John Brown

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Bloink1 solid
This article is being considered for deletion in accordance with Uncyclopedia's deletion policy.
This page may not fit in Uncyclopedia, or may not be funny with little chance for redemption.
Please share your thoughts on the matter at this article's entry on the Votes for deletion page.
“Why can't I have a beard like that?”
~ Oscar Wilde on John Brown

An artist's rendition of John Brown.

John Brown is a man of note, civil war historian Dr. Dre considers him the precursor to Eminem. As a preacher Brown would again attempt to rouse the white populace against injustices perpetrated on blacks with his smoother, faster, sexier, more melodic and hypnotic sermons like Race doesn't matta, yo: We all in this togethah. Hallalujah Hollaback! His outreach was sadly unsuccessful. Brown, along with several of his sons and a group of slaves, attacked Harper's Ferry, a river side ammunition smuggler's dump owned and operated by the grand parents of Harper Lee, author of To Kill a Mockingbird. Ye olde SWAT team eventually battering rammed the doors down and arrested his crew and John Brown got the death penalty for four and two fifths counts of homicide.

edit John Brown's Eyes


An actual photograph of John Brown. Due to his appearance, people said he looked like an old gravedigger who had not seen sunlight in weeks.

In any picture of John Brown, the artist had always put a lot of work into the eyes, to make them look wide and to appear to be bulging, like they're trying to escape his skull.

edit John Brown's Beard

John Brown's beard is just as notorious as John Brown himself. During the conflict known as Bleeding Kansas, which preceded the Civil War, five pro-slavery settlers were taken from their cabins on Pottawatomie Creek and were hacked to death with a giant pair of scissors. But as the good book says, he who lives by the scissors dies by the scissors, and when Brown was captured after the raid on Harpers Ferry, his beard was publicly executed by a hooded barber.

Personal tools