John Elway

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“I lost a war to this bastard because of him being born in the same country as that idiot Mark Twain.”
~ Oscar Wilde on John Elway
John Elway was a general for the Denver Broncos military squad. He was born in Orlando, Florida on July 4, 1856, a century ago when the Manchester United lost the United States to the Boston Red Sox. He later on auditioned for the Major League Bloodbath to become a general for his team, the Denver Broncos. After 3 failed attempts of world domination, Gen. Elway succeeded in 1998. Though his victory was obviously satisfying ,but very short lived. He was killed in action during World War I from friendly fire from the Baltimore ORLY-oles general, Eddie Murray on May 19, 1916. He was only 59 years old.

General Stats

General John Elway won a lot of awards in his military career, from the medal of honor he earned when he was a general, to the MVP (Murderer of Vandals in Pittsburgh). He has killed the most people on the Broncos, ranging over 50,000 terrorists killed. Gen. Elway is the most winningest General to this date. in his honor, the city of Denver created a car dealership in his name.

Famous People he killed in action

  • Oscar Wilde - Gen. Elway killed him after he mentioned "Mark Twain will pay after the quoting smackdown I gave to him earlier." in 1899. Strangely Mr. Wilde came back to life, because he is immortal.
  • Fred Flintstone - Gen. Elway killed him because Fred Flintstone was a well-known mailman and Gen. Elway doesn't like them at all, probably except Snoopy or Mother Teresa.
  • Elvis - this wasn't the real Elvis, probably an Elvis impersonator
  • Dr. Wily - the crazy doctor from Milwaukee, Wisconsin was fatally shot after Gen. Elway threatened him to quit starring in the infamous Mega Man movies.
  • Michael Jackson - that one doctor nobody remembers didn't kill the pedophile, John Elway did.
  • Everyone in the Star Wars Chrismas Special - he shot the cast up by the help of Steve Ballmer, who he was actually friends with. (the two are natural born psychopaths)
  • Steve Jobs - Apple Corporation in 1905 was already in trouble when General Elway sniped poor Steve Jobs because of how much Jobs hated the Denver Broncos military squad.
  • Bernie Kosar - The Pride of the elite "Brown unit," Bernie was wounded twice in battle with Elway, before finally being struck down in 1989.
  • Your Mom-As of now, they STILL haven't found her body.

The last battle: May 19, 1916

In the Battle of Euthanasia, his army was diminishing from the terrorists there, then came his last moments...he was being shot at by the enemies there. Gen. Elway began rallying his few troops to win the battle. The Denver Broncos Military Squad would defeat the terrorist force and win The Battle of Euthanasia but Gen. Elway was was shot by Oakland Raiders. Gen. Elway instantly died from the shot, but earned a Medal of Honor for his courageous acts of courage.

Second Family

Being depressed from his loss of Superbowl XXIV in 1990, John Elway got drunk and had sex with a hermaphrodite slut named Mrs. Cartman. Mrs. Cartman was impregnated with Elway's child, who was born 9 months later. Elway returned to his real family, and the slut moved to South Park,Colorado, where her son grew up to be Eric Cartman.

OJ murder trial

At the murder trial of OJ Simpson in 1995, the prosecution kept trying to drag John Elway into it by their constant references to a slow white Bronco.

Quotes

“Well, this guy Fucking Killed more people than I do today!”
~ Steve Ballmer on John Elway
“He was a better general than I was when I commanded the Green Bay Packers to war in 1996.”
~ Brett Favre on John Elway
“My father is John Elway, My father is John Elway, ner ner ner ner”
~ Eric Cartman on John Elway
“Come on Eric, let's go get some ice cream.”
~ John Elway on Eric Cartman
“I thought your mom was your dad.”
~ Kyle Broflovski on the previous statement
“AY! YOU TAKE THAT BACK, YOU STUPID JEW!”
~ Cartman on the previous statement
“Who cares? BRETT FAVRE!”
~ John Madden on John Elway
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