John Candy

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“I may be fat, but you'll always have that face.”
~ John Candy

John Candy was the world's most famous actor, world leader and ninja. His countless films and outstanding sense of humour allowed the entire world to see only part of his greatness, yet he constantly moved behind the scenes of the world's governments, aiding where he could. He was also on the planet's Intergalactic Council, a secret group made up of ten distinguished representatives of the planet Earth. While most believe him to have died in 1994, a popular theory is that he remains a silent protector of the world, continuing his reign of political influence behind the scenes to this day.

Sheer Awesomeness

Awesomecandy

A diagram displaying the amount of awesome John Candy has to store.

It was once suspected that John Candy was, in fact, fat. This has since been proven to be false. Candy's size was revealed to be the direct result of his body expanding in order to accomodate the huge quantities of awesomeness contained within. In fact, his actual body size is far smaller than the average human's. This is because John Candy was simply a higher form of life than the average human male.

Several attempts were made in the mid 1980's to harvest small deposits of Candy's awesomeness for use as a chemical weapon by the US military. It was later decided that John Candy was simply too much of a 'nice guy' to exploit in such a fashion. His well documented training as a ninja also meant that a huge number of soldiers would be required to succesfully capture him. US military decided this would be on operation containing 'negligable benefits in proportion to loss of life' and the project was indefinetly shelved.

However, Candy's awesomeness did play a significant part in military history, preventing many major wars in the world by stopping them at a point before even the most annoying journalist could uncover them. This was usually accomplished by Candy cooking up a stack of his famous gigantic pancakes and inviting the opposing powers around for tea. His fantastic cooking talent and wit left even the most hardened, war-mongering leaders happy and almost crying with laughter, causing them to forget what they were ever arguing about in the first place. This led to Candy being offered the Nobel Peace Prize in 1982. He graciously declined the award, once again displaying his famous modesty.

Only rarely did Candy ever resort to using his ninja powers in order to settle disputes. In 1978 he prevented the country of Mosolovania from going to war with Southern Ireland, using his ninja powers to prevent a civil uprising. As a direct result, Mosolovania remains an unknown quantity in global political matters.

Life As A Ninja

It is likely that when one thinks of a ninja, the last thing they imagine is John Candy. This misconception is exactly what made him so powerful. As mentioned above, the excess bulk on Candy's body was not actually fat, but sheer, concentrated awesome. Awesome contains no weight and, as such, Candy was as agile and light on his feet as a Siberian tiger. The awesome-coating protecting him from most impacts made him twice as effective in combat.

Many stories exist detailing the events that led to Candy becoming a ninja; all that is really known for sure is that it took place some time in the 1960's. The most popular legend has it that a young man followed Candy for 7 months, repeatedly insulting the actor by calling him 'fatty'. In the end, even Candy's legendary patience and good natured attitude reached breaking point and he subsequently decapitated the man; so fast, it is claimed, that Candy was already sitting down and making his friends laugh again before the man's head had even left his shoulders. Amongst the guests being entertained that evening was a ninja warlord. Knowing true awesomeness when he saw it, he offered Candy a place in his ninja order. At first things did not go well; Candy was made fun of for his apparent weight by the other ninjas in his order. Things soon changed however after Candy established that he was far more awesome than any of them, in an event that was forever remembered as "The Night Of The Large Blur". The survivors of that night would forever more rightfully respect him.

Although an apt pupil, Candy soon grew tired of the Ninja life. Even though he was being hailed as their great saviour, his laid-back nature was ill at ease with the life of casual killing that is inherent to the ninja lifestyle. He left the order to return to his acting career as one of the few ninja to ever do so unchallenged. It is ninja tradition to kill any ninja that attempts to leavethe order, but Candy's skills and contributions to the ninja world were so great that his order felt compelled to let him go. Considering his abilities, it is likely the order would have suffered severe casualties had they not allowed Candy to leave.

Life As An Actor

Upon leaving the ninja order, Candy returned to his first love; comedy. This proved to be a natural transition for him. Candy was quickly picked up by the film industry and soon became a star of the silver screen, bringing hope and light to millions, especially the overweight. Fat people began to look to him as a hero, telling their tormentors that Candy is awesome, and HE'S fat, so being fat can't be that bad. Even though he wasn't actually fat, Candy was pleased that his status was being used to help people at last in a non-fatal manner. The statistics for high school bullying of fat children notably decreased during the first 10 years of Candy's on-screen career.

Candy is remembered for many roles, his most famous being perhaps Del in "Planes, Trains and Automobiles". But his acting range was amazingly wide and he began appearing in films under many other names and guises. To this day, no one is quite sure just how many of Hollywood's famous actors were actually John Candy in disguise. Only a short list of people known to actually be John Candy in disguise has ever been confirmed:

  • Steve Martin (an amazing accomplishment considering both Candy and Martin starred in the same film)
  • Eddie Murphy
  • Rosie O'Donnell
  • Kelsy Grammer
  • Rick Moranis
  • Chris Rock
  • Robbie Coltrane (Perhaps the only known actor to have a large resemblance to Candy's known form)
  • Jim Carrey
  • Clive Owen (Yes he can be tall and serious)

Candy's "Death"

On the 4th March, 1994, the FBI launched its final attempt at capturing the famous actor. The strike team consisted of 10 heavily armed FBI agents as well as a full S.W.A.T van of fully armed S.W.A.T members.

None were ever recovered.

Candy realised that he could simply not continue down this route of his life, as the greed of the US government did not allow this. He had to disappear, and disappear he did. Using his ninja powers once more, he created a soulless clone of himself that's sole duty was to have a heart attack and die, which it promptly did on the set of his latest film. The true Candy crept away, and hasn't been seen in his true form by the public in years.

News of Candy's supposed death spread like wildfire, and the world thought that it had lost a truly great contribution to the world of comedy. Candy was moved almost to the point of revealing the truth, but always he remembered the actions of the government, and refused to come forward, as it would lead to the deaths of even more government officials as they attempted to capture him with exceedingly complex traps. He did, however, use his immense powers of easy-going and feeling-good to calm the world over his death. If he had not done this, experts believe the suicide rate of the year of 1994 would have peaked at about 4 million people every 6 minutes.

Candy constantly moved around in the shadows of the world, believing that if he could not be at the front of the world, cheering it up, he would be behind the scenes, making it a better place from within.

Current speculation is that Candy is currently using his resurrected ninja skills in the form of Atlanta Braves pitcher Bob Wickman.

It Really meant that John wasn'y deceased at all.

Candy's Work Behind The Scenes

Candy was incredibly active after his death. As well as keeping the roles of the other actors he portrayed (see above list), he constantly worked with the governments of the world in order to unite them into one. His goal has not yet been acomplished, but it is theorised that everything that goes on in the world of politics is orchestrated by Candy in order to reach his ultimate goal of world peace and comedic expression.

Perhaps one of the greatest of his accomplishments is the formation of the inter-galactic council, which is a council of 10 of the greatest representatives of the planet Earth, in order to give Earth a face to the inter-galactic community. In the universe at large, he is seen as the leader of Earth, and is much loved for his constant comedic addresses to the universe, even making the leader of Humourless 6 break down into tears of laughter, an event that shocked billions across the galaxy and led to greater acceptance of the Humourlessoids in the universe, for which he was awarded the InterGalactic peace prize, which he again declined.

It was at this point that the US government noticed that he was still alive. At this point they were still unaware that he was actually a ninja, and believed that he had simply coerced their task force into his service. This time they were not prepared to tolerate failure, and in an effort to overcome his powers of personality, sent 4 entire divisions of the army after him.

Sensing the approach of such a task force, Candy was aware that the government was not going to stop unless he sent them a clear message. He decimated the task force, destroying each and every many, except one. On this one man, he carved "Leave me be" on his back, using only his little finger. Far from being terrified or in pain, however, the soldier was found in what was believed to be spasms of pain, but were actually spasms of laughter. He claimed that even as Candy was cleaving through the ranks of soldiers, hurling them into space and simply disintergrating them with a look, he kept up his barrage of jokes and humourous observations. The soldier insisted that none of the task force suffered.

After this incident, the government realised that they were dealing with a powerful force indeed. Still under the belief that they could force Candy to work for him, they called upon their ultimate soldier. Mr. T.

It was believed by many that this would be the battle to end all battles. That this would be the end of at least one of the greatest men that the universe had ever known. However, as Mr. T and Candy met on the field of battle, they merely maintained eye contact for three minutes. Observers believed that they were communicating~telepathically. At last Mr. T smiled, turned to his FBI attaché and said "This man ain't no foo', sucka" and walked away giggling to himself. Candy merely turned around and walked away with no one daring to stop him.

The government relented.

Speculation

It is widely known that Candy is a ninja, but many experts believe that he must be more than this. They point to his extremely long life, the fact that he can defeat countless ninja single handedly, the fact that both ninja and pirates will find him hilarious and his immense psychic powers.

They believe he may be a ninja pirate.

Ninja Pirates were created intentionally by Man, and no record exists of Candy being one of this batch, which is the only batch ever created. Critics of this view also point out that Candy bears none of the classic signs of being a Ninja Pirate, such as the Ninja Parrot, the Ninja Staarrr or the personal cloaked star destroyer. However, he is clearly more than a simple ninja.

Scientists believe he may actually be the only natural ninja pirate in the history of the universe. It has long been believed that ninja and pirates have been enemies ever since the first ninja darted into a shadow while a pirate watched, saying "Yarrr..." but a new theory is forming that states this is not true.

According to this theory, there was a period of peace between the Ninja and Pirate, before they began arguing as to who's approach to life was better. This period is believed to have last just over 4 days after the creation of the universe by God. 4 Days is about as long as a ninja and pirate can engage in constant copulation. It is therefore possible that candy was the only offspring of this period, as both the Pirate and Ninja factions were founded by a single person (who then began to divide A-sexually out of necessity).

Justin was here (No more squiggle!)

A ninja pirate is the outcome of a male ninja and a female pirate (a male pirate and female ninja gives rise to a Pirate Ninja, a powerful being in its own right, but less powerful than a Ninja Pirate), so it is assumed that Candy would've been birthed on a ship at sea. The female pirate, knowing in her heart that she could not raise a child fathered on her by her most hated enemy, must have planned on killing the child. However, Candy's powers of awesomeness and feeling good will have manifested themselves as soon as he was born, making the pirate spare his life and raise him (not that she would've been able to kill him anyway).

This is all pure speculation, however. Candy is famously silent about his life before he joined the Ninja clan.

Did You Know?

John Candy is not only delicious but good for you! Although some feel that it is too sour, it has an overall texture and consistency that many regard to be more pleasant than Frank Candy, Ben Candy, Randall Candy, or your mom. He also did Shakespeare, one of his finest performances was with William Shatner in the Andy Warhol envisioning of King Lear!

Filmography

  • Uncle Fuck (original title. Was changed to "Buck" by the American Censorship board)
  • Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money
  • Tepid Runnings: the true lukewarm story of the Jamaican Bobsleigh team of 1977
  • Planes, Cranes and Auto-Mopeds (featuring an uncredited Steve Martin)
  • Everybody thinks you're American, when actually you're Canadian: a documentary on the struggle for American-Canadian differentiation

See also

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