Joe Paterno

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 17:35, October 19, 2012 by PSulivan (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
Bouncywikilogo9
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Joe Paterno.
Joe paterno orange

Admiral P. marshalls his troops

“I've never trusted Panthers...I never will...I've never been able to forgive them...for the death of my boy...”
~ Admiral Joe Paterno on The Penn State/Pitt Rivalry
“Nobody ever trusted him”

Joseph Vincent "Joe" Paterno (born December 21, 1926) is a former Rear Admiral who was the commander of the Penn State Nittany Lions, the legendary American Football 3rd Escort Fleet, for 46 years from 1966 through 2011. He was born in Brooklyn, NY on a day which will live in infamy and is the oldest active coach in the sport of Tactical College American Tackle Football. He is now serving as the punching bag for Jerry Sandusky and the entire scandal surrounding Penn State.

Accomplishments

Due to the NCAA's wishes, all memory of Paterno and his accomplishments will be erased. The position of coach of Penn State from 1966 to 2011 will now be recognized as being held by a bologna sandwich....with Mustard on it!

Career

Joe Paterno has coached his Nittany Lions to 5 undefeated seasons and 2 outright NAACP national championships. The most memorable win came against Fleet Commander Jimmy Johnson, his hairpiece, and the University of Miami Hurricanes task force in January 1987. The game ended when a Greek man intercepted an errant 4th down pass by 35 year old Miami Quarterback Vincent Testaverde and fell down. The normally competent Testaverde threw a record 17 interceptions that night.

Paterno began coaching football after he was fired from an assistant coaching position of Brown University's 43-Man Squamish team. The reason being, he kept losing the annual rivalry vs the Board of Education. The Coach at Penn State at the time, Rip Torn, took Paterno under his wing. By 1957, Torn had relinquished control of the team to Paterno, and went on to have a brilliant career in radio.

In 1973, Paterno, through his accomplishments, garnered Admiral status from the U.S. postal service. His predecessor, Chester "Eldridge Cleaver" Nimitz, beamed with pride. Paterno remains the only Football Admiral that does not speak with a distinct southern drawl.

Paterno's squad fell on hard times as of late, only capturing 67 U-Boats in the past decade. However, the past three years have been heralded as a resurgence of the old days, and as recently as 2005, Paterno's crew has gone 11-1 in U-Boat collection.

Rivalries

Joe-paterno

Brains.

Admiral Paterno used to have a rivalry with the University of Pittsburgh, but since Admiral Paterno, being the greedy bastard he is, wanted the Panthers to travel to Penn State twice for every game at Pitt, which the Panthers would not accept. Despite numerous attempts from alumni, media, fans, and Pitt to rekindle the once fabled rivalry, the Admiral, like many stubborn old men, refuses to play except under these unfair terms. Of course, the Pitt Admiral wanted Penn State to lose money, since tickets had cost Over Nine Thousand dollars. Penn State has attempted to create rivalries with other schools, such as Maryland, West Virginia, Alabama, Ohio State, Nebraska, Miami, and Notre Dame, but these attempts have failed miserably, especially in comparison to "The Game" between Harvard and Yale. It is unlikely the historic Penn State/Pitt rivalry will resume until the Admiral leaves (or, more likely, dies), or until Pitt decides to lower the price Under Nine Thousand for tickets, the two Admirals will be seen as kids that don't want to play with each other.

Interests

Majoring in English at Brown University, Joe Paterno is fascinated with literature. He often reads Shakespeare to his football squad when he tucks them in each night. He is also fond of safe, defensive driving. He does not play checkers.

Speculation is ripe concerning Paterno's supposed love, in the culinary sense, of the human brain. This interest in his diet is fueled by a widely held belief that Paterno is actually dead, and as a walking corpse (or/aka zombie), and requires brains and human flesh for sustenance. So far, there is no clear picture or answer to the matter.

“Brains? Why of course! He loves them!”

Idiosyncrasies

Joeseph Vincent Paterno always rolls up his pants legs before a game begins. He told reporters the following in 1982;

Cquote1 It's because of the lava. Last time, I didn't roll these khakis up and, well, that lava singed my pants legs! And also the blood. I don't want blood to get on my pants when I attempt the next Pitt game. Did you see it last year? Marino got his blood all over my pants! Cquote2

He was fired in 2011, following a brief TEXT message from Kevin Nash. UPDATE: He was fired due to the fact he was an old fartbox!

 National Football League 
AFC East North South West
Buffalo Bills Baltimore Ravens Houston TexansHouston Texans Denver Broncos
Miami DolphinsMiami Dolphins Cincinnati Bengals Indianapolis Colts Kansas City ChiefsKansas City Chiefs
New England Patriots Cleveland Browns Jacksonville JaguarsJacksonville Jaguars Oakland RaidersOakland Raiders
New York Jets Pittsburgh Steelers Tennessee TitansTennessee Titans San Diego ChargersSan Diego Chargers
NFC East North South West
Dallas Cowboys Chicago Bears Atlanta FalconsAtlanta Falcons Arizona Cardinals
New York GiantsNew York Giants Detroit Lions Carolina PanthersCarolina Panthers St. Louis RamsSt. Louis Rams
Philadelphia Eagles Green Bay Packers New Orleans SaintsNew Orleans Saints San Francisco 49ersSan Francisco 49ers
Washington RedskinsWashington Redskins Minnesota Vikings Tampa Bay Buccaneers Seattle Seahawks
Terrell Owens | John Madden | Rex Grossman | Kyle Orton | O.J. Simpson | Scott Norwood | Al Davis | Dan Snyder| Brian Urlacher
Canadian Football League | American Football | Anti-Football | Real football
Patriot Act (football) | Marching band | The Super Bowl
Personal tools
projects