Joel Schumacher
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“FUCK YOU!”
“RAPE MY CHILDHOOD WILL YOU! DIE!”
Joel Schumacher is a noted gay man, child molester, and film director. He is best known for raping many people's childhoods by making the indescribable terror that is Batman and Robin.
Contents |
[edit] Life
Schumacher was spawned on the day the music died. He grew up being a male hooker until he turned 35 and met Lilly Tomlin who asked him to suck his dick and make a movie. From then on, the apocalypse began. Schumacher in his entire career made only one good film which was The Lost Boys. Since then he has made shit piled on shit, getting funding for his films the same way Uwe Boll does, sucking the studio executive's cock. Such shit that he's made includes The Number 23, Phone Booth, Bad Company, and The Phantom of the Opera. In 1995, when gothic director and total badass Tim Burton was fired from directing Batman, as his interpretations were too violent and dark for a young demographic, Schumacher was hired to direct the third film, Batman Forever.
[edit] Batman Forever
This was truly the first sign of the apocalypse. It starred, in a career killing performance, Val Kilmer as Batman. He and his gay little friend Robin go around wearing tiaras and sucking dudes dicks while showing off their gay ass bat nipples and asses. Jesus! I know you're gay Joel, but do you have to spread it on me? So anyway Tommy Lee Jones plays Two-Face and Jim Carrey plays Riddler, the supposed villains. They are two fags who suck on one another dicks at night and try to take over the world by day. Meanwhile they kidnap Nicole Kidman and Drew Barrymore and use them as a bait to try and turn both Batman and Robin straight. They fail miserably, instead they become straight and die, just like what should have happened to this movie! Somehow it made money and a sequel quickly went into the works.
[edit] Batman and Robin: The Gayest Shit stain in American Cinema
“It was a masterpiece!”
“I wanted to make Batman sexy!”
“I wanted to walk out of my screening of this pile of ass!”
Schumacher returned to direct the next Batman film. This became the most important film in his career, but oh boy did IT FUCKING SUCK! You can't make shit worse then this, unless you're Tom Green or Pauly Shore. This is the gayest film I have ever seen! Not only do Batman and Robin fuck on screen but the very man like Alicia Silverstone strips, and turns out to have both tits and a cock.... EEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!! NOOO!!!! NOOO!!!! NOOO!!!! EEEWWWWW!!!! If that wasn't bad enough, Uma Thurman shows up as Poison Ivy and she goes from being smoking hot in Pulp Fiction to uglier than shit here! Arnold Schwarzenegger shows up too in his somewhat career killing performance as Mr. Freeze. Thankfully he is the only one who doesn't strip on screen! He say Arnold lines that are okay, his weaker ones, but that can't save this pile of ass! The film's plot is that while Batman, played by George Clooney, is sucking on Robin's cock, played by the guy from Batman Forever, Mr. Freeze freezes Robin's cock and Poison Ivy turn's Batman's into a man eating plant. Batgirl, played by Alicia Silverstone, must come and save the day with it's privates...EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The ending result is Batman and Robin get cured and force Freeze to suck their dicks and Ivy has to have her face in Cousin It's ass... EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The film FUCKING SUCKS! It received terrible reviews from everyone! There is not a single straight person on the planet who likes this film! NOBODY SHOULD HAVE EMPLOYED SCHUMACHER TO DIRECT ANYTHING! HE'S A PILE OF COW ASS FOR MAKING SUCH SHIT! Batman was dead until Christopher Nolan resurrected the character in Batman Begins
[edit] Nostalgia Critic Incident
“A BAT CREDIT CARD! I'LL KILL YOU!”
So the holy Nostalgia Critic was forced to watch Batman and Robin. He came prepared to kill himself, but it was far more painful than he expected. When Batman took out his infamous Bat Credit Card. The Critic got Bruce Campbell, Christian Bale, Angry Videogame Nerd, and Michael Biehn and went on a killing spree. Killing George Clooney, Barbra Streisand, Stephenie Meyer, Tom Cruise and the entire Church of Scientology in the process. When the Critic returned to viewing such shit, he killed himself, but was later resurrected by Santa Christ! He then sued Joel Schumacher for extreme depression and won $1.8 Billion Dollars in the process, making him the second richest man in Hollywood, after James Cameron. Schumacher was forced to go back to being a male hooker for a while, working mainly as John Travolta's bitch.
[edit] Today
After 23 tanked, Joel Schumacher pretty much died. You could find his body in comic book land where nerds are peeing on it as some sort of revenge plot for making the worst comic book movie ever.
 | It's not just you
It seems this article is rather; errm... "Festive". If this offends you: Tough luck, we like it. Some articles are simply as camp as the fairy on top of the Christmas tree. |
