish another song, or novel, or play, or film, or philosophical work, or radio program, or last major work, or political campaign, or personality profile.

edit Members

  • John 'J Dawg' Hick
  • Dave 'MC Philizzle' Hume
  • Art 'S to the chopenhauer' Schopenhauer
  • Søren 'Ice K' Kierkegaard
  • Cardinal Cormac 'CArDiNeL SiN' Murphy O'Connor

edit Bibliography

  • The Bible, 4024(AH)
  • Hickmass Carol, and Nicholas Hickleby (written under the pseudonym Charles Hickins)
  • Hickman 2.1:Revenge oPh the Hick, 5968
  • Evil and the Hick of love, 5970
  • Arguments for the existence oPh Hick, 5974
  •, 5980
  • For Hume the Bell Tolls, 5994
  • The Metaphor oPh Hick Incarnate, 5997
  • The Truth about Soma PneumatHickon, 6001
  • Bible 2:A New Hope, 6004
  • John Hick-My LiPhe as a Hick, 6007
  • And the Now inPhamous Hicky Potter series-
  • The Philosopher's Stoned
  • The Schopenhauer of secrets
  • The Prisoner of Consience
  • The Goblet of Ayer
  • The Order of the Foucault
  • The Half Blood Pluralist
  • The Deathly Allahs
  • Teachers notes, 6010

edit Filmography

Sin city

John Hick in Sin Hicky

  • Shickinin no samurai
  • Mind Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Hicks
  • Pulp Hicktion
  • Some Like it Hick
  • Tenacious J:The Hick of Destiny
  • Hickey Blue Eyes
  • Sin Hicky
  • The MatrHicks
  • Locke, Stocke and Two Smokin' Barrels
  • Teachers Notes

edit Songography


The cover of the self titled 'Perhaps Creationists is a Bit Strong But...'

  • Get Hick or die Tryin'
  • Smack Hick all on the Floor
  • Hickory, Dickory, Dock
  • Who you think you are, Mr Hickster?
  • Guns oPh Hickston
  • Hick Push(as Hicke Fiasco)
  • Smack My Hick Up
  • Teachers notes

edit Collaborations

  • Hume let the Dog's out (ft. Dave Hume)
  • Sweet Hume Alabama (ft.Dave Hume)
  • Perhaps creationists is a bit strong but... (w/Arcthick Monkeys)
  • Abi Titmuss and a Happy New Year (w/Arcthick Monkeys)
  • I Kant Get You Outta My Head (w/Immanuel Kant)
  • You Kant Touch This (w/Immanuel Kant)
Approved by the Kansas State Board of Education.
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