Joe Satriani
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“Listen to my shit, homedogs. I'm muthafucking bald!!”
~ Satcha on inspiration
Joe Satriani (aka The Satchanatorprokador) is a hypersexual extra-terrestrial musician and movie star, a and master part time pan-flutist. He is an alternate form of Vin Diesel. Sometimes goes by the psuedo-psuedonym 'Erik Mongrain'.
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[edit] Early Life
Satriani (born G'eogh Shatryanai) was born in the year 3298 on the planet Vulcan. From an early age he displayed a knack for playing the guitar. He joined his first band when he was 13. Soon after, it was discovered that he could shred the guitar so fast that his fingers broke the speed of light, causing him to go back in time every time he played. The Vulcans quickly capitalized on this ability, and in A.D. 1980 they created the "Satriani Hyperdrive," which was simply a large box where they let Joe play his guitar. They put this box in their ship and the energy released from his fingers was enough to propel their vessel to hyperspeed. His arch nemesis is Oldplay, a shredding triangle soloist who has been known to kidnap Satriani music noises.
[edit] Early Career
When Joe finally reached Earth in A.D. 1982, he discovered that there was a large market for ridiculous hair/shred metal in the United States, and quickly set about creating his own album. Unfortunately his guitar was destroyed on the way to Earth. He didn't have enough money to buy a new one, and he was forced to wander the streets. He tried several times to call home, but was thwarted on every occasion by the fact that his cellphone did not get service on Earth.
The depressed Joe Satriani was contemplating suicide when he ran into famed director George Lucas. Lucas immediately hired Satriani to play the lead role in his upcoming movie, Blade Runner. This accelerated Satriani's career exponentially, and he went on to star in many famous movies, including E.T., Star Trek, and many others.
[edit] Musical Career
After his success as an actor, Satriani finally saved up enough money to buy his dream guitar: a Gibson Ibanez Double-Necked Acoustic Eric Clapton Series Stratocaster. This was the guitar he used on most of his albums until it was stolen by Jimmy Page.
Satriani released dozens of successful albums in the US and UK. They were generally marketed as instrumental albums, even though each track does in fact contain vocals. Satriani, being an accomplished vocalist, sings in his native language (which is inaudible to every Earth species except bats and dolphins) on each song. His songs are usually about his homeworld, robots, and hot alien women.
[edit] Style
Joe's resulting style is pretty hard to describe, although "Muzak", "Elevator Tune" and "Sitcom Intro Tune" do a pretty accurate job at labelling his overall genre. The cheesy non lyrical mega solos that he calls song generally tend to spawn visions of the greater 80's and 90's sitcom shows like "Who's the boss", "Family ties", "Full house" and "Unfunny fat people". Normal people under the influence of proper taste do usually spasm and keel over listing to Joe's tripe whilst experiencing the horror that is prime time sitcom entertainment from the previous millennium. Poor souls who suffer from the delusion that Satriani's Guitar porn noises are pleasant to the ear often make the grave mistake to visit a live concert of his. Here are Joe's personal self indulgent ego tripper extravaganza where he touches and strokes his guitar like a giant member extension, hugely overcompensating for lacking a certain something in other departments. The only official guitar skill that Joe seems to master is the ancient art of pretending his guitar is his dick and making trusting movements with it whilst looking at it lovingly through the ever present sunglasses.
For some daft reason Joe insist on naming his songs with crazy titles although no serious meaning or story can be found in them due to a lack of lyrics. We are no suggesting that he should start singing to, god no, but why not name the songs Song 1, Song 3 or Song 4 ( Song 2 is already taken by blur, how should be sued by Joe for that ). Some names like "Love Diesel bike", "I'm a happy birdy wurdy" or "Crash, metal, Urrgg A butterfly make no sense when all you do is a big fat theatrical solo 10 minutes long with underlying "music" that seems to have been generated by a Casio keyboard.
It has been known for years that elevator music causes baldness. We present article A : Satriani bald nugget, as a case in point proof that it is indeed very plausible. Uninspired rock themes with guitar masturbation also induces boredom, suicidal tendencies and serious damage to the part of the brain that is responsible for proper taste. Senceless guitar wankery does, however, no cause homosexuality, although it does seem to attract fairies and poofs.
[edit] Discography
- I Might Be This Earth (Or Not)
- Sleeping With The Alien
- Led Zeppelin IV
- Dreaming#3.14159.......
- While My Guitar Gently Rips You a New Asshole
- Flying In A Cessna
- The Excrement
- The Beautiful Borg
- Time To Buy A Machine
- Locutus of Borg
- Crystal Balls
- Engines of the Station
- Additional Additions
- Dead In San Francisco
- Normal Boring Shit
- The Acoustic Joe Satriani: Shut up emos are gay!
- Is There Lovin' Space?
- Super Dooper Woopedy Woo
- Super Colossal Head
- Professor Satchafunkilus and the Musterion of Rock
- Viva la Morte
- Space Aliens Can Rock Too
- Nearly Live:Endless Soloing In The Key Of Fadd#7
- Viva La Vida
His proteges include:
Steve Vai
Stevie Ray Vaughan
Stevie Ray Vai
Clive, the Fastest Bean In The West
Curly Helmet (see Metal Licka)
Oscar Wilde
Chris Frangou
Don Brash
Your mom and The Horse She Road In On
G Major
